Literature Essay on gender and sexuality representations in selected Juiot Diaz's and Sandra Cisneros' short stories

tile attemprs to reconcile their dual roles as men (in the eyes of their families) and as mere boys (in the eyes of the outside world). . . . There's a rot of artistry in this book, and where there is art, there is always hope.,,

-Au stin American- Starc sman

"Remarkable . . . His styre is succinct and unadorned, yet the effect is lush and vivid, and after a few lines you are rhere with him, living in his documen tarf this nar- ration running through your head armost rike your own thoughts. . . . Vignerres . . . observed with depth and tenderness but most of all with a simpre honesry that rings as clear and true as a wind chime.,,

-Tbe Dallas Morning Neus

"Mesmerizingly honesr, heart-breaking and full of promise . . . Tales of life among the excluded classes of the diaspora, they tread fearlessly where resser writers gush and politiciz!-which is exactly theirpolirical and aesthetic power." _S,i Magazine

"Remarkable. " -Entertainment Weeklv

"The talent is strong and individuar. . . .Diaz,slanguage is careful and astringenr. . . powerful and revelarory.,,

-Houston Cbronicle

"A powerful writer.Diaz makes no apologies.,, .Albuquerque

Journal

M t- /'t,rLl )

"M e ^)o tldt .

ry

'ii:iv.$ii{i,iii is.i/#-a.ii':.n*

L*,u + Jl*T n

iJur{o T ofe

"Ysrael' and "Fiesta, 1980" first appeared in Srory magazine. 'Drown" and "How to Date a Browngirl, Blackgirl, Whitegirl, or Halfie" first appearedinThe New Yorker. "Boyfriend" first appeared in Time Out New York, "Edison, New Jersey" first appeared in The Paris Reuieut.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used ficritiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

Riverhead Books Published by The Berkley Publishing Group A division of Penguin Putnam Inc. 375 Hudson Street New York, New York 10014

Copyright @ 1996 by Junot Diaz Book design by Junie Lee Cover design by Lisa Amoroso Front cover photograph @ by Ken Schles Photograph of the author @ by Marion Ettlinger

All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may nor be reproduced in any form without permission.

Riverhead hardcover edition: August 1995 First Riverhead trade paperback edition: July 1997 Riverhead trade paperback edition ISBN: 1-57322-606-8

The Penguin Putnam Inc. Vorld Wide \feb sire address is h ap ://www. penguin p u tnam. com

. The Library of Congress has catalogued the Riverhead hardcover edition as follows: Dfaz, Junot

Drown{unor Diaz. p . c m .

ISBN 1-57322-041,-8 1. Doririnican Republic-social life and cusroms-Fiction.

NewJersey-Social life and customs-Fiction. 3. Dominican Americans-New Jersey-Fiction. L Title. P S 3 5 5 4 . 1 2 s 9 D 7 5 1 9 9 6 8 1 3 ' . 5 4 - d c 2 0 9 6 - 7 8 3 6 2 C I P

Printed in the United Srates of America

1 0 9 8

Pare ni !xed.re, V i r t u d e s D t a z

{b

2 0 D R O W N

milky. The autobus was heading for Ocoa, not for

home.

Rafa signaled for a stop. Get ready to run, he whis-

pered.

I said, OK.

v

&

Mami's youngest slst er-my tfa Yrma-finally made it to the Unired Stares rhat year. She and tfo Miguel got themselves an aparrment in the Bronx, off the Grand Concourse and everybody decided that we should have a party. Actually, ffiI pops decided, but everybod/-m€aning Mami, tia Yrma, tio Miguel and their neighbors-thought it a dope idea. On the after- noon of the party Papi came back from work around six. Right on time. \(e were all dressed by rhen, which was a smart move on our part. If Papi had walked in and caught us lounging around in our underwear, he would have kicked our asses something serious.

