one page Reflection Journal and one page Log
fearless
chapter_1__2.docxChapter 1
About Mindfulness
Mindfulness means paying attention to our experiences without internal or external filters. It may seem simple, yet many of our experiences consist of ruminating about the past and thinking about the future. Our experiences are made up of habitual thoughts and emotions, which curtail seeing our lives with a fresh outlook; consequently, we miss what is happening now! How would life be different if we got off that rollercoaster and began to live a more mindful life? The never-ending search for satisfaction will end only when we take the time to Stop, Breathe, and Listen to our thoughts, emotions, body, and senses. When we are mindful, we are paying attention. That's it! How can living mindfully impact your life? Living mindfully opens up the opportunity to be a non-judgmental witness to our present experience. The result is choice. When we pay attention to our experience, we have a choice to do something or do nothing. Trying out new experiences with the mind of a child, without thinking about the past or future, contributes to the magic of moment-to-moment experiences. We have the privilege of accepting each experience that life grants us, whether or not it elicits positive or negative thoughts and emotions. One thing we can be assured of at all times is that the experience is ours and only we have the power to choose what to do with it.
Your Mindfulness Workbook
This guide was created to offer you a simple tool to apply mindfulness to each and every experience. Its intent is to guide you in applying mindfulness to your entire life. Although we may strive to be present for our experiences, more often than not, we become distracted and do not pay attention. If one area of your life is not in balance, it affects the rest and impacts your overall life harmony. In developing a mindfulness practice, you nurture your curiosity and creativity by noticing and embracing the nuances in your habits and relationships. As you read your workbook and experience the activities, observing your breath, body, senses, emotions, and thoughts, your mindfulness practice will expand and develop with your personal signature. As you complete the mindful living activities and the reflection journal at the end of each chapter, you will reflect upon your experience using the Four-Step MAC Guide of 1) empathically acknowledging, 2) intentionally paying attention, 3) accepting without judgment, and 4) willingly choosing your experience.
Learning the four steps is like riding a bike. First, you understand how the mechanism of the bike works. Then you practice. You fall, get back on and have moments of riding smoothly. Ultimately, you ride the bike without even thinking about it. You have integrated how it works, and mastered your own skill of riding your bike as if you have been doing it all your life. The same is true in mastering the Four Step MAC Guide. As you familiarize yourself with the Four Step MAC Guide, you will first become aware of mindfully attending to your experiences. Next, you will practice the steps and finally you will integrate the guide into your daily experiences without thinking about it. When you MAC your experiences and begin to experience a mindful life, you are more focused and better able to make informed decisions.
Mindless Eating
Think about your daily routine of eating lunch or dinner. You may prepare fresh food, microwave something, or eat take-out. Before the food actually gets to the table, you might be doing other things instead of focusing on the meal. When you finally get to eat, you may be in a hurry—reading or talking, and not chewing your food well. Some people actually stand or even walk while eating! We become used to this pattern of behavior and are often not aware of what we are doing.
Mindful Eating
You have your food before you, regardless of how it is prepared. You arrange a nice setting for yourself at the table, then sit down and view the food with your eyes. Next you smell the food and slowly begin to take small bites. You are aware of the various tastes in your mouth. You chew your food slowly, taking your time until it is almost liquefied (which, by the way, stimulates your digestive enzymes). Continuing to eat slowly, you notice the various experiences you have during the meal, including hunger, thirst, and body temperature. You may also be aware of your breath.
You might be saying to yourself, “Who eats that way anyway? Most people don’t have the time to be so focused.” This may be true, yet I am proposing a new way of approaching events in your life so that you are fully “in the moment” with each experience you encounter, no matter how small or big. After all, you are the creator and central character in all of your experiences, so why not indulge yourself in them to the fullest?
Mindful living is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Each and every activity you mindfully engage in contains the ingredients of acknowledging, paying attention to, accepting without judgment, and choosing your experience with a novel and fresh perspective. Even uncomfortable moments are valuable to us, because they help us grow and make changes that better suit our lives. Repressing and avoiding uncomfortable experiences limit us and take up unnecessary space in our lives. We give those thoughts and emotions, which are attached to those experiences, permission to haunt us over and over again.
