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Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

I. The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

4. Make Your Writing Easy to Read

C H A P T E R 4 Making Your Writing Easy to Read

Learning Objectives After studying this chapter, you will know:

1 New guidelines for effective word choice.

2 New sentence and paragraph construction techniques.

3 Ways to select stylistic techniques appropriate for a particular audience and context.

Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

I. The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

4. Make Your Writing Easy to Read

IN THE NEWS

Doublespeak Translations

D uring the years that American troops have fought in Iraq, President Bush has ex- horted Americans to stay the course; rede-

ploying our troops, he claims, would cause us to lose the struggle for hearts and minds of Iraqis. Back in the United States, politicians debate whether or not to eliminate the death tax, because everyone dies but only the rich leave estates, while millions of Ameri- cans are facing food insecurity. We try not to think about the imperative security detainees at Guan- tanamo Bay and the reports of self-injurious behavior incidents that occur within the prison.

What does all this mean? The term rhetoric means

skill in communicating effec- tively. Yet the word may of- ten conjure thoughts of political rhetoric, in which language is used to obscure meaning as much as it is used to inform and persuade. The examples above demonstrate how euphemisms are often used to mask or soften the real meaning of a mes- sage. Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rums- feld described the use of torture at Abu Ghraib as

“the excesses of human nature that humanity suf- fers,” a less offensive term than torture.

Of course, euphemisms are not restricted to poli- tics. The military is famous for its colorful examples. Body bags of the Vietnam War became human re- mains pouches for the Gulf War and are now transfer tubes that are to be kept out of sight of the media. Many companies address challenges when they re- ally mean problems and downsize rather than lay off employees. Manufacturing processes may cause

runoff rather than pollution; car dealers may offer pre-owned ve- hicles rather than used cars. Stores sell canola oil rather than rapeseed oil, orange roughy rather than slimehead. Most of us have our own fa-

vorite euphemisms, especially for body functions. What euphemisms can you identify? Which ones

do you use? When composing your documents, think about

how the words you choose reveal or hide the mes- sage. While creative phrasing isn’t illegal, is it ethi- cal? How will your readers interpret your words?

105

“Euphemisms are often used to mask

or soften the real meaning of a

message.”

Adapted from NCTE Public Language Committee, The Doublespeak Awards (1975–2006) (accessed March 26, 2007); available from http://webserve.govst.edu /pa/Introduction/doublespeak_awards.htm; and Calvin Woodward, “Washington’s ’Doublespeak’ Lingo Needs Translation,” Des Moines Register, November 27, 2006, 3A.

Death tax Estate tax

Debriefings Interrogations

Food insecurity Hunger

Imperative security detainee Terrorist

Self-injurious behavior incidents Suicide by captive

Transfer tube Body bag

Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

I. The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

4. Make Your Writing Easy to Read

106 Part 1 The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

Chapter Outline Good Style in Business and Administrative Writing

Half-Truths about Style

• Half-Truth 1: “Write as You Talk.” • Half-Truth 2: “Never Use I.” • Half-Truth 3: “Never Begin a Sentence with And or But.” • Half-Truth 4: “Never End a Sentence with a Preposition.” • Half-Truth 5: “Big Words Impress People.”

Evaluating “Rules” about Writing

Building a Better Style

Ten Ways to Make Your Writing Easier to Read

• As You Choose Words • As You Write and Revise Sentences • As You Write and Revise Paragraphs

Readability Formulas and Good Style

Organizational Preferences for Style

Summary of Key Points

Good business and administrative writing should sound like a person talking to another person. Unfortunately, much of the writing produced in organiza- tions today seems to have been written by faceless bureaucrats rather than by real people.

Using an easy-to-read style makes the reader respond more positively to your ideas. You can make your writing easier to read in two ways. First, you can make individual sentences and paragraphs easy to read, so that skimming the first paragraph or reading the whole document takes as little work as pos- sible. Second, you can make the document look visually inviting and structure it with signposts to guide readers through it. This chapter focuses on ways to make words, sentences, and paragraphs easier to read. Chapter 6 will discuss ways to make the document as a whole easier to read.

Good Style in Business and Administrative Writing Good business and administrative writing is closer to conversation and less formal than the style of writing that has traditionally earned high marks in college essays and term papers. (See Figure 4.1.)

Most people have several styles of talking, which they vary instinctively de- pending on the audience. Good writers have several styles, too. An e-mail to your boss complaining about the delays from a supplier will be informal, perhaps even chatty; a letter to the supplier demanding better service will be more formal.

Reports tend to be more formal than letters and memos, since they may be read many years in the future by audiences the writer can barely imagine. In reports, avoid contractions, spell out acronyms and abbreviations the first time you use them, and avoid personal pronouns. Since so many people read reports, you doesn’t have much meaning. See Chapter 16 for more about re- port style.

Keep the following points in mind as you choose a level of formality for a specific document:

Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

I. The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

4. Make Your Writing Easy to Read

Chapter 4 Making Your Writing Easy to Read 107

Figure 4.1 Different Levels of Style

Feature Conversational style Good business style Traditional term paper style

Formality Highly informal Conversational; sounds More formal than conversation like a real person talking would be, but retains a human

voice

Use of contractions Many contractions OK to use occasional Few contractions, if any contractions

Pronouns Uses /, first- and second- Uses /, first- and second- First- and second-person person pronouns person pronouns pronouns kept to a minimum

Level of friendliness Friendly Friendly No effort to make style friendly

How personal Personal; refers to Personal; may refer to reader Impersonal; may generally refer specific circumstances by name; refers to specific to readers but does not name of conversation circumstances of audiences them or refer to their

circumstances

Word choice Short, simple words; Short, simple words but Many abstract words; scholarly, slang avoids slang technical terms

Sentence and Incomplete sentences; Short sentences and Longer sentences and paragraph length no paragraphs paragraphs paragraphs

Grammar Can be ungrammatical Uses standard English Uses more formal standard English

Visual impact Not applicable Attention to visual impact of No particular attention to visual document impact

• Use a friendly, informal style to someone you’ve talked with. • Avoid contractions, slang, and even minor grammatical lapses in paper

documents to people you don’t know. Abbreviations are OK in e-mail messages if they’re part of the group’s culture.

• Pay particular attention to your style when you write to people you fear or when you must give bad news. Reliance on nouns rather than on verbs and a general deadening of style increase when people are under stress or feel insecure.1 Confident people are more direct. Edit your writing so that you sound confident, whether you feel that way or not.

More and more organizations are simplifying their communications.

• Alan Greenspan, former chair of the Federal Reserve, was infamously known for his lack of clarity in communications, but his successor is striv- ing to bring about new clarity in the board’s communications (see sidebar).

• Various local and state police departments are banishing their 10-codes and moving to plain English instead. The 10-codes vary by locale. In Vir- ginia, a 10–50 denotes an auto accident; in Maryland it denotes a downed officer. The change is motivated by pressure from the Homeland Security Department to improve communications between agencies.2

• In the financial world, the US Securities and Exchange Commissions’s A Plain English Handbook: How to Create Clear SEC Disclosure Documents asks for short sentences, everyday words, and active voice. It cautions against legal and highly technical terms.3

Communication consultants like Gerard Braud urge clients to say what they mean. He distinguishes between keeping communication easy to understand and “dumbing it down.” Braud warns, “All communication affects [the] bottom

To Clarify or Not to Clarify

Former Federal Board Chair Alan Greenspan

was known for his lack of clar- ity. After one speech, a head- line in the Washington Post read “Greenspan Hints Fed May Cut Interest Rates,” while the corre- sponding headline in the New York Times read “Doubt Voiced by Greenspan on a Rate Cut.” Even his wife joked that he had to propose twice before she un- derstood what he was saying.

The new chair, Ben Bernanke, has a different style. As he aims for more transparent communi- cations, he plans to make the Fed clearer about goals for in- flation and economic growth.

Adapted from Greg Ip, “’Transparent’ Vision: New Fed Chairman Hopes to Downplay Impact of His Words,” Wall Street Journal, (2006): A1; and Daniel Kadlec, “5 Ways the New Fed Chairman Will Be Different,” Time, November 7, 2005, 49–50.

Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

I. The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

4. Make Your Writing Easy to Read

108 Part 1 The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

Short sentences and action verbs mark the standard business style.

For visual impact, the boldface type highlights the theme of growth.

Figure 4.2 Jeffrey Immelt’s Letter Uses the Standard Business Style

line. . . . When a reader, listener, viewer or member of a live audience has to take even a nanosecond to decipher what you are saying because you are mak- ing it more complicated than it needs to be, you may lose that person.”4

Good business style allows for individual variation. Figures 4.2 and 4.3 show the opening paragraphs from the CEO letters in two different annual re- ports. Jeffrey Immelt’s use of action verbs in Figure 4.2 conveys an image of energy and drive. Warren Buffett’s direct, folksy style in Figure 4.3 suggests straightforwardness and integrity.

Half-Truths about Style Many generalizations about style are half-truths and must be applied selec- tively, if at all.

Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

I. The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

4. Make Your Writing Easy to Read

Chapter 4 Making Your Writing Easy to Read 109

Folksy reference to the firm’s partners as “Charlie and I.”

Paragraph 1 uses standard business style.

The contraction “It’s” and the movie-related “morphed” give a lighter tone in spite of the technical topic.

BERKSHIRE HATHAWAY INC.

