leadership of organization
winniekay90
ch_8_communication_culture_.pdf
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 1
CHAPTER 8 – COMMUNICATION CULTURE
Leaders lead through communication, but breakdowns in communication do occur and usually lead to
problems. Imagine sitting in a conference room and someone is giving a traditional PowerPoint
presentation – only with lots of text on each slide. Furthermore, the presenter watches the projector
screen and reads each slide. As a spectator, you would most likely not be enthralled by the content or
the presenter. While good slides would have helped this situation, a more effective presentation
method would be to hold a conversation: involve the audience, ask them questions, and invite
discussion. This would create a totally different atmosphere than the one-
way, bland PowerPoint presentation. The question here is why don’t we
do this as presenters?
One reason is that it is uncontrollable and therefore scary;
communication is a process of exchanging verbal and non-verbal
messages and is a continuous two-way process. PowerPoint
presentations break that cycle and become one-way. A pre-requisite of
communication is a message conveyed through some medium to the
recipient. It is essential that this message get to the recipient and be
understood in the same terms as intended by the sender. Too much
information, poorly framed messages, inappropriate channels and
incomplete feedback from the recipient to the sender on how well the
message is understood and accepted can all be self-handicapping.
Most self-handicapping in communication occurs by not developing an open and trusting
communication culture. Picture a meeting where the boss comes in a few minutes late and starts talking
about a critical issue and he doesn’t allow for questions (during or after). At the end of the meeting,
several people try to pose questions but the boss says “no questions now” and immediately walks out of
the room. More than likely, the employees are even more concerned than they were before the
meeting. Their concerns and apprehensions are magnified. Without a chance to clarify concerns or ask
questions, the employees’ thinking will evolve to the worst-case scenario. This form of presentation
creates a negative communication culture which is an obstacle to employee performance.
Individuals at work interact with one another – leaders and employees – and create many cultures
throughout an organization. Most workers belong to an organizational group and hold common ideas
about how to deal with recurrent problems and uncertainties - organizational subcultures. People create
and perpetuate social order through these cultures.1 Communication causes cultures to form and those
cultures than drive future communication. Cultures are sets of beliefs, values, and norms that are
emotional and resistant to change. Most analysts agree that there are six major characteristics of
cultures: they are collective, inherently symbolic, emotionally charged, dynamic, historically based, and
inherently fuzzy. Cultures cannot be produced by people acting alone; it is the interaction that defines
culture. How communication works or does not work across cultures is a key to how organizations
function. Communication culture is the glue that holds teams and organizations together. This glue can
CHAPTER TAKEAWAYS A positive
communication culture is dependent upon trusting relationships.
Assertive managers are more effective.
Learn how to actively listen.
Blame is the ultimate obstacle in communication.
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 2
be a driver or an obstacle to performance.
Belonging to a culture involves believing what others believe and doing as they do—at least part of the
time. If leadership is chaotic, untrustworthy, abusive, etc., the likely culture for employees will be
keeping one’s head down, not speaking up, avoiding trouble and punishment, and “just doing one’s
job.” Upward communication of concerns or fears will be unlikely. While the employees will not like the
style of this leadership group or its impact on them, it still creates a social order for the employees that
protects them from the potential greater chaos that emanates from this leadership. It creates the
communication culture –keeping out of sight and being close-mouthed. Great leaders do everything
they can to foster an open communication culture because they know that communication drives all
aspects of their organization.
Leaders need to assess their organization’s sub cultures - some sub cultures are good; some are
dysfunctional. But, some leaders think about culture as simply another managerial tool at their disposal.
Yet, organizational cultures cannot be manufactured or changed at will – it usually takes enormous
effort to change negative cultures and how communication occurs in an organization. The glue of
communication culture is holding it all together and those that want structure and peace are loath to let
go of what they are doing. Even so, if communication does not work, great leaders do something about
it – to do otherwise is self-handicapping. That often starts at home – how the leader communicates.
Leaders who effectively manage communication culture adopt methods that enable them to get closer
to employees, promote dialogue, engage employees, and align their communication with organizational
strategy.
IMPACT
Stories of companies failing because of poor communication culture are legion.2 Research into the
problems that led to Enron’s collapse pinpointed several “communication-based leader responsibilities”
that senior managers failed to meet — responsibilities such as “communicating appropriate values” and
“maintaining openness to signs of problems.” Most leaders understand the consequences of poor
financial management; but not all leaders appreciate the risks that come from a poor approach to
communication culture. The blowout of the Deepwater Horizon offshore oil rig, in April 2010, resulted in
a massive crisis for BP and its partners. Among the key factors that contributed to the disaster were
“poor communications” and a failure “to share important information.”3
More than half of change programs fail to meet their objectives and this is often attributed to managers
being unable to deal with employee resistance to needed changes. Poor communication is often cited as
the main cause of failure for IT projects. Inadequate communication is a major factor in many of
accidents and safety incidents; the root cause of errors in hospitals that harmed patients is due to
communication failure. Employee stress from poor relationships is a key driver of company law suits.
Putting in place collaborative communication systems and processes for resolving conflict assists greatly
in reducing the high cost of law suits.4
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 3
We have all seen instances of poor communication; many of us have worked in environments where
there was a culture that did not allow any questioning of leadership actions or employees voicing their
fears and concerns. We have seen organizations where there was such a massive flow of communication
it could not be prioritized and analyzed into any meaningful information; managers manipulating
communication for their individual gain; and situations where lack of communication caused problems.
Poor communication is one of the largest areas of self-handicapping in business organizations – and
comes mostly from reduced effort and excuses.
Any organization must be managed like a healthy family; otherwise, it will become a dysfunctional one.
A team that cannot define employees’ responsibilities and manage accountability fairly, provides no
“nurturing” to soothe fears, cannot find ways to get around the rules when special situations arise, or
create trust between members is not going to have a healthy communication culture. We all judge the
relationships we have on the basis of the communication that occurs within them. Research shows that
people who communicate more and more intimately have “better” relationships.5 Yet, business
conversations are traditionally expected to stay “on task” and focus on the “facts and figures” that are
needed to get the job done. Managers are expected to give presentations and write memos. Yet, the
very characteristics of communication that make a business conversation efficient, productive and
appropriate might be taken as signals of dislike, distrust or dysfunction in a purely social conversation.
The most successful way of communicating in a workplace is to treat each other as both friends AND as
task partners. In this type of communication culture, people are kind to each other, but at the same time
they expect each other to carry out their jobs. People go along with each other’s preferences and are
tolerant, but at the same time they give each other criticism when something is not going well and hold
each other accountable. This constant balance between social and business relationships is not simple,
but neither is it impossible. It is self-handicapping at either extreme – too much friendly intimacy or
none at all. “Heartless” communication does not engage employees, illuminate problems in the
workforce, allow people to express worries or ideas or help create a “trusting” culture. Too much
friendly intimacy can be anything from a time-waster to illegal.
