Family Interview Assignment

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Communication and Intimacy

Chapter 4

Table 4.1 Communication Strengths of

Happy Couples vs. Unhappy Couples

STRENGTH Happy

Couples

Unhappy

Couples

Very satisfied with how we

talk 90% 15%

Partner understands how I

feel 79% 13%

Easy to express feelings 96% 30%

Partner is very good listener 83% 18%

Partner does not put me

down 79% 20%

Olson & Olson, 2000

Top Five Communication Issues for Married

Couples—Percent with Problems

1. Wish my partner were more willing to share

feelings

2. Have difficulty asking partner for what I want

3. Partner does not understand how I feel

4. Partner often refuses to discuss

issues/problems

5. Partner makes comments that put me down

Conversational Style and Gender:

LISTENING STYLE

Masculine

 Irregular eye contact

 Infrequent nodding

 Infrequent use of “uh-

huh”

 Multiple activities

 Interruptions to speak

 Questions to analyze

speaker’s information

Feminine  Uninterrupted eye

contact

 Frequent nodding

 Undivided attention

 Pauses to speak

 Questions to illicit more information

Source: “ War of the Words: Women Talk About How Men and Women Talk ” by P . Meier , January 6, 1991 ,

Conversational Style and Gender:

SPEAKING STYLE

Masculine  Few pauses

 Abrupt topic changes

 Speaks until interrupted

 Speaks louder than previous speaker

 Frequent use of “I”

 Rare self disclosure

 Humor based on teasing, jokes

Feminine  Frequent pauses

 Connects information

 Stops speaking when information delivered

 Matches volume

 Frequent use of “we”

 Self disclosure

 Humor interwoven into discussion

 Humor seldom based on teasing or jokes

Source: “ War of the Words: Women Talk About How Men and Women Talk ” by P . Meier , January 6, 1991 ,

Perspectives on Communication:

Competition Versus Connection

Masculine

 Competitive

 Action oriented

 Solution oriented

Feminine

 Connection oriented

 Relationship oriented

 Affiliative

Communication involves finding the balance between competing

needs for intimacy and independence

Cultural Differences in Communication

Cultural differences can affect not only how well

a message is understood but also the way in

which the messenger is perceived as an

individual.

 Examples of Cultural Differences:  Seinfeld – Cross Cultural Differences

 Spanglish – Communication Barriers

 Eye contact

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlcFB0NZHLo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNSaxqEmsPs

How do groups communicate?

 Symbols

 Clothing

 Colors

 How it is worn

 What is worn

 Hand signs

 Walks

 Graphitti

What happens if a

nonmember uses

symbols from another

group?

This does not

necessarily just apply

to gangs, etc

Basic Communication Principles

 You cannot not communicate

 Message sent is often not the message

received

 Communication failures rest with both people

 Each message conveys content and

relationship information

 Incongruency between verbal and nonverbal

communication is problematic

Nonverbal Communication

 Estimated that 65% of communication is nonverbal

 Verbal

 Written

 Ability to interpret nonverbal communication important in successful relationships

 The Secrets of Non Verbal Communication

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pozqDz7B-sw

Mixed Messages and Double Binds

 Mixed messages

 Discrepancy between the verbal and nonverbal components

 Double bind

 Verbal and nonverbal messages result in questioning relationship or conflict

 Metacommunication

 Communicating about communication

Using Communication to

Maintain Intimacy

Speaking: The Art of Self-Disclosure

 Disclosure of personal information or feelings to another

 Key to development of intimacy

 Involves:  Awareness of information

 Predisposition to disclose

 Disclosure varies among relationships and emotional health of members

Using Communication to

Maintain Intimacy

Listening: A Difficult Skill

 Listeners influence the telling of the “story”

 Listener’s motives or goals  Persuasion

 Looking for opening to jump in and control

 Directing  Attempt to channel the conversation

 Discovery  Attentive listening to learn

Responsive Styles in Interpersonal

Communication

 Assertive

 Expression of one’s thoughts, feelings, and

desires as a right

 Passive

 Unwillingness to say what one thinks, feels,

or wants

 Aggressive

 Aims to hurt or put down the other person

Table 4.4 Communication

Patterns and Intimacy

Person A Person B Relationship

Who

Wins

Level of

Intimacy

Passive Passive Devitalized-

boring

Both lose Low

Passive Aggressive Dominated I win, you

lose

Low

Aggressive Aggressive Conflicted Both lose Low

Assertive Assertive Vital/growing Both win High

Positive and Negative

Communication Cycles

 Assertiveness: persons ability to express his

or her feelings and desires

 Self-confidence: a person’s feelings about

self and ability to control things in life

 Avoidance: person’s tendency to minimize

issues and a reluctance to deal directly with

issues

 Partner dominance: degree to which partner

is felt to be controlling and dominant

Positive and Negative

Communication Cycles cont.

 Positive Communication Cycle:

 Assertiveness

 Self confidence

 Negative Communication Cycle:

 Avoidance

 Partner dominance

 Examples?

Positive and Negative Cycles

Using Communication to

Increase Intimacy cont.

I-Statements

 Describe personal thoughts, feelings, or

experiences in first person singular

 Advantages:

 not threatening

 promote openness

 focus on problems rather than personalities