revise

Technical Description (text) Rubric

Does your description analyze its audience by

·      catering to a generalized audience? It's not too technical or complicated and caters to an introductory audience

·      consisting of either an object, a mechanism, and/or process? It is a mechanism and a process. This duality could work, but might need to be tightened with a greater focus on the process

Does the title indicate

·      the nature of the description? It tells the audience that it's Hookah, but nothing else

·      the scope of the description? nothing else is provided in the title

·      whether it’s a general or focused description? Clarify this

Does the introduction

·      answer the questions in table 20.1 (left-hand side for object/mechanism and right-hand side for process)? You do a good job of defining the product in the introduction, but then you stop there and don't address any of the other questions.

·      contain the scope of the description? You give the impression that it will be about hookahs, but don't clarify this

·      forecast the organization of the description? There is no forecast though and actually provide a false forecast by labeling the parts of the hookah in the second paragraph--this seems like it will be your focus

Does the body

·      provide appropriate detail? You have some good details throughout and you describe each section in discrete ways. However, the sections themselves are a bit short. You go back and forth between a mechanism and a process, which could work, but you need to clarify the sections of both and expand on them to make it successful

·      [for mechanism/object] choose an appropriate organizational strategy (e.g., spatial, functional, compare/contrast, etc.)?  You have organizational elements, but I think they are too short as I mentioned above. Consider a more thorough description of the mechanism and then a step-by-step description that uses causal relationships in the present tense for the process

·      [for process] use a step-by-step description that uses causal relationships and the present tense?

·      use third-person verb conjugations  You're doing fine on this step for sure

·      use headings or other appropriate organizational structures? You do have headings and this is good. But they aren't very clear and it seems like you could have a least one more (for the process section)

·      have paragraph elements such as:

o   body and transitional paragraphs good body paragraphs, but could use more transitional elements

o   topic sentences  The topic sentences are there, which is good, but they seem a bit too simplistic as is

o   supporting information You support your topics and guide the reader through each paragraph. However, some of the supporting information is a bit short in length. You spend a whole paragraph comparing cigarettes to hookah, which works, but it focuses a lot on the health of it. It's safe to assume that neither are healthy. Consider mentioning that both forms are dangerous to the user's health and then compare merely the process and mechanism part

o   appropriate paragraph lengths, divisions?  Sometimes the paragraphs are a bit too short

o   coherence devices like:

§  transitional words/phrases? You are using these effectively

§  key word repetition? You do a good job with this

§  demonstrative pronouns followed by nouns? No problems here

o   Listing elements? You have some lists in the process section. Make these stronger and allude to them more

·      Use good writing techniques and sentence structures like:

o   parallelism?

o   chapter 10’s advice?

o   analogies, metaphors, similes?

o   descriptive writing?

o   sensory details?

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