englishcomp3 - REVISION

Essay by monika kovacs

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T IME SUBMIT T ED 25- AUG- 2016 07 :53PM

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VAR_WWW_MOODLE_T EMP_T URNIT INT OOL_214 64 9514 3.4 _ESSAY.DO

C (32.5K)

FINAL GRADE

51/75

Essay

GRADEMARK REPORT

GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor Dear Mo nika,

Yo u are having pro blems with the the thesis. and

o rganizatio n. T he thesis needs to be at the end o f

the intro ductio n and underlined. Yo u have several

areas which are similar to a thesis, including o ne in

the seco nd paragraph. No ne o f these are a real

thesis with the majo r po ints o utlined and a ref erence

to the applicatio n o f the no vel to to day. Yo u also

need to def ine ho w yo u are using "f eminism" in

co ntext as a mo vement that Shelley's mo ther

pro mo ted and that is still active to day in mo st parts

o f the wo rld.

T his makes f o r a rather chao tic o rganizatio n. Yo u

have the characters in individual paragraphs with

very little applicatio n. What applicatio n yo u have

needs to be expanded with so urces. Yo u can use

this o rganizatio n if yo u set it up in the thesis f irst.

Yo u do no t need headings.

Yo u do no t use yo ur so urces very much. In so me

places, yo u make statements witho ut pro o f f ro m a

so urce.

Many o f yo ur sentences are no t really co mplete

sentences and are co nf using and awkward to read

and understand.T hey need revisio n f o r clarity.

Language, grammar, and punctuatio n co ntribute to

the inco mplete sentences and awkward and wo rdy

phrasing.

Yo u are missing Shelley's wo rk cited in the paper and

o n the Wo rks Cited page.

T he o ther so urces are underused.

Start with a co ncrete thesis and set up the

o rganizatio n aro und it.

Best Regards,

Judy Z umwalt

QM

PAGE 1

Comment 1 | Format use MLA f o rmat f o r date

Comment 2 | Format do no t bo ld

Comment 3 | Research use the co mplete title

Comment 4 | Language T his is no t clear and needs to be revised (wo rdy and awkward)

Comment 5 | Punct uat ion set o f f by co mmas

Comment 6 | Punct uat ion o mit the semico lo n

Comment 7 | Organizat ion Mo re o f the intro ductio n needs to f o cus o n f eminism instead o f the general discussio n o f

o ther themes in the no vel.

Comment 8 | Organizat ion T his is a very lo ng and co nf using sentence. It needs to be revised and perhaps put into two

sentences

URL f or thesis statements URL f o r T hesis Statements

https://o wl.english/purdue.edu/engagement/2/2/56/

Comment 9 | Organizat ion T his sentence also needs revisio n and use o f punctuatio n.

Comment 10 | T hesis T he thesis needs to expand to include "f eminism" itself as a so cial mo vement, no t just the way

the f emale characters were depicted. Yo u need to def ine ho w yo u are go ing to use the term

"f eminism" in the co ntext o f this paper (pro bably earlier in the intro ductio n). T he thesis is to be

at the end o f the intro ductio n and no t in a separate sectio n. It needs to set up the three majo r

po ints yo u plan to discuss in the paper including the applicatio n o f the no vel to to day. Yo u may

have co nf used f emale with f eminism itself .

Comment 11 | Language

QM

QM

o mit

Comment 12 | Format T he thesis needs to be underlined

URL f or General Writing Purdue Owl URL f o r General Writing Purdue Owl

Link f o r general writing under Purdue Owl f o r MLA style (o pens up grammar, punctuatio n,

mechanics, etc. https://o wl.english.purdue.edu/o wl/sectio n/1/

Comment 13 | Organizat ion Yo ur o rganizatio n has to f o llo w the thesis po ints. Yo u need o ne bo dy paragraph f o r each

thesis po int and the to pic sentence needs to include a to pic sentence to narro w the paragraph

to that o ne po int.

If yo ur thesis is the o ne listed under T hesis Statement,abo ve, (with is sill unclear) the f irst

paragraph wo uld pro bably be abo ut passive acting ro les, f o llo wed by a paragraph o n ro les o f

mo ral excellence, then o n lo ve, and then o n submissiveness. Each paragraph wo uld then give

examples f ro m the vario us f emale characters rather than discussing each character in a

separate paragraph..