To the Shareholders of Berkshire Hathaway Inc.:

Our gain in net worth during 2003 was $13.6 billion, which increased the per-share book value of both our Class A and Class B stock by 21%. Over the last 39 years (that is, since present management took over) per-share book value has grown from $19 to $50,498, a rate of 22.2% compounded annually.*

It's per-share intrinsic value that counts, however, not book value. Here, the news is good: Be- tween 1964 and 2003, Berkshire morphed from a struggling northern textile business whose intrinsic value was less than book into a widely diversified enterprise worth far more than book. Our 39-year gain in in- trinsic value has therefore somewhat exceeded our 22.2% gain in book. (For a better understanding of in- trinsic value and the economic principles that guide Charlie Munger, my partner and Berkshire's vicechair- man, and me in running Berkshire, please read our Owner's Manual, beginning on page 69.)

Despite their shortcomings, book value calculations are useful at Berkshire as a slightly under- stated gauge for measuring the long-term rate of increase in our intrinsic value. The calculation is less rel- evant, however, than it once was in rating any single year's performance versus the S&P 500 index (a comparison we display on the facing page). Our equity holdings, including convertible preferreds, have fallen considerably as a percentage of our net worth, from an average of 114% in the 1980s, for example, to an average of 50% in 2000-03. Therefore, yearly movements in the stock market now affect a much smaller portion of our net worth than was once the case.

Nonetheless, Berkshire's long-term performance versus the S&P remains all-important. Our shareholders can buy the S&P through an index fund at very low cost. Unless we achieve gains in per- share intrinsic value in the future that outdo the S&P's performance, Charlie and I will be adding nothing to what you can accomplish on your own.

If we fail, we will have no excuses. Charlie and I operate in an ideal environment. To begin with, we are supported by an incredible group of men and women who run our operating units. If there were a Corporate Cooperstown, its roster would surely include many of our CEOs. Any shortfall in Berkshire's results will not be caused by our managers.

Additionally, we enjoy a rare sort of managerial freedom. Most companies are saddled with insti- tutional constraints. A company's history, for example, may commit it to an industry that now offers limit- ed opportunity. A more common problem is a shareholder constituency that pressures its manager to dance to Wall Street's tune. Many CEOs resist, but others give in and adopt operating and capital allocation poli- cies far different from those they would choose if left to themselves.

At Berkshire, neither history nor the demands of owners impede intelligent decision-making. When Charlie and I make mistakes, they are – in tennis parlance – unforced errors.

*All figures used in this report apply to Berkshire's A shares, the successor to the only stock that the company had outstanding before 1996. The B shares have an economic interest equal to 1/30th that of the A.

Figure 4.3 Warren Buffett’s Letter Uses a More Individual Style

Source: Berkshire Hathaway, “Warren Buffett’s Letter to Berkshire Shareholders,” Annual Report 2003, at www.berkshirehathaway.com/. Reproduced from copyrighted material with the permission of the author.

Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

I. The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

4. Make Your Writing Easy to Read

110 Part 1 The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

Half-Truth 1: “Write as You Talk.” Most of us use a coloquial, conversational style in speech that is too informal for writing. We use slang, incomplete sentences, and even grammatical errors.

Unless our speech is exceptionally fluent, “writing as we talk” can create awkward, repetitive, and badly organized prose. It’s OK to write as you talk to produce your first draft, but edit to create a good written style.

Half-Truth 2: “Never Use I.” Using I too often can make your writing sound self-centered; using it unnec- essarily will make your ideas seem tentative. However, when you write about things you’ve done or said or seen, using I is both appropriate and smoother than resorting to awkward passives or phrases like this writer.

Half-Truth 3: “Never Begin a Sentence with And or But.” Beginning a sentence with and or also makes the idea that follows seem like an afterthought. That’s OK when you want the effect of spontaneous speech in a written document, as you may in a sales letter. If you want to sound as though you have thought about what you are saying, put the also in the middle of the sentence or use another transition: moreover, furthermore.

But tells the reader that you are shifting gears and that the point which fol- lows not only contrasts with but also is more important than the preceding ideas. Presenting such verbal signposts to your reader is important. Beginning a sentence with but is fine if doing so makes your paragraph read smoothly.

Half-Truth 4: “Never End a Sentence with a Preposition.” Prepositions are those useful little words that indicate relationships: with, in, under, at. The prohibition against ending sentences with them is probably based on two facts: (1) The end of a sentence (like the beginning) is a position of emphasis. A preposition may not be worth emphasizing. (2) When the reader sees a preposition, he or she expects something to follow it. At the end of a sentence, nothing does.

In job application letters, reports, and important presentations, avoid end- ing sentences with prepositions. Most messages are less formal; it’s OK to end an occasional sentence with a preposition. Noting exceptions to the rule, Sir Winston Churchill famously scolded an editor who had presumptuously cor- rected a sentence ending with a preposition, “This is the kind of impertinence up with which I will not put.”5 Analyze your audience and the situation, and use the language that you think will get the best results.

Half-Truth 5: “Big Words Impress People.” Learning an academic discipline requires that you master its vocabulary. After you get out of school, however, no one will ask you to write just to prove that you understand something. Instead, you’ll be asked to write or speak to peo- ple who need the information you have.

Sometimes you may want the sense of formality or technical expertise that big words create. But much of the time, big words just distance you from your audience and increase the risk of miscommunication. When people misuse big words, they look foolish. If you feel you need to use big words, make sure you use them correctly.

The Boss Won’t Let Me Write That Way

When a writing con- sultant urged them to

use I, the engineers in Research and Development (R&D) at one firm claimed they couldn’t: “Our boss won’t let us.” The consult- ant checked with their boss, the vice president for Research and Development. He said, “I don’t care what words they use. I just want to be able to understand what they write.”

The vice president had a PhD and had once done experi- ments in R&D himself, but he’d spent several years in manage- ment. He no longer knew as many technical details as did his subordinates. Their efforts to impress him backfired: he was annoyed because he couldn’t understand their reports and had to tell subordinates to rewrite them.

Moral 1: If you think your boss doesn’t want you to use a word, ask. A few bosses do prize formal or flowery language. Most don’t.

Moral 2: Even if your boss has the same background you do, he or she won’t necessarily un- derstand what you write. Revise your memos and reports so they’re clear and easy to read.

Moral 3: What’s in the file cabinet isn’t necessarily a guide to good writing for your organization.

Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

I. The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

4. Make Your Writing Easy to Read

Chapter 4 Making Your Writing Easy to Read 111

Evaluating “Rules” about Writing Some “rules” are grammatical conventions. For example, standard edited English requires that each sentence have a subject and verb, and that the sub- ject and verb agree. Business writing normally demands standard grammar, but exceptions exist. Promotional materials such as brochures, advertise- ments, and sales and fund-raising letters may use sentence fragments to mimic the effect of speech.

Other “rules” may be conventions adopted by an organization so that its documents will be consistent. For example, a company might decide to capi- talize job titles (e.g., Production Manager) even though grammar doesn’t re- quire the capitals, or always to use a comma before and in a series, even though a sentence can be grammatical without the comma. A different com- pany might make different choices.

Still other “rules” are attempts to codify “what sounds good.” “Never use I” and “use big words” are examples of this kind of “rule.” To evaluate these “rules,” you must consider your audience, the discourse community and or- ganizational culture, ( p. 46), your purposes, and the situation. If you want the effect produced by an impersonal style and polysyllabic words, use them. But use them only when you want the distancing they produce.

Building a Better Style To improve your style,

• Try WIRMI: What I Really Mean Is.6 Then write the words. • Try reading your draft out loud to someone sitting about three feet

away—about as far away as you’d sit in casual conversation. If the words sound awkward, they’ll seem awkward to a reader, too.

• Ask someone else to read your draft out loud. Readers stumble because the words on the page aren’t what they expect to see. The places where that person stumbles are places where your writing can be better.

• Read widely and write a lot. • Study revised sentences, like those in Figure 4.4. • Use the 10 techniques in Figure 4.5 to polish your style.

Ten Ways to Make Your Writing Easier to Read Direct, simple writing is easier to read. One study tested two versions of a memo report. The “high-impact” version had the “bottom line” (the purpose of the report) in the first paragraph, simple sentences in normal word order, active verbs, concrete language, short paragraphs, headings and lists, and first- and second-person pronouns. The high-impact version took 22% less time to read. Readers said they understood the report better, and tests showed that they really did understand it better.7 Another study showed that high- impact instructions were more likely to be followed.8 We’ll talk about layout, headings, and lists in Chapter 6.

As You Choose Words The best word depends on context: the situation, your purposes, your audi- ence, the words you have already used.

➠

Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

I. The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

4. Make Your Writing Easy to Read

112 Part 1 The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

Figure 4.4 Mutual Fund Prospectuses Revised to Meet the SEC’s Plain English Guidelines

Old prospectus New prospectus

John Hancock Sovereign The fund utilizes a strategy of investing The fund’s stock investments are Balanced Fund in those common stocks which have exclusively in companies that have

a record of having increased their increased their dividend payout in each shareholder dividend in each of the of the last ten years. preceding ten years or more.

State Street Research Equity The applicability of the general If you are investing through a large Income Fund information and administrative retirement plan or other special

procedures set forth below program, follow the instructions in your accordingly will vary depending on program materials. the investor and the record-keeping system established for a shareholder’s investment in the Fund. Participants in 401(k) and other plans should first consult with appropriate persons at their employer or refer to the plan materials before following any of the procedures below.

State Street Research Equity The net asset value of the fund’s shares The fund’s shares will rise and fall in Income Fund will fluctuate as market conditions value.

change.

Figure 4.5 Ten Ways to Make Your Writing Easier to Read

As you choose words, 1. Use words that are accurate, appropriate, and familiar. 2. Use technical jargon only when it is essential and known to the

reader. Eliminate business jargon. As you write and revise sentences, 3. Use active verbs most of the time. 4. Use verbs—not nouns—to carry the weight of your sentence. 5. Eliminate wordiness. 6. Vary sentence length and sentence structure. 7. Use parallel structure. Use the same grammatical form for ideas

that have the same logical function. 8. Put your readers in your sentences.

