5-6 Page English Paper (details in Attachement) for A-Plus Writer

Sex. Lies and Conversation; Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other?

by Deborah Tannen

The Washington Post, Jnne 24, 1990

I WAS ADDRESSING a small gathering in a suburban Virginia living room .- a women's group that had invited men to join them. Throughollt the evening, one man had been particularly talkative, frequently offering ideas and anecdotes, while his wife sat silently beside him on the couch. Toward the end of the evening, I commented that women frequently complain that their husbands don't talk to them. This man quickly concurred. He gestlued toward his wife and said, "She's the talker in our family." The room burst into laughter; the mall looked puzzled and hurt. "It's true," he explained. "\Vhen ] come home from work I have nothing 10 say. Ifshe didn't keep the conversation going, we'd spend the whole evening in silence."

This episode crystallizes the irony that al!JJ.w.&~.!s.an Illen tend to talk m~an women in pJl!>lic _siluation~ofteJJJll!k..less..aLhllllll'- A~this pattern ~~£'9.!!&-havoc with lllalTia~

The pattem was observed by political scientist Andrew Hacker in the late '70s_ Sociologist Catherine Kohler Ricssman reports in her new book "Divorce Talk" that most of the womcn she interviewed n but only II few orthe men -- gave lack of communicati 011 as the reason for their divorces. Given the current divorce ratc of ncarly 50 percent, that amounts to millions of cases in the United States every year u a virtual epidemic of failed conversation.

In my own research, c.QmP.1aiJili..f.r0m WOJl1e~l abo.lliJh~irJl!!~\:HWs.!§..m9_SJ.Q.n~r.L[9.~1!.~~Q.llQ.tOll.taJlgj_bJe j~.s~~~~_1..E~~!~!EII1E.~li-an~-lQLlU:Mlli1Q..~~Qmp.~Dy_,th!!.?~_~!!.9...!9 ..~~i~!_oE_~o)ng (arJIlPre tlla n ! l,e irsbi!!JUl.fJieiJ_Y.-lifr~1!P.Q.9.!1.\\'.9!l< Jikl:.ell; ming, J;QQ.king,._s.o£i~ljjrr~I!&£!)lents 'l.11d..efLam!l.JllsJead, they ro.£~<LQns2_!E!~!"tl~~J!.Q)l: "1:!£.QQ.~:tIil.l~UJQJ!le," "1:!!'._<iQl:.~u1.l<l.l!iJQJJK," I round, as Hacker observed years before, that n:~~~~.~_~~~!!Lthekhll§l>!!..~~~ be!.D.~~ and fO:~~!~2§ll.fQDy'~I~~'!Ji(mill partllers, but rew husbands share this eXJ?~QIL91~vives_-- ----- In shorl, the image that best represents the current crisis is the stereotypical cartoon scene ora man silling al the breakfast table with a newspaper held up in front of his face, while a woman glares at the back or it, wanting (0 talk. Linguistic Battle of the Sexes

How can women and men have such different impressions of communicatipn in !!1!!!~.8~? \Vhy the widespread imbalance in their interests and expectations?

In the April issue or American Psychologist, Stanford University's Eleanor Maccoby repons the results or her owu and others' research sh~gJhllLcltild[t:u~elop_mClltis most iQ~IUly.!]lesocial struetur~ o!.,E,cer interactio~. Boys and girls tend to play with chi~drcn of their OWE gender, and their sex·separate groups have dirrerent organizational structures and interactive norms.- ----- I believe these systematic differences in childhood socialization make talk between women and men like cro~~~tllral commulllcat,on, 11m to.lI the attraction andJl,t1arrSOilliat enticlll& hut din}cult enterprise. MY research on men's and women's conversations uncovered pauems similar to those described for children's groups_

For women, as for girls, intimacy is the fabric of relatioJlshigs.. and talk is the thread from which it is wov.e.n. I..:ittle ~s create and maintain friendships by exchanging~!ets; similarly, women reg;gd c~lVel'sation as t le comerstone of friendj.hiP-.. ~o a woman ex~ects her hllsband to be a new and improv_ed version of a best friend. What is impOt1ant is not the individu; subjects that are discussed but the sense of c~ness, of a life shared, that emerges when people tell their thoughts, feelings, and impressions.

