Dating, Mate Selection, and Living Together

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Dating, Mate Selection, and

Living Together

Chapter 10

Courtship Patterns

 Parent-Arranged Marriages

 Elders assumed to know what is best

 Rejection is diminished

 Family support

 Highly stable

Courtship Patterns

 Based on economic, political, social status

 Is one way to ensure future generations will prosper

 Continues family lines instead of starting new ones

Courtship Patterns

 Helps women who have little power to prosper

 Historically, marrying well was akin to a good career because women could not own property, vote

 Securing a good marriage to a daughter was a sense of relief because she would not be a burden on the family

 This is the reason for a dowry

Courtship Patterns, cont.

 American Dating Style

 Individual choice based on love

 “Trial and error”

 High divorce rate

 Says a lot about gender roles and power

 Dating is not chaperoned like it used to be

 The purpose of parlors…

Limitations to Dating

 Although it may lead to intimacy, may not lead to commitment

 Tendency to skip friendship

 Focuses on romantic attraction

 Love and romance enjoyed for recreation

 Physical relationship mistaken for love

 Takes time and energy

 Creates an artificial environment

Harris, 1997

Contemporary Dating

 “Hooking Up”

 Internet Dating and Matchmaking

services

 Dating among older adults:

 Healthier and more active lifestyles

 Growing population demographically

 Social acceptance

Courting

 Not everyone hooks up or even has

sexual intercourse when they date

 Some people “court,” which is dating with

the purpose of achieving marriage. That

is the goal…

 Usually sexual intercourse is not a part

of this arrangement

 Works well when both partners have

similar sexual experience

Mate Selection Criteria & Issues

 Physical attractiveness  “Attractiveness capital”

 Attractiveness ranked third behind intelligence and “being funny” (Gardyn, 2002)

 Mating gradient  Tendency of women to marry men who are better educated or

more successful than they are

 Sex ratio  Number of men and women at any given age

 Endogamy  Choosing a mate from within one’s group

 Exogamy  Choosing a mate from outside one’s group

Challenges for Ethnically Diverse

Marriages

 Discrepancy in

Values

 Acculturation

differences

 Religious differences

 Racial challenges

 Sex and Sex Roles

 Differences in

socioeconomic

status

 Degree of cultural

familiarity

 Extended family

support

McGoldrick, 1998

Theories of Mate Selection

 Homogamy versus Complementarity

 Stimulus-Value-Role Theory

 Wheel Theory

Homogamy vs. Complementarity

 Homogamy:

 tendency to be attracted to and marry

someone from same background

 e.g. ethnic, socioeconomic, religious background

 Complementarity needs theory:

 Attraction to someone who complements

one’s personality—”opposites attract”

 Little empirical support

Stimulus-Value-Role Theory

 Theory of relationship process

 Stimulus

 attracted by a stimulus

 Value complementarity

 becomes more important than physical

attraction

 Role Complementarity

 extent to which can establish cooperative

relationship Murstein, 1987

Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love

Four components explain how love develops…and may unravel

 Rapport

 Self-revelation

 Mutual dependency

 Intimacy needs fulfillment

Occur within socio-cultural context that influences role conceptions

Reiss’s Wheel Theory

 Rapport- Becoming on the same wavelength

 Self-Revelation- Disclosure

 Mutual Dependency- Want and need of the

other person (takes time)

 Intimacy Need Fulfillment- Satisfaction from

having personal needs fulfilled

 These four things interact together and

mutually determine one another

Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love

Cohabitation Quiz

Cohabitation

 Two unrelated adults of the opposite sex sharing the same living quarters  ???

 Rising rates in United States:  Crosses racial, age, and economic classes

 Becoming normative

 Associated with age and parents marital status

 For some, associated with marital difficulties

Explanations for Cohabitation Rates

 Allows for greater time together

 Intimacy without commitment of marriage

 Economic advantages

 Learn about each other without divorce

issues and challenges

 “Test” compatibility

 Engagement

 What is another reason????

Types of Cohabiting Relationships

 Linus blanket

 Dependency and insecurity

 One partner prefers a relationship with

anyone to being alone- they are very fragile

 This often drives the stronger partner away

 Emancipation

 Means of breaking from family of origin

 Partner seeking emancipation often brings a

great deal of baggage

Types of Cohabitation, cont.

 Convenience

 “giver” and “taker”

 …getting the milk for free

 Testing

 Testing ground for marriage

Before you Cohabit…

 Draw up an agreement that you both

sign: Clarify finances and property

 Remember that you are not legally

protected in a cohabiting relationship

 No common law marriage in Illinois

 Beware of similar expectations

 USE BIRTH CONTROL

Conflict Issues in Dating

 Growing awareness of prevalence in

dating relationships

 25% of women and 10% of men have

reported violence in relationships

 Common conflict areas:

 Jealousy

 Commitment differences