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Smarthinking's E-structor Response Form (Your marked-up essay is below this form.)

HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with revising your paper!

*Strengths of the essay:

Hi Daniela! I am Patricia C., and I will be your e-structor for your fairy tale analysis essay about the fairy tale “Rapunzel”. First of all, I want to commend you for providing background information about the fairy tale in your introduction:

“Rapunzel is a young princess who gets kidnapped by a wicked woman at a very young age. The reason behind this kidnapping is that this wicked woman wants to use the magical powers in Rapunzel’s hair to stay young forever.”

Incorporating those background information gives readers the proper context for your analysis of the fairy tale. Good job! =)

*Daniela 7699280 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis:

Now, let's work on creating a thesis statement in your introduction so that you can provide a clear overview of your discussion regarding “Rapunzel”. At the end of your current introduction, you mentioned that Rapunzel was not aware that she is a princess:

“As a result, Rapunzel grows up thinking that this wicked woman is her real mother and oblivious to the fact that she is actually a princess.”

However, you need to have a thesis statement at the end of your introduction that will give readers an overview of your fairy tale analysis essay. In particular, the thesis should tell readers your main point or claim and supporting discussion points about Rapunzel. Consider these questions when crafting your thesis statement: What is the main point or claim that you want to convey about Rapunzel? What particular aspect of Rapunzel did you tackle in the essay? What are the fairy tale elements and lessons in Rapunzel? To guide you further, take a look at this sample thesis statement:

“Divergent” is a compelling young adult novel with may dark dystopian elements, particularly the unique faction system, the violence that erupts between the factions, and the secret government plot discovered by the characters.

Notice how the thesis statement contains the main point or claim that conveys the topic of the essay (“Divergent” is a compelling young adult novel with may dark dystopian elements) and supporting discussion points that clearly indicate the key points that will be tackled in the essay (the unique faction system, the violence that erupts between the factions, and the secret government plot discovered by the characters). Based on that example, what is the main point and supporting points that you want to convey about Rapunzel? Incorporate those details into a thesis statement so that readers will be guided as to what you will tackle in the fairy tale analysis essay. To learn more about writing a thesis statement, you can consult this link: Lesson 6. Thesis Development

*Daniela 7699280 has requested that you respond to the Content Development:

Next, I suggest that you provide more supporting details in your fairy tale analysis essay so that readers will have a clear grasp of the various fairy tale elements and lessons in Rapunzel. To illustrate, check out these sentences:

“The third aspect of a fairy tale that is present in this story is the triumph of the hero using magical powers. When Rapunzel’s crush gets stabbed, she brings him back to life with her tears. She also defeats her evil kidnapper by cutting off her hair, a process which makes the kidnapper age rapidly until she turns into dust.”

While you clearly mentioned that Rapunzel presents the triumph of the hero using magical powers, it would be ideal to elaborate on that point so that readers will have a clear idea on that aspect or fairy tale element. Consider these questions when developing your content for that area: Who is the “hero” in the story? Why is the character considered the hero? Who is Rapunzel’s crush? Who stabbed him? Why was he stabbed? What circumstances led to her cutting her hair and defeating the evil kidnapper? Consider adding those details so that readers will have a better understanding of the fairy tale elements in Rapunzel.

Grammar & Mechanics:

Finally, there are parts of your fairy tale analysis essay where you need to place commas so that the ideas in the sentence are properly separate from each other. As an example, take a look at this sentence:

“In this case the weak main character is Rapunzel and the insurmountable odds are her kidnapper and the thugs she hires to frustrate Rapunzel’s efforts of finding out who she really is.”

A comma is missing in that sentence. It contains two independent clauses (a.k.a. sentences) with the coordinating conjunction “and” separating them, and in cases like that a comma should have been placed at the end of the first independent clause to complete the separation. One of the functions of commas is to separate two independent clauses that have a coordinating conjunction like “for”, “and”, “nor”, “but”, “or”, “yet”, and “so” in between them. For example:

Beatrice Prior’s family is from the Abnegation faction, but she chose to transfer to the Dauntless faction.

The coordinating conjunction “but” was used to separate the two independent clauses, “Beatrice Prior’s family is from the Abnegation faction” and “She chose to transfer to Dauntless”. However, the coordinating conjunction is not enough. That is why a comma was placed before it to complete the separation. Based on that example, where should a comma be placed in your own sentence? Where are the two independent clauses about Rapunzel? Where is the coordinating conjunction? Check your other sentences to make sure you place commas when needed so that the sentences will be properly structured. To learn more about comma usage, you can consult this link: Lesson 9: Comma Usage

Summary of Next Steps:

Thanks for sharing your essay! Remember these tips when revising to further improve your work:

*Create a thesis statement that will provide an overview of your discussion.

*Provide more supporting details in your fairy tale analysis essay.

*Use commas properly.

I appreciate the chance to work with you on your fairy tale analysis essay, Daniela! I hope my comments will be helpful for you. Good luck with the revision! =) –Patricia C.

Find additional resources in Smarthinking's online library:

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in Smarthinking's student handbooks. You can visit the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook or the Smarthinking ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer's Handbook .

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Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visiting Smarthinking. We encourage you to submit future essays.

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FAIRYTALE ANALYSIS

The fairy tale chosen from this analysis is the story of Rapunzel. [The word “from” means “as of” or “beginning”. That does not seem to fit the meaning that you want to convey in the sentence. What is the correct word to use, which means “used as a function word to indicate purpose”? Make sure that your word choices are correct so that you can clearly convey the right meaning to readers.] Rapunzel is a young princess who gets kidnapped by a wicked woman at a very young age. The reason behind this kidnapping is that this wicked woman wants to use the magical powers in Rapunzel’s hair to stay young forever. She hides Rapunzel in her house in the woods and never allows her to leave the house at all. As a result, Rapunzel grows up thinking that this wicked woman is her real mother and oblivious to the fact that she is actually a princess.

There are various elements of a fairy tale that are present in Rapunzel’s tale. [Well done in focusing on fairy tale elements in this paragraph! Focusing on one topic in each paragraph will help readers focus and follow the discussion with ease, as it makes the essay structured and organized. Keep it up! =)] The first element is a main character that appears weak and is battling insurmountable odds. In this case the weak main character is Rapunzel and the insurmountable odds are her kidnapper and the thugs she hires to frustrate Rapunzel’s efforts of finding out who she really is.  The second aspect is an antagonist with magical powers. This antagonist is Rapunzel’s kidnapper who poses as her mother. Her magical powers are her ability to stay young using Rapunzel’s magical hair. The third aspect of a fairy tale that is present in this story is the triumph of the hero using magical powers. When Rapunzel’s crush gets stabbed, she brings him back to life with her tears. She also defeats her evil kidnapper by cutting off her hair, a process which makes the kidnapper age rapidly until she turns into dust.

The lesson being taught by this fairytale is that cannot be held back from our destiny. Despite all the major obstacles in our lives we can still achieve the greatness that we are meant to achieve. [How did the fairy tale convey that lesson? What particular aspects of the fairy tale or the character show that lesson? Consider adding those details so that readers will have a better understanding on the lessons in the fairy tale.] All we have to do is dare to try just as Rapunzel dared to leave home even after being forbidden from doing so by her evil kidnapper. Kicking a field goal from the 50 yard line

[The conclusion is missing. What are the key points that you discussed about Rapunzel? What are the fairy tale elements and lessons in Rapunzel? What final thoughts or reflections do you want to leave readers about Rapunzel? Create a conclusion that will summarize key points and leave readers with final reflections so that readers will have the proper closure for the fairy tale analysis essay.]