write a discussion (Tu)

Listening With Empathy

Taking the Other Person's Perspective*

Most of the research ard writing on communication corers sh.rr peopl( coau rrrcdlpr bul commuoic.lion is lwo-qay, so whar we communicate-rhe dfunDation we re'ri-only makes up pan of the pictur€. How we receiv€ that infonnation and what we do with it makes up the resl. Two skills can drarnatically help us to improv€ how we rcceive communication-empahy ' " 1 . . r < n F . r i v F i i L l n r

trnlpathy Empathy is the ability to experien€e tle same feelings as someone else. It neans identifying with that person, paying attention to that person's feelings and attending to holl our own feelings resonale wiih theirs. This is thc meaning of empathy in the mor€ technical sens€ that 3ocial sciendsrs use. Its meanmg ls looscr in ev€ryday usc.

For example, many people confuse empathy with sympathy, or feeling sorry for another Person's misfortune. Unlike sympathy, empathy can refer to fortunat€ happenings as w€ll as misfortunes. Wben I shar€ the excitement of my friend's tanrastic new job, I am experiencing empathy.

Som€tim€s, €mpathic Lisi€ning canbe very enjoyable. I remembef empathetically ListeDiog to a friend desc.ib€ a very edodonal situation. It was an €motional roll€r coaster ride to shar€ his feelings as he talk€d about his tustrations, th€o his joys and his reliel as he gained i$igh! into the sinration. I ended our corversation feeling closer to him. Emparhy builds better Elationships with others, wheth€r the relaiionship is a ronance or a Eiedship, is in a family, or at work or is in the comnunity. Sharing others' €motions anl dp.eJjtrg t,.i enpdrrry glves a p€rson a

itni" "h-opt"t n* t*"nted from the insights ofcheryl Amo4 Marie-Irance Boiss€lle, Irene Jackson-Brown, Anita

Hemphill Mccormick, Susatr Nero ad Scott Schroeder

2.1I Listening llith Empathy:

Donald Il. McCormick

sens€ of being deeply mderstood. Unfortunately, most people rnrcty experierce beiq listened to in this

It clrrnot only be pleasurable to list€n \"dih empathy, it is deeply satisfying when som€one listens to us in this way. lt feels great to realize that someone urdersiands and shares our feelings. Empathy usually rcdrces al'endlion ind rsolanon, resul$ng m a person fecling "valued, cared for, accepted as the person that he or she is."' Most ofus want others to fully understand our feelings-€specially people who mean a lot to us. This doesn'tm€an that they have to agree with us;it means that they lnust at least put aside their own concecns long enough io give us a heartfelt hearing.

Can people get betler at €mpathy? Connary to popular notions, empathic ability is not som€ihing one slmPly hrs or doesn t hav€. Many peopl€ believe lhey can't become more empathic, bui with €ffort it can be leamed. Three ilings h particular can help us become more open to another's emotions,

Robcrt Caikhuffd€scribes one ofthese ways to becom€ more open to another's enotions.: It consish of"' mentalty asking, "How would I feel right now if I were (the other person)?" Suppose that I anl in a T GrouP and anoaher membcr-Esther-repeatedly critic jzes me in a ftustsatingly vague way. I ask myself Carkhufs "€mpathy questior" and I imagine what she must be fecling as she tries to criticize someone ir th€ unlamiliar setting of a T Group I aciually ttel her

This changes my attitud€ towards her ftom initatiotr and frusiration to one of €mpathy And, o'rr intcractions are likety to imFove quicklv The

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Reading Book for Human Relations Training

feelings empaL\y calls up in m€ are likeiy to ma-ke me want to help her articulate her complainl aod when she finaliy expresses it, I may €ven fmd that I a$ee wrth

he.. If I doi't ask myself Carkh'rfs qu€stion, then I won't find out what she realy thinks or feels, ard so may miss an opportudty to leam from some useful

Suspending judgment ofsomeone else's feelings 'lso helps us lo become more empathic. We rced to set aside e!aluaring tr bether it is right or wmng or good or bad lo teel whatever rha other pe'son feels' ThG Ls esseotial, because we can still listen very carctullv to others, but if we do il to fmd weaknesses in ther arguments that \te can challenge, we won t develop empathy. For example, when I lislenjudgmentallv to Pablo, dooth€r person in my T GrouP, I am tistsnhg to him ir, r renrei but it resembles the waya prosecuting attom€y listens to a defendant. To get out of thal mode, when I becom€ aware that I am €valuating the basis of his feelings, I try to let these judgments go This makes it e$icr to allow his fcelings to resonate within mc, fiat is, for me lo empalhize.

