reading and writing assignment

Chapter 6

Building Rewarding

Relationships

Open your heart everywhere you go. Send love to everyone you encounter then send it back to yourself.

Feeling the touch of a gentle hand, sharing a warm embrace, experiencing unconditional love, and knowing there is someone to share dreams and sorrows all create the bond of a human relationship, and hopefully one that is rewarding. Relationships are the food that nourishes our emotional, physical, and spiritual selves. Much of your daily thoughts, activities, and conversations is focused on the relationships you have or wish you had. With all the energy

and desire we give to relationships, why is it that so many of us are unhappy in our relationships? We yearn to be connected, yet maintaining harmonious relationships is often a challenge. The need to be connected to significant others be- gins at birth and is the first ingredient to forming a healthy emotional attachment. “People with a strong support net- work live longer, are less vulnerable to getting sick, and tend to live happier, more fulfilling lives and children who have strong, supportive relationships with their families were less prone to getting sick, and less likely to turn to drugs, get pregnant, or be involved in crime” (1). Let’s take a look at how your early experiences set the stage for developing your personality and how you form relationships.

Primary and Disowned Self

Hal and Sidra Stone’s concept of the primary and disowned self is a simple model that describes how we develop the patterns of emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that define us. We develop our primary selves during our growing years when we identify ourselves with experiences and values that were accepted by our families and caregivers. These patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving are the cornerstone of the primary self, the person you are familiar with and show to the world. On the other hand, the parts of you that were rejected in the growing-up process are the parts of yourself that have not been nurtured, yet are still very much an important part of who you are. This disowned self, like the primary self, maintains an equal amount of power in your life. There may be many disowned selves waiting to be acknowledged. Both your primary and disowned selves make up your personality and dictate how you behave in your relationships.

For example, if you were raised in a family where holding your feelings inside was accepted and speaking your mind was frowned upon, you probably will seek out relationships with others who have a voice and speak up for themselves. Unfortunately, your primary self may go along with decisions that you may not agree with. This sets the relationship up for never-ending expectations for someone else to satisfy your dis- owned self. Letting go of the fear of speaking up for yourself will offer you an opportunity to feel empowered and let go of the expectation of your partner to speak up for you and have the last say. Thus, letting go of your disowned self releases you from being stuck in the “negative dance” of expectations that never seems to end. You repeat old patterns with your children, friends, and family for generations when your disowned selves are hidden, and thus happiness eludes you.

Remember your primary self is that part of yourself that you feel most comfortable with, for better or worse. The disowned self is that part of you that did not receive acceptance, and you, unfortunately, look for that part of yourself in your partners, children, employers, coworkers, and friends, seeking to have these needs of the disowned self met. You search out others to satisfy those parts of yourself that you have disowned and rejected by expecting others to meet those needs (2). In fact, you often choose partners who mirror those parts of yourself that you reject. Take a moment and reflect upon the characteristics that define your primary self and those characteristics that define your disowned self and how these show up in your relationships.

Infants thrive on being soothed when in pain, want to be held for safety and comfort, and seek out consistent nurturing from the familiarity of caregivers. Infants form attachment by the love they receive from their caregivers in rocking, hugs, coos, and smiles taken in through their senses. These experiences are transformed by the infant’s sensory systems into patterned neuronal activity that influences the development of the brain in positive ways, helping infants to grow and survive (3). When babies feel nurtured in their relationships, they readily learn to become interdependent with others. For example, a baby may reach out to a parent and give the parent his or her toy or offer to share his or her food. Infants readily offer smiles and hugs and soothe a distressed parent by stroking the parent’s face or offering a kiss. This is the beginning of developing empathy, a core ingredient in healthy relationships. Even at this early stage of growing, infants are forming the primary self, learning how to receive love and acceptance.

The relationship between a parent and child can be one of the most transforming experiences in your life, as children are mirrors of you. If you pay attention to what’s happening with your children, you see the deepest part of yourself, like it or not! “It’s interesting to look at your children as live- in Zen masters who can put their finger on places where you’re resistant, or thinking narrowly, in ways no one else can”, (4). Children help you seek out the “child within yourself.” It is not unusual to find a big, burly dad rolling on the floor, laughing heartily with his toddler, only to go back into a silent shell when connecting with his partner or friends. Your life can be richer if you sustain that magic and sense of vulnerability with all of your experiences. When you allow your vulnerability to be seen, you open the doors for intimacy and empathy in your relationships, the road to happiness. Imagine how fulfilling life could be!

