*BANG* *BANG* “Hey Annina, are you alone? Can you talk?” Jackie hopelessly whispered through the phone.
Savannah took my phone from my hands, placed it up to her ear, and never said a word. She just listened as Jackie spoke on the other end; her face getting more and more solemn with each passing minute. That was one thing I could always count on with Savannah. She wore her emotions on her sleeve. She slowly placed her hand on her chest, her breathing became heavier and heavier. “Oh my God.” Savannah’s face immediately fell and tears welled up in her eyes. “Oh my God.” Was that all she could say? What is going on?... That’s when I knew. My heart sank to my feet and cracked into a million pieces. I could feel it in every bone of my body, every part of my soul began to ache with despair… JOSH.
I woke up earlier that day on a normal Sunday morning, the bright light shining through my window, reflecting off the warm pillow white sheets surrounding me. Ugh I miss him. Waking up next to him. Having him make me breakfast in the morning. He only deployed a week ago, but it already felt like an eternity had passed. I hope this 8-month deployment goes faster than I think. Finally getting my head out of its half sleep funk, I noticed my stomach aching. Not a normal stomachache with nausea and physical pain, but an instinctual, matter of fact, fearful gut feeling that had my heart racing and palms sweaty.
Just then, Savannah walked into my room with her matching, purple, pajamas and a big, bright smile on her face excited for the day ahead of us.
I looked at her with my brows furrowed and a perplexed look on my face, until it hit me. “Oh! Right! We’re going shooting today! Hell yeah!” I exclaimed, remembering the plans we had made two days ago.
“Get ready! We’re leaving in 15!” She basically sprinted out of my room almost running into the door frame as she left.
Okay, I need my boots, some shorts, and a tee I don’t mind getting dirty. I ran from one section of my room to the other as I was trying to put on all of my clothes and do my hair at the same time, tripping over my pant legs. Ugh, there it is again, that ache, something does not feel right. But I shoved it to the back of my mind and ran out the door to the large truck of friends waiting for me.
*BANG* *BANG* the shots fired one after the other. *TING*, you could hear as the bullet hit the metal target on the opposite end of the large 8 acre barren field. The AR-15 felt like a beautiful machine in my hands as I pulled the trigger each time.
*BUZZ* *BUZZ* I felt my back pocket vibrating continuously. There was that ache again, but this time much stronger. Shit, again? I cannot shake this feeling. I set down my gun on the old wooden table behind me and reached for the non-ending vibrating phone in my pocket. CALLER ID: JACKIE. I hit the green accept button on the bright screen.
*BANG* *BANG* “Hey Annina, are you alone? Can you talk?” Jackie asked…
“Savannah? What is going on?” She just looked at me, her eyes welling up with tears.
“It’s Josh, isn’t it?” I asked with a shakey breath. She didn’t say a word, she just continued to look at me with more and more pain on her face.
“Okay, thanks for letting me know. I gotta go. Bye.” And just like that she hung up the phone and her face went cold. No emotion in her eyes, just a blank stare, like she was looking at a wall. Nothing. Knowing Savannah, something was wrong. Very wrong.
“What is it? Tell me.”
“Nothing, we can talk about it later, let’s just enjoy the rest of our day.”
“What the hell? No. Something’s wrong. I know it. I can feel it. It’s Josh.”
“Let’s go out front. I don’t want to tell you here in front of everyone.” She said quietly with a pain in her voice I had never heard before. She took my sweaty palm and lead me to the front of the ranch. My heart was pounding a hundred miles and hour, my eyes were tearing up, hands shaking, and I could feel the heat rushing to my cheeks like a red flame burning the skin. We stopped and she grabbed both of my hands. They were sweaty and shaking. She looked me directly in the eyes and I could feel all of her pain as she began to tell me what happened.
“So Jackie just got off the phone with Josh’s friend Gabe…” her eyes welled up and tears started running down her face. She could barely get the words out. “He was in an accident Nina, the hel.. helli.. hellicoper crashed. He didn’t make it. I’m… I’m… I’m so sorry nina.” Finally getting the words out through all of her tears and heaving breathing, we broke down. Immediately, tears began rushing down my face. My stomach was in knots and nausea was hitting every part of my being. People always say that their hearts drop, but I could literally feel mine breaking as it hit the floor between my feet.
How? When? Is this real? No, this is a joke. They’re fucking with me. Wow, this is a fucked up joke. Okay, maybe not. They wouldn’t mess with me like this. It just hit harder, like a pound of bricks to the heart. This is real. This is happening. I slowly crouched to the ground, with my head in my hands and bawled. It felt as though every liquid in my body was pouring out of my eyes, and every muscle and organ had gone numb. Savannah grabbed me as hard as she could and sat with her arms enveloped around me as our tears created streaks down our faces.
WHY? Why him? He’s GONE. GONE. I will never be able to see him again. Talk to him again. Nothing. Everything, all of the realizations, all of the guilt, all of the things I could have done differently, all of the things I wish I had said, ran through me as the tears soaked my face.
My friends took me home, and I ran straight back into that warm, pillow, white-sheeted bed that had greeted me earlier that morning. I laid there for the rest of the night, numb because there was nothing left in me to cry out. That night slowly but surely turned in to the next day, and then the next, and then the next, until it had been a week. That week turned into another week and another. Each night letting the tears, pain, and sorrow drown me into a deeper sleep. My friends would come in each day to check on me, bring me food, and comfort me, but the nausea and emptiness didn’t allow for a strong appetite for food or friends. I continued to push them away week after week.
“Get up Annina. Right now.” I slowly opened my eyes from the numb sleep I had just been in and 3 blurry figures came into view. Savannah, Jenna, and Bridget, my three best friends. What the hell? I Just want to sleep. The fuck do they want? “We set up an appointment for you to see someone. And you really need to talk to someone. If it’s not going to be us, then a professional.” Savannah said sternly but with compassion in her voice. Okay, I know I need to talk to someone, but I DO NOT want to get out of bed.
“Whyyyyyyyyy?” I slowly said with an annoyed little breath.
“Because, we sure as hell know how stubborn you are. You won’t ask for help, so we did it for you. Now, get up and put some clothes on. The appointment is in 30 minutes. We’ll go with you and be here along the way. You need this.”
With reluctance and a little bit of attitude, I rolled onto my stomach a slid slowly out of bed until my knees hit the floor. Unwillingly, I stood up and walked over to my dresser. I dug out some old sweats and without a care in the world, put them on. Each one of them reassuringly and caringly grabbed my hands, ushered me out to the car, and drove me to my appointment.
“Annina Cooper.” A short, older, brown haired woman called my name. I stood up, looked back at my loving friends with thankfulness and appreciation on my face, smiled for the first time in weeks, and walked through the door. I don’t think I would’ve ever gotten through this without them. I know now, that I am one lucky human to have friends as great as mine.
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