Rewrite for PROF. ANN

Outline

Thesis: The effects of growing up in a military family could be quite devastating and rewarding in equal measure. The effects therefore can be negative or positive in nature. RS Rhonda Sullivan A thesis should be a SINGLE, concise sentence that will control the essay as a whole

I. The effects of growing up in a military family.

A. Children are the most affected.

B. The feelings of loneliness and lack of a parent figure.

II. The negative effects of growing up in a military family.

• Feelings of anxiety, depression, stress and aggression.
• The return of a military parent when they are mentally or physically traumatized.
• Exposure to major stressful events.
• Children become irritable.

III. The positive effects of growing up in a military family.

A. Children get to build their confidence and appreciate the benefits of being of service to others.

B. Children learn to work hard and be independent.

C. Children in military families get to understand that there is no job that is below them.

D. Children who hail from military families also enjoy the benefits of diversity in their lives

Effects of Growing Up in a Military Family

Working in the military could be the dream job for many people around the world. Being able to serve the country with zeal and commitment is usually the main driving towards people taking these types of jobs RS Rhonda Sullivan awkward wording . However, there could be more to it. Nevertheless, RS Rhonda Sullivan all of this is awkward. The however leads the reader to believe you are contradicting the reasons people join the military. Nevertheless indicates that you talked about the family factor before the sentence that begins with that word. Since neither of those things happen, this group of ideas do not work together. the family factor cannot be wished away in the context where both the father and mother or either has to stay away from the family for a long period of time. Children are the most affected in such instances. The feelings of loneliness and lack of a parent figure to look up to are bound to crop up in such instances. Knowing the amount of care and attention children need, RS Rhonda Sullivan Dangling modifier. This phrasing does not describe "the effects". Instead, it describes the military members who are parents. the effects of growing up in a military family could be quite devastating and rewarding in equal measure. The effects therefore can be negative or positive in nature. RS Rhonda Sullivan A thesis should be a single, concise sentence.

Feelings of anxiety, depression, stress and aggression RS Rhonda Sullivan Are these things actually discussed in this paragraph? The next sentence mentions mental or physical trauma, but the sentence after that talks about a cause: exposure to war and other acts of violence. Does that sends refer to the parents? Even if it does, we are back to cause and the paragraph is supposed to focus on effects. Double check throughout and make sure that the ideas of anxiety, depression, stress, and aggression are mentioned in this paragraph. are bound to occur in children after living with long separation, multiple deployments, and usually tense and awkward family reunions. The return of a military service father or mother especially when they are mentally or physically traumatized can pose a negative effect on children. As much as children are known to be resilient, exposure to war and other acts of violence can take a major toll in their early years of life. At that young age, the brain is growing at a rapid pace and the child could be steadily growing a sense of trust in world existence RS Rhonda Sullivan This is a bit awkward. The idea of the brain growing and a sense of trust growing do not really work together. If you're talking about the child himself growing, as well as his attitudes and emotions, then the idea of growing a sense of trust in the world white work. Beyond that, how does the idea of trust relate to the sentence that follows about being exposed to stressful events? Stress and trust, while sometimes related, are also separate to one another. . Children from military families are exposed to major stressful events and thus they are bound to have issues when coping with their emotions in future. This occurrence hinders their ability to do well both academically and socially.

Also, worth noting is the fact that stress levels in military families are largely unprecedented. RS Rhonda Sullivan This is a work as a topic sentence. The previous paragraph talked about stress as a result of being a child in a military family. Not only does this paragraph tread over the same information then, but this makes a statement about stress levels. That is not the same as addressing cause/effect. Other than the children, parents who work in the military report major cases of anxiety, stress, depression and a considerable number of them are diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorders. Since the parent is depressed, that stress will flow down the family chain and into the children. Children who have are close to such parents become cranky and unwilling to eat. Toddlers could also be withdrawn. Some children keep to themselves and in severe situations become very irritable. School going children might feel like they are responsible for the issues that are affecting their military parent or parents. That being the case, they usually regress and find getting to sleep a hard task RS Rhonda Sullivan Some of the ideas in this paragraph see more related to the topic sentence of the previous paragraph. .

