Leadership Communication Corrected

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Transactional Analysis

Transactional analysis was introduced by Eric Berne in the early 1960s as a way of examining communication. Berne (1985) suggested that every human being has three ego states: a parent, an adult, and a child. In any given day, you will probably spend some time in each ego state, and each will affect how you behave and how you communicate.

PARENT, CHILD, AND ADULT MESSAGES

Your communication style will vary markedly depending on whether you are functioning from the parent, adult, or child position.

The Parent

Your internal parent is a huge collection of rules, moral dictums, and how-to-do-it instructions that your parents gave you. These rules and instructions are recorded on a tape inside you, probably during your first five years, and they continue to play throughout your entire life. The parent tapes include everything you ever heard your parents say, every pronouncement, every favorite adage: “Don’t be lazy.” “Don’t brag.” “Never let anyone make a fool of you.” “A marriage lasts forever.” “Always finish everything on your plate.” “Never trust wealthy people.” “All politicians are criminals.” “Avoid risks.” “Strangers are dangerous.” “Don’t walk under ladders.” These rules were important to you as a child because you had no way of predicting danger and no knowledge of the

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ways of the world. As a child you didn’t know what “hot” meant or what a burn did to the skin, so there were strong rules to govern your behavior with the stove.

Parental rules also provided how-to information. They gave you instructions on how to shake hands, how to eat at the table, how to fill a glass, how to make conversation, and how to navigate in your neigh- borhood. The rules helped you cope with your first social encounters and gave you confidence as you stepped tentatively into the world.

In many ways, the parent tapes are good and helpful. They provide a structure for your life. Some parent tapes have a supportive, caring quality. Like a good teacher, they remind you of the right way to do something, but without coercion or attack. If your parents were strict and rigid, however, then the parent inside you may be equally strict and unforgiving. Your internal parent may have a punitive, rejecting voice that leaves you feeling hemmed in and controlled by absolute rules.

You can usually tell when you are talking from your parent position because you use words like “always,” “never,” “stop,” and “don’t.” Your communications are full of commands and value judgments. The puni- tive parent, in particular, will use judgmental words like “disgusting,” “stupid,” “ridiculous,” and “idiotic.” The supportive parent may describe things as “perfect,” “wonderful,” or “excellent.” Functioning from your parent, you tend to discuss problems in terms of what “ought to” and “should” be done. Using these words is a tip-off that you’re in your parent state.

The Child

Just as your parents are still inside you, so also is the child that you once were. Your child consists of all your urges to know, to feel, to touch, and to experience a new world. Your child is hungry for discovery and sensation. But your child is also a product of all the disapproval, punish- ment, and negative feelings brought on by confrontations with parental mandates. A child concludes very early, “I’m not okay.” The child decides this because inexplicable frightening episodes of disapproval continually mar his or her existence.

Your child is the part of you where your emotions reside: your attrac- tions, your love, your delight, and also your fear, your anger, and your

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feelings of not being okay left over from the turmoil of growing up. Your child is full of healthy appetites and, at the same time, raw and wounded from the inevitable parental rejections.

When you are communicating from a child position, there is usually a great deal of energy: tears, pouting, temper tantrums, and whining. Your child is also the source of exuberance, giggling, and sexual excite- ment. Your child uses phrases like “I hate,” “I wish,” and “Why do I have to?” It can’t stand being told it isn’t okay and retreats into hurt and anger when it senses rejection.

The Adult

There is a part of you that has to juggle the intense feelings and needs of the child and the rules and mandates of the parent. This is your adult. Your adult is like a computer, a data processing center that sorts through and keeps you aware of what’s going on inside and outside of you. The adult has to make decisions. To do so, it examines the condi- tions of the outside world and makes predictions about likely outcomes. On the inside, the adult listens to the advice of the parent and hears out the needs and reactions of the child.

