FOR ARISTOTLE ONLY

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Getting Acquainted with Ourselves and Others

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Arguments Remind me Of hot grease In a skillet.

I can’t Control Where it Will pop next;

And if I don’t Stand back Or turn the Fire down.

I’ll get All splattered And Burned.

Delyn Dendy Harrison Some Things Are Better Said in Black and White .

Fort Worth, TX: Branch Smith, Inc., 1978. Used with permission.

Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict

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Actually, the list could go on and on, but the fact is clear: when two or more people live or work closely together, for any length of time, a degree of con- fl ict will be generated (O’Neill and Chapman 2007). Furthermore, the greater the emotional involvement and day-to-day sharing, the greater the potential for confl ict. Although it is impossible to eliminate confl ict, there are ways to manage it eff ectively. Th ere is hope for healthier, stronger, and more satisfying relationships.

What Is Confl ict?

Th e word confl ict comes from the Latin roots com meaning “together,” and fi gere meaning to “strike.” Common synonyms of confl ict emphasize words like “struggle,” “fi ght,” “clash,” and “sharp disagreements.” Using these thoughts, Joyce Hocker and William Wilmot (2005) provide an interest- ing defi nition of confl ict. Th eir idea is that confl ict is an expressed struggle between at least two people who perceive the situation diff erently and are experiencing interference from the other person in achieving their goals. Author Jeff rey Rubin (1994) and his colleagues add some additional insights: confl ict is a perception that one person’s goals, plans, and aspirations are incompatible with another’s.

What causes these struggles, interferences, and perceptions?

What Causes Confl ict?

Confl icts occur between people because people are diff erent, think diff er- ently, and have diff erent needs and wants. In fact, social psychologist Morton Deutsch (2006) believes that confl icts usually involve any of six basic types of issues: 1) control over resources, 2) preferences and nuisances, 3) values, 4) beliefs, 5) goals , and 6) the nature of the relationship between the partners.

Perhaps the key word is diff erentness, because this is what causes confl ict in human relationships. Diff erentness is a reality to reckon with, and the reality is that people enter relationships with diff erences in socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds, sex-role expectations, levels of self-esteem, ability to tolerate stress, tastes and preferences, beliefs and values, interests, social and family networks, and capacity to change and grow. And, add to these diff erences that many people are defi cient in communication and confl ict resolution skills and frequently have misunderstood styles of confl ict management (Tannen 2001). Th erefore, it is easy to understand why diff erentness leads to disagreement and confl ict.

E verything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

CARL JUNG

Think about this Have you ever found yourself in one of the following situations?

You and your spouse seem to be in constant disagreement. Can this marriage be saved? Your parents have really been yelling at you. Th ey do not understand you, and you do not understand them. You and your roommate cannot seem to divide the chores equally. Is there any hope for this living

arrangement? You and your best friend had a major argument. You left mad and hurt. You and your co-workers have been squabbling and productivity is down. Th e boss is really angry.

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The Realities of Confl ict

Even though confl ict is inevitable, it can have positive as well as negative eff ects. Th omas Gordan (2000), noted author and psychologist, explains this clearly:

A confl ict is the moment of truth in a relationship—a test of its health, a crisis that can weaken or strengthen it, a critical event that may bring last- ing resentment, smoldering hostility, psychological scars. Confl icts can push people away from each other or pull them into a closer and more intimate union; they contain the seeds of destruction and the seeds of greater unity; they may bring about armed warfare or deeper mutual understanding.

In our society, confl ict is oft en viewed negatively: It is “bad” to show anger, to disagree, or to fi ght. Some people look at confl ict as something to avoid at all costs; but confl ict is not necessarily bad—it exists as a reality of any relationship.

It would be a rare relationship if over a period of time one person’s needs did not confl ict with the other’s needs. Authors Linda Hjorth and Maria Bakalis (1998) make a point by saying:

With living and loving come risk and confl ict. Human relation- ships cannot be put into a vacuum, void of diffi culties and personal diff erences.