As you write and revise paragraphs, 9. Begin most paragraphs with topic sentences so that readers

know what to expect in the paragraph. 10. Use transitions to link ideas.

1. Use words that are accurate, appropriate, and familiar.

Accurate words mean what you want to say. Appropriate words convey the attitudes you want and fit well with the other words in your document. Fa- miliar words are easy to read and understand.

Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

I. The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

4. Make Your Writing Easy to Read

Chapter 4 Making Your Writing Easy to Read 113

Sometimes choosing the accurate word is hard. Most of us have word pairs that confuse us. Grammarian Richard Lederer tells Toastmasters that these 10 pairs are the ones you are most likely to see or hear confused.9

Affect/Effect Disinterested/Uninterested Among/Between Farther/Further Amount/Number Fewer/Less Compose/Comprise Imply/Infer Different from/Different than Lay/Lie

For help using the pairs correctly, see Appendix B. Some meanings have already evolved before we join the conversation. We

may learn the meaning of words or actions by being alert and observant. We learn some meanings by formal and informal study: the importance of “gener- ally accepted accounting principles” or what the trash can on a computer screen symbolizes. Some meanings are negotiated as we interact one-on-one with another person, attempting to communicate.

Individuals are likely to have different ideas about value-laden words like fair or empowerment. The Wall Street Journal notes that the Securities and Exchange Commission has upped the ante on the definition of “rich” as it regulates the net worth requirement for those eligible to invest in hedge funds, a dividing line that “has often been used as a proxy for the government’s definition of ‘rich’:

The SEC . . . says investors need to have investible assets of at least $2.5 million, ex- cluding equity in any homes or businesses, to be eligible to sign on a hedge fund’s dotted line. That’s a huge jump from the current requirement, which says individu- als have to have a net worth of at least $1 million, including the value of primary residences, or an annual income of $200,000 for the previous two years for individ- uals or $300,000 for couples.”10

Some word choices have legal implications. The US Labor Department has recently been reviewing rules for classifying workers as “professionals” or “administrators.” As of 1992, computer analysts, programmers, and software engineers were considered professionals. Now representatives of these work- ers dispute the classification, on the grounds that these workers’ jobs tend to be routine and mechanical. The debate affects the workers’ paychecks, be- cause under labor laws, employers are exempt from paying extra when pro- fessionals and administrators work overtime.11

Some meanings are voted on. Take, for example, the term minority-owned business. For years, the National Minority Supplier Development Council (NMSDC) defined the term as a business in which at least 51% of the owners were members of racial or ethnic minorities. But that made it hard for busi- nesses to attract major capital or to go public, since doing so would give more ownership to European American investors. In 2000, the NMSDC redefined minority-owned business as any business with minority management and at least 30% minority ownership.12

Accurate denotations. To be accurate, a word’s denotation must match the meaning the writer wishes to convey. Denotation is a word’s literal or dic- tionary meaning. Most common words in English have more than one denota- tion. The word pound, for example, means, or denotes, a unit of weight, a place where stray animals are kept, a unit of money in the old British system, and the verb to hit. Coca-Cola spends millions each year to protect its brand names so that Coke will denote only that brand and not just any cola drink.

When two people use the same word or phrase to mean, or denote, different things, bypassing occurs. For example, a large mail-order drug company noti- fies clients by e-mail when their prescription renewals get stopped because the

What’s in a Name (1)

The honeymoon is an ancient tradition. Fol-

lowing their wedding ceremony, a new husband and wife spend a few days or weeks alone to- gether as they settle into their new life together. Now retailers and travel agents are cashing in on the honeymoon tradition, with a twist, by inventing new “traditions” to mark the stages in a couple’s life:

• Anniversarymoons: repeated honeymoons to celebrate wedding anniversaries.

• Divorcemoons: vacations, taken separately, to celebrate the end of a marriage.

• Familymoons: postwedding trips for blended families who want to include the children in the vacation.

• Conceptionmoons: vacations for couples who are trying to conceive a child.

• Recoverymoons: vacations for the mother of the bride.

Adapted from Jeffrey Zaslow, “Mov- ing On: After a Honeymoon, a Con- ceptionmoon?” Wall Street Journal, November 11, 2006, D2.

Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

I. The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

4. Make Your Writing Easy to Read

114 Part 1 The Building Blocks of Effective Messages

doctor has not verified the prescription. Patients are advised to call their doc- tors and remind them to verify. However, the company’s Web site posts a sen- tence telling clients that the prescription is being processed. The drug company means the renewal is in the system, waiting for the doctor’s verification. The patients believe the doctor has checked in and the renewal is moving forward. The confusion results in extra phone calls to the company’s customer service number, delayed prescriptions, and general customer dissatisfaction.

Careless use of technical terms can produce a kind of bypassing. For instance, behavioral scientists who research conflict management have identified a cate- gory of solutions they call “win–win,” in which the parties actively work together to devise an outcome that gives both parties what they want. Such an outcome is difficult to achieve, but appealing. General business publications quickly latched onto the term win–win, which began appearing in more and more articles. How- ever, a search of books and magazines found that their authors usually used the term to refer to a completely different category of conflict resolution, namely, compromise. A compromise requires both parties to make concessions in ex- change for reaching a mutually acceptable agreement, so neither party really “wins.”13 Today if a negotiator proposes working toward a “win–win solution,” the other party may misunderstand what kind of solution this would be.

Problems also arise when writers misuse words.

The western part of Ohio was transferred from Chicago to Cleveland.14

(Ohio did not move. Instead, a company moved responsibility for sales in western Ohio.)

Three major associations of property-liability companies are poised to strike out in opposite directions.15

(Three different directions can’t be opposite each other.)

[Engulf & Devour] has grown dramatically over the past seven years, largely through the purchase of many smaller, desperate companies.16

This quote from a corporate news release probably did not intend to be so frank. More likely, the writer relied on a computer’s spell checker, which had no way to know it should replace desperate with disparate, meaning “funda- mentally different from one another.”

Accurate denotations can make it easier to solve problems. In one produc- tion line with a high failure rate, the largest category of defects was missed oper- ations. At first, the supervisor wondered if the people on the line were lazy or irresponsible. But some checking showed that several different problems were labeled missed operations: parts installed backward, parts that had missing screws or fasteners, parts whose wires weren’t connected. Each of these prob- lems had a different solution. Using accurate words redefined the problem and enabled the production line both to improve quality and to cut repair costs.17

Appropriate connotations. Words are appropriate when their connotations, that is, their emotional associations or colorings, convey the attitude you want. A great many words carry connotations of approval or disapproval, disgust or delight. Words in the first column below suggest approval; words in the second column suggest criticism.

Positive word Negative word assume guess curious nosy cautious fearful firm obstinate flexible wishy-washy

What’s in a Name? (2) or When Is a Sandwich Not a Sandwich? When It’s a Burrito.

How would you define a sand- wich? Most of us picture two slices of bread with some type of filling in between them. But not the Panera Bread Co.

When Qdoba Mexican Grill tried to move into a shopping center in Massachusetts last year, Panera tried to stop it. The chain has a clause in its lease that protects it from competition by restricting the shopping cen- ter from leasing space to another sandwich shop. That clause might keep Subway or Quizno’s out, but when Qdoba Mexican Grill moved in, Panera tried to claim that the Mexican restau- rant’s burritos were sandwiches, and thus the shopping center had violated the agreement. To Panera, a tortilla is equivalent to bread and bread with stuffing in between is a sandwich.

Not so, says Massachusetts Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Locke. Using testimony from chefs as well as a dictionary definition, Locke ruled that the key difference is the shell: a sin- gle tortilla is not equivalent to two slices of bread.

Adapted from “Panera Loses Fight Over Status of Burrito,” Des Moines Register, November 12, 2006, 22A.

Locker−Kienzler: Business and Administrative Communication, Eighth Edition

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Chapter 4 Making Your Writing Easy to Read 115

A supervisor can “tell the truth” about a subordinate’s performance and yet write either a positive or a negative performance appraisal, based on the conno- tations of the words in the appraisal. Consider an employee who pays close at- tention to details. A positive appraisal might read, “Terry is a meticulous team member who takes care of details that others sometimes ignore.” But the same behavior might be described negatively: “Terry is hung up on trivial details.”

Advertisers carefully choose words with positive connotations. Expensive cars are never used; instead, they’re pre-owned, experienced, or even previously adored.18 Insurers emphasize what you want to protect (your home, your car, your life), rather than the losses you are insuring against (fire damage, auto accident, death). Credit card companies tell about what you can do with the card (charge a vacation), not the debt, payments, and fees involved.

Words may also connote categories. Some show status. Both salesperson and sales representative are nonsexist job titles. But the first sounds like a clerk in a store; the second suggests someone selling important items to corporate cus- tomers. Some words connote age: adorable generally connotes young children, not adults. Other words, such as handsome or pretty, connote gender.

Connotations change over time. The word charity had acquired such nega- tive connotations by the 19th century that people began to use the term welfare instead. Now, welfare has acquired negative associations. Most states have public assistance programs instead.

Ethical implications of word choice. How positively can we present some- thing and still be ethical? Pressure-treated lumber sounds acceptable. But nam- ing the material injected under pressure—arsenic-treated lumber—may lead the customer to make a different decision. We have the right to package our ideas attractively, but we have the responsibility to give the public or our superiors all the information they need to make decisions.

