fix an essay

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Smarthinking's E-structor Response Form (Your marked-up essay is below this form.)

HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with revising your paper!

Hi Daniela. Welcome back; I'm Rebecca and I will be working with you on this draft today. I hope my comments are useful to you as you continue to revise!

*Strengths of the essay:

  Daniela, you’ve provided some good background information for the reader, with sentences like this:

King Kong is a very popular character that has had multiple films and television appearances that started from the 1930s, to the latest that premiered in 2005. Most people will associate the Empire State Building as the building King Kong made he’s last stand, which is the location the ad uses.

Here, the reader understands what images King Kong may evoke. Nice work!

Main Idea/Thesis:

I don’t see a clear thesis statement in this paper yet, Daniela. You need to have some sort of guide that helps the reader understand where you will be going with this paper. The thesis statement is usually the last sentence of the introduction paragraph. Right now, this sentence is:

They also relate well to people, as it shows that the company putting out the ad does not take itself seriously in a comical way

Your paper should focus on more than just comedy, though. Try to make sure your thesis contains:

1. your topic (the ad)

1. your stance or point of view on the topic (whether or not it is effective)

1. the direction you’ll take the paper (the pathos, ethos, logos of the ad)

Think about these three elements and try to write a strong thesis statement, so the reader knows what to expect from each paragraph in your paper. For instance, using the numbers above, you might follow this model: ______(1)_________ is __________(2)_____________ because of the ______(3)_____, _____(3)__________, and ____(3)_______.

For more help with this, check out the Smarthinking Handbook, specifically the section on Thesis Development.

*Daniela 7699280 has requested that you respond to the Content Development:

Daniela, the majority of your paper focuses on just one piece of analysis: the image of King Kong. While your analysis of the character and its popularity is strong, you’ve still only focused on one thing. Typically, a rhetorical analysis will focus on the:

- ethos (credibility)

- pathos (emotion)

- logos (proof)

You’ve discussed the pathos already, by indicating the memories or emotions that King Kong might evoke. What else might you add to your paper, so that it is complete?

*Daniela 7699280 has requested that you respond to the Sentence Structure:

There are some comma splices in this paper, Daniela. Instead of using a comma between two complete sentences, try using a semicolon or period, so that your reader understands when one idea is complete and when the next one starts. Armed with this knowledge, let’s tackle one of your sentences:

Although the ad uses a popular character and location, it does use a twist, it shows King Kong being blown away barely hanging onto the Empire State Building.

Here, we have two complete sentences:

1. Although the ad uses a popular character and location, it does use a twist.

2. It shows King Kong being blown away barely hanging onto the Empire State Building.

Instead of using a comma to separate these ideas, you can use either a semicolon or a period to create two complete ideas that are separated from each other. Using this example, be sure to fix your other comma splices, as well. For more help with this, check out the Smarthinking Handbook, specifically the section on Run-ons and Comma Splices.

Summary of Next Steps: Thanks for sharing your paper today, Daniela! I’ve enjoyed working with you. As you revise, here are some tips to consider:

· Develop a thesis

· Write about more than just one aspect of the ad

· Fix the comma splices

Good luck, and keep up the good work!

~Rebecca

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in Smarthinking's student handbooks. You can visit the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook or the Smarthinking ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer's Handbook .

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Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visiting Smarthinking. We encourage you to submit future essays.

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Ad Rhetorical Analysis

Using popular or recognizable characters in advertisements are a fun and effective way to catch people’s attention; they bring positive feedback to companies, and leave a lasting impression. They also relate well to people, as it shows that the company putting out the ad does not take itself seriously in a comical way. [What is your thesis statement, Daniela? What is the main point you will make, and how will you support it?]

Putting out an advertisement with a very popular character using a very recognizable landmark and scene from the character’s film is a great way to catch the attention of consumers as they will feel a familiar feel to the ad. Although the ad does not intend to promote the film, rather the purpose of the advertisement is selling a brand of broadband speed internet.

Through the use of a character that is known and loved by many and seeing the picture in the form that it is, and using humor on the ad, the ad appeals to younger and older audiences alike. King Kong is a very popular character that has had multiple films and television appearances that started from the 1930s, to the latest that premiered in 2005. Most people will associate the Empire State Building as the building King Kong made he’s last stand, which is the location the ad uses. Although the ad uses a popular character and location, it does use a twist, it shows King Kong being blown away barely hanging onto the Empire State Building. This is associated to the internet by mixing movie streaming with fast internet. Therefore the ad will make sense with selling broadband internet.

Although the ad appeals to a wide range of people, the ad assumes that everybody will understand the picture. To people who have not watched the films, or are not familiar with the character, the ad simply shows a large ape being blown away by wind that is moving very fast, though that symbolizes the download speed to watch a movie, to these people the ad will make no sense at all. [ This is an example of a run-on sentence caused by a comma splice. When you start a new idea, be sure to start a new sentence, as well.]

Although the ad is appealing and funny, the ad may upset consumers if the internet provided is not as fast as advertised. They may sense a feel of betrayal and offense due to the company using a beloved well known character. On the long term, if what is promised in the advertisement is not true, then people will end up resenting the advertisement and by extension, the company.

The use of this ad is a very appealing idea due to the familiarity of the character, and what it is selling since streaming movies on the internet is now a very popular and easy way of entertainment, and although the ad may not appeal to every single person, it does reach a wide range of people.