Poor communication can also cause conflict. Misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations can be
irritating and if left to fester usually cause some form of conflict. While a leader can’t always prevent
conflict6, if a conflict does flair up, he can minimize its severity by dealing with it quickly. It is absolutely
essential to understand the other’s motivations about the situation and help them find a way to achieve
their goals. Finally, every aspect of communication is influenced by ethnic and cultural differences. The
choice of medium used to communicate - electronic technology vs. face-to-face communications, use of
personal bonds vs. formal agreements, non-verbal communication, and how time is thought of and used
can all differ across national boundaries and be important to successful communication. Not attending
to these cultural differences can be self-sabotaging; but, research to determine differences before
communicating with members of another culture can eliminate self-handicapping in this area. For
further reading, we suggest Cotton, Say Anything to Anyone, Anywhere: 5 Keys To Successful Cross-
Cultural Communication, or Reynolds, et. al., Guide to Cross-Cultural Communications.7
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 4
THE REAL ISSUES
Relying on misinformation or no information, allowing unresolved conflict, lack of meaningful or trusting
relationships, a culture that is not conducive to interaction or voicing fears, and inappropriate team
dynamics are all related to poor communication culture. Communicating poorly also can cause poor
talent management, poorly engaged employees, and virtually every other class of self-handicapping
described in this book. It is critical that a leader not self-sabotage communication as it is the foundation
for most of leadership.
Like most self-handicapping, communication self-handicapping starts with excuses. “I don’t have time
for small group meetings, I will just do a presentation. My managers will work out the employee
problems.” That leads to a culture of presentations because it saved the leader’s time. And it keeps on
because the employees don’t say much – they just accept that as the communication culture and hunker
down. But over time, this becomes a huge obstacle to performance - the employees disengage and
problems are not brought to the surface. The ERO Spiral is easy to see in this case. In other cases, it
starts with apprehension and fear. “I am afraid that the employees aren’t going to like this. I don’t want
to have to put up with all their whining and problems with it. I’ll put it in a memo or presentation – no
open meetings.” Same obstacles created but coming from deeper within the thinking of the leader – and
likely not acknowledged by him.
There are many reasons leaders can’t avoid self-handicapping in communication and probably the most
common is to avoid difficult interpersonal situations. Another is lack of time; meeting with people
individually or in small groups is much more time-consuming than giving a one-way presentation with
PowerPoint slides and no questions. Empathy takes time and you never know what is coming your way
from the employees. It is common for students in business schools to be required to give presentations
with PowerPoint in every class. When they get out into the “real world,” their preferred mode of
communication is presentation of concepts (like back in school) rather than one-on-one problem-
solving. These engrained habits do not promote openness, trust, or listening. Most importantly, they do
not allow employees to voice their fears and concerns about a situation - which can be critical
information to an organizational change process. Presentations have their place in organizations, but
the leader must not use them as a crutch for expediency, avoiding employee concerns, or fear of getting
too close to people’s problems – that is self-handicapping.
Several more manifestations of culture are important. Much of culture is taken for granted and goes
unexamined since it is learned unconsciously. Furthermore, cultural communication is often symbolic
which makes it inherently imprecise and hidden from the uninitiated - things often stand for other
things. In healthcare, lab coats, garment color, embroidery on garments, and where stethoscopes are
carried all indicate power and status – to those who know how to read the signs. Also, organizations
must often assimilate new groups and technology to deal with their changing environments and these
new mergers or acquisitions carry with them cultural baggage that will affect existing cultures. Clear
communication is critical at these times as this can kill a merger. It takes something out of the ordinary,
something that makes a specific element in the culture salient, to make people become aware of what is
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 5
ordinarily latent. In any attempts to make enterprise-wide strategy changes or mergers, this is critical. At
these junctures, cultures should not be “dysfunctional” in that they can make employees unwilling to
change what they do, color the interpretation of information and events, or encourage behaviors that
do not help the organization.
DO YOU PRACTICE POOR COMMUNICATION? SURVEY: Do I Practice Poor Communication or Not? (Y = Yes, N= No, DK = Don’t Know) _____ I don’t really encourage my employees to express their fears and doubts enough. _____ I wish I was better at being consistent and creating trust with all of my employees. _____ I probably don’t understand how to work with organizational culture very well. _____ I am somewhat unwilling to share personal stories to better connect with staff. _____ I don’t always understand the appropriate vehicle to communicate. _____ I can be defensive or sometimes can't take constructive feedback. _____ I pretty much use email or texting for all communication. _____ I would rather make a presentation than sit down with small groups of employees and find a good
solution. _____ I am a poor listener – my employees’ problems bore me. _____ I can get defensive in conversations. _____ I suspect there are some undiscussables in my area. There are a lot of issues here that are under
the table and no one talks about them openly. _____ I can't take constructive feedback. _____ I don’t know all of my employees’ names. Scores 10-13 Y’s - You are greatly self-handicapping your communication culture 5 – 9 - You are inconsistent on your approach to communication culture 1 – 4 - You are a good communicator
WHAT TO DO Review of the Basics of Communication
The intent of this chapter is not to teach basic communication; it is to promote developing a
communication culture that is not an obstacle to excellence. Even so, let us quickly review
communication and how to increase communication in organizations.8 Oral communication is generally
recommended when the communication matter is temporary or building rapport and trust is significant.
Written communication is used where a record must be kept and there is more formality needed.
Oral Communication Written Communication
Advantages Limitations Advantages Limitations
High level of understanding and transparency =
Possible misunderstanding s if information
Establish Principles and Policies
Keeps record
Costs: time and resources
Non-spontaneous
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 6
interpersonal
Flexible, allows for rapid changes
Spontaneous feedback, quick decision making
Best for problem resolution – easy to put and end to conflicts or disputes
isn’t complete
Requires attentiveness and receptivity
Can’t be used as legal records except in investigation work
Records delegation assignments
Precise and Explicit
response
Requires great competency in language and vocabulary
Non Verbal Communication. Nonverbal communication is comprised of feelings, emotions, attitudes,
thoughts projected through body movements, gestures, eye contact, touching, the measurable distance
between people as they interact, time (running a few minutes late to a meeting), variations in pitch,
speed, volume, and pauses, and physical appearance. Non-verbals convey information that reinforce
what is said, provide additional feedback, and even signal to others one is finished speaking.9 Eye
contact is an important aspect of non-verbal behaviour; looking at someone lets them know that one is
concentrating on the content of their speech. Little eye contact can indicate disinterest. Posture also
indicates interest or emotions, and intentions. Two forms of posture have been identified: ‘open’ and
‘closed’. Closed means arms folded, legs crossed or positioned at an angle to the other person. Finally,
every culture has different levels of physical closeness which are expected or tolerated. When someone
violates an 'appropriate' distance, people may feel uncomfortable or defensive.
To improve on non-verbal interpretive skills, focus on the most useful cues for a given situation. Movements that are unusual for a particular person are more meaningful; for example, when someone who ordinarily has very relaxed fingers and hands begins tapping a finger. Discrepancies between verbal statements and nonverbal behaviors are also significant - nonverbal cues are indicators of masked or hidden emotions or thoughts. For example, someone who speaks to his or her boss with a shaky voice but with confident words is indicating discomfort with the situation or fear of the boss. Non-verbals can become a barrier to effective communication – they must match the verbal message. Remember, “What we say” is often less important than “How we say it” as words are only 7% of our communication. A good reference is The Definitive Book of Body Language, by Barbara and Allan Pease.
Barriers to Communication. A leader must discover the various barriers to communication, analyze the
reasons for their occurrence and take preventive steps to avoid those barriers. There are several barriers
that affect the flow of communication in an organization:
Perception: Perception is generally how each individual interprets the world around him. His
perception is more important than your “truth.”
