Love Relationships

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Friendship, Intimacy, and

Singlehood

Chapter 9

Friendship, Love, and

Commitment

 Friendship is the foundation for love and

commitment

 Love reflects the positive factors that draw

people together

 Commitment reflects the stable factors that

help maintain relationships for better or worse

 These three things are in all relationships to

some degree. It is the degree that defines

relationships

All Closely linked

Fabric of Friendship

 Enjoyment

 Acceptance

 Trust

 Respect

 Mutual Assistance

 Confiding

 Understanding

 Spontaneity

 Degrees of each… Davis and Todd, 1985

Love versus Friendship

 Fascination

 Exclusiveness

 Sexual desire

 Depth of caring

 Potential for enjoyment

 Potential for conflict, distress, criticism

Love Has Greater

Than Friendship

Sternberg’s Love Triangle

 Argues three dimensions found in love

 Presence or absence of these

dimensions determine type of love

 Dimensions:

 Commitment—cognitive aspect

 Passion—motivational aspect

 Intimacy—emotional aspect

The Love Triangle:

Commitment

 A person’s attachment to another

 Process develops over time

 Represents desire to be faithful

 Can be expressed by moving to a more

advanced stage of a relationship

 This part of love is present in long-term

relationships and is responsible for

people staying together through difficulty

The Love Triangle:

Intimacy

 The bonding and emotional closeness or

connectedness

 Involves:

 sharing feelings

 self disclosure

 emotional support

 Increases as the closeness grows

 Gains greater depth as a relationship matures

 Is defined differently throughout:

 Illness example

The Love Triangle:

Passion

 Develops quickly

 Romantic feelings, desires, and arousal

 Often involves touching, kissing, and being

affectionate

 Passion is wonderful but it can fade quickly

 Passion does not give people the sticking

power for raising children

 Passion does not get you through illness,

death, or other crises

Sternberg’s Eight Types of Love

 Non-love

 Nothing there: “Meh.”

 Liking

 Intimacy only

 Infatuation

 Passion only

 Empty love

 Commitment only

Sternberg’s Eight Types cont

 Fatuous love

 Commitment based on passion…fun but

never a good idea

 Similar to operating under the influence

 Romantic love

 Intimacy and passion

 Lacks commitment

Sternberg’s Eight Types cont

 Consummate love

 Contains all three dimensions

 Considered complete love by Sternberg

 Rare: More of an ideal

 Companionate love

 Commitment and intimacy reign, with less

passion than in the beginning

 These relationships endure: have usually

faced crisis and challenge

Jealousy

 Emotional response to real or perceived threat

to a valued relationship

 No gender differences in occurrence

 Gender differences in cause

 Men

 If partner is sexually involved

 Women

 If partner is emotionally involved

 Triggered by internal and external causes

Looking for Love on the Internet

 74% of single people looking for a

relationship say that they’ve used

internet dating sites

 15% say they know someone in a long-

term relationship with someone they met

on the Internet

Intimacy

 Dynamic Concept

 Pathways often differ by gender

 Women have more self-disclosure

 Men do activities together

 This is where gay/ lesbian relationships have an

advantage

 Heterosexual men and women tend to believe they

can create intimacy in the same way that they do

with same sex friends

 This can be a major source of misunderstanding

and conflict

5 Critical Areas for Developing

Intimacy

 Communication  (Remember chapter 4)

 Conflict Resolution  (Remember chapter 5)

 Couple Closeness  Emotional connection

 Couple Flexibility  Individual and couple

 Personality Compatibility  How they handle sameness and difference

Intimacy Games (Habits)

All couples engage in intimacy habits

Two Types:

 Constructive

 Enhances relationships and intimacy

 Destructive

 Creates distance and dissatisfaction

 Rules, expectations, and roles are unclear

and purposely obscured

Constructive Intimacy Habits

 Focus on positive aspects of

relationship

 Give to the other in a positive

manner

 Fosters reciprocity in relationships

 Examples?

Constructive Examples

 Committing to at least one meal together each

day

 Going on mutually agreed upon “dates”/

having “date night”

 Participating in mutually agreed upon hobbies

together: Seeking a common interest in

something

 Taking time away from one another

 Creating rituals together

Destructive Examples

 “I Don’t Care….You Decide”

 “The Ties that Bind”

 Zero-sum games

Destructive Intimacy Habits

 Limit Destructive Habits by

 Naming the habit

 Making implicit rules explicit

 Unveiling game strategies

 Identifying disguised objectives

Choosing to remain single…

Factors Contributing to Selected

Singlehood

 Choice

 Educational pursuits

 Societal acceptance

 Career aspirations

 Alternative to marriage

 History with relationships

 Trauma

 Loss

 Heterosexuality with disdain

Criteria for Successful Single Life

 Potential for economic self sufficiency

 Potential to be autonomous

 Intent and content to be single

 Intimate relationships are still very

important.

 They need not have a physical component

to be valid.

 For some, social media is all that is required

for “intimacy.”