The focus of transactional analysis is to strengthen the adult. Sometimes the adult is overwhelmed, or contaminated, by the child or parent. You can tell when your adult has succumbed to your child because you tend to act on intense feelings and impulses without exam- ining them. Your feelings overwhelm you. You may express them by whining, complaining, or having crying jags or tantrums. Spending sprees and ill-advised sexual adventures are also indications that your impulsive child has gotten the upper hand. When your adult is contami- nated by your parent, the result is usually a large supply of unquestioned prejudices. You have strict, unexamined beliefs. You are straitjacketed in rules that you have no permission to evaluate. Often you communicate with an attacking, blaming style.

The healthy adult knows the needs of the child and is aware of the rules of the parent. But it can function independently. It communicates and makes decisions without blocking out or giving up control to either of them.

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Communications that come from your adult position are direct and straight. Your adult describes, it asks questions, it assesses probabilities; it evaluates the known and the unknown, the true and the false. It has opinions rather than judgments or beliefs. It is aware, but the awareness has no emotional charge.

ANALYZING YOUR COMMUNICATIONS

The skill of transactional analysis is learning to identify whether you are talking from your parent, adult, or child. If you are talking from a hurt, angry place while a customer is railing about the poor service, it prob- ably means that your child is involved. If you’re making stern threats and warnings, it probably means that your parent has gotten activated. In his book I’m OK, You’re OK, Thomas Harris (1976) suggests these rules for analyzing your communications:

Learn to recognize your child, its vulnerabilities, its fears,  and its primary ways of expressing these feelings.

Learn to recognize your parent, its rules, its injunctions,  its fixed ideas, and its primary ways of expressing these commands.

Harris’s rules mean that you have to develop an ear for the language characteristically used by your parent and child. Once you are sensitive to the child and the parent in yourself, you can more easily recognize these ego states in other people. They will use language similar to yours when expressing their punitive parent. Their child will be angry, fright- ened, and impulsive, just as yours is.

The following exercises are designed to help you get practice in iden- tifying parent, adult, and child statements. For the purpose of these exer- cises, the focus will be on the punitive rather than the supportive parent. The punitive parent creates most of your interpersonal conflicts; it is therefore enormously important to learn to recognize punitive parent statements. The child who appears in these exercises is the not-okay (adaptive) rather than the healthy (natural) child.

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ExERCISE . Identify the following statements as those of parent, child, or adult:

“I won’t go, forget it. That’s it, that’s final, no way.” 1.

“You’re just lazy. There’s no other word for it.” 2.

“Get a move on, we’re late.”3.

“You’ve been here three hours and haven’t accomplished a thing.”4.

“I’ll need some help with the packing when you’re free.” 5.

“Why do I always have to go to the store?”6.

“Don’t mope around. Straighten up and get on with life.”7.

“Please, let’s eat out tonight.”8.

“You call that makeup? You look like a dead carp.”9.

“One of us can get more dip for the party.”10.

Answer key: 1. child 2. parent 3. parent 4. parent 5. adult 6. child 7. parent 8. child 9. parent 10. adult

ExERCISE . Write the following statements from the parent, adult, and child positions.

John wants to tell Susan that he’d like her to call if she’s going to be 1. late. How would he express his need from the three ego states?

Parent:

Adult:

Child:

Sylvia wants to tell Ramone that she’s lonely when he goes to politi-2. cal meetings at night. How can Sylvia express her feeling from each of the three ego states?

Parent:

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Adult:

Child:

David wants to ask his boss for a raise.3.

Parent:

Adult:

Child:

How would Sam tell the butcher that the meat was tough?4.

Parent:

Adult:

Child:

Ron wants to tell Enid that it frightens him when she expresses her 5. anger through coldness.

Parent:

Adult:

Child:

Possible answers: Compare your parent, adult, and child statements with these examples.

Parent: “If you can’t be punctual, at least have the courtesy to call.” 1. Adult: “When you’re going to be late, Susan, I’d appreciate it if you’d call.” Child: “Why do I have to wait for you all the time? At least you could call.”

Parent: “It’s thoughtless and uncaring to go to all those late meetings 2. while I’m left alone.” Adult: “I’m lonely in the evenings when you’re out at meetings.” Child: “Can’t you see how lonely I am at night?”

Parent: “You’re paying a ridiculously low wage. I want a raise.” Adult: 3. “I’m asking for a raise. The figure I had in mind was…” Child: “I wish I could get a bit more money. Do you think I could?”

