MGT M7mm

Comment by nymetsfan2: Follow format in Appendix B, page B-4, Figure B.2 in your text.

Essa Boukowa

Ritz Carlton

482 Alseef, Manama,

Bahrain.

Dear Mr. Boukowa,

I would like to compliment Mr. Ahmed Shanaby, main manager, of The Ritz Carlton, for his great personality and his amazing hospitality. Comment by nymetsfan2: Any Ritz? Where are you talking about? Would Mr. Boukowa know which location? Need to provide necessary details. Comment by nymetsfan2: The words great and amazing are too vague. What is great to you may be only okay to me. Use stronger words to explain what great personality and amazing hospitality mean.

At my time at The Ritz Carlton on summer 2014, We took a nice big room with my family, but my sister she saw a cockroach on her bathroom she has a phobia from them, So I immediately called Mr, Shanaby the manager to let him come and see the cockroach, when he saw it he apologized to me and he was very sorry about it, He immediately called his staff members to clean all this and he closed the room. After that he told us i will move you to another room and I will upgrade your room, I was amazed from what he did to us. Comment by nymetsfan2: Who is we? Use nouns instead of pronouns to help the clarity and conciseness of your sentence. Comment by nymetsfan2: Basic wording is used. Nice is too vague; big is too simplistic for college level or business writing. Comment by nymetsfan2: Redundant wording. She refers to “my sister.” Comment by nymetsfan2: The previous two lines of text contain additional problems than the items I already pointed out. The additional problems include: Comma splice - too many clauses/sentences are connected by a comma instead of other punctuation. View the videos on comma use to help you learn how to correct this situation. Awkward sentence structure – Again, view the videos on sentence structure to help you learn how to correct this situation. Comment by nymetsfan2: Is this information needed in this sentence? Comment by nymetsfan2: Again, a comma splice. Comment by nymetsfan2: Very is an intensifier. Don’t use intensifiers in business or academic documents. Comment by nymetsfan2: What does all this mean? Be specific. Use words that describe specifically what you mean. Comment by nymetsfan2: A couple of issues: Run on sentence Vague wording (what does “he closed the room really mean? Is it important to the meaning of your sentence?) Comment by nymetsfan2: Again, several issues in this sentence: Run on sentence Lack of punctuation Vague word choices

The Ritz Carlton is providential to have such a great manager that will make come to your hotel every time, and I would like to thank you and him for the great hospitality Mr, Boukowa. Comment by nymetsfan2: Your ideas and good will closing are exactly what I’m looking for in a closing paragraph. Well done! That said, please fix the sentence structure, word choices, and punctuation.

Sincerely,

Your letter satisfied some of the assignment's requirements and demonstrated several English grammar and mechanics issues that tend to plague many student writers, including native English speakers. Following are some areas to work on for your revision and next assignment:

· Strong/Descriptive word choices

· Use examples or an explanation to support your statements

· You never explained great personality or amazing hospitality; just that Mr. Shanaby moved you to a new room, which is required of him anyway.

· Punctuation

· The "You View"