Empathizing helps us bettcr understand othcr People Emp.thy hclps us exPerience more of thei emoiions -mor€ of theif meanings. We only express Pan of what we communicate through wo.ds Our facial expressions, voicc tone and gesnres communicat€ much of our meaning and most of our emolions' Paying closer an€ndon to thes€ thhgs in olh€r p€ople will improve our skill at empathv we do this bv paying anenrion to lhe olher Person s feel'ngs, prving attention to the emolions they arouse m us and punrng

offigudng oui what we will say nexl. Ifw€ focus on ariiculaling our own needs, thoughts, ald feelings' we will miss much of what someone els€ is trying to get

l e r s p e c t i v e T r k i n g P€rspeciiv€ taking is th€ ability to experienc€ dtings as

oth€r persons €xperience thern-to take their perspective. P€rspective taking differs from emPathv Enpaihy emphasizes ernolto, whereas pe6pecnvc tlking emphasizes ?rorglt. Suppos€ that I hee that

during a break in the T Group, scjmeone pmised a

friend of mine--Carolyn. I think about what rt must

have been like fo. h€r to be praised in rhar wav rnd

l l ' e n | t u c l p l e r s c d ( r s s h t p r o b a b l v d i d ) l m l g t n i n g what it was like for Carolvn was p€rsPective taking'

tteling pleased was empathv As this example

illustrat€s, takmg another person s perspective can often help us exp€rience empathy. If*e can see things fton odrerpersons' viewloints, then we can oftetr feel for them. Pe$pective taking requies mental stretching, just as enpathy requies emononal stetching. Both are important aspecls oflistenhg.

Howev€r, perspective taking goes against some common atttudes. Manypeople take pride in irilrng Lo see a'otbe' vre*?oinr. They cheacterize an opPosi,g point ofvi€w as not only wrong but so faulty as to b€ incomprehensible. Itis anitude shoqJ in exprcssions like, "I catr't u erstand how someone could ihink that" or "I have never heard such a thingl"

llasard Education Professor Robert Sehnan d€scrib€s differeot levels of perspective taking.r A very low level of persp€ctive taking limits a person to a self- centered inabiliry to take another person's vie$?oint. People acting at this level are so €gocentric thal they see things entirety in te.rff ofwhat th€y want, which doesn t exrcdy help them to interact with others

Se{-relective pe6pecti'/e taking, \he rcxt lev€l uP, happens whcn the thoughts, fc€lings and wants of anolher person wc are interacring widl are consider€d For example, ifjan€ is ir a grouP with Fred, who is talking on and on about trngents, she will handl€ the situation more effectively if she can cngage in self' relleclive perspectivc l-*ing and see how irlooks from Fred s point of vrew. It she docsn t sce rhing' from Fred's fram€work she might snap at him and caus€ a conflict tlEt shc really didn't want to slart. If, instead' she nodces Fred is th€ youngest person in the goup and seems lo be newously t'ying to imPr€ss othcrc by telling them his uncle is the govemo! of South DakofiL' she might iflstead irt€rj€ct reassurirg comments into his monologue, to try to calm him down and avord an

Thid party pespecliee takiug, th€ next level' includes rhe ability to step outride a two_p€rson relatioffhip and see ii from the perspecEve of a thnd party in dre group' For example. imgine rhr' lonr ran Jnd wendv are in a sroup, and he be€omes so initated with wendv thai he coniiders raising his voice at her. lt is one thing if he can see ihis from the self-reflective level and imagine wendy's reaction This self-reflective perspecrive uling helps. but fie fird p.rty perspecriv( ;lbws Jonarhan to imagine how a third palrv (lke rhe r e s i o f t h e { r o u p } $ o u l d s e e h L r e s p o l s e l o W e f d / A i t h i s l c v e l , h e m i g h t a s l h i m s e l l H o w w i l l I h e g r o J o

uderstand or react to my initation ro Wendv? or

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it

Listening With Empathy

"WiI the gloup rhinl I afl a ioud je* or wil they be reLieved that someone tinally expressed the frustratron they've all felt with her?" By addhg the peFpective of a thid party, Jonathan can €xpress his concems while r€maining aware ofwendy's. Aad he catr atso help keep his good relationship with dle group (and avoid becoming the proverbial

"loose cannon on deck"). Third party perspective taking helps us batance our own concems widr the concems of the person we are cornmunicating with and the concems of the larger group we are pan oi