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Parent: “It’s outrageous to sell meat like that. It’s a rip-off.” Adult: 4. “The last meat I bought here was pretty tough.” Child: “I hate it when I get tough meat. My meal was ruined.”

Parent: “Your coldness is a stupid, ugly way to act.” Adult: “Enid, 5. you seem to get cold when you’re angry. The coldness frightens me.” Child: “Why do you have to get cold like that? Why do you do it to me?”

ExERCISE . Change the following child statements to adult statements.

“I wish you’d leave me alone.”1.

“Do you think we could be home by ten?”2.

“I hate cooking!”3.

“Why do I have to do everything?”4.

“Why do you get to read the front page first?”5.

Possible answers: Compare your statements with these examples: 1. “I’d like to be alone now.” 2. “I need to be home by ten.” 3. “I prefer not to cook.” 4. “I’m overworked and tired.” 5. “I’d like to read the front page first today.”

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ExERCISE . Change the following parent statements to adult statements.

“That’s a sloppy way to make a bed.”1.

“What’s the matter with you, buying that ridiculous tea set?”2.

“Get back to work!”3.

“You’re sure tight with money.”4.

“Don’t sit on the coffee table!”5.

Possible answers: Compare your statements with these examples: 1. “I’d prefer it if the bed was tucked in neatly.” 2. “What prompted you to buy that tea set?” 3. “It’s time to return to work.” 4. “I’d prefer it if we had a different policy about money.” 5. “The coffee table won’t support your weight.”

You’ll notice from the exercises that the punitive parent commands, accuses, and attacks. This ego state is easily recognizable by its critical, evaluative language. The not-okay child complains, pouts, and func- tions as a victim. The adult makes clear statements without blaming and without whining complaints.

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KINDS OF TR ANSACTIONS

There are three common ways our ego states interact with the ego states of others during conversations. Note that by paying attention to your own ego state and the ego state of your conversation partner, you can actually deescalate existing conflict or avoid provoking new conflict.

Complementary Transactions

One type of complementary transaction can be defined as messages that are sent or received by the same ego state for each of the partici- pants. Person A’s messages are sent by the same ego state that person B is addressing. And B’s messages are sent by the same ego state that A is addressing. Figure 1 shows the same ego states communicating with each other.

Parent

Child

Adult

Parent

Child

Adult

Adult communicates with adult, parent with parent, and child with child.

In another type of complementary transactions, each person is in a different ego state, but each addresses messages to the other’s current state (figure 2).

Parent

Child

Adult

Parent

Child

Adult

Figure 1

Figure 2

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A typical example is the child addressing the parent and the parent therefore responding to the child.

A: Let’s buy the couch anyway.

B: Now you know we can’t afford it; we can barely make the rent.

Complementary transactions can usually go on indefinitely because they don’t create conflict. For example, when people address each other’s parent, they are usually in agreement.

A: Workmen all do shoddy work nowadays.

B: It’s disgusting; they certainly do.

When people are addressing each other’s child, there is also agreement.

A: I hate it when we have to go right home from work on Friday nights.

B: It’s awful; we miss out on all the fun.

Crossed Transactions

Crossed transactions occur when you address an ego state that the other person isn’t in. Some crossed transactions cause conflict, and others solve conflict. Figure 3 shows how crossed transactions can precipitate conflict.

Parent

Child

Adult

Parent

Child

Adult

In figure 3, parent A punitively addresses child B, while parent B attacks child A. Here’s how it might sound:

Figure 3

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Transactional Analysis 99

A: Why don’t you stop bringing food into the bedroom?

B: Why don’t you cook a dinner worth eating once in a while, so I don’t have to snack all night?

Both A and B are using their punitive parent voices to attack the vulnerable child in the other. The result is that the child in each of them is wounded while they escalate the hostilities.

Figure 4 shows child A complaining to parent B, while child B complains to parent A.

Parent

Child

Adult

Parent

Child

Adult

Here’s how it could sound.

A: I hate French movies. Why do we have to go to French movies all the time?