He didn't say nothing to nobodlr nor even my moms. He just pushed pasr her, held up his hand when she tried to talk to him and headed right into the shower. Rdfa gave me rhe look and I gave it back to him; we both knew Papi had been with that Puerto Rican woman he was seeing and wanted to wash off the evi- dence quick.

8 1 e s t a , 1 9 8 0 2 ,

2 4 D R O W N

Mami looked really nice that day. The United States

had finally put some meat on her; she was no longer the

same f\acawho had arrived here three years before. She

had cut her hair short and was wearing tons of cheap-

ass jewelry which on her didn't look too lousy. She

smelled like herself, like the wind through a tree. She

always waited until the last possible minute to Put on

her perfume because she said it was a waste to spray it

on early and then have to sPray it on again once you

got to the party.

\fe-meaning me, my brother, my little sister and

Mami-waited for Papi to finish his shower. Mami

seemed anxious, in her usual dispassionate way. Her

hands adjusted the .buckle of her belt over and over

again. That morning, when she had goffen us up for

school, Mami told us that she wanted to have a $rod time at the party.I want to dance, she said, but now,

with the sun sliding out of the sky like spit off a wall,

she seemed ready just to get this over with.

Rafa didn't much want to go to no Party either, and

me, I never wanted to go anywhere with my family.

There was a baseball game in the parking lot outside

and we could hear our friends, yelling, Hey, and,

Cabr6n, to one another. We heard the pop of a ball as

it sailed over the cars, the clatter of an aluminum bat

dropping to the concrete. Not that me or Rafa loved

baseball; we just liked playing with the local kids,

thrashing them at anything they were doing. By the

sounds of the shouting, we both knew the game was close, either of us could have made a difference. Rafa frowned and when I frowned back, he put

"p hi, fi;;.

Don't you mirror me, he said. Don't you mirror me, I said. He punched me-I wourd have hit him back but

Papi marched into the riving room with his towel around his waist,looking a lot smaler than he did when he was dressed. He had a few strands of hair around his nipples and a surly closed_mouth expression, Iike maybe he'd scalded his rongue or somerhing.

Have they earen? he asked Mami. She nodded. I made you something. You didn't let him eat, did you ? Ay, Dios mio, she said, letting her arms fall to her

side.

Ay, Dios mfo is right, papi said. I was neyer supposed to eat before our car trips, but

earlier, when she had pur our our dinner of ,i.., b."r* and sweet platanos, guess who had been the firsr one to clean his plate? you couldn't blame Mami realry, she had been busy-cooking, getting ready, dressing my sister Madai. I should have reminded her not to feed me but I wasn't that sort of son.

Papi turned ro me. Cofro, muchacho, why did vou eat?

Rafa had already started inching awatyfrom me. I,d once told him I considered him a low-down chicken-

F l e s t e , 1 9 O O 2 5

2 6 D R O W N

shit for moving out of the way every time Papi was

going to smack me.

Collateral damage, Rafa had said' Ever heard of it?

N o .

Look it up.

Chickenshit or not, I didn't dare glance at him' Papi

was old-fashioned; he expected your undivided atten-

tion when you were getting your ass whupped' You

couldn't look him in the eye either-that wasn't al-

lowed. Better ro srare at his belly button, which was

perfectly round and immaculate. Papi pulled me to my

feet by my ear'

If you throw uP-

I won't, I cried, tears in my eyes, more out of reflex

than pain.

Ya, Rarn6n, ya. It's not his fault, Mami said' & They've known about this party forever' How did

they think we'were going to get there? Fly?

He finally let go of my ear and I sat back down'

Madai was too scared ro open her eyes. Being around

papi all her life had turned her into a major-league

wuss. Anytime Papi raised his voice her lip would start

trembling, like some specialized tuning fork. Rafa pre-

tended that he had knuckles to crack and when I shoved

him, he gave me a Don't start look. But even that little

bit of recognition made me feel better'

I was the one who was always in trouble with my

dad. It was like my God-given duty to piss him off, to

do everything the way he hated. Our fights didn,t bother me roo much. I still wanted him to rove me, something that never seemed strange or contradictory until years later, when he was out of our lives.

