fix an essay

SMARTHINKING's E-structor Response Form (Your marked-up essay is below this form.)

HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing SMARTHINKING's OWL; best wishes with revising your paper!

Welcome, Daniela! My name is Elizabeth R. I’ll be helping you with strengthening your essay about the benefits of eco-friendly automobiles.

*Strengths of the essay:

You included an attention getting statistic in your introduction:

1. Automobiles are one of the major contributors to pollution and to the depletion of fossil fuels, due to there being over 1 billion vehicles being used worldwide.

The stunning number of automobiles in the world grabs your readers’ attention and convinces them that eco-friendly cars are important.

Main Idea/Thesis:

A clear thesis statement would enhance your paper, Daniela, so that your reader knows exactly what it will be about, why you are writing it, and how you will organize it. The thesis statement is usually the last sentence of the introduction, but the sentence you have at the end of the introduction is part of the background information about the problem.

What is the focus of your essay? What is your purpose? What are the specific benefits of eco-friendly automobiles that you will write about? Here’s an example of a thesis statement about something the writer wants to argue is harmful: Computer games (topic) are harmful (reason for writing) because they are addictive, promote violence, and take children away from the real world (structure points). You have mentioned the lack of pollution as a benefit. What other benefits could you list?

Write a thesis statement similar to my model about the benefits of eco-friendly automobiles. For further help, you can refer to this lesson in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook on Thesis Development

Organization:

Daniela, you can help to make your essay more focused by linking each paragraph back to the thesis statement in the last sentence. This works a bit like a conclusion for the paragraph: it shows why this main point is important to the overall discussion. It also strengthens your argument by creating paragraph unity. Here’s the final sentence for your paragraph about the running costs of eco-friendly automobiles:

1. Eco-friendly automobiles that are fully electric do not require oil for the engine, therefore eliminating oil changes.

You have ended the paragraph with an example about saving on oil rather than an overall conclusion. What could you add to sum up and remind your reader about the cost benefits of eco-friendly cars? What would reinforce the point that the later savings offset the initial cost? What are all the savings you mentioned? What is the point you are making in the paragraph?

Daniela, ensure that your thesis statement is recognizable in the last sentence of each paragraph.

*Daniela 7699280 has requested that you respond to the Sentence Structure:

I see you’ve requested help with sent structure, but I can handle only one lower order concern in my response. I’ve discussed a comma splice in an embedded comment. You can find more about comma splices by following this link: Run-ons and Comma Splices

*Daniela 7699280 has requested that you respond to the Word Choice:

You have used the expression “due to” four times in your paper. This is repetitive, and it is not good academic style. Here is an example where you could rephrase your sentence:

1. Due to the materials eco-friendly automobiles are built with, they tend to weigh less, making them more maneuverable and easier to handle

“Due to” introduces an adjectival phrase and must qualify a noun or pronoun. The phrase is correctly used as follows: “Her success is due to hard work.” “Due to hard work” describes “success.” “Due to” should not begin a sentence. Rather use “because/because of,” “on account of,” or “as a result of.” You need to look for ways to revise sentences that use “due to.” Here is an example:

Due to the amount of food she eats, she tends to be overweight. Corrections: Because of the amount of food she eats, she tends to be overweight. The amount of food she eats makes her overweight. She is overweight as a result of the amount of food she eats.

What change will you make to your sentence to avoid using “due to”? Where else can you revise this awkward phrase?

Summary of Next Steps:

Please work on these points to develop your essay:

1. Write a detailed and specific thesis statement

1. Conclude each paragraph with a restatement of your main idea

1. Revise sentences with “due to”

Thank you for sharing your knowledge of the benefits of eco-friendly automobiles with me, Daniela. Good luck with your revision! Elizabeth R.

Find additional resources in SMARTHINKING's online library:

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in SMARTHINKING's student handbooks. You can visit the SMARTHINKING Writer's Handbook or the SMARTHINKING ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer's Handbook .

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Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visiting SMARTHINKING. We encourage you to submit future essays.

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With over usage of natural resources and concerns about environmental changes, there has been a surge in eco-friendly technology, one of the most effective being electric and hybrid automobiles. [The second comma creates a comma splice because you have joined two sentences that could stand alone using only a comma. You can either separate the sentences with a period or semicolon or join them with a comma and a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). Which method will you use to punctuate the sentences correctly?] Automobiles are one of the major contributors to pollution and to the depletion of fossil fuels, due to there being over 1 billion vehicles being used worldwide.

With so many vehicles being used worldwide, especially in over-populated cities, pollution is a major concern. [If your essay is about benefits of eco-friendly cars, the topic sentence of each sentence should mention a benefit. These keeps your reader focused on the subject. What benefit associated with pollution with you mention?] In areas where traffic-jams are a regular thing, automobiles remain with their engines on, burning fuel for a long period of time. This produces large amounts of carbon that is thrown into the atmosphere as carbon dioxide. The carbon dioxide traps rays from the sun, therefore making temperatures rise. Eco-friendly automobiles completely reduce the emission of carbon dioxide since they run on electricity or batteries, with a few using gasoline as a back-up power source, which still is more environmental than a standard automobile.

Although eco-friendly automobiles tend to have a higher price tag at the dealership, they do have many advantages that make them more economical on the long run. To begin with, as they become more mass produced, retail prices will drop, also, the government gives you tax deductions if you buy an eco-friendly vehicle. Although gas prices have recently dropped, the price of electricity is still cheaper and more stable, electricity is also produced domestically, unlike gasoline. Eco-friendly automobiles that are fully electric do not require oil for the engine, therefore eliminating oil changes. [You have illustrated the point in your topic sentence well with good examples of how long-term running costs are cheaper. Supporting your points with examples makes them convincing.]

Due to the materials eco-friendly automobiles are built with, they tend to weigh less, making them more maneuverable and easier to handle. They also do not need the transmission to make the engine run at full power as they can function efficiently at any speed due to the lack of gasoline. Eco-friendly vehicles also wear down less than standard cars due to the lack of maintenance they require. [Your essay ends abruptly, so you will need to write a conclusion in which you summarize and sum up what you have said in order to remind your reader of your main arguments. What are the main points you made about the benefits of eco-friendly vehicles?]