Word choices have ethical implications in other contexts as well. For exam- ple, as the racial and ethnic makeup of the US workforce has changed, more companies have adopted the language of “managing diversity.” People tend to view this language as positive, because it presumes employees’ differences can be an asset to their employer, not a source of difficulty. However, refer- ring to employees as resources to be managed places corporate financial inter- ests above employees’ human interests. The risk is that managers may forget ethical dimensions of how they treat their diverse employees.19

Familiar words. Use familiar words, words that are in almost everyone’s vo- cabulary. Use the word that most exactly conveys your meaning, but when- ever you can choose between two words that mean the same thing, use the shorter, more common one. Try to use specific, concrete words. They’re easier to understand and remember.20

A series of long, learned, abstract terms makes writing less interesting, less forceful, and less memorable. When you have something simple to say, use simple words.

The following list gives a few examples of short, simple alternatives:

Formal and stuffy Short and simple ameliorate improve commence begin enumerate list finalize finish, complete prioritize rank utilize use viable option choice

Selling Success in Plain English

If you’ve opened a mu- tual fund lately, you

might notice something different in the disclosure documents: there’s less to read. Several leading Wall Street financial service firms are simplifying their documentation.

James Gorman, retail-brokerage chief at Morgan Stanley, de- scribed the reason why his firm reduced the documentation from 136 pages in 14 documents to a single 48-page booklet. He noted that he did not understand all of the longer documentation, and the average person does not need that amount of information. Other financial services compa- nies are also streamlining their documents. Smith Barney, for in- stance, now offers clients a cus- tomized welcome package that includes a table of contents, in- struction pages, and only the disclosure information that is rel- evant to their funds. Banc of America Investment Services and Wachovia Securities are also rewriting their disclosure state- ments to reduce the amount of legalese and make the docu- ments easier to understand.

The purpose of the streamlin- ing is to encourage clients to read the information. In the past, some clients were reluctant to invest because they didn’t un- derstand the information or were simply overwhelmed with paper- work, including prospectuses. Bill Lutz, a consultant on plain English, also suggests that clearer language can help pro- tect the firms from liability by re- ducing the number of clients who claim that they didn’t under- stand what they were signing.

Adapted from Jaime Levy Pessin, “Wall Street Aims to Simplify Disclo- sures for Clients,” Wall Street Journal, October 31, 2006, D2.

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There are some exceptions to the general rule that “shorter is better”:

1. Use a long word if it is the only word that expresses your meaning exactly. 2. Use a long word if it is more familiar than a short word. Send out is better

than emit and a word in another language for a geographic place or area is better than exonym because more people know the first item in each pair.

3. Use a long word if its connotations are more appropriate. Exfoliate is better than scrape off dead skin cells.

4. Use a long word if your audience prefers it.

2. Use technical jargon sparingly; eliminate business jargon.

There are two kinds of jargon. The first kind of jargon is the specialized termi- nology of a technical field. LIFO and FIFO are technical terms in accounting; byte and baud are computer jargon; scale-free and pickled and oiled designate spe- cific characteristics of steel. A job application letter is the one occasion when it’s desirable to use technical jargon: using the technical terminology of the reader’s field helps suggest that you’re a peer who also is competent in that field. In other kinds of messages, use technical jargon only when the term is essential and known to the reader.

If a technical term has a “plain English” equivalent, use the simpler term. It is especially important to replace jargon with plain English when the spe- cialized meaning of the technical term is not in fact being used. Consider this example:

Jargon: Additional parameters for price exception reporting were established for non- stock labor buy costs.

Better: We decided to include nonstock labor buys of over $____ in the price excep- tion report.

Parameters is a term that is essential in mathematics and statistics, but it is rarely used properly in general business and administrative writing. As the re- vision shows, the real meaning here was simple; no technical term was needed.

The second kind of jargon is the businessese that some writers still use: as per your request, enclosed please find, please do not hesitate. None of the words in this second category of jargon are necessary. Indeed, some writers call these terms deadwood, since they are no longer living words. If any of the terms in the first column of Figure 4.6 show up in your writing, replace them with more modern language.

Acronyms can be par- ticularly daunting to

readers. Too often, an acronym has a different meaning for dif- ferent departments even within the same company. To look up the definition of an acronym, try using www.AcronymFinder.com, an acronym dictionary used by businesses, lawyers, translators, students, and savvy writers seeking acronym definitions. In fact, the site has a million visitors a month. In January 2007 it listed 528,000 acronyms, including 70 SAFEs, 126 FASTs, and 164 CATs. No wonder acronyms can be confusing.

Adapted from Barry Newman, “BTW, If You Need Info About C4ISR Read This ASAP; A Web Site’s Traffic Soars As Acronyms Proliferate; Sort- ing Out 164 CATs,” Wall Street Jour- nal, January 31, 2007, A1.

DUTA [Don’t Use That Acronym]

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As You Write and Revise Sentences At the sentence level, you can do many things to make your writing easy to read.

3. Use active verbs most of the time.

“Who does what” sentences with active verbs make your writing more forceful. A verb is active if the grammatical subject of the sentence does the action

the verb describes. A verb is passive if the subject is acted upon. Passives are usually made up of a form of the verb to be plus a past participle. Passive has nothing to do with past. Passives can be past, present, or future:

were received (in the past) is recommended (in the present) will be implemented (in the future)

To spot a passive, find the verb. If the verb describes something that the grammatical subject is doing, the verb is active. If the verb describes some- thing that is being done to the grammatical subject, the verb is passive.

Active Passive The customer received 500 Five hundred widgets were widgets. received by the customer. I recommend this method. This method is recommended

by me. The state agencies will implement The program will be implemented the program. by the state agencies.

Figure 4.6 Getting Rid of Business Jargon

Instead of Use Because

At your earliest convenience The date you need a response If you need it by a deadline, say so. It may never be convenient to respond.

As per your request; 65 miles As you requested; 65 miles an hour Per is a Latin word for by or for each. Use per hour per only when the meaning is correct;

avoid mixing English and Latin.

Enclosed please find Enclosed is; Here is An enclosure isn’t a treasure hunt. If you put something in the envelope, the reader will find it.

Forward same to this office. Return it to this office. Omit legal jargon.

Hereto, herewith Omit Omit legal jargon.

Please be advised; Please Omit—simply start your response You don’t need a preface. Go ahead and be informed start.

Please do not hesitate Omit Omit negative words.

Pursuant to According to; or omit Pursuant does not mean after. Omit legal jargon in any case.

Said order Your order Omit legal jargon.

This will acknowledge receipt Omit—start your response If you answer a letter, the reader knows you of your letter. got it.

Trusting this is satisfactory, Omit Eliminate -ing endings. When you are we remain through, stop.

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Verbs can be changed from active to passive by making the direct object (in the oval) the new subject (in the box). To change a passive verb to an active one, you must make the agent (“by_____ ” in �� ) the new subject. If no agent is specified in the sentence, you must supply one to make the sentence active.

Active Passive The plant manager approved The request was approved by the the request. �plant manager.� The committee will decide A decision will be made next next month. month. No agent in sentence.

[You] Send the customer a letter A letter will be sent informing the informing her about the change. customer of the change. No agent in

sentence.

If the sentence does not have a direct object in its active form, no passive equivalent exists.

Active No passive exists I would like to go to the conference. The freight charge will be about $1,400. The phone rang.

Passive verbs have at least three disadvantages:

1. If all the information in the original sentence is retained, passive verbs make the sentence longer. Passives take more time to understand.21

2. If the agent is omitted, it’s not clear who is responsible for doing the action. 3. Using many passive verbs, especially in material that has a lot of big

words, can make the writing boring and pompous.

Passive verbs are desirable in these situations:

1. Use passives to emphasize the object receiving the action, not the agent. Your order was shipped November 15.

The customer’s order, not the shipping clerk, is important. 2. Use passives to provide coherence within a paragraph. A sentence is eas-

ier to read if “old” information comes at the beginning of a sentence. When you have been discussing a topic, use the word again as your sub- ject even if that requires a passive verb.

The bank made several risky loans in the late 1990s. These loans were written off as “uncollectible” in 2001.

Using loans as the subject of the second sentence provides a link between the two sentences, making the paragraph as a whole easier to read.

3. Use passives to avoid assigning blame. The order was damaged during shipment.

An active verb would require the writer to specify who damaged the order. The passive here is more tactful.

According to PlainLanguage.gov, changing writing to active voice is the most powerful change that can be made to government documents.22

4. Use verbs—not nouns—to carry the weight of your sentence.

Put the weight of your sentence in the verb to make your sentences more forceful and up to 25% easier to read.23 When the verb is a form of the verb to be, revise the sentence to use a more forceful verb.

Writing for the Web

Writers preparing con- tent for a Web site

should keep in mind the physical demands of reading a computer screen. Reading a screen is more tiring than reading a printed page, so readers tend to scan. In- ternet users also tend to be in a hurry to find whatever they are looking for. Writing for the Web is therefore most effective when it follows these guidelines:

• Write concisely.

• Put the main point first; then provide details.

• Break up the text with headings that describe the content.

• Choose easy-to-read type fonts.

• Use informal and direct language; don’t try to be cute and clever.

• Keep hyperlinks to a minimum.

Adapted from Change Sciences Group, “Writing for the Web: Best Practices,” Change Sciences Re- search Brief (Irvington, NY: Change Sciences Group, 2003), downloaded at www. changesciences.com.

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Weak: The financial advantage of owning this equipment instead of leasing it is 10% after taxes.

Better: Owning this equipment rather than leasing it will save us 10% after taxes.