Comment 14 | Grammar o mit (a, n,and the are all co nsidered articles, a grammatical f o rm o f ten used in f ro nt o f no uns.

Comment 15 | Organizat ion yo u do no t have to anno unce this...just start with characteristics.

PAGE 2

Comment 16 | Organizat ion T hese need to be separate

Comment 17 | Punct uat ion set o f f with co mmas

Comment 18 | Language passive

Comment 19 | Research check ho w to do in- text citatio n (use the URL)

URL f or in-text citation URL f o r in - text citatio n

http:/o wl- english.purdue.edu/o wl/reso urces/7 4 7 /01/1

QM

Comment 20 | Support give examples o f ho w this happens to day thro ugho ut the wo rld. T his to be the majo r thrust o f

the paper

Comment 21 | Support Paragraphs need mo re suppo rt.

Comment 22 | Punct uat ion use a semico lo n bef o re and a co mma af ter a subo rdinating co njunctio n such as whereby.

Support Suppo rt Needed:

A well- written paper will include stro ng suppo rt f o r its thesis. Suppo rt f o r yo ur thesis sho uld

co me f ro m primary (o riginal do cuments, interviews, and perso nal experiences) and seco ndary

(inf o rmatio n that has been pro cessed o r interpreted by so meo ne else) so urces. T o use yo ur

suppo rt ef f ectively, yo u must elabo rate upo n the inf o rmatio n, quo tatio ns, and examples taken

f ro m yo ur so urces and co nnect them to yo ur thesis. It is also impo rtant to remember to cite the

so urces o f the evidence and suppo rt yo u use in yo ur paper.

Comment 23 | Research Jo yce is her f irst name and is no t a separate perso n

Comment 24 | Support But do esn't she do this indirectly?

Comment 25 | Punct uat ion subo rdinating co njunctio n

Comment 26 | Language is (do n't o mit necessary wo rds)

Comment 27 | Support give examples

PAGE 3

Comment 28 | Language Very co nf using and awkward. It needs revisio n.

Comment 29 | Punct uat ion Victo r (yo u do no t have to capitalize)

Comment 30 | Punct uat ion co mma

Comment 31 | Support Why? T his needs explanatio n and suppo rt

Comment 32 | Language revise f o r clarity

Comment 33 | Research T his needs explanatio n, examples, and pro o f

Comment 34 | Punct uat ion subo rdinating co njunctio n

Comment 35 | Language her (do n't o mit wo rds)

Comment 36 | Language T his is no t clearly phrased

Comment 37 | Grammar No t clear. T his is no t a co mplete sentence. It needs to be co nnected to the prio r sentence.

PAGE 4

Comment 38 | Punct uat ion set o f f with co mmas

Comment 39 | Language such as

Comment 40 | Language Very awkward and co nf using sentence.

Comment 41 | Research Yo u haven't pro ved this - it needs so urces

Comment 42 | Punct uat ion subo rdinating co njunctio n

Comment 43 | Language unclear

PAGE 5

Comment 44 | Research use Wo rks Cited and center it o n the page

Comment 45 | Research Yo u also need to ref erence Shelley's wo rk.

RUBRIC: V3 14 10 2APPLICATION

T HESIS (20%)

INADEQUATE

(2)

BELOW AVERAGE

(3)

AVERAGE

(3.50)

ABOVE AVERAGE

(4)

SUPERIOR

(5)

SUPPORT (20%)

INADEQUATE

(2)

BELOW AVERAGE

(3)

AVERAGE

(3.50)

ABOVE AVERAGE

(4)

SUPERIOR

(5)

3.38 / 5

3 / 5

T hesis & Fo cus: T hesis, central idea, audience, purpo se, digressio ns

Lacks an identif iable thesis. Limited o r no awareness o f audience and purpo se.

Readers canno t discern the essay’s central idea.

