Letter of Advice

Running Head: REALITY FROM ILLUSION

Reality from Illusion

Your Name Here

COM 200

Professor Stiemke

August 4, 2013

Reality from Illusion

Dear Bob and Meggan,

An engagement for any couple can be considered an exciting and blissful milestone. It is also a time when a couple can truly begin to incorporate communication within their own relationship, as well as how they communicate with others. People have different perspectives, values, and traditions that will ultimately help define the new establishment between two people. Typically, couples have already developed their own self concept which has the ability to contribute to the relationship in a positive or negative aspect. Couples develop an illusion of their partner’s differences and do not take the time to understand the reality of the situation. Understanding all expressional elements is essential to ensure communication is implemented effectively to further enhance the relationship.

Learning Outcome #1: Couples have the ability to communicate effectively using the principles of communication, and neither individual is exempt from common misconceptions.

Researchers Paul Watzalawick, Janet Beavin, and Don D. Jackson created a model that focused on the principles of interpersonal communication. According to the communication model created by Watzalwick, Beavin, and Jackson (1967), it demonstrates how communication is expressed through all elements within a message and how it is applied to the people involved in the relationship. The model is designed to show the process where both parties in the relationship are a sender and receiver. Both perspectives of communication are considered in the model to help provide a better understanding on the principles in various relationships. Misconceptions in effective communication are also important to consider when communicating. According to Deborah Cameron’s The Myth of Mars and Venus: Do Men and Women Really Speak Different Languages, “the idea that men and women differ fundamentally in the way they use language to communicate is a myth in the everyday sense: a widespread but false belief” (Poole, 2007).

The model describes how “communication is ongoing, whenever we are in the presence of another person, communication is taking place” (Sole, 2011, p. 2.3). Communicating is inevitable and can be expressed verbally or nonverbally. The sender and receiver are both important in the communicating cycle. A person sends a message by a verbal or nonverbal expression and the other person receives the message based on the how the message is presented. The process of communication becomes a cycle because both people will continue to communicate with each other based on the initial approach.

If I were to communicate something to my husband with an attitude, he is going to respond to me with an attitude. If I communicate the same issue to my husband kindly, it is likely he will have a healthier reaction in his response. We both have the ability to effect how the other person communicates, creating a cycle of communication. The model depicts how each person will communicate for an ultimate resolution or outcome. Men and women in a relationship are both capable to communicate verbally and/or nonverbally. Effective or ineffective communication is not subjected to only a man or a woman. Cameron’s theory supports the diversity within communication for all types of cultures.

Considering your relationship, you both have the ability to make your own choices when presenting a message. One of the main principles is the language and approach when communicating. Each communicational decision will create an ongoing effect in the message intended. In regards to misconception, communication is not always easy and will require constant strengthening. People do not always understand what is being communicated and it can be easy to interpret the message different than the sender intended. Many people believe communication is always beneficial, but if it is not used effectively, communicating may not always be the best decision for a specific message at that time. For example, if one of you does not feel you can communicate something to your partner appropriately, it may be best to refrain from communicating at that time. You could reassess the situation at a later time to help prevent further issues, or choose a different way to communicate the message. Men and women are able to communicate effectively using the principles of communication, and neither individual is exempt from common misconceptions.

Learning Outcome #2: Self-concept is developed throughout an individual’s life, and couples have the ability to help maintain or change the concepts a person may have on themselves.

An Overview of Self-Concept Theory for Counselors describes how “the totality of a complex, organized, and dynamic system of learned beliefs, attitudes and opinions that each person holds to be true about his or her personal existence” (Purkey, 1988). In addition to the self-concept developed through life experiences, an individual can develop a different self-concept, or continue to maintain the concept previously cultivated. The Relationship between Marital Adjustment and Self-Concept for Married Individuals and Couples explains the importance of a significant other uplifting their mate and encouraging them to have a positive self-concept (Sharpley & Khan, 1982).

Several different elements of self-concept are “physical, academic, social, and transpersonal” (Purkey, 1998). A person may develop a concept of themselves based on their own personal vision. The way a person may look, dress, and other features of who they are can affect how they perceive themselves. A person develops their own opinion in regards to their intelligence, people skills, and how they believe others envision them. Life experiences and judgments of a person can contribute to the self-concept of an individual. When two people make the decision to spend their life together, they are not always aware that their significant other’s self-concept may need to be nurtured or maintained.

