Two assignment

337Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood®

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

®

The Habit of Empathic Communication

What Is the Purpose of Habit 5? Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood is based on the principle that diagnosis must precede prescription. Understanding comes through listening. By seeking to understand others first before expressing your views, you become a person whom others trust. When people believe that you care about their needs, they are more willing to care about yours, thereby opening the way for win-win situations.

Key Questions Answered in This Section • What barriers affect communication?

• How does Empathic Listening strengthen communication?

See

Do

Get

If I listen to understand, I�ll be understood.

I gain stronger relationships.

I use Empathic Listening skills.

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What Barriers Affect Communication? Explore Listening Barriers It�s hard to listen if:

• You�re worried about other problems.

• You listen faster than people speak.

• You�re tired or bored.

• You�re thinking about what you�re going to say back to the other person.

• You�re distracted.

List examples of listening barriers you experience at school and in your relationships.

Review How You Communicate Becoming an effective listener requires both desire and skill. To listen effectively, you must practice key principles of communication. One of these principles is to understand how meaning is conveyed from speaker to listener.

It is estimated that only 7 percent of communication is represented by the words you use, another 38 percent by your sounds and how you say words, and 55 percent by your nonverbals and body language.

338 Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood®

Words you use

How you say words/sounds

you make

Nonverbals/ body language

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How Does Empathic Listening®

Strengthen Communication? Define Levels of Listening

IIgnoring Putting forth no effort

Pretend Listening Appearing as if you are listening

Selective Listening Hearing only what interests you

Attentive Listeninng Paying more attention, being focused, being polite

Empathic Listeninng Listening with your eyes, heart, and ears to hear the entire message

EMPATHIC LISTENING

1. Listen with your eyes, heart, and ears.

2. Stand in the other person�s shoes.

3. Practice mirroring.

MIRRORING TECHNIQUES

• Repeat back what the person said words only.

• Say it in a different way; express the meaning in your own words. Look beyond words for how the person is using body language and tone of voice.

• Know when not to use mirroring.

39Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood®

COMMENT

I feel sick.

My professor stinks.

I can�t get an appointment with my advisor.

NON EMPATHIC

Go to the clinic.

I�m glad I don�t have him.

Tell the Dean of Students.

EMPATHIC

You�re not feeling well?

Wow, you sound frustrated.

So you think it takes longer than it should?

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440 Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood®

CASE STUDY—LISTEN EMPATHICALLY

Scenario 1

You work in the tuition office. An angry student calls about his tuition bill. He made the payment, but received yet another bill.

Scenario 2

Your roommate tells you that she thinks she�s flunking out of school.

Scenario 3

Your parents have let you use their credit card for emergencies while at school. They have just received a $500 bill and are calling you to find out what you spent the money on.

Scenario 4

You are doing a group project on diversity. One of your group members strongly disagrees with your views on affirmative action.

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441Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood®

Recognize Your Listening Strengths and Weaknesses When you understand your own listening barriers, you have a better chance of overcoming them. Evaluate how well you listen by completing the following exercise.

On a scale of 1 to 5, how do you think the following people would rate you as a listener? Check the appropriate number for each person.

How do your scores affect your Relationship Bank Account balances with these people? Are you making enough deposits by listening to them?

List two possible deposits to make.

List two possible withdrawals to avoid.

POOR AVERAGE OUTSTANDING

Your best friend ➀ ➁ ➂ ➃ ➄

Your boss ➀ ➁ ➂ ➃ ➄

Your professor ➀ ➁ ➂ ➃ ➄

Your roommate ➀ ➁ ➂ ➃ ➄

Your neighbor ➀ ➁ ➂ ➃ ➄

Your children ➀ ➁ ➂ ➃ ➄

Your significant other ➀ ➁ ➂ ➃ ➄

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Reflect on Habit 5 What insights did I gain from this section?

Apply Habit 5 Apply Habit 5 in your life by choosing from one of the ideas below or creating your own.

1. See how long you can keep eye contact with someone while they are talking to you.

2. Which of the following poor listening styles do you have the biggest problem with: ignoring, pretend listening, or selective listening? Try to go one day without listening poorly.

Summarize Habit 5 The most important concept to know in mastering Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood is to listen. Instead of listening with the intent to understand, most people seek first to be understood and listen with the intent to reply. In conversation, they speak or are preparing to speak, and filter information through their own paradigms.

Seeking first to understand empathy requires that you get inside another person�s frame of reference and see the world the way he or she sees it. It does not mean that you necessarily agree with that person, but simply that you understand his or her point of view.

Habit 5 allows you to build a bridge between your paradigms and the paradigms of others. Seeking to understand exhibits a willingness to consider other possibilities and creates a safe environment for expressing alternate views. When you successfully seek to understand others, you are more likely to have influence and to be understood.

442 Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood®

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