rey article

Having It All: The Professional Mother’s Dilemma

Clarice J. Kestenbaum

Abstract:The notion that professional women can “have it all”—career and children— has been disputed in the current popular literature. A brief review of recent findings presents evidence that many couples successfully manage the dual challenge of work and family. Clinical vignettes from a group of professionals/mothers are presented with suggested “rules” for success. We have come a long way from the days when it was taken for granted (mostly by our grandfathers) that women’s place is only in the home.

Today many professional women have broken the glass ceiling. A few high-achieving women have gained the same status in professional life as men. The wage earner traditionally has been the source of power. Thus male dominance has given way, in some professional women’s families, to a more egalitarian balance of family power. Nevertheless, despite gains in women’s status, a spate of books and articles has appeared recently that refutes the no- tion that a woman can have a successful marriage, family, and a career. These authors clearly state that something has to give. In her book, Creating A Life (2002), Sylvia Hewlett notes that 42% of women in corporate America are childless at age 40 (compared to 25% of men), but only 14% planned to be. She presents vignettes of disappointed professional women who began ca- reers early and failed to conceive later despite thousands of dollars spent in fertility clinics. In The Bitch in the House (Hanauer, 2002) 26 women discuss their feelings about sex, solitude, work, motherhood, and marriage. Most of them seem decidedly unhappy with their lot in life.

In this article I describe professional mothers who succeeded in having children and who chose to work, not out of necessity, but because of a wish to achieve a professional goal; they represent, however, only a fraction of the 62 million American women who comprise the work force.

THE FACTS

The majority of women who work do so because they must. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, in 1999 fully 77% of women aged 25–54 were

Journal of The American Academy of Psychoanalysis and Dynamic Psychiatry, 32(1), 117–124, 2004 © 2004 The American Academy of Psychoanalysis and Dynamic Psychiatry

Clarice J. Kestenbaum, M.D., professor of clinical psychiatry, Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons.

in the labor force, up from 57% in 1976. Overall, women now make up 47% of the American workforce. Despite the fact the percentage of women in top positions rose from 39% to 45%, high-echelon women earn only 62% of the male wage (Hewlett, p. 134). In the year 2000 women held 4% of all the high- est paid positions. Hewlett questions the reason few American women are ris- ing to the top. She states that unlike most advanced industrial democracies, we do not have policies that support working mothers. The years between ages 25 and 35 are important years in developing careers. Women who leave the job market during those years to have children have difficulty reentering the job force.

During the past decade the literature on the relationship between work and the family has grown considerably, largely based on studies of Caucasian middle-class women. These studies address issues such as the subjective ex- periences in the dual role employee/parent and women’s psychological dis- tress (Barnett, Marshall, and Sayer, 1992). A rewarding work experience mit- igates the distress associated with a troubled mother–child relationship. Other researchers study the amount of time working mothers spend with their chil- dren and the well being of both mothers and children (Bianchi, 2000). Bianchi states that employed mothers today seek ways to maximize time with their children. Within marriages, fathers are spending more time with their children than in the past, thus increasing the total time children spend with a parent even as the mother spends more time away from home.

In 1986 I wrote a paper entitled “The Professional Woman’s Dilemma: Love And/Or Power.” I observed at that time,

The dilemma for the professional woman is compounded by the fact that she has few models with whom to identify. She has undoubtedly known older women, perhaps a mother or grandmother, who were nurturing and supportive, and mentors in the guise of teachers or physicians who were capable and inde- pendent. She may or may not have been fortunate enough, however, to have a mother who was both a model mother and a successful professional woman. Women who wish to pursue both career and family must develop a dual iden- tity: one that is related to maternal behavior, nurturance, empathy, and altruism, and one that is related to competition, assertiveness, and achievement. Those women who achieve the integration of both mental sets have had close bonds with mothers who were supportive of their endeavors to succeed in both aspects of their lives. (pp. 19–20)

Moulton (1977) studied young women anxious about their dual role. These women often experience performance anxiety, difficulty in fighting for their rights when faced with hostility, and conflict between personal and profes- sional identities. More recently, Spurlock (1995) discussed the multiple roles of working mothers and described the variables in different sets of responsi- bilities that either impeded or promoted psychological growth of the individ-