B: If you don’t like them, then I see no point in going to the movies with you anymore.

Figure 5 shows cross transactions that can short-circuit conflict.

Parent

Child

Adult

Parent

Child

Adult

In figure 5, parent A is punitively addressing child B. However, adult B responds to adult A to cut off the conflict. Here’s how it might sound:

Figure 4

Figure 5

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A: Why don’t you stop wasting time with those endless TV sitcoms and read a good book?

B: I prefer to look at the TV tonight.

Figure 6 shows child A whining to parent B. B, however, refuses to engage in conflict, and uses an adult-adult communication.

Parent

Child

Adult

Parent

Child

Adult

Here’s how it might sound:

A: Why do I have to take out the garbage all the time? Why don’t you do it? I hate taking out the garbage.

B: Each of us has a job. I’d like you to take out the garbage as soon as possible.

ExERCISE . When someone addresses your child with a punitive parent or addresses your parent with a complaining child, the only way to stop the conflict is to function in the adult position. Here is an exercise to help you get some practice.

Punitive parent to your child: “You’re always in a lousy mood after 1. work.” Your adult-adult response:

Child to your parent: “Why can’t we ever go dancing like other 2. couples?” Your adult-adult response:

Figure 6

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Punitive parent to your child: “Your desk is a complete mess. No 3. wonder you can’t find anything.” Your adult-adult response:

Child to your parent: “I hate it when you don’t pay attention to me.” 4. Your adult-adult response:

Punitive parent to your child: “You’re talking a lot of nonsense.” 5. Your adult-adult response:

Possible answers: Compare your statements with these examples: 1. “I do feel tired after work. I didn’t know I was upsetting you.” 2. “I’m not much of a dancer, but there are other things we might go out to do.” 3. “I’m comfortable with my desk the way it is.” 4. “I wasn’t aware that you needed my attention right now.” 5. “They may be nonsense to you, but they are my opinions.”

Ulterior Transactions

A third class of transactions is the basis of what Eric Berne called games. In ulterior transactions there are more than two ego states involved at the same time. For example, when communication is osten- sibly adult-adult, there might be ulterior and sometimes nonverbal mes- sages between an adult and child (see figure 7).

Parent

Child

Adult

Parent

Child

Adult Figure 7

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Salesperson A says, “This is better, but you can’t afford it.” Car-buyer B says, “That’s the one I’ll take, then.” The transaction operates at the adult level, but the salesperson has provided a hook for the buyer’s child. He is covertly addressing the child with the challenge, “You can’t afford it.” The child responds, “Oh yes I can.”

You can keep track of ulterior transactions by asking yourself, “What am I trying to get this person to do? What covert feeling am I trying to express?” The game Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch is an example of how a hidden need to express hostility becomes an opportunity for an ulterior transaction. During an argument over an agreement that adult B has not honored, adult A says, “You’ve done wrong.” Adult B says, “I guess you’re right.” But an ulterior communication is also going on between parent and child. The parent of person A says, “I’ve been hoping you’d make a slip.” Child B says, “I guess I’m gonna get it now.” Parent A responds, “Yes, and I’m really going to blast you.” The ulterior transac- tion progresses while the adult communication is apparently focused on solving the disagreement.

KEEPING YOUR COMMUNICATIONS CLEAN

The following are basic transactional analysis rules for effective communication:

Know the ego state from which you are communicating. 

Know the ego state to which you are sending your  message.

Be sensitive to the child in others, protect that child, and  recognize the not-okay burden that it must carry.

Protect your own child. Keep it safely tucked away when  others are angry and attacking.

Don’t use your punitive parent to communicate. No one  wants to hear it, and people are likely to react by trying to hook your child with not-okay attacks. When appropriate, use your supportive parent, or rely on your adult.

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Solve problems and conflicts with your adult only. Listen  to your parent and listen to your child, but communicate through your adult when resolving issues.

Give your adult time to process data. Count to ten if nec-  essary in order to analyze the communication. Your own parent or child may be clamoring inside you to get on stage and make a statement. It’s important to sort out what really needs to be said from the impulsive statements your parent and child may demand that you make.

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