Nouns ending in -ment, -ion, and -al often hide verbs. make an adjustment adjust make a payment pay make a decision decide reach a conclusion conclude take into consideration consider make a referral refer provide assistance assist

Use verbs to present the information more forcefully.

Weak: We will perform an investigation of the problem.

Better: We will investigate the problem.

Weak: Selection of a program should be based on the client’s needs.

Better: Select the program that best fits the client’s needs.

5. Eliminate wordiness.

Writing is wordy if the same idea can be expressed in fewer words. Unneces- sary words increase writing time, bore your reader, and make your meaning more difficult to follow, since the reader must hold all the extra words in mind while trying to understand your meaning. Don Bush, the “friendly editor” columnist for intercom, calls wordiness the most obvious fault of technical writing.24

What’s in a Name? (3)

Watching the evening news is a ritual in

many homes across the nation. Families gather to learn about events in their hometowns and around the world. But what if the “news” you were watching was actually a commercial pretend- ing to be a news story?

In the summer of 2006, 77 tele- vision stations were contacted by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) regarding their inclusion of video news re- leases in their news program- ming. Video news releases are pre-packaged stories that are paid for, even created by, private companies or government agen- cies and that feature actors play- ing reporters. Critics of the practice call the releases “fake news” and worry that viewers won’t be able to differentiate the pre-packaged stories from true news reporting. The FCC is also concerned that the stations in- volved broadcast the releases without notifying viewers that the segment is dramatized or that the information is essentially paid propaganda.

Many news stories are based upon press releases generated by professionals at public rela- tions firms, but viewers trust newscasters to review the press releases and weed out fact from fiction. The danger of including video press releases within news broadcasts could be taint- ing the reputation and integrity of the entire profession.

Adapted from “FCC Queries TV Sta- tion on ‘Fake News,’ ” Des Moines Register, August 16, 2006, 14A.

Korean Air’s ad plays delightfully on connotations of relaxation.

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Good writing is concise, but it may still be lengthy. Concise writing may be long because it is packed with ideas. In Chapter 3, we saw that revisions to create you-attitude and positive emphasis ( pp. 76, 80, respectively) and to develop benefits were frequently longer than the originals because the revision added information not given in the original.

Sometimes you may be able to look at a draft and see immediately how to condense it. When the solution isn’t obvious, try the following strategies to condense your writing:

a. Eliminate words that add nothing. b. Use gerunds (the -ing form of verbs) and infinitives (the to form of verbs)

to make sentences shorter and smoother. c. Combine sentences to eliminate unnecessary words. d. Put the meaning of your sentence into the subject and verb to cut the num-

ber of words.

You eliminate unnecessary words to save the reader’s time, not simply to see how few words you can use. You aren’t writing a telegram, so keep the lit- tle words that make sentences complete. (Incomplete sentences are fine in lists where all the items are incomplete.)

The following examples show how to use these methods.

a. Eliminate words that add nothing. Cut words if the idea is already clear from other words in the sentence. Substitute single words for wordy phrases.

Wordy: Keep this information on file for future reference.

Better: Keep this information for reference.

or: File this information.

Wordy: Ideally, it would be best to put the billing ticket just below the monitor and above the keyboard.

Better: If possible, put the billing ticket between the monitor and the keyboard.

Phrases beginning with of, which, and that can often be shortened.

Wordy: the question of most importance

Better: the most important question

Wordy: the estimate which is enclosed

Better: the enclosed estimate

Wordy: We need to act on the suggestions that our customers offer us.

Better: We need to act on customer suggestions.

Sentences beginning with There are or It is can often be tighter.

Wordy: There are three reasons for the success of the project.

Tighter: Three reasons explain the project’s success.

Wordy: It is the case that college graduates advance more quickly in the company.

Tighter: College graduates advance more quickly in the company.

Check your draft. If you find these phrases, or any of the unnecessary words shown in Figure 4.7, eliminate them.

b. Use gerunds and infinitives to make sentences shorter and smoother. A gerund is the -ing form of a verb; grammatically, it is a verb used as a noun. In the sentence, “Running is my favorite activity,” running is the subject of the sentence. An infinitive is the form of the verb that is preceded by to: to run is the infinitive.

➠

Using Your Computer to Improve Style

Laser copies look so perfect that it can be

hard to edit them. But your com- puter can be an ally, not an en- emy, as you revise and edit.

• Use the “search” or “find” command to find potential errors. One student replaces every “is” and “are” with capital letters (“IS” and “ARE”) so that he can easily check his draft. Another replaces periods with several asterisks to check sentence integrity.

• Change the font or size. Putting your text in an unusual font or 24-point type can help you really see what you’ve said. (Just remember to change back to a standard font in a standard size before printing out the final version!)

• Ask a friend to edit, putting changes in all caps, so you can easily find them.

Adapted from Todd Taylor, “ ‘Soft Copy’ and the Illusion of Laser-Printed Text,” Technical Communication 42, no. 1 (February 1995): 169–70.

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In the revision below, a gerund (purchasing) and an infinitive (to transmit) tighten the sentence.

Wordy: A plant suggestion has been made where they would purchase a QWIP ma- chine for the purpose of transmitting test reports between plants.

Tighter: The plant suggests purchasing a QWIP machine to transmit test reports be- tween plants.

Even when gerunds and infinitives do not greatly affect length, they often make sentences smoother and more conversational.

c. Combine sentences to eliminate unnecessary words. In addition to saving words, combining sentences focuses the reader’s attention on key points, makes your writing sound more sophisticated, and sharpens the rela- tionship between ideas, thus making your writing more coherent.

Wordy: I conducted this survey by telephone on Sunday, April 21. I questioned two groups of upperclassmen—male and female—who, according to the Student Directory, were still living in the dorms. The purpose of this survey was to find out why some upperclassmen continue to live in the dorms even though they are no longer required by the University to do so. I also wanted to find out if there were any differences between male and female upperclassmen in their reasons for choosing to remain in the dorms.

Tighter: On Sunday, April 21, I phoned upperclassmen and women living in the dorms to find out (1) why they continue to live in the dorms even though they are no longer required to do so, and (2) whether men and women gave the same rea- sons for staying in the dorms.

d. Put the meaning of your sentence into the subject and verb to cut the number of words. Put the core of your meaning into the subject and verb of your main clause. Think about what you mean and try saying the same thing in several different ways. Some alternatives will be tighter than others. Choose the tightest one.

Figure 4.7 Words to Cut

Substitute a single word for a wordy Cut the following words Cut redundant words phrase

quite a period of three months at the present time now

really during the course of the negotiations due to the fact that because

very during the year of 2004 in order to to

maximum possible in the event that if

past experience in the near future soon (or give the date)

plan in advance on a regular basis regularly

refer back prior to the start of before

the color blue until such time as until

the state of Texas

true facts

The Benefits of Plain English

Allen-Bradley spent two years converting its manu- als to plain English. The work is paying off in five ways. (1) Phone calls asking questions about the products have dropped from 50 a day to only 2 a month. (2) The sales force is selling more sys- tems because people can learn about them more quickly. (3) Distributors spend less time on site teaching customers about products. (4) The clearer documents are easier to trans- late into Japanese, German, and French for international sales. (5) The tighter docu- ments cost less to print, espe- cially when translated into Arabic and German, which re- quire 125% more space than the same content in English.

Adapted from Barry Jereb, “Plain English on the Plant Floor,” Plain Lan- guage: Principles and Practice, ed. Edwin R. Steinberg (Detroit: Wayne State University Press, 1991), 213.

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Wordy: The reason we are recommending the computerization of this process is be- cause it will reduce the time required to obtain data and will give us more ac- curate data.

Better: Computerizing the process will give us more accurate data more quickly.

Wordy: The purpose of this letter is to indicate that if we are unable to mutually benefit from our seller/buyer relationship, with satisfactory material and satisfactory payment, then we have no alternative other than to sever the relationship. In other words, unless the account is handled in 45 days, we will have to change our terms to a permanent COD basis.

Better: A good buyer/seller relationship depends upon satisfactory material and pay- ment. You can continue to charge your purchases from us only if you clear your present balance in 45 days.

6.Vary sentence length and sentence structure.

Readable prose mixes sentence lengths and varies sentence structure. A really short sentence (under 10 words) can add punch to your prose. Really long sen- tences (over 30 or 40 words) are danger signs.

You can vary sentence patterns in several ways. First, you can mix simple, compound, and complex sentences. (See Appendix B ➠ for more information on sentence structure.) Simple sentences have one main clause:

We will open a new store this month.

Compound sentences have two main clauses joined with and, but, or, or an- other conjunction. Compound sentences work best when the ideas in the two clauses are closely related.

We have hired staff, and they will complete their training next week.

We wanted to have a local radio station broadcast from the store during its grand open- ing, but the DJs were already booked.

Complex sentences have one main and one subordinate clause; they are good for showing logical relationships.

When the stores open, we will have specials in every department.

Because we already have a strong customer base in the northwest, we expect the new store to be just as successful as the store in the City Center Mall.

You can also vary sentences by changing the order of elements. Normally the subject comes first.

We will survey customers later in the year to see whether demand warrants a third store on campus.

To create variety, occasionally begin the sentence with some other part of the sentence.

Later in the year, we will survey customers to see whether demand warrants a third store on campus.

To see whether demand warrants a third store on campus, we will survey customers later in the year.

Use these guidelines for sentence length and structure:

• Always edit sentences for conciseness. Even a 17-word sentence can be wordy. • When your subject matter is complicated or full of numbers, make a spe-

cial effort to keep sentences short.

What’s in a Name (4)

Some restaurants use humorous names for

their dishes so patrons will talk about them to their friends.

