Editing My Essay draft
sul118
rayan_alsiba_revised_essay_1_draft.docx[Don’t forget to include a header at the top of each page. Use the “insert page number” feature found in the header area.]
Rayan Alsiba
Brockman
ENGL 1301.04
11 May 2015
Government Surveillance
How would you respond if you knew that you were being monitored every step? Every purchase you do? Any communication you make on your cell phone? [Edit the essay for all uses of “you” and other second person pronouns. Do not use second person pronouns in your essays. Also, I strongly suggest that you revise your opening questions into strong, persuasive statements. Questions are not persuasive, and they are not as strong as a sentence like “American citizens should not be monitored at every step.” Use this sentence as an example of how to revise the questions that you used at the beginning of this paragraph.] To many people, this is uncomfortable, especially if it is the government, which suppose to seek serve and comfort of its people. The citizens might not be in the wrong but in kind of curtails their freedom and makes the society fearful and of any inerasable transaction being tracked. Government access to sensitive information, for instance, financial information is a bother to many and interferes with their privacy. In the case where a drug smuggler is under such investigation, access to his financial statement might be necessary but not subjecting every citizen to the same measure as criminals [Edit this run-on sentence.]. Government [Are you referring to the American government specifically?] should stop using government’s surveillance because it is against their privacy [Who does “their” refer to? Can you be more specific?].
Currently, the security forces such as the FBI, state and local police, firemen and intelligence agency gather incredible information from the American citizens. The data is then used to create massive dossiers in institutions. This is a top-secret process that has no oversight by the court, public or the legislator. But what is disturbing is why treat everybody like a criminal and yet inscribe in books of law that everybody is entitled to freedom of every kind yet there are limits to the same freedom. Governments should stop this type of mean action to its citizens and if it must be done not to some way for every body
The principal lame excuse here has always been the fear of attacks by the terrorist, which is did not stop. This has given the police intelligence the liberty to gather any personal information from the public freely. Yes, they may argue that the information is used for valid reasons as to track political activists, racial divide promoters, and illegal immigrants but does everybody fall in those brackets? The fact that it is directed to everybody whose information is accessible is a nag and should be done with the person's consent if at all it is meant to be for the benefit of the people. Governments undertake suspicion less surveillance that ends up exposing innocents’ people sensitive information. Lack of an act to restrict the power of the government to collect and archive personal information is a tyrannical ruling era. Its intent is to meddle with its citizen’s privacy and the right of speech enshrined in the states constitution. Persistence of these acts to the citizens is a significant risk to development. It instills fear in citizens and hence less development can take place due to the reluctance of citizens to do something’s which may link you to criminal activities even when you are not aware.
[Rayan, so far, your essay draft is much more informative than persuasive. You have explained why and how government surveillance occurs. This is informative in that it provides the audience with information. This is not what a persuasive essay is supposed to do. A persuasive essay should explain all of the reasons why government surveillance of innocent American citizens should not happen. Each body paragraph should explain an individual reason why the surveillance should not occur. In order for your essay to be persuasive rather than informative, you will need to rewrite your body paragraphs. Instead of explaining how surveillance occurs, explain the reasons why it should not happen. Start by making a list of all of the reasons why you believe that government surveillance is wrong or unfair. Then use that list of reasons to create the body paragraphs – one body paragraph for each reason.]
Finally, people are of the opinion that it has reached an era where the whole world governments should consider revising the laws governing the surveillance of personal matters. Governments should understand the task of the government is to protect its citizens i in the best way. There is a great urge by the sovereignty of the citizens to undertake reforms of the laws he best way. There is a great urge by the sovereignty of the citizens to undertake reforms of the laws. Also, there should be limits on the spying activities and allowance of free flow of information across the restrictions to only authorized company for a robust governance system. The freedom and privacy are important as much as the security for people.