By the time my ear stopped stinging papi was dressed and Mami was crossing each trr. of us, solemnly, like we were heading off ro war. \7e said, in rurn, Bendici6n, Mami, and she poked us in our five cardinal spots while saying, er. Dios te bendiga.

This was how all our trips began, rhe words that fol- lowed me every time I left the house.

None of us spoke until we were inside papi's volks- wagen van. Brand-new, lime-green and bought to im_ press. Oh, we were impressed, but me, every time I was in that VW and Papi wenr above rwenty miles an hour, I vomited. I'd never had trouble with cars before-that van was like my curse. Mami suspected it was the up_ holstery. In her mind, American rhings_appliances, mouthwash, funny-looking upholstery_all r..-.d to have an inrinsic badness about them. papi was careful about taking me anfwhere in the VS7, but when he had to, I rode up front in Mami's usual seat so I could throw up our a window.

;C5mo re sienres? Mami asked over my shoulder when Papi pulled onro the turnpike. She had her hand on the base of my neck. One thing about Mami, her palms never sweated.

I'm OK, I said, keeping my eyes straight ahead. I

F l e s t a , 1 9 B O 2 7

I I

2 8 D R O W F

definitely didn't'want to trade glances with

Papi' He

hadthisonelook,{uriousrrrdrh"rp,thatalwaysleftme

feeling bruised'

Toma' Mami handed me four mentas' She

had

thrown 'tt"t trrt her window at the beginning

of our

trip, an offt'i"g to Eshri; the rest were for me'

I took one and sucked it slowly' my tongue knocking

it up against my teeth' \ile p as s edN ewark Airp

o rt with-

out any i""iat*' If Madai had been awake

she would

have "itJittause

the planes flew so close to the cars'

How's he feeling? PaPi asked'

Fine,I said' I glanced back at Rafa and he pretended

like he didn't s,lt *t' That was the way he

was' at

school and at home' \ilhen I was'in trouble'

he didn't

know *t' *"aai was solidly asleep' but even

with her

f a c e a l l w r i n k l e d u p a n d d , o o l i , , g s h e l o o k e d c u t n [ r e r

hair all seParated into twists'

I turned around and concentrated on the candy'?api

even started to ioke that we might not have

to scrub the

van out tonight' He was beginning to loosen

uP' not

checking his watch 'oo -u"L' Maybe nt' *1t

tl*fu

' about that Pueito Rican woman or maybe he

was lust

h"PPy''i^t *t were all together' I could

never tell' At

the toll' he was feeling po"'i'it" t'"o"Yh to actually

get

out of the van "td ""ih around under the basket

for

dropped coins' It was something he had once

done to

amuse Madai' but now it was habit' Cars behind

us

h o n k e d t h e i r h o r n s a n d l s l i d d o w n i n m y s e a t . R a f a

didn't care; he grinnedi"k at the other cars and

waved'

His actual job was to make sure no cops were coming.

Mami shook Madai awake and as soon as she saw Papi

stooping for a couple of quarters she let out this screech

of delight that almost took off the top of my head.

That was the end of the good times. Just outside the

\fashington Bridge, I started feeling woozy,The smell

of the upholstery got all up inside my head and I found

myself with a mouthful of saliva. Mami's hand tensed

on my shoulder and when I caught Papi's eye, he was

like, No way. Don't do it.

The first time I got sick in the van Papi was taking me

to the library. Rafa was with us and he couldn't believe

I threw up. I was famous for my steel-lined stomach.

A third-world childhood could give you that. Papi was

worried enough that just as quick as Rafa could drop

off the books we were on our way home. Mami fixed

me one of her honey-and-onion concoctions and that

made my stomach feel better. A week later we tried the

library again and on this go-around I couldn't get the

window open in time. \7hen Papi got me home, he

went and cleaned out the van himself, an expression of

askho on his face.This was a big deal, since Papi almost

neyer cleaned anything himself. He came back inside

and found me sitting on the couch feeling like hell.