Language Differences: Linguistic differences cause the same word to mean different things to
different individuals. All professions have their own lingo – just make sure others know it.
Information Overload: Leaders and employees are surrounded with too much information.
Consequently, information is often misinterpreted, forgotten or overlooked.
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 7
Inattention: At times we listen, but not hear. Thus, urgent problems can distract us from hearing
a subordinate explain his problem. Even poor hearing on the part of one of the parties – some of
us need hearing aids.
Emotions: If the receiver feels that the communicator is angry he interprets the information
differently than if the communicator is happy.
Complexity in Organizational Structure: Greater the hierarchy in an organization, the chances of
communication getting mislaid or distorted are greater.
Poor retention: Human memory cannot function beyond a limit. One cannot always retain what
is being said - this leads to communication breakdown.
Ask questions to find out how someone interprets your message. Ensure that employees have command
over both written and spoken language. Use of simple and clear words; use of ambiguous words and
jargon should be avoided. Listen attentively and carefully; there is a difference between “listening” and
“hearing.” During communication one should make effective use of body language - do not show
emotions as the receiver might misinterpret the message being delivered. Reduce the number of
hierarchical levels and signatures needed in communication. Reduce overload; delegate email to an
assistant or use texting for critical interactions. Properly select the medium of communication. Simple
messages should be conveyed orally, written communication should be encouraged for delivering
complex messages. Finally, be transparent. When leaders practice transparency, employees are not
afraid to be transparent either. This facilitates an honest dialogue up and down the organization.
Transparency. A Harvard Business Review survey revealed that more than half of all managers don't
trust their leaders.10 When people experience such distrust, they describe their working environment as
threatening, divisive, unproductive, and tense. In contrast, when working in a trusting environment,
people report the experience as fun, supportive, motivating, and productive. Companies that foster a
culture of transparency and trust clearly have a competitive advantage for sustainable success.
So, why wouldn't leaders remove this self-handicap to promote openness and a free flow of
information? Why can’t people communicate upward and do so honestly? Most employees want to be a
part of a workplace culture that puts a premium on delivering the truth.11 They want their leaders to
share where the company is headed so they can plan and protect themselves. Most people now realize
they need to look out for themselves in their careers.
Transparency issues can involve a leader who won't listen to employees, as well as employees who
won't speak up. The reason most leaders are not transparent is because they believe they will be viewed
as less authoritative, have less power or control, or they have a habit of being very tight with
information - which was learned over time in a more dysfunctional earlier work environment. One of the
most powerful questions you can ask yourself is, "Do I lead by inspiring transparency and trust?"
Here is what leaders should do:12
Treat others as you would want to be treated. Treat everyone with respect.
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 8
Make time to listen to employees’ questions and suggestions. It’s important to communicate that
you, in fact, want to hear from employees. Don’t tell your stories.
Show that you have heard employees’ opinions and use some of them. Listening during one-on-one
communication is vital.
Greet employees when seen. Remember their names. Walk to meetings on different routes so one
can see more of them.
Give compliments; recognize employees for their contributions. Everyone likes being told something
looks good.
Make an effort to get to know employees beyond their role. Find emerging talent. Make emotional
connections – ditch the small talk and get out of communication autopilot.
Be authentic – be who you are. Let people know who you really are – talk about vulnerabilities,
problems, and failures.
Ask for help. As much as people like giving help, it’s still kind of scary to ask for it. But, most people like to help.
Provide small meetings for information and opinion exchange. Do not use PowerPoint presentations
exclusively.
Dress up (or down). Our clothes are the physical armor that stands between us and others we
encounter. You can open others up or close them down by how you dress.
Give employees an open, standing invitation to approach you with questions, concerns, complaints
and comments at any time – and honor it.13 Specify 20% of your week as open time.
Distributing a daily or weekly memo about projects, announcements and deadlines keeps
employees and leaders on the same page.
Send all messages across multiple channels. And make important messages repetitive – it takes
three times.
WHY DON’T YOU? Expediency
As with any other category of self-handicapping, you have to ask yourself how much of this is due to
taking the expedient route, vs avoiding problems, vs apprehension and so on. Much of the handicapping
we do in basic communication is expedient. Much of what we do in creating or contributing to the
communication culture in our area is due to the apprehension we carry around about disclosure, how
close we allow others to come to our “inner being,” shyness, shame, and other deeper issues. None of
this is bad; it is just you. But, if you are or want to be a leader – you may have to face these fears and get
beyond them. Great leaders help create or change communication cultures so they are open and
trusting – to promote maximum exchange of information. Understanding that you are a big contributor
to the culture in your area may help you face those fears and work to overcome them and practice new
ways of operating.
There are lots of reasons for not opening up and you will have to examine yourself to find out why you
don’t. If the answer is lack of training, we have some suggestions below. If you find it difficult to open up
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 9
and be vulnerable in personal disclosure, read When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith (1985) or
Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven, Step-by-Step Techniques for Overcoming your Fear by
Martin Antony PhD and Richard Swinson (2008).14
What communication handicaps do you use because of expediency?
______________________________________________________________________________
Avoidance
If you view your coworkers as judgmental and mean-spirited, then sharing your vulnerabilities is a high-
risk move. Furthermore, you may have had some exposed weaknesses used against you in the past.
Maybe things went on at home that you (and the family) were wary of anyone finding out about. Shy
people are sometimes overly guarded and not open.15 We all can find reasons to avoid close
communication.
Usually as people get to know each other, they start opening up to each other and sharing more and
more of their vulnerabilities. Shy, introverted leaders need to use baby steps and start with mild
disclosures. If these are met with acceptance and understanding, they reveal more. The expectation is
that if one person reveals something about themselves that the other will match it. Some people can be
reluctant to start this process and make these kinds of personal self-disclosures that help deepen
relationships. Just remember that the leader is the adult in this relationship - by definition - and must
start the baby steps toward openness.
What communication handicaps do you use because of avoidance?
______________________________________________________________________________
Apprehension
Many leaders have some level apprehension when connecting with other people. They sometimes feel
others will judge them or dislike them. This fear holds many of us back from being open and is the
greatest source for communication self-handicapping. Yet, if leaders don't share some of themselves,
the employees won’t share back. Leaders will need to push that fear aside and not worry so much about
what others might think or say or do. When leaders open up and are authentic, they are usually
surprised by how much people accept them and open up. Judging or blaming others can also prevent
openness.
Being too guarded and self-protective is a self-defeating strategy in most leadership situations.16
Secretiveness can sometimes bring more attention than it helps avoid. Remember, in the absence of
data about a leader, employees will make up their own. When leaders try to act like there's nothing
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 10
wrong with them, they become distant and unrelatable. Of course, it may help to keep some personal
information under wraps; there are always those who will try to use a leader’s issues against him. Figure
out what information about yourself you're most and least comfortable sharing with people. You can
practice opening up by sharing things about yourself to strangers you'll never see again. If a particular
secret is holding you back socially, consider getting it out in the open. Doing this takes away the power
your secret has over you.
What communication handicaps do you use because of apprehension?
