Memo

TO: Ms. XXXX XXXXX, Friend

FROM: Ms. XXXX XXXXXX

DATE: XXXX XX, XXXX

RE: Two techniques from “How to Win Friends and Influence People”

Over the years you have been a great friend and an ideal example of a great communicator. I have always admired the way you deal with people and after reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie, I am now able to identify the techniques that you have always naturally practiced. In this memo I would like to describe just two of those techniques: Smiling and Listening.

Smile

This technique may seem simple and self explanatory, but having grown up in Russia, a culture where smiling at those around you is not the accepted norm and is even frowned upon, I had to learn to understand, internalize and practice this technique of communication.

As we all know first impressions are the most important, and the first thing people experience when they come in contact with a new person is their face. If they see a sour expression that is exactly what their impression of that person is going to be, sour! On the other hand a smiling face will convey happiness and friendliness. People will most certainly feel more inclined towards a person that smiles than a person that does not. A smile invites people in, it tells them that this person is happy to see them and is sociable. The best way to show how a smile can open people up to dialogue and the opportunities that can create, is though a few examples.

About 2 years ago I was in the elevator in my condo building on my way out. The elevator stopped on the floor below me and a gentlemen, whom I had never met, stepped in. I smiled and said hello, we struck up a conversation during which it came up that I was looking to sublet my condo. Before I knew it he was taking down my information for a friend that was looking for a place in our building. I ended up renting out my condo to his friend. Had I not smiled at a stranger, we would not have started a conversation and I would not have a wonderful tenant.

Years ago I was going through a rough time, my job was not satisfying and my friends all seemed to be moving away at the same time. One day, during this time, I was at work going though the usual routine when a girl I had never met walked by, and I smiled at her. Later in the day I ran in to her again, I smiled again and this time, because she felt that I was friendly, she started talking to me. During this chat I found out that she worked for a different department and that she knew a few other girls our age at the company (this was news to me since everyone who worked around me was older and male). She invited me to come out with them for drinks that evening. I ended up becoming good friends with all the girls that were there that evening. Six months later, because of all the new connections I had made through them, I got a new, more satisfying position at our firm. None of this would have happened had I not smiled.

A simple smile and a friendly attitude to go with it can open many doors, some you might not have even known existed.

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

After reading my DISC on DISC profile, I was struck by something I already knew but never fully analyzed. I “consciously attempt to modify thoughts and actions of others” and I can often be aggressive and act urgently and precipitately. All of these traits seem to be contradictory to the communication technique of “encouraging others to talk about themselves”, in other words to listening to others. Instead of concentrating on what I am going to say next to change people’s minds, I should really be listening to them to find out if I need to change their minds in the first place.

I am a very impatient person, I always want everything faster and sooner than it usually happens. This means that I often don’t really listen to people, since before they are ever done talking I am on to the next topic. This is a pattern that I have started trying to break. The more one listens to what others have to say the more one gets to know other’s point of view, what matters to them, who they are. It is essential to get to know people, to show that you are genuinely interested and care about what they have to say. People like to talk about the things that they care about, so what better way to befriend people than to encourage them to talk about themselves. It is only through listening and understanding people, that one will ever get others to like him.

People are more inclined to like those who show interest in them. If one is involved in a dispute the best way to get the other party to agree with you is not to argue, but to really listen to what they have to say, to ask questions, to care about the other parties’ concerns. Through this process the other party feels appreciated and cared about and you get a deeper understanding of the issues involved from their perspective. In the end, the good-will built, will produce a satisfying resolution for both parties.

A great example of good listeners are politicians. A politician’s job is to listen to and understand the needs of his or her constituents and then act on their behalf. A good politician will really listen to all the concerns of his constituents’. I have read many news stories in which people talk about how great their political representative is because he took the time to listen to their concerns and asked questions. Often there is no mention of the representative ever having taken action to address those concerns, but despite this, it seems every time the story ends with the constituents promising their vote to that very representative in any future elections. This is because just the act of listening is enough for people to feel satisfied.

Many years ago I had a doctor who was a terrible listener. Every time I went to her I felt that I could not talk to her; she often cut me off when I was telling her my concerns, she did not ask follow up questions and I always felt rushed by her. I felt that she was not really listening to me. After a while I left her for another doctor, to whom I have been going ever since. While she was a fine doctor who kept me healthy, the fact that she would not listen was enough for me to cut myself off as a client.

People are most interested in themselves, so if you encourage them to talk about themselves you will be considered the most interesting and attentive conversationalist, which in turn will get people to like you.