It's the car, he said to Mami. It's making him sick.

This time the damage was preffy minimal, nothing Papi

couldn't wash off the door with a blast of the hose. He

3 1 e s t a , 1 9 8 0 2 9

t o D R O W F

was pissed, though; he jammed his finger into my

cheek, a nice solid thrust. That was the way he was

with his punishmenrs: imaginative. Earlier rhat year I'd

written an essay in school called "My Father the Tor-

turer," but the teacher made me write a new one' She

thought I was kidding. 'We

drove the rest of the way to the Bronx in silence'

\[e only stopped once, so I could brush my teeth'

Mami had brought along my toothbrush and a rube of

toothpaste and while every car known to man sped by

us she stood outside with me so I wouldn't feel alone.

Tio Miguel was about seven feet tall and had his hair

combed up and out, into a demi-fro. He gave me and

Rafa big spleen-crushing hugs and then kissed Mami

and finally ended up with Madai on his shoulder' The

last time I'd seen Tio was at the airport, his fir$day in

the United States. I remembered how he hadn't seemed

all that troubled to be in another country.

He looked down at me. Carajo, Yunior, you look

horrible!

He threw up, my brother exPlained.

I pushed Rafa. Thanks a lot, ass-face.

Hey, he said. Tio asked.

Tfo clapped a bricklayer's hand on my shoulder'

Everybody gets sick sometimes, he said. You should

have seen me on the plane over here. Dios mio! He

rolled his Asian-looking eyes for emphasis. I thought

we were all going to die.

Everybody courd telr he was lying. I smiled like he was making me feel bemer.

Do you want me ro ger you a drink? Tfo asked. Ve got beer and rum.

Miguel, Mami said. He,s young. Young? Back in Santo Domingo, he,d be geming laid

by now.

Ma.mi thinned her lips, which took some doing. \flell, ir's rrue, Tfo said. So, Mami, I said. \ilhen do I get ro go visit rhe D.R. ? That's enough, yunior.

It's the only pussy you,ll ever geq Rafa said ro me in English.

Not counting your girlfriend, of course. Rafa smiled. He had to give me rhar one. Papi came in from parking the van. He and Miguel

gave each other the sort of handshakes that wourd have turned my fingers into \Tonder bread.

,Cofro, compa'i, gcdmo va todo? they said to each

,other.

Tia came our then, with an apron on and maybe rhe Iongest Lee Press-On Nails I,rr. ..,0.. seen in my life. There was this one guru motherfucker in the Guinness Booh of world Records who had longer nails, but I te' you, ir was close. She gave everybody kisses, told me and Rafa how guapo we were_Rafa, of course, believed her-told Madai how bella she was, but when she got to Papi, she froze a little, Iilre maybe she'd seen a wasp on the tip of his nose, but then kissed him a' rhe same.

I ' i e s t a , I g g O 5 L

3 2 D R O W g

Mami told us to join the other kids in the living room.

Tfo said, Vait a minute, I want to show you the aPart-

ment. I was glad Tia said, Hold on, because from what

I'd seen so far, the place had been furnished in Con-

temporary Dominican Tacky' The less I saw' the bet-

,.r. i mean, I liked plastic sofa covers but damn' T(o and

Tia had taken it to another level. They had a disco ball

hanging in the living room and the tyPe of srucco ceil-

irrg, ,lr.,looked like stalactite heaven. The sofas all had

golden tassels dangling from their edges' Tia came out

of the kitchen with some people I didn't know and by

the time she got done introducing everybody' only Papi

a n d M a m i w e r e g i v e n t h e g u i d e d t o u r o f t h e f o u r . r o o m

t h i r d - f l o o r a P a r t m e n t . M e a n d R a f a j o i n e d t h e k i d s i n

the living room. They'd already started eating.'we were

hungry, one of the girls explained, a pastelito in hand'

