i need 5 pages paper

We met online over five years ago and started a relationship that was anything but normal

in the "traditional sense". Nick was in the process of getting a divorce and I wanted anything but

a serious relationship. Somewhere in that year of emailing and talking on the phone, we began to

fall in love with this sense of who the other person was. When we finally decided that ~ lives

were in a better place than when we had first started communicating we decided to meet in

person and have been together ever since. In the past five years we have helped each other,

depended on each other and realized that possibly (yes, just possibly) soul mates do exist. I have

decided to look into this relationship because of the changing dynamics in our relationship. With

each conflict, accomplishment or even addition to the family, our relationship evolves and

changes. In order to describe the evolution of our relationship, I feel the following six concepts

are most accurate and will help describe some of the important fundamentals of our relationship.

These concepts are self-disclosure, openness-privacy dialectic (dialectical tension), intimacy,

conflict ritual, compromise, and relational maintenance.

The first topic that I am going to discuss is self-disclosure. In the book, Looking In,

Looking Out, authors' Adler and Towne, define self-disclosure as "the process of deliberately

revealing information about oneself that is significant and that would not normally be known by

others." When Nick and I first started emailing and instant messaging, we revealed very little

about each other. We knew the basics like both of us had a child, I was single and he was going

through a divorce, but other than that, we did not want to know anything else. At that time in our

lives, we both agreed the less people knew the better chance we had of not getting hurt again.

Hours turned into days, and days quickly turned into months. About three months into the

emails, Nick began to disclose the real reason of the impending divorce and his feelings for his

soon-to-be ex-wife. At this point, he would send emails asking to go out for a pizza. I would

always respond with a no thanks just because of the situation. He was opening up to me and

disclosing information that he had not told anyone, not even his ex-wife, and I was still adjusting

to everything I was being told. I was twenty when we started chatting and at that time, I had an

extreme distrust of people especially men. Eventually, Nick began to earn my trust and I slowly

opened up about my life. I told him about my daughter's father and my relationship with my

mom and grandma. As time went on we became closer friends and started having romantic

feelings towards one another. We would instant message at night after we put our kids to bed for

hours about what had happened that day at work, with the ex's, with the kids, and everything else

that made up our life at that time. Eventually, after a year of chatting online, a finalized divorce

and another relationship ending we decided to meet the night before Easter. What we had

learned about each other in that year had laid a foundation for the romantic relationship we were

about to begin.

Our first of many challenges came with our personalities. Of course online you have this

ambiguous area where you can say what you want and be someone you are not, it's also

somewhat of a safety net for those who are introverted because they can pretend to be

extroverted. Well that was what happened with Nick and 1. I am an extremely extroverted

person and do not mind meeting new people, going new places and being the life ofthe party.

Online, Nick had approached things the same way, however in life he is an extreme introvert.

When in public, Nick is content to draw as little attention to him as possible. Adler and Towne

define this type of relationship structure as openness vs. privacy dialectic. Openness-privacy

dialectic is a form of dialectical tension which is defined as "conflicts that arise when two

opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously" (Adler and Towne, pg. 332). After six

months into our relationship, we had our one and only major argument and I moved out of the

wanted to dance with me. Nick immediately became jealous about the fact that I was spending {)fl-

very little time with him and pulled me aside to find out what was going. I explained that I was

we shar~he remaining two characteristics of intimacy; physical and shared activities. Both of

intimacy. Like most things in life, men and women have different ways of expressing their

intimate feelings for each other. I want Nick to express his feelings for me by communicating

them, while he feels that going to a movie or just spending time together is expressing his

feelings for me. In order to prevent hurt feelings on either side we have created a date night. On

the date we will typically do something were it is just the two of us and talk about our feelings

for each other and what is happening in our life. We found that by doing this both of our

intimacy styles are being me~ and no one is being forced to be something they are not.

Adler and Towne defines the next concept, conflict rituals, as "unacknowledged but very

real patterns of interlocking behavior." When in an argument we play similar roles in each

argument. In my opinion, the roles that we play are a result of our personalities. In most of our

conflicts, I am the one who is more aggressive of the two. Nick can always tell when I am

getting to my blowing point. Suddenly even the small things are huge and unforgettable. Nick

remains the calming force during these outbursts and is always there to see the rational side of

events. The problem created by this ritual is that I am the one who is constantly over-responding

to situations while Nick is the one always trying to smooth things over. One of the issues that is

a result is Nick does not get the complete opportunity to "blow-up" and ends up keeping

everything inside. Another issue with this is what I call the "Chicken Little Syndrome", where

you are making items and issues bigger than they really are. "Arguments, however, don't

necessarily have to spell the end of your cozy union. They could actually be a venue for venting

your frustrations and working out differences. But like any other conflict, these wars of words

must be handled responsibly and with tact" * (Ask Men.com).

Throughout our relationship is the element of compromise, whether we are using it to

help with our children or in ending an argument. "An approach to conflict resolution in which

both parties attain at least part of what they wanted through self-sacrifice," is the book's

definition of compromise. In our relationship, we have to be lovers, partners, parents, business

owners, and friends all at the same time. That art of juggling hats had provided both Nick and I

with a huge understanding of compromise. For example, Nick was raised that you spend holiday

time with your immediate family, while I was raised that you visit your parents. The holiday

time of year is already stressful enough and needs no added pressure so what we decided was

that we would switch off on visiting each others families for Thanksgiving and stay home for

Christmas. This agreement has helped our family but giving us a definite time for a vacation and

helps us with my husband's custody agreement with his ex-wife. It also helps me plan for our

family's favorite holiday, Christmas, which in and of itself carries a magnitude of stress.

Our relationship would not survive if it were not for the constant relational maintenance

that we do on our marriage. Relational maintenance is defined as "communication aimed at

keeping relationships operating smoothly and satisfactorily" (Adler & Towne). For example,

every morning before I go to work Nick always compliments me on my attire for the day.

Another thing that I do is constantly is remind him of how proud he makes me. While there is a

list of the things we do, it is these things that help us to stay focused on our relationship. With a

family of six, the smallest amount of adult communication is sacred and cherished. These extra

steps of support keep our relationship strong and constant in a world where very little has

remained constant.

Every person at some point in his or her life has maintained a relationship with someone,

whether it is a loved one or a friend. The relationships that we make can not be taken at face

value alone. As there are a mix of the personalities of those involved, and a numerous amount of

other circumstances that are not visible to the naked eye, yet felt deep inside your heart. The

difficulties that Nick and I have are just as constant as the enjoyments that we share together.

The efforts that we make are appreciated and recognized by the other person giving more

meaning to us than other relationships. As the constant joke amongst our friends' states, "Is the

honeymoon over yet?" And to that our answer in a resounding "NO!"