Rewrite for PROF. ANN
Qtip215
peerreviewed.rtf
1. What is the subject of the essay? What is the thesis? Is the thesis clearly recognizable or does it need to be revised?
o Growing up in as a child in a military family. Remember the thesis should be a single sentence and our thesis statement should be specific — it should cover only what you will discuss in your paper and should be supported with specific evidence.
2. How has the writer chosen to organize this essay: chronologically, emphatically, spatially, etc.? How do you know?
o You have a cause, however, it may not be clearly defined to a reader who is not military. Your mostly talking right away about the effects, and not defining the different causes that create these effects.
3. What are the strongest aspects of this paper? (Think about how the paper works as a whole: are the details consistent and well-interpreted? Does the tone seem accurate? Is the paper written for the appropriate audience?)
o I feel that strongest aspect is about people not really knowing what and how families of military members go through. Although with the amount of redundant words and the use of passive voice it was sometime difficult to understand what your full intent net was. The tone was accurate, like I said earlier some of your audience that is not military may not understand some of the aspects and struggles, so lay it out for them.
4. What two features of the paper need the most improvement? (Remember to be constructive in your suggestions. Spelling and capitalization are not the kinds of things to be suggested here. Think about possible revisions to the essay's content, structure, style, etc.)
o As with your paper, I too need to work on stronger theise statements. Clean up some of the redundant words and passive voice. My wife has used Google Translate for some of her essays, copy and paste into their and have it read to you to help clean some of this up.
5. What grammar issues might the author need to address?
o Short sentences that may have only needed a comma, and placing the subject before the verd to have that active voice within your essay.
Effects of Growing Up In a Military Family
Working in the military could be the dream job for many people around the world. Being able to serve the country with zeal and commitment is usually the main driving towards people taking these types of jobs. However, there could be more to it. Nevertheless, the family factor cannot be wished away in the context where both the father and mother or either has to stay away from the family for a long MD Michael Davis The word long is often overused. Consider using a more specific synonym to improve the sharpness of your writing.
an extended
period of time MD Michael Davis Redundant words
It appears that period of time causes some redundancy in this sentence. Consider changing it
period
. Children are the most affected in such instances. The feelings of loneliness and lack of a parent figure to look up to are bound to crop up in such instances MD Michael Davis cases . Knowing the amount of care and attention children need, the effects of growing up in a military family could be quite devastating and rewarding in equal measure. The effects therefore can be negative or positive in nature.
Feelings of anxiety, depression, stress and aggression are bound to occur in children after living with long separation, multiple deployments, and usually tense and awkward family reunions. The return of a military service father or mother especially when they are mentally or physically traumatized can pose a negative effect on MD Michael Davis overused word; negative
children. As much as children are known to be resilient, exposure to war and other acts of violence can take a major MD Michael Davis overused; major toll in their early years of life. At that young age, the brain is growing at a rapid pace and the child could be steadily growing MD Michael Davis Repetitive word; growing a sense of trust in world existence. Children from military families are exposed MD Michael Davis Passive voice; to major stressful events MD Michael Davis events,
comma
, and thus they are bound to have issues when coping with their emotions in future. This occurrence hinders their ability to do well both academically and socially.
Also, worth noting is the fact that stress levels in military families are largely unprecedented. Other than the children, parents who work in the military MD Michael Davis The word military appears repeatedly in this text. Consider using a synonym in its place.
in the army
in the armed forces
into the army
report major MD Michael Davis overused, try
significant cases of anxiety, stress, depression and a considerable number of them are diagnosed MD Michael Davis passive voice with post-traumatic stress disorders. Since the parent is depressed, that stress MD Michael Davis consider finding a synonym for the word stress will flow down the family chain and into the children. Children who have are close to such parents become cranky and unwilling to eat. Toddlers could also be withdrawn MD Michael Davis passive voice
. Some children keep to themselves and in severe situations become very irritable. School going children might feel like they are responsible for the issues that are affecting their military parent or parents. That being the case, they usually regress and find getting to sleep a hard task.
Most military parents are intelligent to know that what their children experience comes from them. When the parent is calmer, they also get into the same state. When the parent MD Michael Davis repetitive word is sad, the children MD Michael Davis repetitive word
kids still take up the same notion. Families need to learn to be resolute in times when the other person has gone away on military duty. The main benefit of that is to make sure that children are not traumatized or forced to take up what the other parent is feeling. The military is like many other jobs out there MD Michael Davis comma needed , and thus a feeling of confidence needs to overwhelm the family. Nevertheless, that is why there are also positive effects of growing up in military families. Having a parent serving the country gives children the feel-good effect that they are part and parcel of that course. By always behind their father, mother or both, children get to build their confidence and appreciate the benefits of being of service to others.
Children in military families get to understand that there is no job that is below them from an early age. Considering what their parents go through, children of military parents learn lessons relating to humility earlier than their peers and more frequently. These children also learn to work hard and be independent. Being raised up in a military family also teaches children that there can never be a substitute for hard work. Most children nowadays tend to feel that they are entitled. However, in a military family, children are raised up knowing that it is only through hard work that they will be able to succeed at what they do. The children end up getting satisfied with what they do knowing that they are being nurtured MD Michael Davis passive into becoming responsible citizens for the future.
A child who is raised up in a military family also gets to appreciate that relationships are quite invaluable. In most cases, the kid from such a family will find himself or herself attending a new school due to relocations of parents. Rather than having to feel isolated, these children normally MD Michael Davis overused
take this as the perfect opportunity for them to climb up MD Michael Davis redundant word
the social ladder and get connected with friends and family. Finally, children who hail from military families also enjoy the benefits of diversity in their lives. Moving to different places during their lives allows military children to experience different cultures around the world. The children are thereby better placed MD Michael Davis repetitive word
to integrate better in society and appreciate all people regardless of age, race or ethnicity.