Relationships during adolescence are a crucial time and a stepping-stone toward adulthood. Too often parents worry about the negative impact of romantic relationships with adolescents, such as risky sexual activity and abusive behaviors. When adolescents engage in healthy romantic relation- ships it can have a positive impact on (a) identity, which can help them gain a clearer understanding of who they are and what they value; (b) developing interpersonal skills through effective communication, negotiating boundaries, developing empathy and emotional resiliency, and coping skills during break-ups; and (c) receiving emotional support from those other than parents (5), particularly for minority sexual orientation youth who often keep their sexual orientation a secret from family and friends, as their romantic partner may be the only person they feel safe sharing thoughts and feelings with (6). Helping adolescents process feelings and express the nuances of their experiences in their relationships with their friends and adults without the fear of judgment can support them in making healthy decisions. When parents, friends, and teachers accept the ups and downs of adolescent relationships with respect by responding to them without reacting or judgment, they are able to model empathy. Acknowledging adolescents with all of their drama, emotions, and behaviors leads them on the road toward open, healthy relationships as they mature into adulthood.

College-age students, like adolescents, often have ideals pertaining to relationships. Research studying undergraduate students found that 62% of those students involved in a relationship believed that “all problems can be solved if there is enough love,” and men as well as women believed in “love at first sight” and “love conquers all” (7). A study that looked at college students’ beliefs about romantic relationships found that men were more likely to believe that living together improved marriage, bars were a good place to meet a mate, men control relationships, and people will “cheat” if they feel they will not get caught. Women, on the other hand, were more likely to believe that love is more important than factors such as age and race in choosing a mate, that couples stop “trying” after they marry, and that women know when their men are lying (8). Students in university settings often seek help related to love relationships that are interfering with their academic success and retention. Some college-age students may for the first time live away from the guidance of their families. They are left to navigate their way in the world of relationships—making new friends, having the freedom to engage in sexual activity, figuring out ways to manage time for academic study and employment, and having the pressure of knowing that they hold their future in their hands.

All too often, young adults enter the world ill equipped emotionally to handle the plethora of experiences and decisions they need to make. If young adults are lacking the emotional ammunition to engage successfully, we can help them along the way. Offering courses for students beginning in elementary school through college that focus on healthy relationships may be as important as the academic curriculum so that they gain life skills in developing harmony and happiness. After all, the wisdom one develops from life experiences, usually as a result of relationship experiences, is the impetus to use the knowledge gained.

As adults we continue to long for connection. “Relationships are living organisms that, like plants and animals, need nutrients to survive. Neglect lead to starvation, atrophy, root rot and eventual death of the human spirit” (9, p. 171). We need each other, yet often excessive demands are placed on relationships, sucking the joy out of them. Parents want to dictate a child’s life, friends make unrealistic demands, and partners fear rejection and lose the wonder of intimacy in their relationship. Regardless of whom you are in relationships with, there is one steadfast common factor: you are the main character in all of your relationships. We all want to be happy, yet often cannot find the tools to achieve harmony.

We often load our relationships with expectations, demands, misperceptions, fear of intimacy, and projections. These frequently lead to conflict and anxiety and thus disconnection, the very opposite of our desire. A sense of self-satisfaction impacts our feelings in our relationships with others. This is a key element in sustaining a rewarding relationship. Reflecting back on the previous discussion of development of the self, it becomes clear that adults who cannot accept their own experiences without judgment will undoubtedly place unrealistic demands on their relationships with others. These expectations propel a vicious cycle of demanding and longing to receive from others that which we need to give ourselves. How can you unravel the patterns of behaviors you have developed that prevent you from having rewarding relationships? Researchers continue to ask couples what works to maintain satisfaction together, offering you guidance in your own relationships.

Ten most important characteristics of couples married over twenty years (10, p. 160)

Six Behaviors Important to Relationship Satisfaction

- Acknowledging the partner

- Engaging the partner in everyday conversations

- Ego- building comments such as praising

- Share memories about time together

- Share mutual activities

- Give feedback, mutual honesty, encouragement and correction

A feeling of being connected and acceptance of the other are themes found in rewarding relation- ships. Couples who are mentally engaged, open to new experiences, and aware of new contexts enjoy more satisfying and fulfilling marital relationships. Mindful individuals may feel less threatened by change (12, p. 50). Sometimes people need guidance to see relationships from a new perspective, as many of us are fixed in particular ways of behaving, feeling, and thinking, repeating the same patterns in relationships for generations. How often does one say, “I can’t believe I’m doing the same thing as my mother, or father!” The Relationship Enhancement System is one model to help us navigate away from old behaviors and toward developing new healthy relationships.

Relationships Enhancement System

Expressive (Owning Skill)	One is aware of and owns his or her feelings
Empathic Responding (Receptive Skill)	One listens and gains an understanding of the other person’s feelings and motives
Conversive (Discussion/Negotiation/ Engagement Skill)	One learns to listen and give back a sense of understanding of the meaning of what was heard

Even if you have developed skills for maintaining a healthy relationship, you need to be able to handle the challenges that face you so that you can regain balance and harmony. Guttmann found that marital success depended upon maintaining a ratio of five positive experiences to one negative, regardless of whether the marital conflict style was marked by validation, volatility, or avoidance (14, p. 265). When partners in a marriage are optimistic, they understand that conflicts are natural, can be confined to many of successive situations, are always resolvable, and that each partner has the skills to fulfill these expectations (15, p. 264). The following questions reflect optimism, thus facilitating a more positive marital interaction and outcome. Note that these questions are not dictating opinions and “shoulds,” but rather, an openness for both to process and share:

How soon can we get back to feeling good with each other? What are my resources to resolve this most successfully? What are the best questions to get us on a good track? Is this an optimum time to discuss this?