Th. boy was about three years younger thryme but the

girl who'd spoken, Leti, was my age' She ind another

iirl *.r. on ih. sofa together and theywere cute as hell'

Leti introduced them: the boy was her brother

V i l q u i n s a n d t h e o t h e r g i r l w a s h e r n e i g h b o r M a r i . L e t i

had some serioirs tetas and I could tell that my brother

was going to gun for her' His taste in girls was Pre-

d i c t a b l e . H e s a t d o w n r i g h t b e t w e e n L e d a n d M a r i a n d

by the way they were smiling at him I knew he'd do

fine. Neither of the girls gave me more than a cursory

one-rwo, which didn't bother me. Sure,I liked girls but

I was always too terrified to speak to them unless we

\ilere arguing or I was calling them stupidos' which was

one of my favorite words that year. I rurned to \(ilquins and asked him what there was to do around

here. Mari, who had the lowest voice I'd ever heard,

said, He can't speak.

\ilhat does that mean?

He's mute. ' I looked at \(ilquins incredulously. He smiled and

nodded, as if he'd 'won a prize or something.

Does he understand?'I asked.

Of course he undersands, Rafa said. He's not dumb. I could tell Rafa had said that just to score points

with the girls. Both of them nodded. Low-voice Mari

said, He's the best student in his grade.

I thought, Not bad for a mute. I sat next to \Tilquins.

After about rwo seconds of TV \flilquins whipped out a bag of dominos and motioned to me. Did I want to

play? Sure. Me and him played Rafa and Leti and we

whupped their collective asses rwice, which put Rafa in

arealbad mood. He looked at me like maybe he wanted

to take a swing, just one to make him feel better. Leti

kept whispering into Rafa's ear, telling him it was OK.

In the kitchen I could hear my parents slipping into

their usual modes. Papi's voice was loud and argu-

mentative; you didn't have to be anywhere near him to

catch his drift. And Mami, you had to put cups to your

ears to hear hers. I went into the kitchen a few times-

once so the tios could show off how much bullshit I'd

been able to cram in my head the last few years; another

time for a bucket-sized cup of soda. Mami and Tia were

! ' i e s t a , 1 9 8 0 , ,

t 4 D R O W N

frying rosrones and the last of the pastelitos. s.he an-

peared happier now and the way her hands worked on

our dinner you would think she had a life somewhere

else making rare and precious things' She nudged Tia

every now "nd

th.,,, shit they must have been doing all

their lives. As soon as Mami saw me though, she gave

me the eye. Don't stay long, that eye said' Don't piss

your old man off.

Papi was too busy arguing about Elvis to notice me'

Then somebody mentioned Mar(a Monte z and Papi

b a r k e d , M a r f a M o n t e z ? L e t m e t e l l y o u a b o u t M a r i a

Montez, comPa'i.

M a y b e l w a s u s e d t o h i m . H i s v o i c e - l o u d e r t h a n

most adults'-didn't bother me none' though the other

kids shifted uneasily in their seats. vilquins was about

to raise the voiume on rhe TV, but Rafa said, I wouldn't

do that. Muteboy had balls, though' *r did it anyway

and then sat down, Wilquins's pop came into the liv-

ing room a second later, a bottle of Presidente in hand.

T h a t d u d e m u s t h a v e h a d S p i d e r - S e n s e s o r s o m e t h i n g '

D i d y o u r a i s e t h a t ? h e a s k e d \ ( i l q u i n s a n d w i l q u i n s

n o d d e d '

Is this your house? his pops asked' He looked ready

to beat .vilquins silly but he lowered the volume in-

stead.