• Sticky Fingers RibHouses, a South Carolina–based chain, calls its onion appetizer Git- R-D’onions.

• David Burke at Bloomingdales, New York, offers Angry Roasted Hen-in-Law: a roasted chicken which comes with a knife in its back.

• Spy City Café, next to Washington’s Spy Museum, serves Disguise Dogs, hotdogs which come with a selection of 15 toppings (“disguises”).

Adapted from Judy Mandell, “Name That Dish: Menu Writing Gets Cre- ative,” USA Weekend, March 18, 2007, 19.

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• Use long sentences: To show how ideas are linked to each other. To avoid a series of short, choppy sentences. To reduce repetition.

• Group the words in long and medium-length sentences into chunks that the reader can process quickly.

• When you use a long sentence, keep the subject and verb close together.

Let’s see how to apply the last three principles.

• Use long sentences to show how ideas are linked to each other, to avoid a series of short, choppy sentences, and to reduce repetition. The fol- lowing sentence is hard to read not simply because it is long but because it is shapeless. Just cutting it into a series of short, choppy sentences does- n’t help. The best revision uses medium-length sentences to show the re- lationship between ideas.

Too long: It should also be noted in the historical patterns presented in the summary, that though there were delays in January and February which we realized were occurring, we are now back where we were about a year ago, and that we are not off line in our collect receivables as compared to last year at this time, but we do show a considerable over-budget figure because of an ultraconservative goal on the receivable investment.

Choppy: There were delays in January and February. We knew about them at the time. We are now back where we were about a year ago. The summary shows this. Our present collect receivables are in line with last year’s. How- ever, they exceed the budget. The reason they exceed the budget is that our goal for receivable investment was very conservative.

Better: As the summary shows, although there were delays in January and Febru- ary (of which we were aware), we have now regained our position of a year ago. Our present collect receivables are in line with last year’s, but they ex- ceed the budget because our goal for receivable investment was very conservative.

• Group the words in long and medium-length sentences into chunks. The “better” revision above has seven chunks. At 27 and 24 words, respectively, these sentences aren’t short, but they’re readable because no chunk is longer than 10 words. Any sentence pattern will get boring if it is repeated sentence after sentence. Use different sentence patterns—different kinds and lengths of chunks—to keep your prose interesting.

• Keep the subject and verb close together. Often you can move the subject and verb closer together if you put the modifying material in a list at the end of the sentence. For maximum readability, present the list vertically.

Hard to read: Movements resulting from termination, layoffs and leaves, recalls and reinstates, transfers in, transfers out, promotions in, promotions out, and promotions within are presently documented through the Payroll Authorization Form.

Better: The Payroll Authorization Form documents the following movements:

• Termination

• Layoffs and leaves

• Recalls and reinstates

• Transfers in and out

• Promotions in, out, and within

When you’re writing for readers in another

country, be careful to adjust your writing style to the new culture. Even the English language changes when you leave the United States. American spelling in documents for audiences who have learned British English can be annoying to readers. Remem- ber that spelling is cultural, so adjust your writing to suit your readers, even if that means writ- ing grey, analyse, colour, centre, familiarise, and catalogue. Ad- justing your style and your spelling for international audi- ences demonstrates respect for their cultures.

If you’re adapting your text for an international audience, go beyond a dictionary. Localize your document by asking a na- tive speaker from your target country (or countries) to read the document and note any problematic words, phrases, images, or examples.

Adapted from James Calvert Scott, “American and British Business- Related Spelling Differences,” Busi- ness Communication Quarterly 67, no. 3 (2004): 153–67.

Writing for International Audiences

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Sometimes you will need to change the verb and revise the word order to put the modifying material at the end of the sentence.

Hard to read: The size sequence code that is currently used for sorting the items in the NOSROP lists and the composite stock lists is not part of the online file.

Smoother: The online file does not contain the size sequence code used for sort- ing the items in the composite stock lists and the NOSROP lists.

7. Use parallel structure.

Parallel structure puts words, phrases, or clauses in the same grammatical and logical form. In the following faulty example, by reviewing is a gerund, while note is an imperative verb. Make the sentence parallel by using both gerunds or both imperatives.

Faulty: Errors can be checked by reviewing the daily exception report or note the number of errors you uncover when you match the lading copy with the file copy of the invoice.

Parallel: Errors can be checked by reviewing the daily exception report or by noting the number of errors you uncover when you match the lading copy with the file copy of the invoice.

Also To check errors, note

parallel: 1. The number of items on the daily exception report.

2. The number of errors discovered when the lading copy and the file copy are matched.

Note that a list in parallel structure must fit grammatically into the umbrella sentence that introduces the list.

Words must also be logically parallel. In the following faulty example, juniors, seniors, and athletes are not three separate groups. The revision groups words into nonoverlapping categories.

Faulty: I interviewed juniors and seniors and athletes.

Parallel: I interviewed juniors and seniors. In each rank, I interviewed athletes and nonathletes.

Parallel structure is a powerful device for making your writing tighter, smoother, and more forceful. As Figure 4.8 shows, parallelism often enables you to tighten your writing. To make your writing as tight as possible, elimi- nate repetition in parallel lists; see Figure 4.9.

8. Put your readers in your sentences.

Use second-person pronouns (you) rather than third-person (he, she, one) to give your writing more impact. You is both singular and plural; it can refer to a single person or to every member of your organization.

These are the benefits the customer gets.

Customer Benefits

• Use tracking information. • Our products let them scale

the software to their needs. • The customer can always

rely on us.

Faulty Parallel

• Tracking information • Scalability • Reliability

Figure 4.8 Use Parallelism to Tighten Your Writing.

When you know that something will be

translated into another language, avoid figurative language, im- ages, and humor. They don’t translate well.

“Consider the American copy- writer who prepared a cam- paign on snowblowers for the European market without giving a thought to translations. . . . ‘Su- per Snow Hound’ [was] the most powerful model. . . . The copy- writer wrote the headline: ‘Super Snow Hound Blows Up a Storm.’ You can imagine the difficulty of retaining the idiom and connota- tions of ‘blows’ for snowblower and ‘up a storm’ for heavy duty performance in a snow storm.”

Paragraph 2 quoted from Robert F. Roth, International Marketing Commu- nications (Chicago: Crain, 1982), 139.

Writing to Be Translated

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Third-person: Funds in a participating employee’s account at the end of each six months will automatically be used to buy more stock unless a “Notice of Election Not to Exercise Purchase Rights” form is received from the employee.

Second-person: Once you begin to participate, funds in your account at the end of each six months will automatically be used to buy more stock unless you turn in a “Notice of Election Not to Exercise Purchase Rights” form.

Be careful to use you only when it refers to your reader.

Incorrect: My visit with the outside sales rep showed me that your schedule can change quickly.

Correct: My visit with the outside sales rep showed me that schedules can change quickly.

As You Write and Revise Paragraphs Paragraphs are visual and logical units. Use them to chunk your sentences.

9. Begin most paragraphs with topic sentences.

A good paragraph has unity; that is, it discusses only one idea, or topic. The topic sentence states the main idea and provides a scaffold to structure your document. Your writing will be easier to read if you make the topic sentence explicit and put it at the beginning of the paragraph.25

Hard to read In fiscal 2001, the company filed claims for refund of federal income (no topic taxes of $3,199,000 and interest of $969,000 paid as a result of an sentence): examination of the company’s federal income tax returns by the In-

ternal Revenue Service (IRS) for the years 1997 through 1999. It is uncertain what amount, if any, may ultimately be recovered.

Better (paragraph The company and the IRS disagree about whether the company is starts with topic responsible for back taxes. In fiscal 2001, the company filed claims sentence): for a refund of federal income taxes of $3,199,000 and interest of

$969,000 paid as a result of an examination of the company’s fed- eral income tax returns by the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) for the years 1997 through 1999. It is uncertain what amount, if any, may ultimately be recovered.

A good topic sentence forecasts the structure and content of the paragraph.

Plan B also has economic advantages.

(Prepares the reader for a discussion of B’s economic advantages.)

PowerPoint reports work best when

• The audience is well-defined. • Visuals can carry the message. • Oral comments can explain and

connect ideas.

• They work best when the audience is well-defined. • They work best when visuals can

carry the message. • They work best when oral

comments can explain and connect ideas.

Wordy Concise

PowerPoint Reports

Figure 4.9 Eliminate Repeated Words in Parallel Lists. Reader-Friendly Topic Sentences

The best topic sen- tences have a you-

attitude. They reflect the reader’s interests and feelings.

If you are selling an idea to management, this means your topic sentences will emphasize the business benefits of your idea. Managers will want to know whether your idea will add to sales or cut costs. The details fol- lowing your topic sentence should tell how your idea will pro- vide these benefits. If possible, test your idea ahead of time, so you can back up your statement with facts, not just opinions.

If you are selling an idea to employees, each topic sen- tence should focus on benefits to them. For example, if you are writing about a new computer system, the order clerk will want to know how it will make the work easier or improve his or her performance. The clerk is less interested in financial sta- tistics like inventory turnover and gross profits.

The same principles apply to answering objections. If an em- ployee objects to a change by saying, “I’ve never done that before,” a wise supervisor might reply, “Exactly. It’s an opportu- nity to gain experience.”

Adapted from Ted Pollock, “How to Sell an Idea,” Supervision 64, no.6 (June 2003): 15–16.

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We had several personnel changes in June.

(Prepares the reader for a list of the month’s terminations and hires.)

Employees have complained about one part of our new policy on parental leaves.

(Prepares the reader for a discussion of the problem.)