T hesis was attempted but unclear and/o r inco nsistently addressed. T hesis f ails to

address the no vel’s literary qualities o r so cial issues. Reveals limited awareness o f

audience and purpo se. Central idea either lacking o r inco nsistently addressed.

T hesis is identif iable, but perhaps to o narro w, to o bro ad, o r o therwise pro blematic.

T hesis addresses the no vel’s literary qualities and so cial issues, perhaps so mewhat

inef f ectively. Awareness o f audience may be adequate but inco nsistent. Central idea

is perhaps to o general and suppo rted by irrelevant examples.

T hesis is established and is co nsistently addressed thro ugho ut mo st o f the paper.

T hesis addresses the no vel’s literary qualities and so cial issues ef f ectively.

Awareness o f audience is suf f icient. Central idea is clear and maintained in mo st o f

the essay.

T hesis is clearly established and maintained thro ugho ut the entire paper. T hesis

clearly addresses the no vel’s literary qualities and so cial issues very ef f ectively.

Paper demo nstrates a so phisticated awareness o f audience and purpo se. Central

idea/f o cus maintained thro ugho ut.

3.50 / 5

Suppo rt & Develo pment T hesis suppo rt, thesis develo pment, assessment o f no vel’s literary qualities and

so cial issues, use o f examples, lo gic, and reaso n

No suppo rt o f thesis with relevant f acts, examples, reaso ns, o r evidence. No to pic

develo pment. Failure to assess the no vel’s literary qualities and so cial issues. T o pic

develo pment is f lawed o r no n- existent.

Suppo rt is minimal, lo gically f lawed, and/o r inaccurate. T he no vels’ literary qualities

and so cial issues are no t assessed ef f ectively thro ugho ut mo st o f the essay. T o pic

develo pment may have been attempted, but do es no t f o rm co nclusio ns and/o r f ails

to exhibit clear reaso ning.

Mo re suppo rt is needed. So me examples may be vague. T he no vel’s literary qualities

and so cial issues are assessed, perhaps inef f ectively. So me irrelevant suppo rt may

be present, but mo st evidence suppo rts thesis.

Suppo rt is suf f icient but perhaps f lawed in so me way. T he no vel’s literary qualities

and so cial issues are assessed tho ro ughly and mo stly ef f ectively. Examples are

suf f icient. T hesis is suppo rted and develo ped in mo st paragraphs.

Essay co mpletely suppo rts the thesis with lo gical arrangement o f evidence. T he

no vel’s literary qualities and so cial issues are assessed tho ro ughly and very

ef f ectively. Examples are excellent. All assertio ns are suppo rted and relate to thesis.

ORGANIZ AT ION (15%)

INADEQUATE

(2)

BELOW AVERAGE

(3)

AVERAGE

(3.50)

ABOVE AVERAGE

(4)

SUPERIOR

(5)

LANGUAGE (10%)

INADEQUATE

(2)

BELOW AVERAGE

(3)

AVERAGE

(3.50)

ABOVE AVERAGE

(4)

3.50 / 5

Co herence & Organizatio n: Intro ductio n, co nclusio n, bo dy paragraphs, transitio ns, to pic sentences

No clear intro ductio n, bo dy, o r co nclusio n. Little- to - no transitio ns. Demo nstrates

little- to - no understanding o f o rganizatio n. Many sentences within paragraphs do no t

relate to each o ther and/o r the paragraph’s to pic. May co ntain no discernible to pic

sentences.

Intro ductio n, bo dy, and co nclusio n attempted but pro blematic. Few transitio ns.

Perhaps numero us digressio ns. Mo stly missing o r pro blematic to pic sentences.

Demo nstrates little understanding o f o rganizatio n.

Identif iable intro ductio n, bo dy, and co nclusio n; yet o ne signif icant weakness is

present: undevelo ped intro ductio n, undevelo ped co nclusio n, illo gical paragraph o rder.

Adequate transitio ns, perhaps so me digressio ns. So me paragraphs may lack clear

to pic sentences. Demo nstrates basic understanding o f o rganizatio n.

Clear intro ductio n, bo dy, and co nclusio n altho ugh impro vements co uld be made. Mo st

paragraphs have clear to pic sentences. Essay establishes a clear plan o f

develo pment. T ransitio ns are clear thro ugho ut mo st o f the paper. Demo nstrates

go o d understanding o f o rganizatio n.