S e e , R a f a s a i d . Y o u n e a r l y g o t y o u r a s s k i c k ' e d '

I met rhe Puerto Rican'woman right after Papi had got-

ten the van. He was taking me on short trips' trying to

cure me of my vomiting. It wasn't really working but I looked forward ro our trips, even though at the end of each one I'd be sick. These were the onry rimes me and Papi did anything together. vhen we were arone he treated me much better, like maybe I was his son or somerhing.

Before each drive Mami would cross me. Bendici6n, Mami, I,d say. She'd kiss my forehead. er. Dios te bendiga. And

then she would give me a handfur of menras b."J.rr. ,h. wanted me ro be oK. Mami didn't think these excur- sions would cure anything, but the one rime she had brought it up to papi he had told her to shut up, what did she know about anyrhing anyvay?

Me and Papi didn,t talk much. \fe just drove around our neighborhood. Occasionally he,d ask, How is it?

And I'd nod, no mater how I felt, One day I was sick ourside of perth Amboy. In_

stead of taking me home he went the orher way on In_ dusrial Avenue, stopping a few minutes later in front of a light blue house I didn't recogni ze.rtreminded me of the Easter eggs we colored at school, the ones we threw out the bus windows at other cars.

The Puerro Rican woman was there and she herped me clean up. She had dry papery hands and when she rubbed rhe rowel on my chesr, she did it hard, like I was a bumper she was waxing. She was very thin and had a cloud of brown hair rising above her narrow face and the sharpest blackesr eyes you,ve ever seen.

F l e s t a , l g B O , j

I , 6 D R O W N

He's cute' she said to PaPi'

Not when he's throwing uP' PaPi said'

\ilhat's your name? she asked me' Are you Rafa?

I shook mY head'

Then it's Yunior, right?

I nodded

You,re the smart one, she said, suddenly h'Ppy with

herself. Maybe you want to see my books?

They weren't hers' I recognized them as ones my fa-

ther must have left in her house. papi was a voracious

reader, couldn't even go cheating without a PaPerback

in his Pocket' Vhy don't you go watch TV?

Papi suggested' He

w a s l o o k i n g a t l " ' t i t t t s h e w a s t h e l a s t p i e c e o f c h i c k e n

on earth. '\(e

got plenty of channels' she said' Use the remote

if You want' ? r The two of them went upstairs and

I was t6o scared

of what was happening to poke around' I iust sat there'

ashamed' exPecting something big and fiery to crash

down on our heads' I watched a whole hour of the

' n e w s b e f o r e P a p i c a m e d o w n s t a i r s a n d s a i d , L e t , s g o .

A b o u t t w o h o u r s l a t e r t h e w o m e n l a i d o u t t h e f o o d a n d

l i k e a l w a y s n o b o d y b u t t h e k i d s t h a n k e d t h e m . I t m u s t

be some Dominican tradition or something' There was

e v e r y t h i n g l l i k e d _ c h i c h a r r o n e s ' f r i e d c h i c k e n , t o s -

tones' sancocho' rice' fried cheese' yuca' avocado'

Potato salad, a meteor-sized hunk of pernil'

even a

tossed salad which I could do without-but when I joined the other kids around the serving table, Papi

said, Oh no you don't, and took the paper plate out of

my hand. His fingers weren't gende.

\flhat's wrong now? Tia asked, handing me another

plate.

He ain't eating, Papi said. Mami pretended to help

Rafa with the pernil.

\flhy can't he eat?

Because I said so.

The adults who didn't know us made like they

hadn't heard a thing and Tio just smiled sheepishly and

told everybody to go ahead and eat. AII the kids-

about ten of them now-trooped back into the living

room with their plates a-heaping and all the adults

ducked into the kitchen and the dining room, where the

radio was playing loud-ass bachatas. I v/as the only one

without a plate. Papi stopped me before I could get

away from him. He kept his voice nice and low so no-

body else could hear him.

If you eat anything, I'm going to beat you. gEntien-

des ?

I nodded.

And if your brother gives you any food,I'll beat him

too. Right here in front of everybody. lEntiendes? I nodded again. I wanted to kill him and he must

have sensed it because he gave my head a little shove.

