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j 36 The COl/feu;OI/.\ Adolescent lust
7. Alas for me! Do I dare to say that you were silent. my God when I was straying from you'? Were you really silent to me at thai time? Whose, then, were the words spoken to me by my mother your faithful follower? Were they not your words, the song you were constantly singing into my ears? None of it sank down to m) heart, though, to induce me to act on it. She urged me to keep clearol fornication, and especially not to commit adultery with any man's wife. I remember in my inmost heart the intense earnestness with which she cautioned me against this; but these warnings seemed to me mere woman' s talk. which I would have blushed to heed. In truth they came from you. but I failed to realize that, and assumed that you were silent and she alone was tal lUng. By using her you were not silent to me at all: and when I scorned her I was scorning you-I, her son, the son of your handmaid, I your servant! 1'1 But I was quite reckless; I rushed on headlong in such blindness that when I heard other youths of my own age bragging about their immoralities I was ashamed to be less depraved than they. The more disgraceful their deeds, the more credit they claimed: and so I too became as lustful for the plaudits as for the lechery itself. What is more to be reviled than vile debauchery? Afraid of being reviled I grew viler and when I had no indecent acts to admit that could put me on a level with these abandoned youths, I pretended to obscenities I had not committed, lest I might be thought less courageous for being more innocent, and be accounted cheaper for being more chaste.
8. With companions like these I roamed the streets of Babylon and wallowed in its filth as though basking amid cinnamon and precious ointments. My invisible enemy trampled on me'" and seduced me in order to fix me still faster in the center of that city, for I was easy enough to seduce. My natural mother had by this time fled from the center of Babylon," though she still lingered in its suburbs. She warned me to live chastely. but did not extend her care to restraining within the bounds of conjugal love (if it could not be cut right back to the quick) this behavior of mine, of which she had heard from her husband, even though she judged it to be corrupt already and likely to be dangerous in the future. Her reluctance to arrange a marriage for me arose from the fear that if I were encumbered with a wife my hope could be dashed-not hope in you for the world to come, to which she held herself, but my hope of academic success. Both my
)4. SCTP" JJ5\lJhl:16 10 See 1\. 55:2(56: I) 21 Seeler51:6.
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Book II 37
parents were very keen on my making progress in study: my father, because he thought next to nothing about you and only vain things abollt me; and my mother, because she regarded the customary course of studies as no hindrance, and even a considerable help, toward my gaining yOll eventually. So, at least. do I interpret their respective attitudes, as I remember them now as best I can.
The restraints placed upon my amusements were also slackened more than strict discipline would have approved, with the result that I strayed into various disreputable amours. Throughout these expe- riences a dark fog cut me off from your bright truth, my God, and my sin grew sleek on my excesses."
He robs (1 pear tree
4. 9. Beyond question, theft is punished by your law. 0 Lord,D and by the law written in human hearts,'4 which not even sin itself can erase; for does any thief tolerate being robbed by another thief, even if he is rich and the other is driven by want? I was under no compulsion of need, unless a lack of moral sense can count as need. and a loathing for justice, and a greedy, full-fed love of sin. Yet I wanted to steal, and steal I did. I already had plenty of what I stole. and of much better quality too, and I had no desire to enjoy it when I resolved to steal it. I simply wanted to enjoy the theft for its own sake. and the sin.
Close to our vineyard there was a pear tree laden with fruit. This fruit was not enticing, either in appearance or in flavor. We nasty lads went there to shake down the fruit and carry it off at dead of night. after prolonging our games out of doors until that late hour according to our abominahle custom. We took enormous quantities. not to feast all ourselves but perhaps to throw to the pigs; we did eat a few, but that was not our motive: we derived pleasure from the deed simply because it was forbidden."