______________________________________________________________________________
Self-Deception
Self-betrayal leads to self-deception. People can, in essence, betray themselves by acting contrary to
what they believe or are “supposed” to believe. A person may know that they should save for
retirement; but the time comes that they want a big screen TV. By buying the TV instead of saving, they
betray their own belief about saving for the future. This betrayal becomes self-deception when they
begin to believe that the contrary behavior is the way things should be. “It is the American way to
consume and own big TVs! Who wouldn’t do this?” They begin to see the world in a way that justifies
their self-betrayal. Over time, their view of reality becomes distorted and they may be unable to focus
on their responsibility for the consequences of their behaviors. And then the obstacle always appears –
retirement with no savings. Managers follow this self-handicapping process all the time. “It is not
something I am doing, it is just these darn “Millennials” who don’t appreciate that hard work will insure
the future.”
If a leader is in the habit of judging others, he will be judged. Self-handicapping can revolve down from
excuses to a level of self-deception where it is all someone else’s fault. Then the blame is habitual.
Labeling employees in this way takes away opportunities for meaningful interaction. Leaders in this
“box” need to look and listen to the world around them and find ways to communicate with others and
truly connect without judgment or blame. Finally, leaders that consider themselves a part of the team,
and not just as someone who looks over the team, grow stronger relationships with their employees.
Leaders may think that they are good communicators if they can transfer an idea or thought to another
person or they can stand up in front of a group and speak.17 Often they attend to some components of
communication and do not ‘hear’ when people give unflattering feedback about their communication.
Additionally leaders often do not place a high priority on communication skills compared to professional
skills. They are deceived into believing that they can “wing it” when it comes to communicating. This is
just one example of self-deception learned early that continues as leaders move higher within the work
environment.
Leaders must be willing to assume responsibility for all communication even when they feel that the
responsibility should be shared or that someone else should make the initial effort. Leaders need to
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 11
drop their defenses and protective mechanisms, to become more open and trusting, thus facilitating
communication. Lastly, leaders must be willing to acknowledge and change past routines and behaviors
that have hindered skilled communication. In other words, they must get out of the “box” to
communicate in a way that does not cause self-handicapping obstacles. As leaders achieve a heightened
awareness of self-deception, and move toward becoming skilled communicators, they should view
themselves as accountable for their work environment.
How does self-deception affect your communication efforts?
______________________________________________________________________________
BEHAVIORS TO CHANGE
Saying “I’m Sorry”
Recognize. The first place to practice vulnerability and openness is being willing to apologize – to say,
“I’m sorry.” We all need to openly apologize because we all make mistakes that hurt people whether
intentional or not. It isn't always easy to apologize. It takes courage, makes you vulnerable (one reason
that you should do it), and you have to get above embarrassment to face up to your actions. Yet, it is
the most effective way to create or restore trust.
Admit. Not apologizing can damage relationships and harm your reputation. No one wants to work for a
boss who doesn't “own up” and apologize for his mistakes. There are many reasons why you should
make a sincere apology when you've hurt someone:18
To open a dialogue between yourself and the other person.
To acknowledge that you engaged in unacceptable behavior.
To admit that the situation was your fault and restore dignity to the person you hurt.
To take responsibility for your actions.
There are many possible reasons for not apologizing: feeling superior, not wanting to be vulnerable, not
realizing what was done or that it was inappropriate, or not doing it right away and then being too
embarrassed to do it later. All are excuses leading into the ERO Spiral.
Adjust. One of the best places to find tools to help in all management skills is Mindtools (www.mindtools.com) and they have a great page on apology (http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/how-to-apologize.htm).
Key Behaviors. Here are the Key Behaviors for Apologizing:
1. Apologize as soon as you realize that you've wronged someone. 2. Say "I'm sorry," or "I apologize" sincerely to express remorse. With full eye contact. 3. Admit responsibility for your actions. 4. Make amends if possible. Don’t give empty promises.
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 12
5. Say you will not do it again Reassuring the other person that you're going to change your behavior helps rebuild trust. Explanations and excuses can weaken your apology. Keep in mind that the other person might not be ready to forgive you for what happened. Give that person time to heal, and don't rush him through the process. Finally, keep in mind this caveat: in some countries, an apology is seen as an admission of liability or guilt. Listening Recognize. Listening can be very difficult – especially in today’s fast paced world. Maybe you are
thinking about the football game last night, worrying about your 401k, or weighing lunch options.
Maybe you have heard it before - ten times before. Maybe you made up your mind how to proceed on
the first sentence. Worst of all, maybe you have gotten what you wanted from this person and you are
thinking, “I just wish they would go away now.” Allowing these mental distractions is a self-
handicapping.
Admit. Vulnerability, openness, creating or rebuilding trust all require one to pay attention and listen.
That simply means stop talking and try to hear what is being said. It means caring about the speaker and
his issues. Because the brain does not use all of its capacity when listening, a leader's mind may drift to
thinking of answers or explanations rather than listening to the message at hand. Make sure that
employees and others who approach you to feel that you are fully available and listening to them.19 It
will build engagement.
Adjust. Non-verbals are important. Establishing eye contact with the person you are listening to
establishes rapport and allows you to focus on the person; it helps you avoid distractions and pay
attention more fully. Recall the information that you hear and paraphrase it; but don’t do a lot of
restating what is said out loud – that can be irritating (think about your last call to a technical support
center). You can also encourage an individual by nodding your head, smiling, or leaning in slightly. Ask
open questions.
Because a listener can listen at a faster rate than most speakers talk, there is a tendency to evaluate too
quickly. That tendency is perhaps the greatest barrier to effective listening. Also, time spent explaining
or defending your decision or position is a sure sign that you are not listening.
Key Behaviors. Key Behaviors for listening are20:
1. Look at the speaker directly and put aside distracting thoughts. 2. Stop talking - do not interrupt, talk over the person or finish their sentences for them. 3. Don’t doodle, shuffle papers, look out the window, or pick your fingernails 4. Don't mentally prepare a rebuttal as the other person is speaking 5. Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention. 6. Help the speaker to feel free to speak. Encourage the speaker with small verbal comments like yes,
and uh huh. 7. Clarify what you are hearing with phrases such as "What I'm hearing is" or ask questions to clarify certain
points.
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 13
8. Look at issues from their perspective. Let go of preconceived ideas. Be patient. Developing and Maintaining Trust Recognize. Many different definitions of trust can be found;21 yet, there are three elements required in
trusting another person: their ability or competence, their benevolence—the willingness of the person to
do good, and whether the person has a core set of values to guide behavior. It is not enough to just be a
good person in order to earn trust; one also needs to be competent and able to deliver on one's promises.
The greater the trust and the lower the perceived risk in any context, the more likely that open
communication will occur.
Covey22 suggests trust is the most fundamental component to all business relationships, including those
within and between businesses. He argues that the degree people trust each other around the world is
decreasing rapidly. Covey argues that when "trust goes down, speed of business will also go down and
costs will go up.” In organizations, the data show a great absence of trust:
• Only 51% of employees have trust and confidence in senior management. • Only 36% of employees believe their leaders act with honesty and integrity. • Over a 12 month period, 76% of employees observed illegal or unethical conduct on the job.
This is critical because we have entered a global, knowledge-worker economy that revolves around
partnering and relationships. The ERO Spiral is plain to see: simply telling someone what you think they
want to hear to save time and effort with no follow through on your part, self-deception that it does not
matter much, a break in employee trust, disengaged employees thinking it is okay – even fun - to
sabotage your strategies and plans.