My husband learned I had several insecurities within myself. I had experienced different things than my husband and developed the need for acceptance. At times it was extremely difficult for my husband to understand because he grew up differently than I did. He believed I should have more self-esteem and see myself how he saw me. For many years he was frustrated with how I envisioned myself and did not realize I needed him to nurture my insecurities as well as myself. Eventually, my husband realized his support and constant reassurance gave me more confidence and self assurance. By him nurturing my self-concept, I was able to change my self-image and maintain a more positive perception of myself.

My advice to you both is to truly consider the other’s self perception and what you can do to help strengthen or maintain a positive self-image of your partner. Although a person establishes a self-concept based on life experiences and perception, it can always be changed. Self-concept is developed throughout an individual’s life, and interpersonal relationships have the ability to help maintain or change the concepts a person may have on themselves. If a person has a great self-concept of themselves, it would still need to be preserved as another relationship becomes part of their life. Self-concept can be fragile or strong depending on the person and their personal vision developed. If an individual commits to a relationship, the other person in the relationship could potentially help, strengthen, or weaken the concept their partner has on themselves.

Learning Outcome #3: Words used to communicate have the power to create and affect attitudes, behavior, and perception in a relationship.

An article in the Toronto Star describes how language can “lose its perceived neutrality, or at least some innocence and unselfconsciousness in its usage, it loses a lot of its power to communicate, to persuade; it is very difficult to discover common held ideals, revolutionary or not, when ordinary words are up for grabs” (Graham, 1993). Words used to communicate have the power to create and affect attitudes, behavior, and perception in a relationship.

The article from the Toronto Star focuses on how certain words are chosen in communicating. Those words have the power to determine how another person may interpret a message and react in response to that message. Communication is vulnerable and can be interpreted various ways. It can be difficult choosing appropriate words and language when communicating impulsively. It is easy to provide an opinion, thought, belief, or other expressions without thinking about how to approach the situation using specific dialogues. Words have power that can provide energy to a message. The reaction a person demonstrates is often based on the way the message was communicated. If a person chooses to speak with kind words, they will most likely receive kindness through words in return. If a person is judgmental or forceful with words, the receiver may become defensive and use the same type of words. The words used in your relationship can have an effect similar to the principles of communication and the cycle between the sender and receiver.

A word is simply a thought that is addressed verbally. The way one of you may think can have an impact on how you express your emotions, attitude, and behavior. Many people are familiar with the common saying, “think before you speak”. Learning to apply that concept could help your relationship when you express your thoughts through your words. If the two of you are in an argument and the desire is to come to a healthy resolution, choose positive words. Avoid using name calling, sarcasm, and disrespectful terminologies. Based on the article by Graham, words have the power to determine how a person will react to a message depicted based on how it is presented. A simple word can either be destructive or beneficial in your relationship. It can also have an effect on how both of you further respect and perceive each other.

Learning Outcome #4: Perceptions, emotions, and nonverbal expression are critical to understand because they all affect the quality of a relationship.

Emotions and nonverbal expressions are important to balance when trying to effectively provide insight and understanding when communicating. Referencing a study from the Family Expressiveness Questionnaire, couples who grew up in less family orientated environments expressed themselves differently than individuals that did not grow up in family environment. Couples were challenged to understand the reason their significant may demonstrate nonverbal behavior lack of emotions and different perceptions was because they grew up in a different environment. The study concluded that the way people show expressions in communicating is determined by the “emotional expressiveness of the family environment” (Halberstadt, 1986).

Halberstadt’s study suggests couples show emotions, nonverbal expressions, and their perceptions based on the environment they were part of during their upbringing. Her study focuses on a family environment, but not all people come from a family oriented home. The type of behavior a person has been subjected to may affect how they show their emotions and expressions to another individual. The differences in perceptions, emotions, and nonverbal expression can affect how messages are interpreted in a relationship. There are times the two of you may express feelings and emotions differently, which can be difficult when trying to sympathize or change.