Clear and ef f ective intro ductio n, bo dy, and co nclusio n: Intro ductio n establishes the

essay’s main idea, and co nclusio n summarizes thesis and main ideas witho ut merely

co pying and pasting f ro m the intro ductio n. Clear and ef f ective transitio ns are present

thro ugho ut the paper. Demo nstrates excellent understanding o f o rganizatio n.

3.50 / 5

Language & Style: Wo rd cho ice, repetitio n, redundancy, awkwardness, article misuse, wro ng wo rd f o rm

(their/there, etc.), typo s/misspellings, vo cabulary

May co ntain mo re than 6 erro rs in wo rd cho ice, wo rdiness, redundancy, o r

awkwardness. May co ntain mo re than 6 erro rs in inappro priate language f o r academic

audience. Fails to demo nstrate co mpetent language use; sentences and vo cabulary

are inappro priate, f acile, and/o r inco herent.

May co ntain 6 erro rs in wo rd cho ice, wo rdiness, redundancy, o r awkwardness. May

co ntain 6 erro rs in inappro priate language f o r academic audience. Co ntains repetitive,

inco rrect, and/o r insuf f icient sentence structure and/o r limited vo cabulary.

May co ntain 4 – 5 erro rs in wo rd cho ice, wo rdiness, redundancy, o r awkwardness.

May co ntain 2 – 3 erro rs in inappro priate language f o r academic audience.

Demo nstrates co mpetency with language use but sentence co nstructio ns and

vo cabulary may be limited o r repetitive.

May co ntain 2 – 3 erro rs in wo rd cho ice, wo rdiness, redundancy, o r awkwardness.

May co ntain 2 – 3 erro rs in inappro priate language f o r academic audience.

Demo nstrates suf f icient kno wledge and skill with varied sentence co nstructio n and

vo cabulary. Unnecessary repetitio n is mino r.

SUPERIOR

(5)

GRAMMAR (10%)

INADEQUATE

(2)

BELOW AVERAGE

(3)

AVERAGE

(3.50)

ABOVE AVERAGE

(4)

SUPERIOR

(5)

PUNCT UAT ION (10%)

INADEQUATE

(2)

BELOW AVERAGE

(3)

AVERAGE

(3.50)

ABOVE AVERAGE

(4)

SUPERIOR

(5)

FORMAT (5%)

INADEQUATE

(2)

May co ntain 1 erro r in wo rd cho ice, wo rdiness, redundancy, o r awkwardness. May

co ntain 1 erro r in inappro priate language f o r academic audience. Demo nstrates

so phisticated kno wledge and skill with varied and co mplex sentence co nstructio n and

vo cabulary. Little- to - no unnecessary repetitio n.

3.50 / 5

Grammar: Fragments, subject- verb agreement, verb tense erro rs, verb f o rm erro rs, run- o ns, pro no un

agreement

Co ntains mo re than 5 dif f erent grammar erro rs. T he identical 3 – 4 erro rs may be

repeated thro ugho ut.

Co ntains 4 – 5 dif f erent grammar erro rs. T he identical 2 – 3 erro rs may be repeated

thro ugho ut.

Co ntains 2 – 3 dif f erent grammar erro rs. T he identical 1 – 2 erro rs may be repeated

thro ugho ut.

Co ntains 1 grammar erro r, which may be repeated thro ugho ut the essay.

Co ntains either no grammar erro rs, o r 1 – 2 dif f erent erro rs with no repetitio n.

3 / 5

Punctuatio n & Capitalizatio n: Co mma erro rs, co mma splices, apo stro phe erro rs, capitalizatio n erro rs,

semico lo n erro rs, co lo n erro rs

Co ntains mo re than 5 dif f erent punctuatio n/capitalizatio n erro rs. T he identical 3 – 4

erro rs may be repeated thro ugho ut.

Co ntains 4 – 5 dif f erent punctuatio n/capitalizatio n erro rs. T he identical 2 – 3 erro rs

may be repeated thro ugho ut.