Bonds .Q~.:~_~~~,~££.~~_~!ten~~~.:l~:,-b~~.~le.X are ba~.<i.!m.~~..!.~~i!~ILrn?!"_9.IUl.oiDgJhing~ tpgethe!. S!!l£e. theY..99.n'tM~Jlle..li!.lkjs.l.b.s:.£!,I.~'!'.!'UJ}i!L\1inds,a.rela.tlon;hiP •.~lU!.QJ1~L1<J:JQ~Y..l\'bat kin,d. of t~~~~omen want, and~~y..c.!on't n~~.~:.i!~~~~e.

B.Qys':"g~~~.r~1J!!l!!:..E'£!."_ inc1u~::'.",- !!.ll.d..']]9.!d~~rar.I;:hi."-"-', so b0J',~:':'l!~.~n~jtg~,~'UlY,old.Jh.e ~~~Eosition in the group. This may playa role in women's complaints t11a1 men don't listen to them. Some men really don't like to listen, because being the listener makes them feel one·down, like a child listening to adults or an employee to a boss.

But often when women tell men, "You aren't listening," and the men protest, "I am," the men are right. The impression of 110t listening results from misaligrunents in the mechanics of conversation. The misalignment begins as soon as a man and a woman take physical positions. This became clear when I studied videotapes made by psychologist Bmce Dorval of children and adults talking t~j!E.me,1!'x besLfd~Jld.s.ljmU)d that at every age, the-&irls and WOnKll.ff!.c~gSiLCJj other dire~.!!Y-L.0.~~~1.~~.~.~_9.!l.each~1~~~J1!.~~es. J\L~Y.~g.':e.t.h.':J?.qYl_'!D!!J])S1U;;l!.&~l1g!~,!J)s<;lLQtlleL~!!91'!.0ke~-'~ewl!el!",il!!l~!"-,,,om, p~rio,di£~Uy

,~ancin~~!...~~!h~!. T~~y_~g~.Q.gxiQ..lJ§J.yjllt1!"l]~gJ~a.s:h other,_.Q!k!!.nli1I9lingJ~~5;lL9ther~..!EEven.l-c~~.

D~~he tendency oTmen to face awaX.~~~.-0:=..~v_q~!~ the i~E~~~s.~}.9!1J!l~~_ ~E.~~! lis!.-~.n.i.!m_~y~n_wJ1Ql.1_g1el'. a.E..S.A young woman in coIlege was frustrated: Whenever she told her boyfriend she wanted to talk to him, he would lie down on the floor, close his eyes, and put his arm over his face. This signaled to her, "He's taking a nap." BUI he insisted he was listening extra hard, Nomlally, he looks around the room, so he is easily distracted. Lying down and covering his eyes helped him concentrate on what she was saying.

Analogous to the physical alignment that women and men take in conversation is their topical aliglUllent. TI}~irls in my study tended to talk at length about one topic. b)lt the bo);:s tended to jump from topic to topic. The j!"S:on<i:grade.&t:!?_ exchanged stories about people they knew. The ~econd·grade boys teased. told jokes, noticed things in the room and talked abollt finding games to play. The.E2<th-gra~js talked about problems with a mutual friend. The .~th grade boys talked about 55 different topics, none of which extended over more than a few turns, Listening to Body Language

Switching topics is another habit that gives women the impression men aren't listening, especially if they switch to a topic about themselves. But the evidence of the IOth:llli!s!.e..Q9.)'.,J!!.!l')'. stlld.y_indicates otherwise. The IOth·grade boys sprawled across their chairs with bodies parallel and eyes straight ahead. rarely looking at each other. They looked as if they were riding in a car, staring out the windshield. But they were talking about their feelings. One boy was lIpset because a girl had told him he had a drinking problem. and the other was feeling alienated from all his friends.

Now, whenl' girl told a friend about a problem. the friend resp£!lded by askilll!-ob\lliLgll.!",tions a!ld expressing agreemenLgnd understanding. But the boys dismissed ea<;:~r's pro~~~s. Todd assured Richard that his drinking was "no big problem" because "sometimes you're funny when you're off your butt." And when Todd said he felt left alit, Richard responded. "Why should you? YOli know more people than me. 1I

\Vomen perceive such responses as belittling and unsupportivc. But the boys seemed satisfied with them. \Vhereas women reassure each other ~Y implying, "You shouldn't feel b'!.9. becaus~e~~ar e~criences," men do so by implYWkYoll shouldn't feci bad because.Y..9_urprQ§lems aren't so bad."

There are even simpler reasons for women's impression that men don't listen. Linguist Lynette Hirschman found that women make marc listener-noise, such as "01hm," "uhuh," and "yea h," to show ''I'm with you." !'1en, she found, more often give silent attention. W.omen who expect a stream of listener noise~~et silent attention as no attention at all.