What can we learn so we do better next time? What solutions would have us both win? (16)

Take a moment and reflect upon your friendships. Do you feel nourished or depleted in your friend- ships? We often reflect upon the significant impact a friend has had or has in our lives. Friendships are one of the first relationships we develop away from our family that offer us new opportunities to explore ourselves, often without expectations. A longitudinal study of 32 years found that people were 57% more likely to become obese if a friend became obese. The impact of family had less influence than friends, regardless of whether they lived 100 miles away or 15 (17). Research has also found that when women are stressed they elicit the hormone oxytocin, which is calming and buffers the fight-or-flight response, encouraging them to reach out to other women. Women also tend to seek the company of other women when stressed (18). It is a known fact that women live longer than men, and this may be due to the fact that women are one of the best buffers toward preventing illness. Men have a different way of dealing with their relationships with their friends— their “conversations deal with the doing of things rather than the feelings of things.” Research has found that men do not choose friends or partners who are demanding or needy, and men are not usually physically or emotionally expressive, yet derive great support from their friendships (19) Regardless of how men and women interact and gain support from each other, the fact remains that friendships are often the backbone of emotional satisfaction for both.

For older adults, the need for love and connection does not dwindle. Unfortunately, in our Western world the media depicts older adults as frail and ill. The fact is older adults have wisdom to share, like to play, enjoy engaging in conversation with others, and desire intimacy. Changing the attitudes of young and middle-aged adults toward the elderly is necessary so that the expression of sexuality and desire for intimacy is viewed as important. As a society we hold cultural beliefs that restrict the most basic needs of older adults, and “this cultural ambivalence, then, seems to be interfering with the physical, psychological and material well-being of older adults” (20). Research has found that elderly persons who enjoy an active sex life and intimate relationships report more life satisfaction than those who do not. The need to be touched, stroked, cuddled, and caressed is lifelong. Physical contact is as significant in persons age 70 and 80 as in infancy (21, p. 226–227). Human beings, regardless of age, have the same basic needs. When we remove the judgment of how we perceive elders, children and adolescents will move toward a more harmonious society as they age.

Emotional security and companionship have been found to be core elements to happiness in relationships (22, p. 257). Surprisingly, research has found that income has little to do with achieving happiness in relationships (23). Research has found that “people with stronger materialistic values reported more negative emotions and less relatedness, autonomy, competence, gratitude, and meaning

in life” (24, p. 521). When people are grateful they spend less time striving for things materialistic and more time leading a meaningful life and cultivating quality relationships, (25, p. 356). You may often find yourself in a “rut,” engaging in the same activities day after day with no change. This can also affect your level of happiness. Research has found that people with high trait curiosity had more frequent growth- oriented behaviors, and search for meaning and life satisfaction, (26, p. 159). People need to find personal joy, which may positively impact their relationships.

When people are happy they are more motivated to engage in kindness toward others (27). It’s a win-win relationship when you are happy with yourself because you have a better chance of choosing relationships that are more rewarding. When you are courageous enough to openly self-reflect and share those reflections with another, only then can you truly experience a deep relationship and empathically step into another’s shoes. There are two challenges in maintaining a soulful relationship—knowing your- self and knowing the deep richness in the soul of your partner. When you pay attention to your partner, you find yourself (28, p. 28). Sharing a deep sense of intimacy is the backbone of a healthy relationship.

What is intimacy? Being comfortable with our vulnerability describes intimacy in a nutshell. Intimacy is being in touch with the reality of another person and having a shared internal awareness (29).

In order to be comfortable with your vulnerability, you need to let go of fear of rejection, approval seeking, and expectations. “The only way to get acquainted with your snake pit so that you can begin to let go of hating it and learn to embrace and accept it is by –ever so gently and gradually—sharing it with another person” (30, p. 191). Once you can accept yourself you can swim gracefully into self-disclosing to the important people in your life. Self-disclosure is the core of experiencing intimacy. Intimate communication is a dance where both parties are engaged and connecting on various levels—verbal and nonverbal—experiencing each other through sensory stimuli and feeling the exchange of energy.

Taking what we have discussed thus far, how do you sustain the magic in your relationships? Can you accept the unpredictability, autonomy, and mystery in your relationships? Can you accept the unique- ness in each relationship? How wonderful it is that we have the ability to unglue each other from our past and unleash the disowned, unconscious self! Now you have the ingredients to embrace and experience a rewarding relationship with the many possibilities of enchantment and awe.