Here is what you should do23:
Be honest by saying what will be done and do what you say you will do. Give credit for good work that is being done. Be willing to acknowledge, accept responsibility for, and repair perceived breaches or
betrayals of trust with employees. Take responsibility rather than making excuses. Ensure that organizational policies, procedures, and rules are applied consistently and
equitably. There will be no vengeful actions. Send the message that employees will be trusted. Speak in terms of “we” rather than
creating “us and them.” Unclog organizational communication channels by implementing open-door and open-book
policies and establishing user-friendly networks. Value each other’s background and experience and do not discredit each other’s
competence. When problems are investigated, attempt to determine what went wrong and why rather
than who was responsible.
Admit. Galford and Seibold Drapeau, in The Trusted Leader24, list several factors that hinder organizational cultures of trust:
• Personal agendas that do not align with the organization’s strategies
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 14
• Volatile personalities that reflect a need for vengeance or abrasive and abusive conduct • Perceiving co-workers or management to be incompetent • An organizational environment with a history of numerous reorganizations or management
changes
Ambiguous behaviors by leaders and supervisors Perceptions about the culture of the organization – “how we do things here”
Trust also breaks down in organizations because of a “good guys and bad guys” mentality between
management and labor. Each group believes that the other wants radically different things and will be
willing to hurt the other side to get them. Yet, in conflict management and team-building work, the
answer routinely comes back that people generally want the same things: respect, participation, clarity,
fairness, understanding, and the opportunity to achieve something worthwhile. Understanding and
cutting through these assumptions and differences is a key to creating trust and a good communication
culture.
The ways trust is broken are numerous.25 It can come from mismanaged change efforts, mergers,
acquisitions, and layoffs. Interpersonally, it may occur through a single act, such as violating a
confidence or telling a lie, or a continuous stream of minor acts, such as gossiping and talking about
others behind their backs or consistently arriving late for meetings. Regardless, if unintentional error or
fraudulent, vengeful act, employees interpret such issues as acts of betrayal. Strong leadership can help
organizations overcome these barriers to organizational trust. Trust is a reciprocal process and the
leadership is often the key for creating a trust-based organization. Leaders do this by getting out, being
vulnerable, and listening.
And remember that there are cross-cultural differences in organizational trust and similarities cannot be
assumed26. Individualist cultures, like that of the United States, focus on the self, while collectivist
cultures, like that of Japan, focus on the group. It could be assumed that organizational trust should be
higher in collectivist cultures. However, this is not the case. Organizational trust and the propensity to
trust are higher in the United States than in Japan, Korean, Hong Kong, Taiwan, China, and Malaysia.
This might be due to the differences in openness among these cultures. Americans are three times as
likely to express discontent within the workplace as the Japanese are to express such feelings.
Ask yourself these questions:27
Is my behavior predictable or erratic?
Do I communicate clearly or carelessly?
Do I treat promises seriously or lightly?
Am I forthright or dishonest?
Adjust. Rebuilding trust has much in common with experiencing a death.28 There is a sense of loss and
healing after a betrayal which requires us to move through a series of emotions:
Become aware of what happened and acknowledge the impact on you & others
Feel the upset & find ways to voice to your feelings
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 15
Frame the experience: consider the bigger picture and take responsibility for what part you may have played in what happened.
Forgive and forget - let go and move on. When trust is broken, most people experience the impact as a loss — tune into how employees are
responding to that loss. Acknowledge their experience, listen to what’s important to them. Provide
people with nonthreatening environments to express their feelings and begin to work through them.
Share key information and insights to help employees feel involved in the solution. Make up for failing
to do what you said you would do. Remember that rebuilding trust takes time and patience – it is a
rebuilding your credibility.
Key Behaviors. Key Behaviors for rebuilding trust are below:
1. Remind yourself that not all is lost. Don't do anything rash without thinking about it first. 2. Acknowledge what happened and apologize. Also apologize for lying by omission. Take full
responsibility for your actions and choices. 3. Allow feelings to surface thru team meetings or one-on-one conversations. Give the others a
chance to speak and be clear about your feelings. 4. Reframe the experience into a larger context. Help people to see the bigger picture, such as the
business reasons behind a set of decisions. 5. Help people recognize where they are stuck and how they can shift from blaming to problem
solving. 6. Make constructive changes based on employee input. 7. Be extra dependable, consistent, & responsive. Be sure that all promises you make are promises
you keep. 8. Accept that sometimes it is going to feel like you are moving two steps forward and three steps
back but continue to hold employees accountable.
Blame
Recognize. How many times have you heard someone who said or did something that is mean and
hurtful and they justified it by saying you made them do it?29 That's an example of using blame to excuse
their own bad behavior – severe self-deception. Blame can also allow a person's emotions to override
self-control in order to achieve an often selfish end. People who blame others tend to overemphasize
themselves while at the same time underemphasizing the negative effects of their actions. Blame closes
you up and everyone around you. Blame is an obstacle on the end of a long ERO spiral.
Admit. Many people's actions are based on either gaining something pleasurable and avoiding
something unpleasant. We all make selfish, self-serving, and lazy decisions now and then – it’s called
being human. However, using too much blame to bolster ourselves or our self-esteem is self-defeating.
Blame is often used to cover fears, so examine your motivations carefully in this section.
Adjust. If you can own up to a mistake as soon as you make it and do your best to correct it, you can
prevent it from turning into a huge problem that is then difficult to solve.30 We often justify failures by
saying we could turn things around if only x, y, or z would happen. This kind of “faceless” blame simply
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 16
keeps you from acting and solving problems. Get over the idea that making mistakes is being stupid. Try
not to judge others. Lastly, stop blaming yourself - this kind of blame keeps others away and does
nothing to foster a learning environment in your work area.
Key Behaviors for avoiding the blame game31 are:
1. Step up and confess as soon as you realize what went wrong. 2. Don't skate around the issue. Don't try to shift even a part of the blame to someone else. 3. If you do or want to blame others, ask yourself “Why?” 4. Define the box that blame has built for you and find ways to get out of that box. 5. Shift to “What” and “How” questions. Do not say “If only.” 6. Accept the consequences. Realize that the truth will be discovered eventually. 7. Recover gracefully. Hold your head up and move on.
Vulnerability: Shame & Pessimism
Recognize. There's a saying: "Don't believe everything you think32." It applies to a lot of our negative
thinking: shame, pessimism, and defensiveness. Shame-based thinking has several characteristics: dire
predictions, doubt in your coping skills, selective focus on negative aspects of events, negative
explanations of others' or one’s own behavior, and rigid rules about how people should behave. We all
have had some of these thoughts when we feel like we can’t do something well or we have done
something we are not proud of. This leads to feelings of not liking yourself. We usually keep those
hidden; but sometimes, it keeps us from being open – and vulnerable - to others. And these
apprehensions lead to huge obstacles for a leader.
Admit. Some leaders don’t really believe they are capable of their positions. They are probably very
capable, and this is just a self-sabotaging brain exercise. Lots of professionals in hard science areas
haven’t been prepared well for the messy world of managing people – they were taught to manage
things - things are predictable and much more manageable than people. If you feel unworthy or
incapable of doing something well – like connecting to people, being vulnerable with other people,
dealing with people without being defensive, or you don’t deserve your job - you have short circuited
the entire communication process before it even starts. Inner thoughts that make us closed and not
transparent create the wrong kind of communication culture. But that self-sabotaging thinking can be
stopped and turned around.