\Y.Q,men's conversational habits are as frustrating to men as men's are to women. Men who expect silent attention interpret a stream of listener noise as overreaction or impatience. Also, when women talk to each other in a close, comfortable setting, they often overlap, finish each other's sentences and anticipate what

the other is about to say. This practice. which I call "panicipatory listenership:' is often perceived by men as intelTIlption. intrusion and lack of attention.

A parallel difference caused a man to complain about his wife, "She just wants to talk about her own point of view. Iff show her another view, she gets mad at me. It When most women talk to each other, they assume a conversationalist's job is to express agreement and support. But many men see their conversational duty as pointing out the other side of an argument. This is heard as disloyalty by women, and refusal to offer the requisite support. It is not that women don't want to see other points of view, but that they prefer them phrased as suggestions and inquiries rather than as direct challenges,

In his book "Fighting for Life," Walter Ong points out Ihat men use "agonistic" of warlike, o~p..Q.titipllal (QImal.t to do alrnost anything; thus discussion becomes debate. 31ld conversation a competitive sport. In contrast, women see conversation as a ritual means of establishing rapport. If Jane tells a problem and June says she has a similar one, they walk away feeling closer to each otber. But this attempl al establishing rapport can backfire when used with men. Men take too literally women's ritual "troubles talk," just as women mistake men's ritual challenges for real attack. [See box.] The Sounds of Silence

These differences begin to clarify why womelund men-hav.e.suclu!j[f£f."!l!.!::~pe~!fI_ti~~~.!''p'~1 c..ol11l11unication in malTiage. For women, talk creates inti mac.):'. Marriage is an orgy of closeness: you can tell your feehngs and thoughts, and still be loved. Their greatest fear is being pushed away. But_men live in a hierarchical world, where talk maintains independence and status. They are on guard to protect i1iemselves·Tnjin bC1I1g~wn and pushed aroun3: -

This explains the paradox oflhe talkative man who said of his silent wife, tlShe's the talker. lI In the public setting of a guest leclure, he fe It challenged to sholl' his intelligence and display his understanding of the lecture. But at home, where he has nothing to prove and no one to defend against, he is free to remain silent. par his wife, being home means she is free from the worry that something she says might offend someonc, or spark disagrecment, or appear to be showing off; at home she is free to talk.

T~alion problems that eilltilJ~ilIf~tit be fixed bYlJll*..I:ill~ngineeri~. IhkY re uire a new conceptual framework about the role of lalk in human relationships. Many of Ihe psychologica explanallons that have become second nature ;nay not be helpful, because Ihey lend to blame either women (for not being assertive enough) or men (for not being in touch with their feelings). A sociolinguistic approach by which male·female conversation is seen as cross-cultural conununicatioll allows liS to understand lhe problem and forge solutions without blaming either party.

Once Ihe problem is understood, imp.royement cQmes~IUUllIa11.)!. as it did to the young woman and her boyfriend who seemed to go to sleep when she wanted to talk. Previously. she had accused him of not listening, and he had refused to change his behavior, since that would be admitting fault. But then she learned about and explained to him the differences in women's and men's habitual ways of aligning lhemselves in conversation, The next time she told him she wanted to talk, he began. as usual, by lying down and covering his eyes. \Vhen the familiar negative reaction bubbled up. she reassured herself that he really was listening. But then he sat up and looked at her. Thrilled, she asked why. He said, "You like me to look al you when we talk, so I'll try to do it." Once he saw their differences as cross-eullural ralher Ihan righl and wrong, he independenlly altered his behavior.

\Volllen who feel abandoned and deprived when their husbands won't listen to or report daily news may be happy to discover Iheir husbands trying 10 adapt once they understand Ihe place of smaillaik in women's .relalionships. But if their husbands don't adapt, Ihe women may still be comforted Ihat for men, this is not a failure of intimacy. Accepting the difference, the wives may look to their friends or family for that kind of talk, And husbands who can't provide it shouldn't feel their wives have made unreasonable demands. Some couples will still decide to divorce, but at least their decisions will be based on realistic expectations.

In these times of resurgent ethnic connicts, the world desperately needs cross-cullUraIunderstanding. Like charity, successful cross-cultural communication should begin at home.

Deborah Tannen, professor ofliuguistics at Georgetown University, is the author of "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," published this month by William Morrow.