118 KESTENBAUM

ual mother. The multiplicity and overlapping of roles, she observed, often promote conflict and stress. Weber (1999) also noted that employed mothers must constantly juggle and balance the multiple roles they face on a daily basis, which can be overwhelming. Haddock, Zimmerman, Ziemba, and Cur- rent (2001), in contrast to the papers depicting almost insurmountable prob- lems working mothers faced, actually offer advice for women experiencing the dual role dilemma. In their paper “Ten Adaptive Strategies For Family and Work Balance: Advice from Successful Families” they found that 47 middle class, dual earner couples with children successfully managed family and work. These successful couples structured their lives around 10 major strategies: “valuing family, striving for partnership, deriving meaning from work, maintaining work boundaries, focusing and producing at work, taking pride in dual earning, prioritizing family fun, living simply, making decisions proactively, and valuing time (p. 445).

THE GROUP

Armed with the facts I’ve been discussing, I decided to explore the work- ing mothers’ dilemma myself. I have been conducting seminars for psychi- atric residents and recent graduates for years, many who were combining par- enting with practice. “How did you do it?” they always ask—“where is the rulebook on having it all?” (They were referring to the extremely successful 1995 book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, The Rules: Time Tested Se- crets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, practically the bible for many young women.) Since I was working with some very accomplished profes- sional women who were married with children, I realized that they shared similar problems: how to divide their time between the multiple tasks of homemaking and the multiple duties in the work place. Ten such women ex- pressed their willingness to meet as a group in addition to their individual ses- sions. The women ranged in age from 38–50 and held prestigious positions in industry, banking, medicine, law, and art. For years many of them had been dealing successfully with problems such as competing in a man’s world, breaking through the glass ceiling, and choosing the right partner for achiev- ing their goals at work and at home.

ILLUSTRATIVE VIGNETTES

Mary, 42, mother of two children aged 7 and 9, has been working for 18 years as an executive in a high-powered public relations firm. Childless for 10 years, her husband, a lawyer, was very accepting of a lifestyle that necessi- tated her being away from home several times a month on business. Follow-

HAVING IT ALL 119

ing the birth of her first child, Mary found “the perfect live-in housekeeper” to help with the childcare. Moreover, both sets of grandparents lived near by. Neither Mary’s mother nor her mother-in-law had ever held a job outside the home. Mary was considered to be a top-notch executive in her business and took pride in her achievement. Following the birth of a second child, she began to feel increasing stress as she tried to manage home and job. She felt that she lived in a pressure cooker and began having panic attacks. Should she provide cookies for the nursery school bake sale? Could she spend an extra day out of town because a client needed her expertise? Both children were healthy and thriving, yet if one became ill when she was out of town, she wor- ried incessantly, anxiously calling her husband, the grandparents, and the pe- diatrician. She had difficulty concentrating at work. Finally Mary decided to drop one day of work so that she could spend three days a week at home. Mary felt guilty in both settings, never believing she did enough. “When I’m with the children I think of work, and when I’m at work, I think how much my children need me.” Both grandmothers said little, but Mary felt they cast a disapproving eye on her efforts to be “super mom.”

One of the group members brought a copy of a current best-seller to share with the group, I Don’t Know How She Does It, by Alison Pearson (2002). The book describes Helen Reddy, an English working, mother and is hilari- ously funny and poignantly sad at the same time. Pearson’s novel resonated with every member of the group. The heroine’s New Year’s resolution offers a sample:

Must Remember: New Year’s Resolutions Adjust work-life balance for healthier, happier existence. Get up an hour earlier to maximinize time available. Spend more time with your children. Learn to be self with children. Don’t take Richard for granted! Entertain more—Sunday lunch & so on. Relaxing hobby? Learn Italian. Take advantage of London: theaters, Tate Modern, etc. Stop canceling stress-busting treatments. Start a present drawer like proper organized mother. Attempt to be size 10. Personal trainer? Call friends, hope they remember you. Ginseng, oily fish, no wheat. Sex? New dishwasher. Helena Rubinstein Autumn Bonfire? (p. 5–6)

120 KESTENBAUM

Mary expressed guilt about not spending enough time with her family, al- though several members of the group pointed out that she spent more actual time with her children than many full time homemakers who vacationed with- out their children and spent their time in social and volunteer activities not in- cluding shopping and the beauty parlor. (Mary shopped from catalogues and always went on vacations with the entire family.)