“Confirmation bias” describes our brain’s tendency to latch onto information that matches our
preexisting beliefs, and to shun information that contradicts it. Knowing this, we need to consciously
tamp down our knee-jerk reaction to feel shame, be pessimistic or defensive. You can work on
becoming more optimistic.33 Pessimistic thoughts--“I can’t do this” or “I’ll look like an idiot”—close you
up and only make matters worse in communication culture. Catch yourself when the self-talk turns
negative and consciously make it positive: “I can deal with this” or “I can take care of myself.” Positive
thoughts really do lead to positive actions. We invite you to read Martin Seligman’s book, Learned
Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life.34
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 17
When a good thing happens, pessimists dismiss it as a fluke; optimists take the credit. When bad things
happen, pessimists blame themselves and expect to suffer a long time, while optimists see bad events as
having little to do with them, and as one-time problems that will pass quickly. During difficult times
when solutions seem to be beyond your reach, remember it is not personal, not pervasive, and not
permanent. Seligman’s entire book shows that optimism and pessimism both boil down to little more
than our "explanatory" style—a person's distinct way of interpreting life's ups and downs. An optimist
doesn’t go looking for a scapegoat—and will acknowledge his contribution to a problem so he can make
it better. Great leaders lead through optimism because pessimism is the ultimate self-handicap.
Adjust. The really good news is that we can all develop skills to improve optimism. Learned Optimism
includes a test to determine your own style and strategies for growing a more optimistic and hopeful
attitude. You can take it on line at:
http://web.stanford.edu/class/msande271/onlinetools/LearnedOpt.html
The best thing to do with negative thinking is to work in baby steps and use your ability to think to turn
things to the positive. Choose a specific thought that you'd like to work with, then challenge this thought
by asking the questions below.
Key Behaviors. Key Behaviors for overcoming shame:
1. Pick a thought that is shame-based or pessimistic.
2. Work through the list below to challenge the thought.
Is this thought really true?
How do I know it's true?
What is the evidence for or against this thought?
Is this thought helping me or hurting me?
Who would I be or what could I do if I let go of this thought?
Am I willing to release this thought?
What's the worst that could happen if I let go of this thought? Can I live with that? 3. Find a more appropriate thought and say it over and over until you believe it.
For more help on this, read How to Remove Negative Beliefs and Free Your Mind by Nigel Paul Miller
(2014).
Defensiveness Recognize. Defensive communication is a form of fighting - a defense mechanism. When we sense a
threat to our self-esteem, we automatically protect ourselves by defensive verbal or nonverbal
responses. It is often the visual clue to shame or other feelings of unworthiness. It is excessive
sensitivity to criticism and the things you do to deal with criticism.
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 18
Admit. When you or an employee are automatically defensive, ask “why?” Is it as simple as a word being
used that triggers long suppressed emotion, or is it a defense against any and all criticism – constructive
or not? If it is a reaction to a trigger, find and moderate the trigger.
Adjust. When defensiveness occurs35, it is best to slow down. Deliberate action when in conversation
with an employee allows time to ask why the defensiveness is occurring and what to do next. Also,
detach. You know what pushes your hot buttons, so cut off your usual response at the pass. Finally, start
over. Step away and come back when you are cooled down and not emotionally wrapped up in the
issue. Reschedule with an employee and start again after analysis to determine what you said or did to
cause or set off the defensiveness. The fastest way to change other people’s perception of you as a poor
leader is to work on being less defensive.
Additionally, there are several ways to avoid sending defensive messages. One is to focus on the
problem, not on the person. The speaker should focus on situations and solutions, not on personal
traits. The communication should validate; invalidation arouses negative feelings and defensiveness. It
should be specific and useful, not global. The more specific a statement is, the more useful it is and the
more likely you are to avoid defensiveness. In addition, appealing to a common goal is preferable to
exercising control over the other person. Finally, avoiding judgments of the person’s behavior is helpful.
Key Behaviors. Key Behaviors for Handling Defensiveness are as follows:
1. Listen carefully and paraphrase by reflecting both the person’s content and feeling messages.
(Repeat if necessary). 2. Verify your perceptions by asking for clarifications. 3. Do not allow yourself to get defensive too. 4. Continue to treat the person with respect in spite of his or her words. 5. Appeal to the common goal of mission or a shared task. 6. Make “I” statements when expressing thoughts and feelings. 7. Focus on behaviors and actions, not on personality traits. Hindering Expression of Doubt
Recognize. Not allowing expression of doubt in meetings or any similar lack of two-way communication
is self-limiting. A common example in business is continually using presentations rather than allowing
discussions in small group or team meetings. The wisdom of the crowd (see the Analysis Chapter)
cannot be heard and many ideas and issues will be passed over. These can come back to haunt team or
departmental efforts to excel or change. It can also cause the development of “undisscussables” - things
people won't bring up in a meeting but talk about it extensively at work among themselves. The leader
is then often oblivious to major issues in the workforce that can hobble him or his area.
Admit. Employees withholding information that could benefit the organization can be caused by fear of
retribution; but that seems to be the exception. Most of their silence is from employees feeling they
have little to gain by venturing forward with their doubts or ideas for solving problems. The prevailing
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 19
belief among mangers that having an open door policy will encourage employees’ input isn’t enough. It
isn’t enough because it is passive – it requires employees to initiate the conversation. A major key to
allowing expression of employee fears and doubts is to hold open-ended small group or one-on-one
meetings that give each team member the opportunity to share concerns and ideas. ERO Spiral: “It is not
my job to force employees to tell me there apprehensions,” time saved and problems hidden as
undiscussables, employees not sharing critical information, and failed initiatives.
Adjust. Employees are much more likely to be forthcoming when their input is solicited. You must find
ways to draw them out. Taking inventory of the diversity of employees in your workplace and
accommodating their various styles of interacting upward is also important. If you have not done these
things, is it due to lack of time for multiple meetings, avoiding the complications of dealing with the
employee concerns, lack of respect for the employees’ opinions, or fear of being transparent or of
possibly failing in responding to the employee concerns?
Key Behaviors. Key Behaviors for encouraging expression of doubts and concerns are below:36
Develop an efficient and effective method for collaboration and the sharing of ideas that you are comfortable using.
Whatever it is, stick to it. It could be a software tool, small group meetings, or a regular protocol for interactive electronic communication.
Let it be known that participation is welcome and expected.
Specifically ask for concerns, doubts, & fears. Do this repeatedly as the employees will not trust the process yet.
Meet any sharing of ideas, insights, and concerns with positive reinforcement. Never reproach or interrupt.