All the kids watched me come in and sit down in

front of the TV.

F l e s t a , 1 9 8 0 5 7

I

' B D R O W N

\flhat's wrong with your dad? Leti asked'

H e ' s a d i c k , I s a i d '

Rafa shook his head' Don't say that shit in front of

p e o P I e .

Easy for you to be nice when you're eating' I said'

Hey, if I was a pukey little baby' I wouldn't get no.

{ood either'

I almost said something back but I concentrated on

the TV. I wasn't going to start it' No fucking way' So

I w a t c h e d B r u c e L e e b e a t C h u c k N o r r i s i n t o t h e f l o o r

of the Colosseum and tried to Pretend that there was

n o f o o d a n y w h e r e i n t h e h o u s e . I t w a s T i a w h o f i n a l l y

saved me. She came into the living room and said' Since

you ain't eating, Yunior' you can at least help me get

s o m e i c e '

I didn't want to, but she mistook my reluctance for

s o m e t h i n g e l s e ' - i & I alreadY asked Your father'

S h e h e l d m y h a n d w h i l e w e w a l k e d ; T i a d i d n ' t h a v e

any kids but I could teil she wanted them' She was the

s o r t o f r e l a t i v e w h o a l w a y s r e m e m b e r e d y o u r b i r t h d a y ' but who you oirly went to visit because

you had to' We

didn't g., p"t tht fi"t-floor landing be{ore she opened

her pockttbook and handed me the first of three

pastelitos she had smuggled out of the apartment'

Go ahead, she said' And as soon as you get inside

make sure You brush Your teeth'

Thanks a lot, Tia, I said'

Those pastelitos didn't stand a chance'

She sat next to me on the stairs and smoked her cig- arette. All the way down on the first floor and we could still hear the music and the adults and the television. Tfa looked a ton like Mami; the rwo of them were both short and light-skinned.Tia smiled a lot and that was what set them apart the most.

How is it at home, Yunior?

\flhat do you mean?

How's it going in the aparrrnent? Are you kids OK? I knew an interrogation when I heard one, no mar-

ter how sugar-coated it was. I didn't say anything. Don't get me wrong, I loved my tfa, but something told me to keep my mouth shut. Maybe it was family loyalry, maybe I just wanted to prorect Mami or I was afraid that Papi would find out-it could have been anything really.

Is your mom all right?

I shrugged.

Have there been lots of fights? None, I said. Too many shrugs would have been

just as bad as an answer. Papi's at work too much. \flork, Tfa said, like it was sornebody's name she

didn't like.

Me and Rafa, we didn't talk much about the Puerto Rican woman.

'When we ate dinner at her house, the

few times Papi had taken us over rhere, we sdll acted like nothing was out of the ordinary. Pass rhe ketchup, man. No sweat, bro. The affair was like a hole in our

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living room floor, one we'd gotten so used to circum-

navigating that we sometimes forgot it was there'

By midnight all the idults were crazy dancing. I was sit-

ting outside Tia's bedroom-where Madai was sleep-

ing-trying not to attract attention. Rafa had me

guarding the door; he and Leti were in there too, with

some of the other kids, getting busy no doubt' lwilquins

had gone across the hall to bed so I had me and the

roaches to mess around with. *Whenever I peered into the main room I saw about

twenty moms and dads dancing and drinkitg beers'

Every now and then somebody yelled, iQuisqueya!

And then everybody else would yell and stomP their

feet. From what I could see my Parents seemed to be

enjoying themselves.

Mami and Tia sPent a lot of time side by *dt, whis-

pering, and I kept expecting something,o "ofrt of this,

a brawl maybe. I'd never once been out with my fam-

ily when it hadn't turned to shit.'We weren't even the-

atrical or straight crazy like other families. 'we

fought

like sixth-graders, without any real dignity. I guess the

whole night I'd been waiting for a blowup, something

berween Papi and Mami. This was how I always figured

Papi would be exposed, out in public, where every-

body would know.