Since confl ict is inevitable, coping with confrontations is one of the most critical of social skills. It’s not the degree of confl ict that sinks relation- ships, but the ways people resolve it. We must remember that confl ict needs to be viewed from a problem-solving perspective. Oft en, solutions bring about change, and changes in a relationship should not be feared. Human relationships are dynamic and refl ect the changes that accompany personal growth. Disagreements, if handled well, can help people know themselves better, improve language skills, gain valuable information, and cement their relationships (Marano 2000). Constructive ways for resolving confl ict will be discussed later in the chapter.

We will now discuss in more detail three common benefi ts of construc- tive confl ict resolution (Dubrin 2007).

Positive Effects of Confl ict

PROMOTES GROWTH IN A RELATIONSHIP. People who work through their confl icts can develop a stronger and more intimate relationship. Th ey take the time to learn about each other’s needs and how they can be satisfi ed. Th ey take the time to clarify their feelings. Th ey take the time to share, and in so doing, realize that dealing with problems can be an opportunity to know each other better.

ALLOWS FOR HEALTHY RELEASE OF FEELINGS. When confl icts are resolved in constructive ways, both par- ties are able to air their feelings and leave the situation free of anger and hostility. For example, in a family

A quarrel between friends, when made up, adds a new tie to friendship, as experience shows that the callosity formed round a broken bone makes it stronger than before.

ST. FRANCIS DE SALIS

Confl icts can be turned into creative opportunities for more positive relationships.

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confl ict, unresolved anger and hostility can aff ect a person’s performance at work or school. Likewise, unresolved anger and hostility in a work-related confl ict is frequently brought home and may interfere with family and even social relationships. Talking things out and sharing what is going on are marvelous ways to relieve tension and anxiety (Weiten and Lloyd 2009).

INCREASES MOTIVATION AND SELFESTEEM. When you have been able to resolve a personal confl ict, or make a diffi cult decision, you naturally feel stronger and more motivated to tackle other struggles and diffi cult times. Th ere is a real sense of pride and freedom when you join others and show respect for your rights and the rights of others. As a result, self-esteem is enhanced, and you are more motivated to take other interpersonal risks. In Born for Love, a remarkable book of challenging lessons in loving, Leo Buscaglia (1994) off ers these thoughts:

Ideally, overcoming confl icts is all about adding new insights and acquiring new skills. When we approach obstacles as opportunities for making ourselves over, we not only fi nd solutions, we also immeasurably enhance our general problem-solving abilities as well.

Cathy Birch (1999), in her book Asserting Yourself, stresses that confl icts can be turned into creative opportunities for more positive, healthy, and happy relationships. However, confl ict can be destructive and result in negative outcomes, too.

Negative Effects of Confl ict

How we view confl icts and how we manage them can cause destructive out- comes. DeCenzo and Silhanek (2002) outline two negative eff ects:

THE MANNER IN WHICH WE APPROACH INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT. People generally view confl ict with a belief that there must be a winner and a loser. It is human nature to want to win, just like it is human nature to not want to lose. When people approach a confl ict situation with attitudes of winning and losing, a “tug of war” is oft en proclaimed. Th e net result is oft en one of disaster.

LARGER PROBLEMS AND DEEPER PERSONAL RESENTMENTS MAY OCCUR. Just because you avoid a confl ict or fail to resolve a confl ict does not mean the confl ict is forever gone. It is likely to return again with much greater intensity. You may be less willing to cooperate if you have left over anger or “bad” feelings from a previous confrontation. Failure to deal with confl ict constructively can even “rob” you of a potentially satisfying relationship.

So far, we have been discussing the positive and negative realities of con- fl ict. Th e question now is: when faced with a confl ict, how do you handle it?

What Is Your Style of Confl ict Management?

You are probably thinking that your style of confl ict management depends on the confl ict and who is involved. Although that is probably true, most people have developed a characteristic style of managing confl icts. Th is style has

I f someone is being uncooperative, ask, “Is it

something I’ve done or are you having a rough day?”

RICK KIRSCHNER

J ust as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element.

JOHN GRAY

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Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict 307

emerged from our unique personality traits, as well as from what we learned growing up.