Social systen pe pective /allng, the highest level in Selman's theory, involves expanding our point of view beyond the people we se€ (ot have s€€n) In a face-to- face group. It involves a larger, more abstract group-r socral s) !rem. Itis could be ao orgatuzation corununity, odtion or beli€f syst€m. For exampl€, suppose that in a T Group Mark makes a bigoted joke

about a particular ethnic grouP. Phyllis does not take rt personally ("Oh, Mark doesn't mead ill"). Mark isn't conc€med and the oth€r group members don't seem bothered. But Phyllis may f€el that as p.rt of sociery-as pan of Ue larget soci.rl systen- allowing such a codL.nent to go unchailcnged tacilly suPports bigoted behavior. So Phyllis gently lclls Mark that many people find this kind of joke demeaning and explains why. Phyllis Esponded that wav be€ause she

siw the situation from Ihe social system Perspective

Ch!nging Behavior So far.I have focused on /eveb ofpe$pectrve taKng abiliry, but how often w€ €rgage in it is equally rmpoflant. It E one rhing ro ,e d6l€ lo take anoth€r oerspective; x rs another ro ts.r/2e Lhat it can b€ useful io d; so. lt is stilt another to add.ait do it or do it otten. Fot exampl€, I beli€v€ that persPective takirg is qenerallv r qood idea, but I don't do rt nearly as often is t d hie. is rmponaor as $e question ofhow otten we engage in peispective taking, is tbe question of whether we change our behavior as a rcsult ofwhat we

We can improve persp€chve taLing bv regularlv asking ouselves what our actions and whal a situadotr looks like ftom th€ pomt of view of the other pe$on' Sroup or social sysiem. "How will my true love see it when I ask for more time tog€ther?"

"mat will the grouP think when I m*e this comnent?" Irnagrne how useful it would be to have a better unde$tanding of how oders see tl ngs. we conmunicate better whm

we uderstand other people's mental ftameworks.

Of cou$e, the ability to take another penon's point of view existed lory before Rob€rt SeLnan started calling ir pe'spechve laklng. I lile rc ihhk tlaL Lhis abilry trnd its capacity to solve human probietni iffpired Robert Burns to write these lines in his 1786 poem,

'"To a

Oh wad some Pow'r th€ giftie gi€ us To see owseis as others see usl I wad frae moDie a bluDder ftee us

An' foolish notion.

Bctter Listening Th€ combination of empathy and perspective takrng makes for better, deeper lislening. By working to thoroughly understand someone else in ihis way, we risk changing our mhd or fe€lings This kilrd of lErerung doesn'r necessarily mern agreemenl Try,ng on somebody else's feelings and viewpoints doesn't mean we have to keep th€m, although ],e may craare to adopt some of their Point ofview or €mohons.

Persp€ctive taking and emPathy ar€ great ways to understand others and lerm from ftem BuI, there is a tension between perspective taking and €mpathy and evaluation, as ways ofknowing. School teaches us to rhmk crilrcaily-to evaluale. But empathy and perceptive taking arc dbo \6y us€ful ways of k'lowing. Don't worry- engaging in .mpathy and perspective taking will not make us 30 oP€n'minded ihal ;ur brains fau out we dor't have to throw critical thinkiDs out of our life We just Postpone il for a whib. lmpathic listening and PeBpective takhgjus! ask that we fi$t se€ how the other person feels and sees _ '

things. EDgaging itt criiical thiDlcing or engagmg m .-pittry nna perspective t*ing is no( an erther/or aeiistoi. we cin ai bofi, as tons as ee.toa t Iry rc do

both at the sane titte.

Perspectiv€ ttking and eEpathv can be useful h a

conflict. One snrdy of communiry organizers fouDd

that they were more effective if they could somelimes empathte with the power figures they opposed Of

course, oryanize$ camot pradice empathy and social perspective ta|ing wiihout also working to gam power'

ImD'ovrnP our abilrrv aI empatbv and perspective bkine Ls;ofth lhe effon Our f]!rulv life can become riche;md more intimate when we ce share more tuIv

in the lives of ollr tov€d ones. We can become better

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Reading Book for Human Relations Training

palelts whetr we cau see the world thrcugh the eyes of witb people who are differcnr from us_difer€nr ir our cbild'"n. we cm become a better liimd when_wE gender, social cxs, sexu'l onentatron, racq culhre or pmctice empathy,aod peGpectjve tikia€ Our-work lile i.ri,i"". can improve when we can see tbisgs &on the pe$pecLives ofour customels, our employees orour employer. We catr become beder citiz€ns when wE cu rrom rour rErsp€crrvc imagir€ how it feals to be in a[ sorts of differcnt rolqe Taking your pe6Pective for a mom€nt, don't you wish that make up our society and the world. The skills of other peopl€ bener understood how thiDgs feel ftom e&pathy addp€GT€ctive takiry can help us get along your point of view?

Notes

1. C.R. Rogets. "Enpaihic: An UnapFeciated lryay ofBeing," in C. R. Rogers, A Way of Being.New york Nyl Houghtoo Mifili4 1980, p. 152.

l. R.R. Carkhulf. Tl€.4 a ofHe4ng, Tbt.cd. Arn\erst, MA: HRD Pres!, 1993.

3. Rogers, op. cit, pp. 137-163.

4. RL. Sclman. ?ra cmwth oflnteryertonal Undersrdnltzg. Npw Yoik, NY: Academic press, 1980.

5. J.H. Flaveu. Cog?rtrive Development,ztd eA,. Englewood Cliffs, NJr Prentice-Hall, 1985

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