Anything from brushing your teeth to creating something spectacular can be experienced fully. When you live mindfully, you are fully engaged in all of your experiences—big, little, dull, and exciting. Why take the shortcut and enjoy only small bites of your life instead of embracing it all?
In theory, this may sound easy, but in our busy lives it can be most difficult to sustain. We are entrenched in our habits of unawareness and being on autopilot. As a result, we lose many magic moments by seeing our world almost as if the past, present, and future were all one experience. In some respects, we have thrown the baby out with the bath water with the advancement of technology, automation, television, Internet, and smart phones that keep us in high gear and moving so fast that those precious moments of our lives escape us.
The most important experiences in our lives occur in our relationships with friends, family, teachers, and other significant people. For the rest of our lives, our development is impacted by the people who raised us. Let’s take a moment and reflect upon mindful relationships.
Mindful Relationships
From the moment we are born, our perceptions of the world around us are shaped by the interactions of the significant people in our lives. When children develop secure attachments, as adults they are less likely to seek out others to meet their unmet needs. Research has found that children who are raised with caregivers who are attentive and accepting develop enhanced reflective and regulative skills. This ability to pay attention is the road to developing a mindful life.2 The endless search for “secure attachment” prevents us from accepting our present experience. How, then, as adults do we end this search?
Research has found that when couples are mindful, they are able to deal with conflictual discussion with lower anxiety and anger-hostility.3 When we accept ourselves without judgment, we are better able to accept others without judgment.
“Mindfulness is bringing attention to your present experience without judgment on purpose. It is a state in which you not only have experiences, but you are also able to observe the ongoing contents of your experiences without interference.”4
—Maria Napoli
The greatest gift we can have when we live mindfully is the capacity for compassion and empathy. When we accept our own joy and suffering, we are better able to accept them in others. Through our acceptance of our experiences, we carve out the path for happiness. How we show up for our experience will determine the outcome. The more time you spend accepting your moment-to-moment experience without judgment, the greater is the field for genuine happiness. When we are not stuck in the past or ruminating about the future, we have more time to enjoy what is happening now. We can embrace the “emptiness” of our minds while we are immersed in whatever experience presents itself. After all, what else is there but this very moment?
The following story about the fisherman and businessman will give you some food for thought about mindfully living in the moment and deciding what is important in life.
The Fisherman and the Businessman
A successful business tycoon was visiting a small island, where he met a local fisherman. He watched the fisherman go out in the morning in his small boat, bringing back his daily catch early in the afternoon. The businessman said to the fisherman, “What will you do with the rest of your day?” The fisherman responded, “I’ll have my lunch, play with my children, make love to my wife, and spend some time at the local store playing dominoes with my friends. In the evening, I spend time with my family and then begin my day again.” The businessman said, “There are a lot of fish in the water; you can get a bigger boat and catch more fish. You can even buy more boats and ship the fish out to other places and have your own manufacturing company, maybe have a large corporation, go on the stock market and make millions.” The fisherman asked, “What would I gain by doing this?” The businessman responded, “You could retire and have a good life, fish in the morning, spend time with your children and wife, and have time to be with your friends.”
Thinking about this story, we begin to realize that the best moments in life are our simple enjoyments, not thinking ahead of where we can be, but to be fully present to experience your life as it happens. “When one lives mindfully, the opportunity for self-acceptance increases.”4 Through your journey in your workbook, you will begin to pay attention to the experiences in your life. Let’s face it—you are worth it!