When the first sentence of a paragraph is not the topic sentence, readers who skim may miss the main point. Move the topic sentence to the beginning of the paragraph. If the paragraph does not have a topic sentence, you will need to write one. If you can’t think of a single sentence that serves as an “umbrella” to cover every sentence, the paragraph lacks unity. To solve the problem, either split the paragraph into two or eliminate the sentence that digresses from the main point.

10. Use transitions to link ideas.

Transition words and sentences signal the connections between ideas to the reader. Transitions tell whether the next sentence continues the previous thought or starts a new idea; they can tell whether the idea that comes next is more or less important than the previous thought. Figure 4.10 lists some of the most common transition words and phrases.

Readability Formulas and Good Style Readability formulas attempt to measure objectively how easy something is to read. However, since they don’t take many factors into account, the formulas are at best a very limited guide to good style.

Computer packages that analyze style may give you a readability score. Some states’ “plain English” laws require consumer contracts to meet a certain readability score. Some companies require that warranties and other con- sumer documents meet certain scores.

Readability formulas depend heavily on word length and sentence length. But as researchers Janice C. Redish and Jack Selzer have shown,26

using shorter words and sentences will not necessarily make a passage easy to read. Short words are not always easy to understand, especially if they have technical meanings (e.g., waive, bear market, liquid). Short, choppy

Figure 4.10 Transition Words and Phrases

To show addition or To introduce an example To show that the To show time continuation of the for example (e.g.) contrast is more after same idea for instance important than the as and indeed previous idea before also to illustrate but in the future first, second, third namely however next in addition specifically nevertheless then likewise To contrast on the contrary until similarly in contrast To show cause and effect when

To introduce another on the other hand as a result while important item or because To summarize or end furthermore consequently finally moreover for this reason in conclusion

therefore

I Didn’t Mean That

[Walden O’Dell, for- mer CEO of Diebold,

an Ohio manufacturer of ATMs and other machines,] “wrote in a fund-raising letter for President Bush that he was ‘committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the president.’ That commitment raised ethics ques- tions because Diebold makes voting machines.”

Quoted from Carol Hymowitz, “Diebold’s New Chief Shows How to Lead After a Sudden Rise,” Wall Street Journal, May 8, 2006, B1.

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sentences and sentence fragments are actually harder to understand than well-written medium-length sentences.

No reading formula yet devised takes into account three factors that influ- ence how easy a text is to read: the complexity of the ideas, the organization of the ideas, and the layout and design of the document.

Instead of using readability formulas to measure style, the Document De- sign Center recommends that you test your draft with the people for whom it is designed. How long does it take them to find the information they need? Do they make mistakes when they try to use the document? Do they think the document is easy to use? Answers to these questions can give us much more accurate information than any readability score.

Organizational Preferences for Style Different organizations and bosses may legitimately have different ideas about what constitutes good writing. If the style the company prefers seems reasonable, use it. If the style doesn’t seem reasonable—if you work for some- one who likes flowery language or wordy paragraphs, for example—you have several choices.

• Go ahead and use the techniques in this chapter. Sometimes seeing good writing changes people’s minds about the style they prefer.

• Help your boss learn about writing. Show him or her this book or the re- search cited in the notes to demonstrate how a clear, crisp style makes documents easier to read.

• Recognize that a style may serve other purposes than communication. An abstract, hard-to-read style may help a group forge its own identity. James Suchan and Ronald Dulek have shown that Navy officers pre- ferred a passive, impersonal style because they saw themselves as follow- ers. An aircraft company’s engineers saw wordiness as the verbal equivalent of backup systems. A backup is redundant but essential to safety, because parts and systems do fail.27 When big words, jargon, and wordiness are central to a group’s self-image, change will be difficult, since changing style will mean changing the corporate culture.

• Ask. Often the documents that end up in files aren’t especially good; later, other workers may find these and copy them, thinking they represent a corporate standard. Bosses may in fact prefer better writing.

Building a good style takes energy and effort, but it’s well worth the work. Good style can make every document more effective; good style can help make you the good writer so valuable to every organization.

Summary of Key Points • Good style in business and administrative writing is less formal, more

friendly, and more personal than the style usually used for term papers. • To improve your style,

• Try WIRMI: What I Really Mean Is. Then write the words. • Try reading your draft out loud to someone. If the words sound awk-

ward, they’ll seem awkward to a reader, too. • Ask someone else to read your draft out loud. Readers stumble because

the words on the page aren’t what they expect to see. The places where that person stumbles are places where your writing can be better.

• Write a lot.

Gifts Defined

“[Wal-mart corporate headquarters meet-

ing rooms have] nothing on a wall save a poster labeled ‘Gifts and Gratuities.’ It reads: It is our policy that associates of the Company, regardless of their capac- ity, do not accept for their personal benefits, gratuities, tips, cash, sam- ples, etc., from anyone buying from us or selling to us, or in any way serving our company.

In case anyone misses the point, the poster goes on to de- fine gifts and gratuities as in- cluding: tickets to entertainment events, kickbacks in the form of money or merchandise, special discounts, sample merchandise, Christmas gifts, or meals. There is no ‘de minimis’ rule; even a cup of coffee is forbidden.”

What do you think of Wal- mart’s definition of “gifts and gratuities”? Is the definition too restrictive? What benefits does it offer employees?

Quoted from Alan Murray, “Wal-Mart’s Lesson for Wall Street,” Wall Street Journal, December 13, 2006, A2.

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• Use the following techniques to make your writing easier to read. As you choose words, 1. Use words that are accurate, appropriate, and familiar. Denotation is a

word’s literal meaning; connotation is the emotional coloring that a word conveys.

2. Use technical jargon only when it is essential and known to the reader. Eliminate business jargon.

As you write and revise sentences, 3. Use active verbs most of the time. Active verbs are better because they

are shorter, clearer, and more interesting. 4. Use verbs—not nouns—to carry the weight of your sentence. 5. Eliminate wordiness. Writing is wordy if the same idea can be ex-

pressed in fewer words. a. Eliminate words that add nothing. b. Use gerunds and infinitives to make sentences shorter and smoother. c. Combine sentences to eliminate unnecessary words. d. Put the meaning of your sentence into the subject and verb to cut

the number of words. 6. Vary sentence length and sentence structure. 7. Use parallel structure. Use the same grammatical form for ideas that

have the same logical function. 8. Put your readers in your sentences.

As you write and revise paragraphs, 9. Begin most paragraphs with topic sentences so that readers know what

to expect in the paragraph. 10. Use transitions to link ideas.

• Readability formulas are not a sufficient guide to style. They imply that all short words and all short sentences are equally easy to read; they ignore other factors that make a document easy or hard to read: the complexity of the ideas, the organization of the ideas, and the layout and design of the document.

• Different organizations and bosses may legitimately have different ideas about what constitutes good writing.

C H A P T E R 4 Exercises and Problems

4.1 Reviewing the Chapter

1. What are some half-truths about style? (LO 1 and 2) 2. How do I evaluate writing rules? (LO 3) 3. What are some ways I can make my sentences more

effective? (LO 1 and 2)

4. What are some ways I can make my paragraphs more effective? (LO 2)

5. How can I adapt good style to organization preferences? (LO 3)

4.2 Identifying Words with Multiple Denotations

a. Each of the following words has several denotations. How many can you list without going to a dictionary? How many additional meanings does a good dictionary list?

browser log court table

b. List five words that have multiple denotations.

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4.3 Explaining Bypassing

Show how different denotations make bypassing possi- ble in the following examples. a. France and Associates: Protection from

Professionals

b. We were not able to account for the outstanding amount of plastic waste generated each year.

c. I scanned the résumés when I received them.

4.4 Evaluating Connotations

a. Identify the connotations of each of the following metaphors for a multicultural nation. melting pot mosaic tapestry

crazy quilt garden salad stew tributaries

b. Which connotations seem most positive? Why?

4.5 Evaluating the Ethical Implication of Connotations

In each of the following pairs, identify the more favor- able term. When is its use justifiable? 1. wasted/sacrificed 2. illegal alien/immigrant 3. friendly fire/enemy attack

4. terminate/fire 5. inaccuracy/lying 6. budget/spending plan 7. feedback/criticism

4.6 Correcting Errors in Denotation and Connotation

Identify and correct the errors in denotation or connota- tion in the following sentences: 1. In our group, we weeded out the best idea each

person had thought of. 2. She is a prudent speculator. 3. The three proposals are diametrically opposed to

each other.

4. While he researched companies, he was literally glued to the Web.

5. Our backpacks are hand sewn by one of roughly 16 individuals.

4.7 Using Connotations to Shape Response

Write two sentences to describe each of the following sit- uations. In one sentence, use words with positive conno- tations; in the other, use negative words. 1. Chris doesn’t spend time on small talk.

2. Chris often starts work on a new project without being told to do so.

3. As a supervisor, Chris gives very specific instructions to subordinates.

4.8 Choosing Levels of Formality

Identify the more formal word in each pair. Which term is better for most business documents? Why? 1. adapted to geared to 2. befuddled confused

3. assistant helper 4. pilot project testing the waters 5. cogitate think

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4.9 Eliminating Jargon and Simplifying Language

Revise these sentences to eliminate jargon and to use short, familiar words. 1. When the automobile company announced its

strategic downsizing initiative, it offered employees a career alternative enhancement program.

2. Any alterations must be approved during the 30- day period commencing 60 days prior to the expiration date of the agreement.

3. As per your request, the undersigned has obtained estimates of upgrading our computer system. A copy of the estimated cost is attached hereto.

4. Please be advised that this writer is in considerable need of a new computer.

5. Enclosed please find the proposed draft for the employee negative retention plan. In the event that you have alterations which you would like to suggest, forward same to my office at your earliest convenience.

