Writing Homework

Peer Review for Jiwu Cui-

This topic talks about the safety of people in different parts of the world. The author did a good job at describing the points about different places and how secure we feel at those places. He asked a lot of questions for the audience and I think this bring the story into a good perspective. I like how the author used specific examples of crimes where people were in danger to show that our world is messed up and there needs to be something done in order to change this. I would try to go into a little more detail on this topic. What exactly are the showing the audience. You have a lot of good points but maybe focus on one specific area insead a a few different ones. Overall, I think the author has a strong understanding of their topic and the facts used in the story were also very helpful to show the audience a picture.

Paragraph 1: What is says/ what is does-

The first paragraph tells us a lot about what the author is going to be showing us throughout the story. The author shows us that terrorism is a huge problem. This does show the audience we do need better security in our lives in order to stop this.

Paragraph 2:

This paragraph might be able to add to the first paragraph instead of being on it’s own. It’s telling us more information on the huge problem that security is and how we need to change it. This does show us that it can be added into the first paragraph and it will allow the audience to see more on the issue.

Paragraph 3:

This paragraph goes into detail about security cameras and what they do for the security standpoint with violence. It does show that there are questions with the security footage and does it actually work?

Paragraph 4:

This paragraph and #3 can be added together also since they hit on the same points. This paragraph also shows that the author is asking the audience a question. Trying to get to the bottom line of where we feel safe in this world. This does show that the author does want to involve the audience by asking them this important questions.

Paragraph 5:

This paragraph shows that there is a real issue with gun violence. The author gives some great views on the subject and stories that show how this issue is around us in many different places. This says that our world is not okay and we need to do something to stop it. It gets the audience thinking.

Paragraph 6:

This paragraph goes into the issue of gun policy that has been a topic with our government. Guns have been a very big issue with our government and not allowing people with mental issues to own a gun then that could stop the gun violence. It’s saying to the world that we need to think twice about who we allow to have guns.

Paragraph 7:

This paragraph goes into showing the audience the many systems have been developed for data harvesting which is being done without the owner’s consent. This has caused many problems in our security systems. This says that our source of security can range from one thing to another.

Paragraph 8:

This paragraph recaps on the security and gun issues. This shows that we need to have better control on background checks and areas in the security in our world. This does show us that we need to realize all that is going on in our world.

Paragraph 9:

This paragraph should come more into a conclusion than just stating more facts. This paragraph goes into details and issues about terrorism. Showing us that the internet and other sources show these issues.