COMM ASSESS III

whether we agree or disagree with a message. Third, in many situations our response to a speaker validates the speaker; it lets the speaker know that we're "witlf' him or her. ifltimately, all of these responsive messages allow the speaker to adapt his or her communication more appropriately to ensure that listeners understand the messages.

In this section of the chapter, we review three sets of skills for responding to others while listening to them: responding with verbal messages, responding with non'ierbal mes- sages, and responding with empathic messages.

Responding with Verbal Messages A number of verbal resPonses allow us to provide a speaker with important feedback. Here are a few of them: o Communicate messages that let the speaker know that you understand the message; {or

example, "I understand. I see what you're sayingl, c Communicate messages that let the speaker know that you need clarification;for example,

"I'm confused. Can you give me another example?,,

' Communicate messages that let the speaker know that you're interested and need more information;for example, "I find what you're saying fascinating. Do you mind going into more detail?"

o Communicate messages that let the speaker know that you'd like him or her to continue speaking; for example, "OK, then what happened?,,

o Communicate messages that let the speaker know that youd like to say something;for ex- ample, "May I add something to what you,re saying?; What all of these verbal responses have in common is that they all convey that we,ve

been paying attention to what the speaker is saying. Again, it,s important that qpeakers use these messages as feedback and adapt their communication appropriately.

Responding with Nonverbal Messages In some business situations, such as at a formal board meeting, it may not be appropriate to respond to a speaker with verbal messages. In these situations, we can respond lvith nonver- bal messages' which are as important as (if not more important thanj verbal messages, Nonverbal responsive messages include visual (sight) and aural (sound) cues. We've atreiay noted a few visual nonverbal responsive cues: forward body lean, heai nods, taking notes, and making eye contact with the speaker. A few of the aural cues include back chanril cues, which we discussed in Chapter 3, including vocal assurances that signal understanding and "vocal starters" or utterances that signal that the listener would like io add something;; th. conversation. To get an idea ofhow nonverbally responsive you are in conversations, com- plete the assessment measure in Rating Scale a.2.

How responsive are you when listening to others? Take a few minutes to complete this self- report measure of nonverbal responsiveness.so The items comprising this measure will also make you aware of various nonverbal responsive behaviors.

Rate each behavior in the list using the folrowing scale: Never = 0, Rarely = l, 0ccasionally = 2, 0ften = 3, Very Often = 4

When listening to others, how often do you:

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display facial expressions that reflect your positive attitude.

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show interest by taking notes on what the other person is saying.

BtNXg4.2 Measurc of Nonverbat Responsiveness

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pARr or'lE Communication Principles for Leadership

smile at the person who is talking to you.

nod your head while the other person is talking to you,

look at the other person who is talking to you.

smile while you're asking the other person questions.

sit up and lean forward while listening.

gesture with your hands and arms while the other person is talking to you.

use vocal inflections that convey your positive attitude toward the person talking.

use voca I sta rte rs th at suggest th at you wa nt to say so methi ng.

respond quickly to the other person's questions or comments.

use vocal variety in tone, pitch, rate, and volume to indicate thatyou're interested in whatthe other person is saying.

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use vocal assurances that let the other person know that you understand his or her message,

Scoring lnstructions:

Sum your scores for the 13 items. Scores above 26 indicate high nonverbal responsiveness. Scores below 26 indicate low nonverbal responslveness.

You might be asking yourself, "Does a smile, head nod, or forward body lean really make that much of a difference when listening to others?" It does! Not only does using nonverbally responsive behaviors enhance listening comprehension, but speakers who see others responding using these behaviors feel motivated, satisfied, and effective in their communication.sl lt's a win-win situation. How important is it to you that others be nonverbally responsive when they're listening to you? How do you feel when you're speaking to someone and you get a blank stare from them? Most people become dis- tracted and begin to feel frustrated or insecure when this happens. Remember, nonver-

bal messages convey relational cuesi when oth- ers don't respond to us nonverbally, we feel somewhat rejected and unsupported. We feel "unheard."

Responding with Empathic Messages

Empathy, as we noted earlier in this chapter and also in Chapter 3, is the process of feeling what another person is feeling. Empathizing is more than just acknowledging how another person feels; it is making an effort to feel what the other person is feeling. Responding with empathy is especially important when we want to support and encourage others. Although most people dont think of the workplace as a place where feelings are openly shared and people support and encourage each other by listening and responding with empathic messages, the role of emotions in the workplace is becoming more important.s2 For example, one study examined crying in the workplace and included seven hundred working Americans equally divided by sex and representing the full range of occupations and economic levels.s3 This

Listening and responding to others with empathy can accomplish many communication goals, including enhancing the quality of your w orkpla c e relati onsh ip s.

cHAITER 4 Listening and Responding

study found that 48 percent of men and 41 percent of women reported that it's OK to cry and to express your emotions at work.

Empathy is a communication tool that can be used to accomplish a number of commu- nication goals, such as building important workplace relationships, repairing workplace relationships, defusing workplace conflict, and even influencing clipnts and customers to purchase your products and services. Three strategies can enhance your abilityto respond to others with empathic messages.

ASK APPROPRIATE QUESTIONS As we listen for information and attempt to under- stand how another person is feeling, we may need to ask a number of questions. Most of our questions serve one of four purposes: (1) to obtain additional information ("Can you tell me more about the problem?"); (2) to check how the other person feels ('Are you frustrated because you didnl meet your deadline?"); (3) to ask for clarification ("\4rhat did you mdan when you said we need to outsource?"); or (4) to verlfy that you have reached an accurate conclusion about the other persort's intent or feeling ("So are you saylng you'd rather work at home than at the office?").

PARAPHRASE MESSAGE CONTENT After we have listened and asked appropriate questions, we need to check whether our interpretations are accurate by paraphrasing the content of a speaker's message. Paraphrasing is restating in our own words what we think the other person is saying. Paraphrasing is different from repeating what someone has said; that would be parroting, not paraphrasing. When we paraphrase content, we summarize the details and the main ideas. Here are some common scripts, or ways to begin paraphrasing:

"So here is what seems to have happened . . l'

"Let me see if I got this right. You're saying that . . ."

"Here's what I understand you to mean . . ."

"So the point you seem to be making is . . ."

"You seem to be saying . , ."

When a listener paraphrases the content and feelings of a speaker's message, the speaker is not only more likely to know that the message was understood but also more likely to trust and value the listener.

PARAPHRASE EMOTIONS The most important goal of empathic responding is to make sure that we understand the speaker's feelings and let him or her know that we under- stand. How do we do this? Paraphrasing emotions is similar to paraphrasing content. For example:

"So you feel . . l' "Emotionally, youle feeling. , l' "I get a sense that you're feeling . . l'

"Is this how you're feeling: you're feeling . . ."

Paraphrasing emotions or content can be especially useful in the following workplace situations:

I Before you take an important action. r Before you argue with or crrticize your business partner or associate. r When your business partner or associate has strong feelings. r When your business partner or associate just wants to talk. . When your business partner or associate is using jargon that you dont understand. r When you encounter new ideas.sa

tcrms .',, d*finitinns

Paraphraslng restating in your own words what you think another person is saying.

Responding to Gender and Cultural Differences How you respond to others at work also depends on gender and cultural diferences, which we discuss more thoroughly in the next chapter. For now, think about how many times you have had problems understanding spmeone from a different culture or even a different subculture. What's interesting is that we dont have to travel far to have a cross-cultural ex- perience' In fact, sociolinguist Deborah Tannen argues that men and tryomen are socialized into two different cultural groupings that make it difficult for men and women to listen and respond to each other at work.ss For example, during a break from a videoconference, a woman commented to her male colleague how wonderful it was for her to see, listen, and interact with her friends and colleagues from all over the world. The man agreed and then launched into a lengthy and detailed conversation about how tlle videoconferencing tech- nology allows groups ofpeople from all over the globelo see and hear each otherat the same time. The woman became a bit irritated by his response, which focused on the techni- cal detail, and ended the conversation,

As we can see in this case, people respond to each other based on their gender and cultural differences. The woman made her comment about seeing her friends from across the globe as a way of expressing her feelings for her international colleagues. She wanted her male colleague to listen and respond to her relational message. The male colleague took this opening as a chance to reveal his knowledge of videoconferencing technology and to teaclr- his female colleague some of the things he knows. Although both colleagues had the good intention of listening and responding to a friendly conversation, they had differing expectations about the direction such a conversation should take, The male colleague mayhave believed that a'good response" lvas one with interesting, factual content; whereas the female colleague -"y hru. believed a "good response" to be one with personal content, which disclosed feelings.

What this implies for listening and responding is that when we hear someone speak, we are not only hearing the words they say. We are also activating our own expectations for how others should respond to our messages. If you understand how gender and culture influence how others listen and respond, you also better understand why others respond the way they do,

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When you talk you expect other people to listen to you. So does your boss, ln fact, one of Sheila Lirio Marcelo's sources of frustration as a leader is people who don't listen to her. As the founder and chief executive officer of Care.com, she assumed that her followers would lis- ten to her. But even as CEO, she found her employees not listening. When asked, "What are your pet peeves?" she said, "Having to repeat myself more than three times." Having one of her employees tune her out is only one of her concerns. Another concern she has is "people who jump to conclusions with one observation. l'm a big believer in getting a few data points of observ- able behavior before you give somebody the gift of feedback on something, And I typically will say: 'Look, l've observed this two or three times, Let's have a con- versation about it."'

Marcelo emphasizes listening by giving employees a new perspective. She does this by asking her employees to do another person's lob for a while. "l give them a new seat at

the table, And people don't have a choice where they sit; we rotate them. . . . You sit with somebody else from a differentteam so you getto knowtheir job. What are they doing? What are they saying on the phone? How do they tick? lt forces people to listen."

ln this chapter we've emphasized what Marcelo and other leaders considerto be a weakness in new employees. Lis- tening strategies that have been detailed include turning off competing messages, listening with your eyes, and linking both major ideas and details together. A number of responding strategies were also reviewed, including how to respond with empathic messages as well as responding by adapting to gender and cultural differences,

Whether you're listening to your boss, your colleagues, a client or a customer, make sure that you are listening at peak proficiency so that your listening behavior won't be- come a pet peeve of others-especially your boss's pet peeve,