Perceptions, emotions, and nonverbal expression are critical to understand because they all affect the quality of a relationship. It is important to understand you may have opposing ways to communicate. People need different reactions, responses, and feedback when communicating. If one of you deals with anger or a short fuse, it may be beneficial to approach a situation cautiously. The person dealing with the anger would also need to be cautious in how they expressed their anger. A person could choose to throw something or punch a wall to show nonverbal expressions of anger as an emotion, but it does not make the expression justified. Both of you need to consider the needs of the other individual when communicating and learn to better understand how to approach certain situations based on your strengths and weaknesses.

Learning Outcome #5: Finally, it is important to understand the impact gender and culture can have in a relationship.

Maria Yip Ling Cheung, DSW conducted a research and study amongst various cultures and genders. People have different “marital expectations, marital satisfaction, gender role expectations, acceptance, and views on commitment” (Cheung, 1999). Cheung recommends couples to be compatible in order to achieve a successful marriage. The compatibility could help ensure fairness. Considering changes in lifestyle or ideas can also accommodate both partners. If you share values and are willing to compromise, you are more likely to have a prosperous marriage.

Different cultures and genders have different expectations. Some cultures do not allow eye contact which could be considered nonverbal communication. Body gestures and how people interact can also be different. One of the most notable differences in gender characteristics were the views on intimacy. The characteristic of intimacy is important for marital satisfaction predominately for men. Couples who both shared interests in sexual intimacy, proved to be more successful in marriage. In situations where there is cultural or gender differences, it is important to try to understand how the differences are interpreted. Many times people try to create an illusion from reality because they do not want to believe the apparent differences of their significant other. It is important to realize, culture and gender contributes to a person and their self-perception.

Gender and culture provide diversity and unique differences in relationships, but it is important to understand certain values of the opposing culture or gender. Some beliefs and values require understanding and respect which is important to understand about the person chosen for marriage or a serious commitment. The needs and desires may be different for a man or women as well as another culture. In order to effectively communicate with your partner, it is most beneficial to have an open mind and consider the others’ values or views. If understanding, compromise, or changes cannot be considered initially, the relationship could be unfair or misleading.

Two people in a relationship will never be the same. Culture, gender, and differences in values can hinder a relationship or provide additional perspectives that can be applied to a life lived together. There are many principles and misinterpretations to communication. The way you both may communicate is first based on what you have already learned prior to your relationship. The self-concept a person has on themselves will also have a positive or challenging impact on the relationship.

People need reassurance and acceptance differently. Many times, culture and gender have the biggest effect on how a couple interact and how they intertwine their differences together. Attitude, behavior, and emotions have an impact on how situations or the other person is perceived. When choosing to spend eternity with a person, it is essential to understand all expressional elements to ensure communication is effectively implemented appropriately to further enhance the relationship. I wish you both the best of luck as you continue to grow and learn together in your journey. Remember, it is easy to create an illusion of the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with. In every illusion there is a reality. Focus on nurturing and strengthening the reality.

Sincerely,

(Your Name Here)

References

Cheung, M. (1999). Impact of gender and culture: Contributing factors to satisfactory long-term marriages. Retrieved from scholars.wlu.ca/etd/220/

Halberstadt, A. G. (1986). Family socialization of emotional expression and nonverbal

communication styles and skills. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 51(4),

827-836. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.51.4.827

Hugh Graham. (1993, Apr 17). Communicating with a vengeance simple words no longer just have meanings, they have messages. Toronto Star. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/436829228?accountid=32521

Poole, S. (2007, Oct 20). Review: Cultural studies: Gender agenda: The differences between men and women have little to do with speech, steven poole finds: The myth of mars and venus: Do men and women really speak different languages? by deborah cameron 196pp, oxford, pounds 10.99. The Guardian. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/246760005?accountid=32521

Purkey, W. (1988). An Overview of Self-Concept Theory for Counselors. ERIC Clearinghouse on Counseling and Personnel Services, Ann Arbor, Mich. (An ERIC/CAPS Digest: ED304630)

Sharpley, C. F., & Khan, J. A. (1982). The relationship between marital adjustment and self

concept for married individuals and couples. Individual Psychology: Journal Of Adlerian

Theory, Research & Practice, 38(1), 62-71.

Sole, K. (2011). Making Connections: Understanding Interpersonal Communication. San Diego, CA: Bridgepoint Education, Inc.