Chapter 2
FOUR STEP MAC GUIDE
1. Empathically acknowledge experience just as it is—Breath
2. Intentionally pay attention to instincts body, thoughts, senses, and emotions—Breathe
3. Accept experience without judgment or expectations—Breathe
4. Choose how you show up for your experience—Breathe
Empathic Acknowledgment
We are having experiences every moment of our lives. When those experiences are uncomfortable, we may want to wish them away. We may rationalize, deny, repress, or avoid what has occurred, yet the emotions attached to that experience remain, only to rear their heads at another unexpected time. Taking a moment to breathe and empathically acknowledge our experience, offers us the gift of being a more objective witness to the experience. Allowing ourselves to empathically acknowledge not only the core elements of our experience, but also the nuances can be invigorating.
Acknowledging our experience just as it is without trying to change anything is the first step toward mindfulness. It is what it is; nothing more, nothing less. Empathic acknowledgment of our own and other’s experiences can increase our ability to feel connected to the emotions attached to those experiences. Theorists note that empathy is the very basis of all human interaction,1 and when we are empathetic, we enter the private, perceptual world of the other.2 According to H. Spiro, “When families and therapists are able to focus on one another and share their thoughts without being distracted, they are able to put themselves in one another’s shoes and can be more easily available to regulate emotions and accept their differences.”3 Empathic listening is diminished when a person is unable to focus on what’s happening in that moment. Taking the time to acknowledge one another face-to-face occurs less frequently and can result in negative thinking and emotions such as blame, anger, and resentment. Holding onto to those feelings ultimately influences future experiences. When you are able to “put yourself in another’s shoes,” you open yourself to your own pain with acceptance versus rejection and demonstrate a heartfelt tenderness toward yourself and others.
Let’s follow the story of Nancy and Jose, who have been childhood friends for many years. They are about to enter college. Nancy is an artist and Jose is an engineering student. They planned to attend the same college and continue their friendship while sharing new experiences. Jose was accepted to a top-tier college for engineering with a full scholarship and decided to take the offer. Nancy, on the other hand, decided to attend their original-choice college. She was upset and felt rejected by Jose for changing their life-long plans and avoided seeing and calling him.
If Nancy acknowledged that she was upset she might not have felt the need to avoid Jose. She might also have been better able to understand Jose’s situation and notice how he was feeling. As a result, she might not have felt rejected. Furthermore, if Nancy allowed herself to experience the same situation as an observer of both herself and Jose, she would be more likely to empathically acknowledge the situation and maybe even feel Jose’s joy.
This story is simple yet powerful. When we can empathically recognize each other’s pain and joy, we are more likely to experience intimacy in our relationships.
Intentional Attention
Paying attention in today’s busy world can be a challenge. Balancing priorities among family and friends, work, personal, health, and intellectual and spiritual time can truly become a juggling act. We experience approximately one interruption every eight minutes or six to seven per hour. In an eight-hour period that amounts to about 50 to 60 interruptions a day.6 Sometimes we are caught in routines, thinking patterns, and ways of behaving that served us at one time and are no longer useful today. When we neglect any one area—never mind two or three—we throw our balance off, setting us up for failure or stress.
If we are overstimulated and overloaded with thoughts, many of them negative, we find ourselves in a mindless state of being unware of “what’s happening in the moment.” We continually receive messages from our senses (hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, and tasting); from our bodies (physical sensations and body temperature, hunger, and thirst); and our instincts, yet we simply do not notice what is being communicated. When we were babies, our ability to communicate without language was quite effective. We learned to fine-tune our senses and body language to inform those caring for us of what we needed, when, and how much. To our amazement, those caring for us learned to pay attention to and understand our nonverbal messages as we expressed them in sound, pitch, length of cries, grunts, and body language. Imagine how intentional our attention can be if we continue to develop our nonverbal communication while adding language!
When we stop and observe, looking at our own lives, we begin to see that our instincts and “gut feelings” are always communicating, yet we frequently do not listen to them, which keeps us stuck and causes us to resort to the same old patterns. All of us have at one time said, “If I had only listened to my instincts!” One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself to enhance the quality and enjoyment in your life is to deeply respect, listen, and pay attention to yourself.
