victim vs victor

Most people assume that they become a victim as the result of someone doing something to them. At the same time, many of these same people confuse being a victim with being victimized. What happens to you does not make you a victim. If someone physically abuses you, it is not what was done to you that made you the victim, it is the way you thought about what happened that made you into the victim. Or, to say it another way, what you chose to think about the experience of being victimized, that is what will determine whether you are a victim or a victor.

Some victims see themselves as having worked very hard to become a survivor. They often talk about, being a survivor of abuse/rape/molest. What does the word “survivor” bring up for you? Someone who has been washed up on the beach after a terrible storm where all was lost? Is the word survivor connected more with victim or victor? People tend to see victims as poor, unfortunate individuals who have experienced trauma in their lives. Survivors of trauma are people who deserve your sympathy. They are people to feel sorry for. Which one are you choosing to be, victor or victim?

There are two ways in which you can be victimized, one external and one internal. External is when something happens to you. You can blame your victim status on what happened to you. Second: It is your own powerless-victim thinking that is creating your victim status. You may not see yourself as a victim because you have not been victimized by external forces, but as a victim, you have lowered your personal power, your potential – your EQ. This second way is often more destructive because you do not recognize that the way you feel is because you have victimized yourself by the way you think.

For example, have you ever had something just suck the joy right out of your life? Or, have you ever had someone (including yourself) suck the joy right out of your life? If someone, something, or your own thinking can do it to you, then you are a victim. When you are a victim and “the somethings” and “the someones” in this world have the power over you. The result is that you are powerless, you are at their mercy (you poor thing).

The alternative is to accept that where you are is where you are, until you are willing to change. The first step to changing requires an awareness of what your powerless-thoughts are, so that you can change them.

“When we reject who we are,

We force ourselves to live with a person we consider unworthy.

Or, more miserable yet, a person we hate.”

John Powell

To check to see if you are a victim, see if you have made any of these statements at some time in your life. Each one of these statements is a victim’s statement. Check to see how many fit for you. Be honest; you cannot change from victim to victor unless you are willing to tell the truth.

Next, listen for your defensive response. Many of your defensive responses will begin with a “but” or a “because.” For instance: “You make me anxious because you are always talking.” Or “I am not loveable, because my breasts are not large enough.” Or, “You made me hit you, but it was because of the way you acted.” The “But’s and Becauese’s” are your excuses for continuing your victim thinking. It gives your behavior a reason to exist. “Give something a reason to exist and it will persist.” With each of these statements, it would be easy to add a “but or because” to justify your behaviors. Don’t Do It! Now, read each statement carefully considering whether or not it fits for you.

· You and/or people are making me anxious. (because I was born anxious)

I have no choice. (because I was pregnant)

You have my heart in your hands! (because you have all the power)

I can’t live without you! (because I am not complete without you)

If I want a job done right, I have to do it myself. (etc. etc. etc.)

I just don’t know what I did for God to punish me like this!!

I just know the devil is at work in my life!

I’m not loveable.

I’m not pretty, smart, rich, etc. enough to go out with .....

People I am close to often say hurtful things to me.

I’m not smart enough to go out with a doctor or lawyer. They are out of my league.

Men/women just don’t like or accept who I am (I’m too different).

If he/she loved me, they would change and do things the way I want them.

You made me do it.

I can’t stand to be wrong. I always have to prove I’m not wrong.

People I’m close to try to control me.

I’m not a negative person; I’m a realist.

Nobody needs/wants me.

This is too much for me to handle.

I cannot stand to be hurt this way again.

I just don’t have the time to do what you want me to do. (It’s times fault.)

Nobody loves me.

That’s just the way I am. I can’t help it.

If you would behave, I wouldn’t have to yell at you.

You made me hit you.

Have you ever heard yourself say any of these? Almost everyone uses victim talk from time to time, and are not aware of how they create the illusion of powerlessness in their lives. Many people will resist the concept of being a victim. If you find yourself using excuses for your beliefs that start with because or but, you are a victim. Being a victim is not necessarily a bad thing if you know that you are the one choosing to be the victim. If it’s your choice, then you can change it.