4.10 Changing Verbs from Passive to Active

Identify the passive verbs in the following sentences and convert them to active verbs. In some cases, you may need to add information to do so. You may use different words as long as you retain the basic meaning of the sen- tence. Remember that imperative verbs are active, too. 1. For a customer to apply for benefits, an application

must be completed. 2. The cost of delivering financial services is being

slashed by computers, the Internet, and toll-free phone lines.

3. When the vacation schedule is finalized it is recommended that it be routed to all supervisors for final approval.

4. As stated in my résumé, I have designed Web pages for three student organizations.

5. Material must not be left on trucks outside the warehouse. Either the trucks must be parked inside the warehouse or the material must be unloaded at the time of receiving the truck.

4.11 Using Strong Verbs

Revise each of the following sentences to replace hidden verbs with active verbs. 1. An understanding of stocks and bonds is important

if one wants to invest wisely. 2. We must undertake a calculation of expected

revenues and expenses for the next two years. 3. The production of clear and concise documents is

the mark of a successful communicator. 4. We hope to make use of the company’s Web site to

promote the new product line.

5. If you wish to be eligible for the Miller scholarship, you must complete an application by January 31.

6. When you make an evaluation of media buys, take into consideration the demographics of the group seeing the ad.

7. We provide assistance to clients in the process of reaching a decision about the purchase of hardware and software.

4.12 Reducing Wordiness

1. Eliminate words that say nothing. You may use different words. a. There are many businesses that are active in

community and service work. b. The purchase of a new computer will allow us

to produce form letters quickly. In addition, return on investment could be calculated for proposed repairs. Another use is that the computer could check databases to make sure that claims are paid only once.

c. Our decision to enter the South American market has precedence in the past activities of the company.

2. Use gerunds and infinitives to make these sentences shorter and smoother. a. The completion of the project requires the

collection and analysis of additional data. b. The purchase of laser printers will make

possible the in-house production of the newsletter.

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4.13 Improving Parallel Structure

Revise each of the following sentences to create paral- lelism. 1. The orientation session will cover the following

information: • Company culture will be discussed. • How to use the equipment. • You will get an overview of key customers’

needs. 2. Five criteria for a good Web page are content that

serves the various audiences, attention to details, and originality. It is also important to have effective

organization and navigation devices. Finally, provide attention to details such as revision date and the Webmaster’s address.

3. When you leave a voice-mail message, • Summarize your main point in a sentence or two. • The name and phone number should be given

slowly and distinctly. • The speaker should give enough information so

that the recipient can act on the message. • Tell when you’ll be available to receive the

recipient’s return call.

4.14 Putting Readers in Your Sentences

Revise each of the following sentences to put readers in them. As you revise, use active verbs and simple words. 1. Mutual funds can be purchased from banks,

brokers, financial planners, or from the fund itself. 2. I would like to take this opportunity to invite you

back to Global Wireless. As a previous customer we have outstanding new rate plans to offer you and your family. We invite you to review the rate plans

on the attached page and choose the one that best fits your needs. All our customers are important to us.

3. Another aspect of the university is campus life, with an assortment of activities and student groups to participate in and lectures and sports events to attend.

4.15 Editing Sentences to Improve Style

Revise these sentences to make them smoother, less wordy, and easier to read. Eliminate jargon and repeti- tion. Keep the information; you may reword or reorgan- ize it. If the original is not clear, you may need to add information to write a clear revision. 1. There are many different topics that you will read

about on a monthly basis once you subscribe to Inc. 2. With the new organic fertilizer, you’ll see an

increase in the quality of your tomatoes and the number grown.

3. New procedure for customer service employees: Please be aware effective immediately, if a customer is requesting a refund of funds applied to their account a front and back copy of the check must be submitted if the transaction is over $500.00. For

example, if the customer is requesting $250.00 back, and the total amount of the transaction is $750.00, a front and back copy of the check will be needed to obtain the refund.

4. The county will benefit from implementing flextime. • Offices will stay open longer for more business. • Staff turnover will be lower. • Easier business communication with states in

other time zones. • Increased employee productivity.

5. There is a seasonality factor in the workload, with the heaviest being immediately prior to quarterly due dates for estimated tax payments.

c. The treasurer has the authority for the investment of assets for the gain of higher returns.

3. Combine sentences to show how ideas are related and to eliminate unnecessary words.

a. Some customers are profitable for companies. Other customers actually cost the company money.

b. If you are unable to come to the session on HMOs, please call the human resources office.

You will be able to schedule another time to ask questions you may have about the various options.

c. Major Japanese firms often have employees who know English well. US companies negotiating with Japanese companies should bring their own interpreters.

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4.17 Using Topic Sentences

4.18 Revising Paragraphs

Revise each paragraph to make it easier to read. Change, rearrange, or delete words and sentences; add any mate- rial necessary. a. Once a new employee is hired, each one has to be

trained for a week by one of our supervisors at a cost of $1,000 each which includes the supervisor’s time. This amount also includes half of the new employee’s salary, since new hires produce only half the normal production per worker for the week. This summer $24,000 was spent in training 24 new employees. Absenteeism increased in the department on the hottest summer days. For every day each worker is absent we lose $200 in lost production. This past summer there was a total of 56 absentee days taken for a total loss of $11,200 in lost production. Turnover and absenteeism were the causes of an unnecessary expenditure of over $35,000 this summer.

b. One service is investments. General financial news and alerts about companies in the customer’s portfolio are available. Quicken also provides assistance in finding the best mortgage rate and in providing assistance in making the decision whether to refinance a mortgage. Another service from Quicken is advice for the start and management of a small business. Banking services, such as paying bills and applying for loans, have long been available to Quicken subscribers. The taxpayer can be walked through the tax preparation process by Quicken. Someone considering retirement can use Quicken to ascertain whether the amount being set aside for this purpose is sufficient. Quicken’s Web site provides seven services.

4.19 Writing Paragraphs

As you instructor directs, write a paragraph on one or more of the following topics. a. Discuss your ideal job. b. Summarize a recent article from a business

magazine or newspaper. c. Explain how technology is affecting the field you

plan to enter. d. Explain why you have or have not decided to work

while you attend college.

e. Write a profile of someone who is successful in the field you hope to enter.

As your instructor directs,

a. Label topic sentences, active verbs, and parallel structure.

b. Edit a classmate’s paragraphs to make the writing even tighter and smoother.

4.16 Practicing Plain Language

Working with a partner, create three sentences that feature problematic elements that mask meaning.

• Sentence 1: wordiness and/or euphemisms • Sentence 2: jargon from your field of study

• Sentence 3: words with multiple denotations or connotations

Then exchange your sentences with another team and rewrite their sentences into plain language.

Make each of the following paragraphs more readable by opening each paragraph with a topic sentence. You may be able to find a topic sentence in the paragraph and move it to the beginning. In other cases, you’ll need to write a new sentence. 1. At Disney World, a lunch put on an expense account

is “on the mouse.” McDonald’s employees “have ketchup in their veins.” Business slang flourishes at companies with rich corporate cultures. Memos at Procter & Gamble are called “reco’s” because the model P&G memo begins with a recommendation.

2. The first item on the agenda is the hiring for the coming year. George has also asked that we review the agency

goals for the next fiscal year. We should cover this early in the meeting since it may affect our hiring preferences. Finally, we need to announce the deadlines for grant proposals, decide which grants to apply for, and set up a committee to draft each proposal.

3. Separate materials that can be recycled from your regular trash. Pass along old clothing, toys, or appliances to someone else who can use them. When you purchase products, choose those with minimal packaging. If you have a yard, put your yard waste and kitchen scraps (excluding meat and fat) in a compost pile. You can reduce the amount of solid waste your household produces in four ways.

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4.20 Mosaic Case

As the junior manager of the communications for the physical Mosaic’s stores, Demetri constantly receives emails from the accounting department. For example, he needs to know the furniture pieces that have the best selling status so he can create appropriate promotional sales materials.

Unfortunately, there is a new accountant—Steve— who constantly uses bureaucratic jargon and awkward sentence construction in his e-mails.

Here is the latest e-mail Demetri received this morning:

To: [email protected] From: [email protected] Subject: Unspecified

Dear Mr. Demetri,

Pursuant to our conversation yesterday on the telephone, enclosed please find the needed sales figure for the past quarter of the current year. It should be noted that the figures presented herein include numbers on the most recent sales data for this quar- ter minus this past week prior to the official ending of the quarter.

At the request of the conversation that occurred with you, I have taken the liberty to commence prioritizing the furniture pieces that seemed to have the most impressive routine sales during the initial and final weeks of the sales quarter.

Should you have any further questions on this important and high priority issue that I need to take into consideration, please don’t hesitate to contact me about your con- cerns at your earliest convenience so that we can discuss them at length until both parties can reach an agreed upon resolution.

Sincerely Yours, Steve R.

All of the e-mails Demetri receives from Steve are similar to this one. Sometimes Demetri has to read the e-mails three or four times before he can even figure out what Steve is trying to say, which ultimately is a factor in productivity for Demetri and everyone else at Mosaic who has to read Steve’s e-mails.

After reading this latest e-mail this morning, Demetri printed it out and showed his boss, Yvonne. “Can I do something about this?” he asked.

“Sure. He should know better! Send him an e-mail letting him know what he can do to improve his writing and how his level of formality is inappropriate. You have my green light,” Yvonne said, while making her infamous imagi- nary quote marks in the air when she said “green light.”

Take on the communication task of Demetri and send an e-mail to Steve that offers some ways he can improve his writing style based on the techniques out- lined in this chapter.