Look upon my heart. 0 God, look upon this heart of mine, on which you took pity in its abysmal depths. Enable my heart to tell you now what it was seeking in this action which made me bad for no reason. in which there was no motive for my malice except malice. The malice was loathsome, and I loved it. I was in love with my own ruin. in love with decay: not with the thing for which I was falling into decay but with decay itself, for I was depraved in soul, and I leapt down from your strong support into destruction,
22 SCT P" T203 ):7. 24 See R('[n 2:1rl--IS. 23 See [), 20:15; D! 5:19 2.:" Sc(' Lk 1.:":15-16.
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snatched from his power or withdrawn from it-when or where 01 whither or by whom? Flirtatiousness aims to arouse love by channing wiles, but nothing can hold more charm than your charity, nor could anything be loved to greater profit than your truth, whid outshines all else in its luminous beauty. Curiosity poses as pursuil of knowledge, whereas you know everything to a supreme degree Even ignorance or stupidity masquerades as simplicity and inno, cence, but nothing that exists is simpler than yourself; and whal could be more innocent than you, who leave the wicked to be hounded by their own sins? Sloth pretends to aspire to rest, but whal sure rest is there save the Lord? Lush living likes to be taken for contented abundance, but you are the full and inexhaustible store 01 a sweetness that never grows stale. Extravagance is a bogus gener· osity. but you are the infinitely wealthy giver of all good things, A varice strives to amass possessions, but you own everything, Envy is contentious over rank accorded to another, but what ranks higher than you? Anger seeks revenge, but who ever exacts revenge with greater justice than yourself? Timidity dreads any unforeseen or sudden threat to the things it loves. and takes precautions for their safety; but is anything sudden or unforeseen to you? Who can sepa- rate what you love from Where is ultimate security to be found, except with you? Sadness pines at the loss of the good things with which greed took its pleasure, because it wants to be like you, from whom nothing can be taken away,
14. A soul that turns avvay from you therefore lapses into fornica- tion" when it seeks apart from you what it can never find in pure and limpid form except by returning to you. All those who wander far away and set themselves up against you are imitating you, but in a perverse way; yet by this very mimicry they proclaim that you are the creator of the whole of nature, and that in consequence there is no place whatever where we can hide from your presence.
With regard to my theft, then: what did I love in it, and in what sense did I imitate my Lord, even ifonly with vicious perversity? Did the pleasure I sought lie in breaking the law at least in that sneaky way, since I was unable to do so with any show of strength? Was I, in truth a prisoner, trying to simulate a crippled sort of freedom. atlempting a shady parody of omnipotence by getting away with something forbidden'? How like that servant of yours who fled from his Lord and hid in the shadows! What rotlenness, what a misshapen
28. See R0m 8:35 29 See P<.;
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life' Rather a hideous pit of death' To do what was wrong simply because it was wrong--could I have found pleasure in that?
7, 15. How can I repay the Lord'o for my ability to recall these things without fear') Let me love you, Lord, and give thanks to you and confess to your name, because you have forgiven my grave sins and wicked deeds. 8 y your sheer grace and mercy you melted my sins away like ice." To your grace also do I ascribe whatever sins I did not commit, for what would I not have been capable of, I who could be enamored even of a wanton crime? I acknow ledge that you have forgiven me everything, both the sins I willfully committed by following my own will, and those I avoided through your guidance.
Is there anyone who can take stock of his own weakness and still dare to credit his chastity and innocence to his own efforts'? And could such a person think to love you less, on the pretext that he has had smaller need of your mercy, that mercy with which you forgive the sins of those who turn back to you') If there is anyone whom you have called, who by responding to your summons has avoided those sins which he finds me remembering and confessing in my own life as he reads this, let him not mock me; for I have been healed by the same doctor who has granted him the grace not to fall ill, or at least to fall ill less seriously. Let such a person therefore love you just as much, or even more, on seeing that the same physician who rescued me from sinful diseases of such gravity has kept him immune.
8, 16. What fruit did I ever reap from those things which I now blush to remember:' and especially from that theft in which I found nothing to love save the theft itself, wretch that I was'? It was nothing, and by the very act of committing it I became more wretched still. And yet, as I recall my state of mind at the time, I would not have done it alone: I most certainly would not have done it alone. It follows. then, that I also loved the camaraderie with my fellow-thieves. So it is not true to say that I loved nothing other than the theft? Ah, but it is true. because that gang-mentality too was a nothing. What was it in fact? Who can teach me, except the One who illumines my heart" and distinguishes between its shadows? Why has this question come into my mind now, to be examined and discussed and considered? If the object of my love had been the pears I stole, and I simply wanted to enjoy them, I could have done it alone; similarly. if the act of committing the sin had sufficed by itself to yield me the pleasure I sought, I would not have further
32. See SccSir2:10.
30 11':;(1 1(1):J2. 31 SeeSlfJ:17.
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