Awareness per se –

By and of itself –

Can be curative.

Fritz Perls

All behavior has purpose. Therefore, what is the purpose of seeing yourself as a victim? I put this question on my Facebook, and here are some of the responses I got:

· “Mine was to get attention. Poor me syndrome, a.k.a., I’m here, look at me…”

· “My purpose was to feel better about myself and my life. Seems crazy now that I say it.”

· “Being a victim for me was a way to stay angry at others and not be angry at myself and not have to change.”

· “It was the way I excused myself from being responsible. (because) If my father hadn’t molested me, I would have been a better person. Everything I did wrong was because he molested me and made me a bad girl.”

· “It’s a way of getting attention. I get to blame my problems on others, so that I don’t have to change.”

· “By allowing myself to be the victim, I never had to speak up or defend myself. It allowed me to justify my passive-aggressive behaviors.”

· “My victim status was the only way I knew how to feel semi-safe. To not be the victim meant physical and emotional danger. It was the only way I knew how to keep my children safe, which never worked…”

· “As a victim, I saw myself as being spiritual and better than all the hypocrites that I saw around me. I never got angry.”

· “It is more socially acceptable to be a victim than to be assertive.”

What is your purpose of being a victim? If you cannot think of any good reason to be a victim, maybe today is your day to start changing.

Few people can be a victim all the time. There are no absolutes and that is absolute! Once in a while, you screwed up and have not been a victim. Just become aware of when you are using victim statements, that is the place to start. Awareness in and by itself is curative. You cannot change what you are not aware of.

There is an alternative way of living that is not being a victim. Compare victim to the word victor. Victims feel like victims, because they are. Victors feel like winners, champions and conquerors, because they are. Victors are also assertive. They set their own boundaries and enforce them. Which would you like to see yourself as, victim or victor? The first step in changing is to recognize and accept that you are viewing yourself as a victim. Change starts with accepting that where you are at, is where you are at (for now).

Accepting, means you are really willing to accept that you are a victim, and it’s OK. Not good or bad, just OK. And, you will do whatever is necessary to change from victim to victor. Are you really willing to accept your victim status (for now)? If so, the next step is to tell three people each day that you are choosing to be a victim and that you will continue to be a victim, until you want to change. . . . Wait a minute, did not I hear you say that you were willing to do whatever was necessary to become a victor?

“Most of us feel that others will not tolerate such emotional honesty and communication.

We would rather defend our dishonesty on the grounds it might hurt others;

And, having rationalized our phoniness into nobility,

We settle for superficial relationships.”

John Powell

The rationale for telling three people each day that you are a victim is so that you will get to experience embarrassment. Embarrassment is good. (Shame, Guilt and Humiliation are bad). Have you ever walked into the wrong bathroom? How did you feel? Hopefully, it was embarrassment. Once you have experienced embarrassment, you will look twice before entering the next public restroom. By sharing your embarrassment, you will strengthen your awareness and not make the same mistake again. By sharing the embarrassment of your “victim talk” with others, you will think twice before using your victim talk.

To tell you my thoughts is to locate myself in a category.

To tell you my emotions, is to tell you about me.”

John Powell

The next step is to make a list of all your victim statements and place them on the left side of a two column paper. Across from each statement, write a statement that is the opposite and that is a rebuttal. Each time you become aware of a victim statement, stop and replace it with the rebuttal statement. For example:

· “I choose to make myself anxious when I am in some situations.”

· “I have a lot of choices; I just don’t like the ones that I faced with.”

· “I don’t need you; I want you. I can live without you, if it comes to that.”

· “God, whatever I’m supposed to learn, would I hurry up and learn it so I can stop hurting.”

The hard part of this exercise is becoming aware of and accepting the victim state that you have created. Going over this article with your three friends is a good way to get them on board with you and to help you change. You can make it into a fun game of “gotcha.”

One of the valuable things that can come out of giving up being the victim is a reduction in violence. Both physical and verbal violence are the result of feeling powerless, which is one of the main components of being a victim. The people who are violent feel powerless, and are attempting to take back their power by being violent.

Myron Doc Downing PhD, LMFT