You're a cbeater!

But everything was calmer than usual. And Mami

didn't look like she was about to say anything to Papi'

The rwo of them danced every now and then but they never lasted more than a song before Mami joined Tfa again in whatever conversation they were h"rirrg.

I tried to imagine Mami before papi. fuf"fU. I was tired, or just sad, thinking about the way my family was. Maybe I already knew how it would all end up in a few years' Mami without papi, and that was why I did it. Picturing her alone *"rrr,t .rsy. It seemed like papi had always been with her, even when we were waiting in Santo Domingo for him to send for us.

The only photograph our family had of Mami as a young woman, before she married papi, was the one that somebody too' of her at an.l.rdo' partythat I found one day yhile rummaging for rrrorr.r'ro go to the arcade. Mami had it rucked into her i_*igrriion pa_ pers. In the photo, she,s surrounded by laughing cousins I will never meeq who are at shiny irorr danc- ing, whose clothes are nrmpred and loose. you can tell it's night and hor and that rh. *orquitos have been bit- ing' She sits straight and even in a crowd she srands out, smiling quietly like maybe she,s the one everybody,s celebrating. you can,t see her hands but I im"girred they're knotting a sffaw or a bit of thread. This was the woman my father mer ayear later on the Malecdn, the woman Mami thought she'd always be.

Mami musr have caught me studying her because she stopped what she was doing and gave me a smile, maybe her first one of the night. S.raa.rrty I wanted to go over and hug her, for no other reason than I loved

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her, but there were about eleven fat jiggling bodies be-

tween us. So I sat down on the tiled floor and waited'

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I

knew Rafa was kicking me and saying, Let's go' He

looked like he'd been hitting those girls off; he was all

smiles. I got to my feet in time to kiss Tia and Tio

good-bye. Mami was holding the serving dish she had

brought with her. 'Where's

Papi? I asked.

He's downstairs, bringing the van around' Mami

leaned down to kiss me.

You were good today, she said.

And then Papi burst in and told us to get the hell

downstairs before some pendejo cop gave him a ticket.

More kisses, more handshakes and then we were gone'

I don't remember being out of sorts aftet I met the

Puerto Rican woman, but I must have been because

Mami only asked me questions when ,h&ho,'ght

something was wrong in my life. It took her about ten

passes but finally she cornered me one afternoon when

we were alone in the apartment. Our upstairs neighbors

were beating the crap out of their kids, and me and her

had been listening to it all afternoon. She pur her hand

on mine and said, Is everything OK, Yunior? Have

you been fighting with your brother?

Me and Rafa had already talked. We'd been in the

basement, where our Parents couldn't hear us. He told

me that yeah, he knew about her.

Papi's taken me there twice now, he said. Vhy didn't you tell me? I asked. \flhat the hell was I going to say? Hry,yunior, guess

wbat bappened yesterday? I met papi,s sucia! I didn't say anything to Mami either. she watched

me, very very closely. Later I would think, maybe if I had told her, she would have confronred him, would have done something, but who can know these things? I said I'd been having trouble in schoor and like that everything was back ro normar berween us. she put her hand on my shoulder and sque ezedand thar *r, th"t.

\(e were on the turnpike, just past Exit 11, when I started feeling it again. I sat up from leaning against Rafa' His fingers smelled and he'd gone to rl..! almost as sodn as he got into the van. Madai *r, orr, too but at least she wasn't snoring.

In the darkness, I saw that papi had a hand on Mami's knee and that the two of them were quiet and still. They weren'r slumped back or anythirrg, ,i.y v/ere both wide awake, bolrcd into their sears. I couldn,t see either of their faces and no marrer how hard I tried I could not imagine their expressions. Neither of them moved. Every now and then the van was filled with the bright rush of somebody else,s headlights. Finally I said, Mami, and they both looked back, ,lr.rdv know_ ing what was happening.

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