Diane experienced a different set of problems. She was one of a handful of female CEOs of an investment-banking firm who earned far more than her husband. She married at age 40 for the sole purpose of starting a family. Her 38-year-old husband gave up his job to stay at home with the children. He spent most of his time, Diane complained, visiting with friends, playing ten- nis, and criticizing the hired help. Diane became resentful about carrying the burden of a 60-hour workweek plus the household management. She felt like “a mother of three,” she said—two biological children plus one husband.

Two other group members shared Diane’s concerns: Helen, a hard work- ing pediatrician, mother of three, had married a graphic designer who agreed to work at home, as a househusband. Helen was always exhausted, resentful of her husband’s “freedom” to perform work as a freelance designer anytime he chose.

Laura, the oldest member of the group, was a Wall Street banker. Her hus- band, 15 years her senior, retired early and spent his time chauffeuring their teenage children to their various activities as well as golfing and sailing with his own friends. Laura was deeply unhappy in her marriage but was unwilling to change her life “for the sake of the children.”

Lenore, a lawyer with a large firm, had managed her dual role with ease until it became apparent that one of her children was having developmental problems. She took a year’s leave from work to help her 7-year-old son get appropriate evaluation and treatment before returning to a part-time, in- house position.

Kelly, 41, was a professional photographer, mother of a 6-year-old boy, twice divorced, and was engaged to a freelance journalist who had custody of a teenage daughter. Her problem was one of organization: how to make enough time in the studio, meet clients, arrange for play dates, attend school conferences, and select appropriate child care workers. Always on the run, she felt she didn’t have time to breathe.

THE RULES

The women found the group sessions gratifying in that they could share common experiences. Over the course of a year they compiled a rule book of their own: The Rules for Working Mothers.

HAVING IT ALL 121

Rule (1) Choose your parents with care. It is best to be genetically predis- posed to good health, high energy, a sense of humor, flexibility, and problem- solving ability. A little obsessiveness goes a long way. As I noted earlier, a woman is fortunate if her own mother served as a role model and worked out- side the home. Most of the women in the group were the first high-achieving women in their families.

Rule (2) Choose your partner with care. I used to tell female medical stu- dents, “If you are on a date with a man and he says, ‘of course, you’re going to give up all this when you have children,’ run, don’t walk to the nearest exit. Life is too short to expect him to change.” Today, however, men are far more accepting of their wives’ having interesting careers and are more likely to share in homemaking and parenting.

Many working women hope that their husbands will share homemaking responsibilities on a 50-50 basis. We have not yet arrived at a time in history when this is possible. Perhaps the next generation will witness a truly equal partnership. I believe 60-40 or even 70-30 is a more realistic goal for working women whose husbands share parenting responsibilities. When, however, a couple decides that the wife will be the primary breadwinner and the husband remain home with the children, the decision must be carefully thought through so that both partners are comfortable with the plan. Diane Ehrensaft (1983) said it well:

Shared parenting is an important political effort. It challenges an oppressive feature of the family—the universality of motherhood. Shared parenting frees women from the dual burden of paid and unpaid work, affords men access to the growth and development of children and children access to the growth and development of men, and helps to eliminate gender-linked divisions between males and females that reproduce the sex-gender system. . . . We need to re- structure social responsibility for children so that not only mothers and fathers, but also non-family-members have access to and responsibility for the care of children. (p. 59)

One of the best partnerships I encountered was achieved by a lesbian cou- ple, a physician and a lawyer. Both women were in their mid-30s and had been together for five years. Each had given birth by artificial insemination the year before I met them. They shared in the child care and worked profes- sionally half time. They had planned to share all aspects of their lives with great care and were content with their arrangement.

Rule (3) Choose the nanny with great care. The minute children arrive, they instantly become the number-one priority. This rule applies to fathers as well as mothers, but traditionally it has been the mothers’ chief concern. When the mother works, the “substitute mother” we call by a variety of names—baby nurse, baby-sitter, housekeeper, au pair, governess, nanny— has to be responsible for the welfare of the children. It is better to have one

122 KESTENBAUM

care giver than multiple baby-sitters. She must be mature, intelligent, reliable, trustworthy, and able to handle any emergency. Even if every penny the mother earns goes toward child care—this includes quality day care or nurs- ery school—it is worth it for the parents’ peace of mind.

The common problems shared by group members included the following:

What if the nanny’s parenting style, especially regarding discipline, is dif- ferent from mine?

What if the baby becomes more attached to her than to me? What if she takes over as if she is the real mother?

