please revise from the comments left on paper

Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Nelson! I am Nica R., and I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength: 

Firstly, good job on explaining what the functions and capabilities of modern military drones are! The details that you provide regarding how modern military drones operate let your readers know why this type of drones are most especially used for military purposes and why the government and military choose to use them nowadays. Nice work, Nelson! Content Development 

Moving forward, I noticed that some of your body paragraphs could benefit from more supporting details. Let's take your discussion of modern civilian drones as an example. In that particular paragraph, you only mention how civilians use drones for commercial purposes. However, you are not able to link the modern civilian drones to its two predecessors. As a result, your readers might wonder what the difference between modern civilian drones and its predecessors are. They might also wonder about the improvements that drones have undergone through the years.

To help you expound on your discussion of modern civilian drones, here are several questions that you can try answering: What are the differences between modern civilian drones and modern military drones? Are the capabilities of the two drones different? If so, how?

Use of Resources 

In some instances, you are not able to explain how an outside source is significant to your topic. An example is your first paragraph under the section “Modern military drones.” In that particular paragraph, you mention how terrorism made the US rethink its military strategy and that Ford (2015) shows how super intelligent drones will transform warfare. However, you do not explain how Ford came to that conclusion. As a result, your readers might think that your paraphrased statement from Ford is irrelevant to your discussion.

Now, to make sure that you effectively use your source in supporting your main topic about the historical timeline of drones, you can answer the following questions: As discussed by Ford, in what ways will super intelligent drones transform warfare? Does this mean that the US has the upper hand because of its modern military drones? In what instances does the US use its super intelligent modern military drones?

*Nelson 9370378 has requested that you respond to the Transitions:    Lastly, your sentences could benefit from the use of transitional devices. Let's take a look at an example:

The use of drones in the ancient time was associated with the military. Rapid technological growth has revolutionized drone warfare.

In the example above, your second sentence contradicts the first sentence. However, you do not use a transitional device between them. As a result, your readers might fail to see the contradicting relationship between the two sentences. Also, a lack of transitions makes the tone of your essay robotic and unnatural, making it hard for your readers to follow the flow of your essay's ideas.

To ensure that your sentences are properly connected or introduced, you can use transitional devices such as the following:

a. For sentences that support a similar idea: additionally, furthermore, moreover, also, in addition b. For sentences that support contradicting ideas: however, on the other hand c. For sentences that give examples: for example, for instance, as an example d. For sentences that signify a causal relationship: as a result, consequently, because of this e. For concluding sentences: thus, hence, in conclusion, therefore

Furthermore, here's how a transitional devices looks like in practice:

Acts of terrorism are becoming more and more prevalent today. As a result, more and more states are improving their military strategies.

As you can see from the example above, the thoughts being expressed by the two sentences can easily be followed by the readers through the help of transitions.

Now, you can use a transitional device for the example from your essay that I provided above. Then, you can also look for other sentences in your essay that could benefit from transitional devices. Additionally, you can learn more about transitions by visiting the 5th lesson of the 3rd Chapter of the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook here: Smooth Transitions

*Nelson 9370378 has requested that you respond to the Sentence Structure:    I decided to defer this area from the TRF since I found a more pressing higher-order concern that I already discussed above. However, I have embedded a comment that addresses a sentence structure issue. Additionally, if you want to learn more about sentence structure particularly sentence types, you can visit the 4th lesson of the 4th Section of the 5th Chapter of the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook here: Sentence Types

Summary of Next Steps: 

· Make sure that your body paragraphs have sufficient supporting details.

· Use your sources effectively by explaining how the statement/s support/s your topic.

· Use transitional devices to show the relationship between your sentences.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Nelson! I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day! ~Nica R.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook.

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Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below. Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Drone Technology: Historic Timeline and Predecessor Assessment Draft

Name: Nelson Ramos

Institutional affiliation: DeVry

Instructor: LAS432

Date: 1/17/17

Introduction

The history of unmanned aerial vehicles (UAV) is as long as the history of aircrafts. The idea of drones started with the idea of balloons. More improvements were gradually made with better the systems. Later most counties ventured in the development of modern drones with artificial intelligence capabilities. [There is a missing comma in this sentence since you have the introductory element “later,” but you do not separate it from your main clause. Remember that introductory elements need to be separated from the main clause using a comma.] The use of drones in the ancient time was associated with the military. Rapid technological growth has revolutionized drone warfare. Civilians are also able to afford drones for both commercial and private use.

Traditional military drones (1800-1945)

Ancient military leaders always dreamed about a time when the will be able to reach their enemies from a distance. They made many attempts to fly manned aerial vehicles over enemy territories. Unfortunately they were easily shot down by the enemy antiaircraft fire. Military leaders made more attempts to reach their enemies through air. For instance the Austrian army used balloons to attack Venice in 1849. The Japanese used similar balloons to carry out the Fu-go bombings in 1945.

The United States military was not left behind in the manufacture of these primitive drones. The US confederate forces flew reconnaissance drones during the American civil war. In 1896 Samuel Langley developed several unpiloted aircrafts nicknamed aerodromes which hovered over Washington D.C. [I am worried about your failure to cite your source here. Remember that failure to cite your sources results in plagiarism. Keep in mind that in citing using APA style, you must be able to mention the last name of the author together with the date of publication (if it is available).]

The 19th and 20th century drones used simple radio technology. Tele-automation technology and cameras were essential to carry out operations. They were pioneered by Nicola Telsa. He used remote control systems to control the drones. These radio controlled planes proved to be useful in the first and Second World War. During this time drones were fitted with cameras to produce aerial photographs. The main aim of traditional drones was to reach the target and drop bombs. They were basically a kind of a flying bomb targeting enemy territories.

Modern military drones (1945-2017)

Development of next generation military drones was pioneered by the United States military. They were first developed during the cold war to provide surveillance. They were intended to provide intelligence on any denied area. The new challenge of terrorism has motivated the American air force to rethink its military strategy. The current United States military strategy is based on counterterrorism from the skies through surveillance and killing. Ford 2015 describes the use of drones to counter terrorism as the new paradigm for warfare. [In citing your source using APA style, the date of publication must always be enclosed in parentheses. Here's how it would look like: (a) Bates (2011) mentions... or (b) It is argued that... (Bates, 2011).] He clearly shows how this new super intelligent drones will transform warfare.

Modern military drones operate on high end laser technology; they have a very high connectivity. Their ability to connect to the server room is very fast. They can be able to take multiple instructions at once and execute them immediately.

Although modern military drones have an improved structural design they still rely on remote launching. They operate on a single mother board with multiple computing functions. This enables them to have an advanced processing power. They are much smaller in size but smarter in functions. They offer multiple solutions to military organizations such as intelligence gathering, aerial surveillance and accurate remote killing.

Modern drones have a high sensing capability. UAVs such as the MQ-1 predator and Reaper drones made by United States military supports several functions. These drones are not only made for war, they support accurate surveillance and can provide rescue missions to captured soldiers. They have precise targeting capabilities such that they can hit a specific target in a crowded market. The capabilities of drone warfare have been put into practice in the Vietnam and Pakistan war. The military has successfully utilized laser-guided target system to weaponize drones with air to ground missiles widely known as hellfire, (Aitken, 2014).

Modern civilian drones (1990-2017)

The 21st century has been marked by rapid technological advancement. As a result the cost of drones has gradually reduced. More civilians can purchase UAVs for both private and commercial uses. They are used in wildlife protection, farm management and recently in sporting. Giant online marketers such as Amazon have developed drones to facilitate delivery of goods. These precise drones will be used to deliver purchased goods to clients within a short time. Drones have also become essential in the supply of medical drugs and surgical equipment to remote hospitals. [You can expound on this paragraph by answering the following questions: What are the differences between modern civilian drones and modern military drones? Are the capabilities of the two drones different? If so, how?]

Conclusion

The future of drones for both military and civilian use seems to be bright. Drones manufacturing giants are working day and night to provide drones with more functions. Technology has proved to offer better drones with multiple uses in the future. Quad copters have become increasingly famous. The presence of quad copters and drone-police patrolling cities or carrying passengers without onboard supervision would be a big step for humanity. [You can improve your conclusion by answering the following questions: What are the possible implications of the continuous development of our technology? What are the implications of drones for civilian use? For military use?]

References

Nocks, L. (2007). The robot: The life story of a technology. Westport, Conn. [u.a.: Greenwood Press.

Ford, M. (2015). Rise of the drones: Technology and the threat of a jobless future.

In Cases on communication technology.London. kate printing press