Nonjudgmental Acceptance
Attitude is everything. Too often we are locked into hours of “should and have to” and become stuck in the past or ruminate about the future, which prevents us from embracing the moment. We are often our own worst enemy, placing pressure on ourselves to do better, make more money, please others more, and even judge ourselves relentlessly. Remember, these are lessons, not mistakes. We are all perfect in our imperfections. Letting go of judgments of others and ourselves is probably the most difficult step in living mindfully because we hold onto to these negative beliefs about others and ourselves. We judge our actions, thoughts, and behaviors; we live in yesterday and worry about tomorrow. When we let go of judgments, we can add years of joy and quality to our lives. Some say that time is money; once we lose it and use it up it’s gone; we cannot go back and retrieve those ;moments that were drowned in negativity.
This story of John and Ann illustrates the point.
John recently married Ann. He was used to eating breakfast alone, usually coffee and a cookie, and waiting until the last minute to get ready for work. Ann, on the other hand, felt that eating a nutritious breakfast was an important meal that offered her the fuel she needed to begin her day. One morning, John decided to get up 15 minutes earlier and sit with Ann for a nutritious breakfast instead of running out the door at the last minute. After doing so, he realized that he had more energy and did not reach for his daily mid-morning doughnut and coffee. John accepted his experience without judgment. He saw that getting up was not deprivation but rather an enjoyment and surprisingly satisfying. He was able to eat a nutritious meal, eliminate the desire for the mid-morning sugar rush, and spend time with Ann planning the day’s events.
It is not east to keep a positive, open, and non-judgmental attitude in a world that is filled with violence, hunger, pollution and greed. We cannot solve the world’s problems, yet we can begin with ourselves to make a difference. To maintain harmony in our lives, we sometimes need guides to remind us to keep it simple. Use the following guides without judgment to help you develop the opportunities for personal self-reflection and unfold the unknown on your daily journey through life.
Having expectations about another can lead to rejection and a judgmental attitude. Being mindful may decrease the tendency to take on another’s negative emotions.11 When one is mindful, there is a willingness to accept emotions and actively experience the bodily sensations, emotions, thoughts, and memories attached to them—not to control or minimize them.12 Social Worker C. Kessen writes, “When families are mindful they can experience each other in new ways, thus moving away from routine and boredom and fixed ways of viewing their relationship with family members, and develop new and exciting ways to be in the relationships.”13 When we approach our experiences without expectation, we are more likely to accept the experience without judgment. When we eliminate judgment, we can stop the mindless monster that criticizes and perpetuates negative thinking and behavior that keep us stuck in old thinking and behavior patterns.
Mindful Living
At the end of this chapter, write in your Mindful Journal.
For one week, bring your attention to judging and critical thinking, behavior, and emotions. Take some time to journal about those experiences. Accept your awareness of yourself; simply notice what feelings arise following your reflection.
Willing Choose
When you consciously make a choice, change occurs. You can then turn inward to see who you are and who you can become. A key element to moving forward is forgiving others and ourselves. The willingness to forgive and be forgiven was found to be one of ten positive elements in couples married for more than 20 years.17 Forgiveness helps one to accept the pain related to the situation, making one less likely to react, better able understand their own suffering, and more likely to communicate that experience to the person involved in the event.18 “When individuals are mindful they are able to witness their moods and triggers, hence, gaining insight regarding the connections between situations, thoughts and emotions.”19 Making a decision to choose and taking specific actions toward implementing that choice are the benefits of applying mindfulness to situations. Knowing that we are all perfect in our imperfections as humans is essential. Letting go of expectations of others and ourselves while embracing the experiences that have colored our lives is an impetus to move forward.
Keep in mind that change opens up a new space in our lives. This can be viewed as comforting or challenging. As we have discussed previously, when we are mindless and stuck in old behaviors that are uncomfortable, they nevertheless provide familiarity. When we are mindful, we are able to experience the newness of experiences and view those experiences from many perspectives. Opening the door to change liberates us from the past. Living a mindful life facilitates making decisions and taking action to create change.