The home helper is a hired worker. The parents decide how they want the child to be reared. There should be a good fit between the helper and the fam- ily; otherwise the arrangement won’t work. If a parent spends “quality time” each day with a child, reading, playing games, enjoying bed time rituals, the child soon learns to differentiate between the real parents who don’t leave, and the nanny who does. A child’s attachment to someone outside the family can be very positive and is not a reason to fire the nanny, as one mother did, fearing the bond was too strong. There are many other reasons to change the household help. I was once consulted by a couple who said they had absolute proof that the baby sitter, adored by their four year old, was stealing money. “How can we get rid of her,” sobbed the mother, “when Marjorie loves her so.” I told her, “You can’t have a thief in the house. Get rid of her today. Tell your daughter that the nanny had to go home to her own mother, or whatever you want to tell her. She will get over it.” And she did.

The choice of a caregiver is even more important for children with special needs; such children demand greater care, planning, and more parental in- volvement.

Rule (4) Compromise. There are times when a professional mother must give up an extra day of work or take a less exhausting job and travel much less if her work demands her being away from home a good part of the time. A general surgeon can make 6:00 A.M. ward rounds, but such a schedule is often too difficult if she has young children. A female surgeon may choose a less taxing sub-specialty such as ophthalmology so that she can arrange her work day more suitably.

On the home front, a mother doesn’t need to have the most beautifully kept house on the block, nor prepare every dish for the school cookout herself. Something has got to go.

Rule (5) Compartmentalize. The most successful women in the group were those who were able to divide their work time and home time with little over- lap. When a mother spends even an hour a day (quality time) with her chil- dren, she should not allow interruptions by phone calls or work pressures ex- cept for emergencies. The same rule should apply to her profession. A woman

HAVING IT ALL 123

who works at home should have a proverbial “do Not disturb: Working Mother” sign on her door—just as though she were away in another part of town. As I noted earlier, a little obsessiveness goes a long way.

CONCLUSION

The women in our group found the sessions very helpful. The participants described their own personal difficulties with home and work, and helped others with suggestions for solving their problems. For example, Mary and Kelly learned to keep separate lists for each sector of their lives. “Lighten up, suggested the entire group. The women dissatisfied with their husbands’ fail- ures to be true partners, in their view, became more open in discussing their frustration at home. Diane and Helen opted for couple’s therapy with their husbands and reportedly the intervention was successful.

The “Rules for Working Mothers” are not written in stone, but constitute a guide for women who want to “have it all.” But what is “all”? Sharing in child rearing and sharing a gratifying work experience with a loving partner leads to a fuller, richer life experience. This should be the true meaning of “having it all.”

References

Barnett, R. C., Marshall, N. L., and Sayer, A. (1992), Positive-spillover effects from job to home: A closer look, Women’s Health, 19(2–3), 13–41.

Bianchi, S. M. (2000), Maternal employment and time with children: Dramatic change or surpris- ing continuity? Demoqraphy, Nov., 37(4) 401–414.

Ehrensaft, D. (1983), When women and men mother, in J. Trebilgot (ed.), Mothering: Essays in Feminist Theory, Rowman and Littlefield, Savage, Maryland, pp. 41–61.

Fein, E., and Schneider (1995), The Rules. Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, Warner Books, New York.

Haddock, S. A., Zimmerman, F. S., Ziemba, S.S., and Current, L. R. (2001), Journal of Marital Family Therapy, Oct; 27(4), pp. 445–458.

Hanauer, C. (2002), The Bitch in the House, C. Hanauer and W. Morris (eds.), HarperCollins, New York.

Hewlett, S. A. (2002), Creating a Life. Professional Women and the Quest for Children, Hyper- ion, New York.

Kestenbaum, C. J. (1986), The professional woman’s dilemna; love and/or power, American Journal of Psychoanalysis, 46(1), pp. 15–21.

Moulton, R. (1977), Some effects of the new feminism, American Journal of Psychiatry, 134(1), 1–6.

Pearson, A. (2002), I Don’t Know How she Does It: The Life of Kate Reddy. Working Mother, Alfred A. Knopf, New York.

Spurlock, J. (1995), Health Care Women Int., Nov-Dec; 16(6), 501–508. Weber, G. J. (1999), The experimental meaning of well-being for employed mothers, Western

Journal of Nursing Research, Dec. 21(6), pp. 785–795.

15 West 81st, Apt. 14B New York, NY 10024

124 KESTENBAUM

Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission.