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psy_101_12-2-14_attraction_and_relationships_jm_final.pptxPSY 101: The Psychology of Personal Development
12/2/14 Agenda
Attraction & Relationships
SRJ: What attracts us?
4 Theories of Attraction/Relationships
In-Class Activity
SRJ Exercise: What do we find attractive?
In your Self-Reflection Journal, jot down a list of at least five things you look for in a potential romantic partner (just list the 5 things that first pop into your head).
Looking over your list, identify the 2-3 things you think would be most important to you in choosing a partner.
Why are the features you listed important to you?
What traits/qualities do we find attractive, and why?
Class and instructor examples:
Confidence, dark hair, creative talent, good with money, funny, etc
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What attracts us to potential mates?
Science/Evolution
Psychological Principles
Attachment Theory
Imago
John Gottman
The science of attraction, continued
-Procreation
evolution (sexual selection)
beauty = health & fertility
bilateral symmetry – indicates lack of exposure to stressors
low hip: waist ratio – ideal hormone levels, less susceptibility to disease, less complications with childbearing
pheromones – genetically similar but want mates with a different kind of immune system gene (Major Histocompatibility Complex, MHC). The combo of two types of MHC genes helps offspring fight disease more easily
Limitations of this perspective
-Does not include psychological or emotional perspectives
-Applies to heterosexual individuals, and not to LGBTQQIA (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual)
-Other limitations?
Attachment theory: a crash course
John Bowlby & Mary Ainsworth – studied and observed cases of maternal deprivation in 1940s & 1950s. Emphasis on family relationships rather than internal conflicts and other psychoanalytic principles.
Attachment Styles
Secure
Avoidant (sometimes called Dismissing-Avoidant)
Anxious (sometimes called Preoccupied)
Ambivalent (sometimes called Anxious-Avoidant or Fearful-Avoidant)
Attachment as “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” – Bowlby
Bowlby studied separation anxiety and distress in children separated from caregivers. Attachment is characterized by clear behavioral and motivation patterns – when children are scared, they seek proximity from their primary caregiver in order to be soothed. The ways in which children differ in approaching caregivers, being soothed once in proximity, and then exploring away from the caregiver all give clues to attachment style.
Secure: Comfortable with intimacy & autonomy
Dismissive: Dismissing of intimacy & strongly independent
Preoccupied: Preoccupied with relationships
Fearful: Fearful of intimacy & socially avoidant
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This figure shows attachment as a spectrum rather than a set of categories. So along the continuum of avoidance and anxiety you fall into one of 4 quadrants but may be at a different place in the quadrant depending on the relationship. Think of attachment as the ways in which we navigate distance and closeness with loved ones. If you are someone that thinks about your partner all the time and worry about your relationship, you fall more on the high anxiety end. Then, depending on whether or not you approach intimacy or avoid it, you’ll fall in different places on the avoidance spectrum.
Secure = secure
Preoccupied = anxious
Dismissing-Avoidant = avoidant
Fearful-Avoidant = ambivalent
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Why are we talking about the relationships between children and their parents?
-research on adult attachment began in 1970s
-”people end up in relationships with partners who confirm their existing beliefs about attachment relationships (Frazier et al., 1997)” – Chris Fraley, U of Illinois
-the “anxious-avoidant” trap
-while early attachment patterns influence adult attachment in romantic partnerships, other factors are involved which may be protective
-attachment styles can change with time (4 years) –Levine & Heller, Attached
How does knowledge about attachment help?
For partnered folks:
-knowing your attachment style and your partner’s attachment style can you help you navigate conflict
-increase awareness of triggers
-increase awareness of needs and ways of getting them met
-dialogue about coping and conflict resolution based on new knowledge
For single folks:
-knowing your attachment style can help you make choices about your next romantic mate
For everyone:
-looking back at past relationships can help you get a sense of what did and didn’t work for you
-is there a pattern in who you end up in relationships with?
Triggers/Needs: distance and/or closeness
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Imago theory and the psychology of attraction
Imago: our unconscious image of love
We are attracted to the familiar. Dynamics or traits in potential mates that remind us (often unconsciously) of dynamics or traits in our early love relationships with parents/caretakers/siblings have a magnetic quality. Some hypothesize that we reenact early dynamics in an attempt to resolve these conflicts.
-Pat Love & Sunny Shulkin, The Family Journal
Class: Reactions to this way of viewing attraction?
Read vignette about Cyndie
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Pick project provoke
-Pick: Case example – Cyndie
we may unconsciously choose mates that resemble our early relationships
-Project -> Provoke: Case example – Suzie
we may be so wedded to our imago prototypes that we project traits onto our partners and then provoke them into becoming what we seek
Tips from pat love & sunny schulkin
-be cautious and move slowly when the attraction is intense
-accept your partner for who/how he or she is, even if it is in conflict with your imago
-be curious about your partner’s choices and/or imago
-check yourself for projections
-take ownership over your own negative traits
John Gottman on conflict
Signs of trouble
Harsh criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Flooding-being overwhelmed by negative emotions
Bad memories
Tips for success
Edit yourself-avoid being overly critical
Don’t escalate conflicts
Accept influence from partner
Turn toward each other
Learn to repair and exit arguments
Nurture fondness
Limitation: Study was focused solely on heterosexual couples, does not reflect population at large
Refresh on Wiseman reading for this portion
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In-class activity: Dating in the new millennium
In small-groups answer and discuss the following questions:
What perspectives discussed today are most salient for you?(Biological/Evolutionary, Attachment Theory, “Imago”, John Gottman). Give specific examples and relate them to the theories presented in the lecture.
What are the differences you see between your parents relationships (and other older generations – grandparents, older siblings) and your own generations relationships? What factors influence your perspective(s) on relationships?