Most military parents are intelligent to know that what their children experience comes from them RS Rhonda Sullivan This topic sentence does not work within the frame of the essay assignment as a whole. Your thesis tells the reader you will focus on the effects of growing up in a military family. Instead, this topic sentence addresses the military parents and their role in addressing the child. What effect on the child is that? . When the parent is calmer, they also get into the same state. When the parent is sad, the children still take up the same notion. Families need to learn to be resolute in times when the other person has gone away on military duty. The main benefit of that is to make sure that children are not traumatized or forced to take up what the other parent is feeling. The military is like many other jobs out there and thus a feeling of confidence needs to overwhelm the family. Nevertheless, that is why there are also positive effects of growing up in military families. Having a parent serving the country gives children the feel-good effect that they are part and parcel of that course. By always behind their father, mother or both, children get to build their confidence and appreciate the benefits of being of service to others RS Rhonda Sullivan The majority of this paragraph seems to be a how-to guide in dealing with stress instead of cause/effect. . RS Rhonda Sullivan This is the only part of the paragraph that directly addresses effects.

Children RS Rhonda Sullivan Transition needed. in military families get to understand that there is no job that is below them from an early age. Considering what their parents go through, children of military parents learn lessons relating to humility earlier than their peers and more frequently. RS Rhonda Sullivan Redundant These children also learn to work hard and be independent. Being raised up in a military family also teaches children that there can never be a substitute for hard work RS Rhonda Sullivan redundant . Most children nowadays tend to feel that they are entitled. However, in a military family, children are raised up knowing that it is only through hard work that they will be able to succeed at what they do. The children end up getting satisfied with what they do knowing that they are being nurtured into becoming responsible citizens for the future. RS Rhonda Sullivan but is this something particular to military families only, or is this something particular to a parenting style? Certainly there are kids outside of the military who learn the value of hard work. I don't think the idea that their parents being in the military is the only factor in teaching children to be humble and work hard.

A child who is raised up in a military family also gets to appreciate that relationships are quite invaluable. In most cases, the kid from such a family will find himself or herself attending a new school due to relocations of parents. Rather than having to feel isolated, these children normally take this as the perfect opportunity for them to climb up the social ladder and get connected with friends and family. Finally, children who hail from military families also enjoy the benefits of diversity in their lives. Moving to different places during their lives allows military children to experience different cultures around the world. The children are thereby better placed to integrate better in society and appreciate all people regardless of age, race or ethnicity. RS Rhonda Sullivan Isn't this a different topic than the one that began this paragraph?

Teacher Notes: This new draft focuses on a topic that is appropriate. The organization of the information, though, is not as the outline would suggest. The outline suggests that there are two body paragraphs, one focused on positive effects and one focused on negative effects. Here, there are actually five body paragraphs, as the final paragraph is not a conclusion. In addition, that final paragraph is actually two body paragraphs together because it discusses two separate ideas.

The first body paragraph brings up a very specific topic sentence that gives a valid Teffect: children of military parents, particularly those whose parents have deployed or even TDY a great deal, suffer stress, anxiety, depression, etc. Information related to that topic is actually spread out over the next three paragraphs, though. That information also begins to move away from the military child and starts focusing on the parents and on how to deal with the effects, making the essay into a different kind of submission.

The next body paragraph discusses an effect that is not solely the property of military children: learning the value of hard work. In fact, children outside of the military learn to be humble and work hard as well, so that topic would not be valid. The final paragraph in the essay focuses on friendships and culture. Even though that paragraph is in the conclusion spot, it is not a conclusion. It is actually a body paragraph – really two body paragraphs because those are two separate ideas.

For revision, go through those first three paragraphs and eliminate all the information that does not focus specifically on anxiety, depression, stress being factors that the military child suffers. Then, eliminate the paragraph regarding hard work for the reasons given above. Finally, take the last paragraph and develop it into two separate body paragraphs, following those with a so what conclusion.