Assertiveness
Recognize. Managers who are assertive express themselves honestly, openly, and responsibly and are
therefore more effective in creating an open communication culture. Aggressive, passive, or passive-
aggressive communication does not. The first step in becoming more assertive is to understand the
differences between assertive, passive, and aggressive behaviors. A comparison among these three
ways of communicating appears in the table below:
Passive, Assertive, and Aggressive Communication
Passive Assertive Aggressive Intent To please others To communicate to
others To dominate or humiliate others
Verbal behaviors Does not express true wants/feelings or expresses them in a self-depreciative way
Expresses wants/feelings in a direct way
Expresses wants/feelings at the expense of others
Nonverbal Looking away or Direct eye contact, Looking down your
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 20
behaviors down, smiling, clearing throat, soft voice, mumbling or whining
open and relaxed expression, firm and clear voice
nose, staring into the distance, overly loud or sarcastic speech
Communicator’s feelings
Anxious, disappointed with yourself. Angry and resentful later
Confident, feel good about self throughout
Self-righteous, superior
Other person’s feelings
Shamed, disgusted Respect and appreciation
Angry, vengeful, feel used
Outcome Don’t get what you want
Get what you want Get what you want, anger others
Payoff Avoid conflict, tension, confrontation
Feel respected and self-confidence, better relationships
Vent anger, feel superior and in control
Adapted from Chenevert M; Special techniques in Assertiveness Training for Women in the Health Professions. St. Louis: Mosby, 1978.
Admit. All communication has a payoff for the communicator and consequences for the recipient. For
example, when you communicate aggressively, you may vent your anger and feel superior (payoff), but
the recipient may feel humiliated, hurt, and angry (consequence). The recipient may be complying with
your wishes out of fear of your aggression, but later, he may seek revenge and hold a grudge against
you. When you are passive, you don’t get what you want. If you feel anxious or resentful, that usually
means you have communicated passively. How you feel about yourself as you communicate can be a
clue to how you are presenting yourself. ERO Spiral: The leader acts aggressively, gets his way, keeps
doing it, employees become passive-aggressive and disengaged, they sabotage initiatives.
Adjust. Very few people are assertive all the time. Those that live in a hierarchical world can be very
passive-aggressive: passive up and aggressive down. Many of us who are aggressive think we are being
assertive, but we aren’t. Simply ask the recipient how they felt and you may get an indication of where
you stand. No response probably means aggressive on your part. Great leaders communicate in a way
that takes away from neither themselves nor their employees. Note the following main points about
assertive communication:37
Avoid over-apologizing. When saying no or making a request, you do not have to apologize for it.
Avoid adverse reactions such as defensiveness, tantrums, backbiting, slander, sarcasm, and threats.
Use body language that is appropriate to and matches the verbal message (e.g., eye contact, open body posture, gestures, facial expression).
Accept manipulative criticism while maintaining responsibility for your decision. (For example, if you are asked for a favor and you say, “No.” The requester says,”What’s wrong with you, you lent it to me the last time.” You say, “You are right, I did; but, I don’t want to this time.”
Calmly repeat a request or reply without justifying it. Be persistent.
Be honest about feelings, needs, and ideas. Use “I” statements.
Key Behaviors. The key behaviors for assertive communication are below:
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 21
1. Expresses wants, ideas and feelings in a direct and appropriate way. Use “I” statements.
2. Maintain direct eye contact and maintain an open and relaxed stance.
3. Use an appropriately firm, warm, and clear voice.
4. Avoid over-apologizing, avoid defensiveness, or other adverse reactions when challenged, and
always remain respectful. When criticized, accept and/or acknowledge your faults calmly
without apology
5. Look for a win-win situation to resolve the conversation. Calmly repeat what you are saying
without justifying it.
6. Quit the conversation and come back at a later time if you find yourself being passive or
aggressively defensive.
7. Do not think about retaliation or how bad you are for performing poorly, look at the key
behaviors and come back to the conversation and do better.
Handling Complaints
Recognize. You will receive complaints from a variety of sources – customers, employees, peers, bosses,
and vendors. Knowing how to deal with these effectively is important. While some larger employers
have developed dispute resolution and arbitration procedures, informal procedures are often the best
method for leaders. If employees feel that they are being treated with respect and fairness, they are
more likely to accept the resolution you suggest, even if it is not exactly what they wanted or expected.
Admit. Start by getting out of the formal talk - refer to your “chat” with a customer rather than your
“correspondence” with them. Speak to your employees like you care. A little familiarity can go a long
way toward getting folks who complain on your side. Really listen to them.
Great entrepreneurs know every complaint gives them an opportunity to differentiate their company
from others. Only four percent of dissatisfied customers complain; the remainder quietly go away,
without a word. Even worse, they tell at least 274 people of their experience through stories being
passed down across four layers of friends and relatives - social networking just speeds up the process.
Smart leaders make it easy to complain, and then use the complaints to address the causes behind
customers’ or employee’s dissatisfaction. Too many companies ignore their customers because it is too
difficult to change service delivery to match customer’s desires – some manager’s do the same.
Adjust. It is best to actively solicit complaints from employees and customers. Persuading people to
complain could be the best leadership tactic you can make personally. When people complain and their
problems are resolved quickly, a majority are happy and they engage again. If you think you’re doing a
good job because your employees or customers aren’t complaining, think again. Customers and
employees think complaining won’t do any good; complaining is usually difficult and time-consuming:
and they feel awkward or pushy. Most people don’t like to complain so you must go to them, ask, and
listen.
Key Behaviors. Below are the Key Behaviors for Handling Complaints:
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 22
1. Listen openly to the person’s complaint. Do not speak until the person has completed what he or she has to say. Make sure that you understand the problem.
2. Avoid reacting emotionally and don’t get defensive. 3. Ask for his or her expectations about a solution to the problem. Ask the employee what he or
she would like to see in the way of a resolution. 4. Don't make a decision until you have obtained all the facts. If you must talk to others, explain
that to the employee. 5. Discuss and agree on steps to be taken to solve the problem – solve it for them or reward them
for the time it cost them. 6. If the employee's complaint is without merit, explain it to the employee in a pleasant, low-key
manner. If the complaint is sound, thank the employee for calling it to your attention. 7. Set specific deadlines for the actions to be taken. Follow through with corrective action as soon
as possible. 8. Check back after taking action to determine if the issue has been resolved.
FINAL PERSONAL TAKEAWAYS
Action Plan – Communication Culture
Take a few minutes and complete this Action Plan about communication culture.
Communication Culture Self-Handicaps
What is the Situation
Trigger Impact on Others What to Do/When
Basic Communication Issues
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Barriers to Communication
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Transparency
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Saying “I’m Sorry”
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Listening
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Developing & Maintaining Trust
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 23
___Self-Deception ___Look & Listen___________
Blame
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Vulnerability
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Optimism
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Defensiveness
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Expression of Doubt
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Assertiveness
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Handling Complaints
___Expedient ___Avoiding ___Apprehension ___Self-Deception
___Deliberate Action________ ___Self-efficacy_____________ ___Face it _________________ ___Look & Listen___________
Baby Steps This chapter has examined many actionable items – some may be overwhelming. Below are some baby steps that you are start practicing tomorrow in relation to your communication culture. The Baby Steps for this chapter are:
Write down all of the commitments made for one day – track whether done or not – follow up
with person tomorrow explaining why not done
Choose a coworker to have a conversation with and practice paying attention & listening.
Get rid of one thought you keep thinking that is not helpful
Say “I’m sorry” one time sincerely in front of 2 or more people when you foul up some way and
it is all your fault
The Key Behaviors for maintaining attention are: 1. Stop talking – listen to what the person is really saying. 2. Look at the speaker directly and maintain eye contact throughout the conversation.
