Family Interview Assignment

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Conflict and Conflict

Resolution

Chapter 5

© 2011 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.

5-2

Nature of Conflict

 Conflict inevitable in relationships

 Management of conflict key

 Potential for growth or relationship crisis

 If not resolved…continues to grow

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5-3

Hierarchy of Conflict

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5-4

Myths About Anger & Conflict

 Caused by others

 Best way to deal with anger is to let it all out

 Best way to deal with anger is to keep it all

in….

 Anger is a beneficial emotion

 Anger is a bad emotion…

 Prevents others from taking advantage of you

 Does it?

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5-5

“Lerner’s Styles of Dance”

 Pursurers  Seek togetherness when anxious

 Underfunctioners  Become less competent under stress

 Overfunctioners  Tend to take charge in tough times

 Distancers  Want emotional space when stress is high

 Blamers  Others responsible for problems

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5-6

“The Dance of Anger”

 Metaphor to describe how individuals deal with anger and stress and the impact on one’s partner—the “dance” of the couple

 Gendered norms…  Women

 Encouraged to overfunction in areas of housework, child work and feelings work

 Other areas women are socialized to be pursuers and underachievers

 Men  Socialized to be distancers and overfunctioners

Lerner, 1985

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5-7

Approaches to Conflict Resolution:

“Fighting Fairly”

 Negotiate from adult position

 Avoid ultimatums

 If one loses, both lose

 Say what you really mean  “You’re a jerk,” vs. “You really hurt my feelings with XYZ

and it makes me want to call you names.

 Own your feelings

 Avoid accusations and attacks

 State wishes clearly

 Check your perceptions for accuracy

Crosby, 1991

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5-8

Approaches to Conflict Resolution:

“Fighting Fairly”

 Never use sex to settle disagreements

 …it can be used for healing however

 Repeat the message you think you received

 Refuse to fight dirty

 Resist silent treatment

 Focus on issue (no kitchen sinking)

 Call time out

 Use humor

 Seek closure

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5-9

Constructive and Destructive

Approaches

 Constructive  Focus on present rather than past issues

 Share both positive and negative feelings

 Accept mutual blame

 Search for similarities

 Destructive  Brings up old issues

 Express only negative feelings

 Focus on people versus issues

 Emphasize differences

Constructive approaches Lead to Growth and Intimacy

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5-10

Styles of Conflict Resolution

 Five styles of Conflict Resolution

 Styles differ in terms of…

 Concerned for own interests

 Concern for the other person’s

interests

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5-11

Competitive Style

 Aggressive and uncooperative

 Conflict = war

 Object is to win the war

 High concern for self

 Low concern for other

Kilmann & Thomas, 1975

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5-12

Collaborative Style

 Opposite of Avoidance

 High concern for self and partner

 Optimal solution strived

 don’t want compromise for self or partner

 Time and energy demanding

 Relationship burnout possible

Kilmann & Thomas, 1975

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5-13

Compromise Style

 Moderate concern for both self and

partner’s interest

 Satisfactory solution for both sought

 “each have to give a little”

 Less time consuming than collaborative

 May lead to failure to find best solution

Kilmann & Thomas, 1975

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5-14

Avoidance Style

 Little concern for self or other

 Maintains peace  even though a hollow peace

 Nonassertive and passive behaviors characterize style

 May provide time to reflect on issue

 May convey message  Conflict is bad

 Lack of concern or care

Kilmann & Thomas, 1975

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5-15

Accommodating Style

 Neglect of self interest for partners

 Characterized by nonassertive but

cooperative behavior

 May reduce creative options

 May cause resentments down the

road

Kilmann & Thomas, 1975

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5-16

Resolving Conflict: Six Basic Steps

 Clarify the issue

 Find out what each person wants

 Identify various alternatives

 Decide on negotiation strategy:

 Quid pro quo—“this for that”

 Quid pro quid—“this for this”

 Agreeing to disagree

 Solidify the agreements

 Review and renegotiate as needed