Th ink for a moment about how your parents managed confl icts. If your mother cried, sulked, or avoided confrontations, you may fi nd yourself imi- tating her behavior. If your father yelled, intimidated, and dominated others with his anger, you may see some of these traits in your own pattern of con- fl ict management. Th e question then is: How is your style of confl ict manage- ment like and unlike those of your parents?

Actually, most of us go through life responding to confl ict in a natural way that feels good to us. We may be unaware of our particular style and of even what methods we use to resolve interpersonal confl ict. We may continue to use our approach whether it is appropri- ate or not.

Before we discuss the ways of responding to con- fl ict, it might be benefi cial to identify some interper- sonal rights that each person has in interpersonal interactions, whether confl ictual or not. Based on the writings of Smith (2000), Grasha (1997), and Davis et al. (2008), the Consider this on the following page lists a sample of Basic Human Rights.

Now that you know some rights that each person has in interpersonal interactions, what would your answers be to these questions: Is it diffi cult for you to make your wishes known to others? Are you some- times pushed around by others because of your own inability to stand up for yourself ? Do you ever push others around to get what you want? Do you speak your thoughts and feelings in a clear, direct manner, without judging or dictating to others? Do you use clean fi ghting or dirty fi ghting techniques in resolving your confl icts? Th e answers to these ques- tions characterize your behavior style in responding to confl ict.

Behavior Styles

Now, we will return to our earlier question: How do you respond to confl ict? George Bach (1989), a leading authority on confl ict resolution and communi- cation skills, has indicated that people tend to deal with confl ict by using clean fi ghting or dirty fi ghting techniques. Dirty fi ghting techniques can weaken relationships and cause much pain, resentment, and hostility. Table 7.1 shows some of the ways that people engage in dirty fi ghting behavior to resolve confl icts.

Th ere are basically three behavior styles we use in handling opposition and responding to confl ict. Th ese have been classifi ed as passive (also known as nonassertive), aggressive , and assertive. We will now discuss the behaviors, belief systems, advantages, disadvantages, and when it might be appropriate to use each style.

Passive /Nonassertive Style

You may respond to confl ict situations by avoidance . Th at is, you may remove yourself from the situation by leaving, shutting up, placating, concealing

How did your parents manage confl icts?

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same rights he enjoyed before he even knew the other person existed. Rights are not to be bargained for. They simply exist. A relationship’s task is to recognize and protect the rights of both parties.

DAVID VISCOTT

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Consider this . . .Consider this . . .

Basic Human Rights

1. The right to say no to a request without feeling guilty 2. The right not to give people reasons for every action you take 3. The right to ask other people to listen to your point of view 4. The right to ask others to correct errors they made that affect you 5. The right to change your mind 6. The right to ask other people to compromise rather than get only

what they want 7. The right to ask others to do things for you 8. The right to persist in making a request if people will not respond the

fi rst time

9. The right to be alone if you wish 10. The right to maintain your dignity in relationships 11. The right to evaluate your own behavior and not just listen to

evaluations that others offer 12. The right to make mistakes and accept responsibility for them 13. The right to avoid manipulation by other people 14. The right to have and express your own feelings and opinions 15. The right to get what you pay for 16. The right to ask for information from professionals 17. The right to choose not to assert yourself 18. The right to set your own priorities 19. The right to be successful 20. The right to be treated with respect

Smith (2000); Grasha (1997); Davis et al. (2008).

T he test of a man or woman’s breeding is how they behave in a quarrel.

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

Table 7.1 Dirty Fighting Techniques THE KITCHEN SINKER—throws in everything that has been a problem instead of dealing with the specifi c confl ict at hand.

THE BACK STABBER—after agreeing to a solution fails to carry out or express different opinions to parties outside the confl ict.

THE BLAMER—is concerned with assign- ing guilt or placing blame for the confl ict, rather than resolving it.

THE AVOIDER—pretends the confl ict does not exist and refuses to deal with it in an open manner.

THE STAMP COLLECTOR—stores up days or months of hurt feelings and resent- ment and “cashes” them all in at once.

THE MARTYR—attempts to change the other person’s behavior through a guilt-trip, hoping the other person will feel some responsibility for the martyr’s pain.