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 24
3. Do not rush to add to the conversation – process the information before you take your turn to speak.
4. Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention. 5. Help the speaker to feel free to speak. Encourage the speaker with small verbal comments like
yes, and uh huh. (See the Key Behaviors for Listening above)
Here are the Key Behaviors for getting rid on a “bad” thought:
1. Work through the list below to challenge the thought.
Is this thought really true?
How do I know it's true?
What is the evidence for or against this thought?
Is this thought helping me or hurting me?
Who would I be or what could I do if I let go of this thought?
Am I willing to release this thought?
What's the worst that could happen if I let go of this thought? Can I live with that? 2. Find a more appropriate thought and say it over and over until you believe it.
Here are the Key Behaviors for saying “I’m sorry”:
1. Apologize as soon as you realize that you've wronged someone. 2. Say "I'm sorry," or "I apologize" sincerely to express remorse. With full eye contact. 3. Admit responsibility for your actions. 4. Make amends if possible. Don’t give empty promises. 5. Say you will not do it again
Follow Up Questions
1. What are some situations where you should use verbal communication? Written
communication?
2. What are some situations where you tend to use blame when you shouldn’t?
3. How can you create a more trusting culture?
4. How can you open up communication at your organization?
END NOTES 1. Summarized from Phil Decker, Blackboard web site for HADM 5033 Leadership, University of Houston
Clear Lake, 2014. 2. From https://hbr.org/2012/10/the-silent-killer-of-big-companies and http://www.businessperform.com/workplace-communication/poor-communication-costs.html. Downloaded 2-10-15. 3. Adapted from https://hbr.org/2012/10/the-silent-killer-of-big-companies, Downloaded 2-10-15. 4. Summarized from Capitalizing on Effective Communication – How Courage, Innovation and Discipline Drive Business Results in Challenging Times (2010). Towers Watson, originally published by Watson Wyatt Worldwide, http://www.towerswatson.com/assets/pdf/670/NA-2009-14890.pdf, and Survey: Poor Communication Causes Most IT Project Failures (2007). Computerworld Inc.,
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 25
http://www.computerworld.com/s/article/9012758/Survey_Poor_communication_causes_most_IT_pro ject_failures, and Leonard, M., Graham, S. and Bonacum, D. (2004). The Human Factor: The Critical Importance of Effective Teamwork and Communication in Providing Safe Care, Quality and Safety in Health Care, 13, 85-90, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1765783/pdf/v013p00i85.pdf, and Warren Shepel (2005). Health & Wellness Research Database, http://www.shepellfgiservices.com/research/stats.asp, downloaded 3-10-15. 5. Summarized from http://business.uni.edu/buscomm/buscomcourse/ReadingsSummer07/Differences%20in%20Communic ation%20Culture.pdf, downloaded 11-2-14. 6. Summarized from http://www.forbes.com/sites/mikemyatt/2012/02/22/5-keys-to-dealing-with- workplace-conflict/ and http://www.edcc.edu/counseling/documents/Conflict.pdf, downloaded 11-2- 14.
7. See http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-111842042X.html and http://www.pearsonhighered.com/educator/product/Guide-to-CrossCultural- Communications/9780132157414.page 8. Summarized from http://www.ukessays.com/essays/english-language/the-importance-of-effective- written-communication-english-language-essay.php, downloaded 11-2-14. 9. Adapted from http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/nonverbal-communication.html, downloaded 11-2- 14. 10. From http://ezinearticles.com/?Transparent-Leadership---Fostering-a-Culture-of-Trust-and- Transparency&id=2929559, downloaded 11-2-14. 11. From http://www.forbes.com/sites/glennllopis/2012/09/10/5-powerful-things-happen-when-a- leader-is-transparent/, downloaded 11-2-14. 12. Summarized from http://www.jrsconsulting.net/freearticles_20.html, downloaded 11-2-14. 13. Summarized from http://www.reliableplant.com/Read/23472/Seven-steps-transparent- organization and http://leadingwithtrust.com/2012/09/23/four-strategies-to-increase-organizational- trust-and-transparency/ and http://www.forbes.com/sites/jacquelynsmith/2013/10/04/how-to-create- an-authentic-and-transparent-work-environment/, downloaded 11-2-14.
14. See http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 and http://www.amazon.com/Shyness-Social-Anxiety-Workbook-Step/dp/1572245530, downloaded 11-2- 14.
15. Summarized from http://www.succeedsocially.com/, downloaded 11-2-14. 16. Ibid. see Note 15. 17. Adapted from http://www.nursingworld.org/MainMenuCategories/ANAMarketplace/ANAPeriodicals/OJIN/TableofCon tents/Vol152010/No1Jan2010/A-Healthy-Work-Environment-and-You.html, downloaded 3-24-15.
18. From http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/how-to-apologize.htm, downloaded 11-2-14. 19. Summarized from http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/improve-listening-skills-better-manager- 8835.html and http://gvillage.org/gv/index.php/management-tips-21/21-management/50-seven-ways- to-improve-your-listening-skills, downloaded 11-2-14. 20. Ibid. See note 19.
21. Becky J. Starnes, Stephen A. Truhon, and Vikkie McCarthy. Organizational Trust: Employee-Employer Relationships ASQ, Human Development and Leadership Division, Milwaukee, WI 22. Stephen M.R. Covey, The Speed of Trust: The One Thing that Changes Everything. Free Press, 2006. 23. See http://www.thetrustedleader.com/, downloaded 11-2-14. 24. Ibid. See note 23.
SELF-HANDICAPPING LEADERSHIP: The Behaviors Holding Back Employees, Managers, and Companies, and How To Overcome Them
Copyright Phillip J Decker and Jordan Mitchell, 2015. All rights reserved. 26
25. From Dennis Reina and Michelle Reina, Rebuilding Trust in the Workplace: Seven Steps to Renew Confidence, Commitment, and Energy. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2010. 26. Ibid. See note 7. 27. J. S. Kouzes and B.Z. Posner, Credibility: Why Leaders Gain and Lose It, Why People Demand It, Jossey-Bass, Inc., 1993 28. Ibid. See note 25. 29. Abstracted from http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/blameBadBehavior.htm, downloaded 11- 2-14. 30. Summarized from http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/02/19/how-to-own-up-to-mistakes/
31. Taken from http://www.wikihow.com/Accept-Blame-when-You-Deserve-It, downloaded 11-2-14. 32. Summarized from http://www.bhevolution.org/public/overcoming_shame_based_thinking.page 33.From http://www.mosaiconline.ca/during-challenging-times-you-can-learn-to-be-an- optimist/?gclid=CKbr_4r8vb8CFXNo7AodgygA2Q and http://www.prevention.com/mind- body/emotional-health/pessimists-guide-being-optimistic 34. Adopted from http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/1400078393, downloaded 11-2-14 35. Summarized from http://www.businessknowhow.com/growth/defensive.htm and http://www.ridge.com/downloads/DestructDynamicsDefensive.pdf, downloaded 11-2-14. 36. Summarized from http://inpursuitofhappiness.net/blog/2013/03/28/how-to-practice-vulnerability/ and http://www.transformleaders.tv/why-vulnerability-can-be-your-biggest-strength/, downloaded 11- 2-14. 37. Adapted from Alberti RE & Emmons ML: Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Behavior. San Luis Obispo: Impact, 1990.