Co ntains 2 – 3 dif f erent punctuatio n/capitalizatio n erro rs. T he identical 1 – 2 erro rs

may be repeated thro ugho ut.

Co ntains 1 punctuatio n/capitalizatio n erro r, which may be repeated thro ugho ut the

essay.

Co ntains either no punctuatio n/capitalizatio n erro r, o r 1 – 2 dif f erent erro rs with no

repetitio n.

4 / 5

Fo rmat: heading, title, margins, spacing, length, underlined thesis, o ther assignment- specif ic required

elements *Length f o r Applicatio n is 7 50 wo rds minimum

Do esn’t meet f o rmatting requirements: Fo rmatting may be missing f o ur o r mo re

elements (either no title, inco mplete heading, inappro priate spacing o r margins, o r

thesis no t underlined). Length may no t meet minimum requirements.

BELOW AVERAGE

(3)

AVERAGE

(3.50)

ABOVE AVERAGE

(4)

SUPERIOR

(5)

RESEARCH (10%)

INADEQUATE

(2)

BELOW AVERAGE

(3)

AVERAGE

(3.50)

ABOVE AVERAGE

(4)

SUPERIOR

(5)

Do esn’t meet mo st f o rmatting requirements: Fo rmatting may be missing three

elements (either no title, inco mplete heading, inappro priate spacing o r margins, o r

thesis no t underlined). Length may no t meet minimum requirements.

Meets so me f o rmatting requirements: Fo rmatting may be missing two elements (either

no title, inco mplete heading, inappro priate spacing o r margins, o r thesis no t

underlined). Length may no t meet minimum requirements (an essay that do es no t

meet length minimum will sco re no higher than 3 in this catego ry)

Meets mo st f o rmatting requirements: Fo rmatting may be missing o ne element (either

no title, inco mplete heading, inappro priate spacing o r margins, o r thesis no t

underlined). Length meets minimum requirements o f 7 50 wo rds.

Meets all requirements. Fo rmatting is appro priate in terms o f heading, title, margins,

spacing, underlining thesis. Length meets minimum requirements o f 7 50 wo rds.

3.50 / 5

So urce minimums, inco rpo ratio n o f so urces (including use o f signal phrases), use o f research to argue

to pic, MLA in- text quo te f o rmatting, Wo rks Cited list T his paper requires at least three credible so urces in

additio n to the no vel.

So urce minimum requirements are no t met. Research is insuf f icient, irrelevant, o r

inadequate. So urces are no t inco rpo rated at all, o r are do ne very po o rly. Five o r mo re

erro rs in do cumenting so urces using MLA style may be present. Wo rks Cited page

either o mitted o r f o rmatted very po o rly. It may be dif f icult o r impo ssible to discern

which so urces are in the list.

So urce requirements may no t be met (No te: If so urce minimum is no t met, the essay

will sco re no higher than 2 in this catego ry). Research is superf icial and/o r so urces

are inco rpo rated po o rly. No mo re than f o ur dif f erent erro rs in do cumenting so urces

using MLA style may be present. T hese identical erro rs may be repeated. Wo rks Cited

page may co ntain signif icant f o rmatting erro rs, and so me so urces may be o mitted

f ro m the list.

So urce requirements are met. Research may be superf icial, so urces may be po o rly

inco rpo rated. No mo re than three dif f erent erro rs in do cumenting so urces using MLA

style may be present. T hese identical erro rs may be repeated. Wo rks Cited page may

co ntain signif icant f o rmatting erro rs, but all so urces are listed.

So urce requirements are met. Fairly tho ro ugh research with mo stly ef f ective use o f

so urces. No mo re than two dif f erent erro rs in do cumenting so urces using MLA style.

T hese identical two erro rs may be repeated. Wo rks Cited page may co ntain mino r

f o rmatting erro rs, but all so urces are clearly listed.

So urce requirements are met. T ho ro ughly researches the to pic, uses so urces

ef f ectively. No mo re than o ne dif f erent erro r in do cumenting so urces using MLA style.

T his identical erro r may be repeated. Wo rks Cited page may co ntain mino r f o rmatting

erro rs, but all so urces are clearly listed.