THE ARMCHAIR PSYCHIATRIST—attempts to read the other person’s mind, making sure to tell the other person why he or she is doing “whatever” they are doing.

THE JOKER—refuses to take the fi ght seriously, laughing at the other person, making a joke, or even avoiding the confl ict.

THE WITHHOLDER—intentionally denies what the other person wants—sex, affec- tion, approval, or anything else that makes life more pleasant for the other person.

THE IRRITATOR—intentionally expresses resentment by doing something that really annoys the other person: smacking gum loudly, turning up the TV too loud, and so on.

THE TRAITOR—openly encourages attacks from outsiders or refuses to defend the partner when he or she is being put down by others.

THE HUMILIATOR—uses intimate knowledge of the other person to “hit” below the belt. This is usually a sensitive issue the other person is trying to overcome.

Bach (1989).

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your feelings, or postponing a confrontation until a better time (Hocker and Wilmot 2005).

BEHAVIOR DESCRIPTION: When you behave passively, sometimes referred to as submissively , you are usually emotionally dishonest, indirect, and self-denying. You are likely to listen to what has been said and respond very little. Because you do not express your honest feelings, needs, values, and concerns, you actually allow others to violate your space, deny your rights, and ignore your needs. More importantly, you actually demonstrate a lack of respect for your own needs and rights.

BELIEF SYSTEM: Th e message of a submissive person is, “I should never make anyone uncomfortable or displeased except myself. I’ll put up with just about anything from you; my needs and my feelings don’t matter, you can take advantage of me.”

ADVANTAGE: You usually do not experience direct rejection or get blamed for anything. Others may view you as nice, selfl ess, and easy to get along with. Th is approval from others is extremely important to you.

DISADVANTAGE: You are taken advantage of and may store up a heavy load of resentment and anger. You do not get your needs met and other people do not know what you want or need. Consequently, passive people lack deep and enduring friendships. Th ey frequently lose the love and respect of the people they were busy making sacrifi ces for.

Aggressive Style

You may respond to confl icting situations by fi ght. Th at is, you move against another with the intent to hurt. In his book Human Aggression, Geen (2001) refers to the aggressive style as domination .

BEHAVIOR DESCRIPTION: You may literally or verbally attack another person. Typical examples of aggressive behavior are fi ghting, blaming, accusing, threatening, and generally stepping on people without regard for their feel- ings, needs, or ideas. You may be loud, abusive, rude, and sarcastic. You are in this world to intimidate and to overpower other people.

BELIEF SYSTEM: Th e message of an aggressive person is, “I have to put others down in order to protect myself; I must exert my power and control over others. Th is is what I want; what you want is of lesser importance or of no importance at all.”

ADVANTAGE: Other people do not push the aggressive person around, so they seem to wind up getting what they want. Th ey tend to be able to protect themselves and their own space. Th ey appear to be in control of their own life and even the lives of others.

DISADVANTAGE: In the process of gaining control, the other person in the interaction frequently feels humiliated, defensive, resentful, and usually hurt. Others do not want to be around you, and you wind up with an accu- mulation of enemies. Th is causes you to become more vulnerable and fearful of losing what you are fi ghting for: power and control over others. Th erefore, you may create your own destruction.

A re there genuinely nice, sweet people in the world? Yes, and they get angry as often as you and I. They must—otherwise, they would be full of vindictive feelings, which would prevent genuine sweetness.

THEODORE RUBIN

C utting comments create hostility. HAIM GINOTT

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Assertive Style

You may respond to confl icting situations by moving toward . Th at is, you move toward your opposition until you are either closer together or on the same side. In Th e Encyclopedia of Confl ict Resolution , Heidi and Guy Burgess (1997) indicate this style is used in cooperative (collaborative) problem solving , with some negotiation and compromise along the way.

BEHAVIOR DESCRIPTION: You behave assertively when you stand up for yourself, express your true feelings, and do not let others take advantage of you. However, you are considerate of others’ feelings. Actually, assertion is a manner of acting and reacting in an appropriately honest manner that is direct, self-respecting, self-expressing, and straightforward. You defend your rights and personal space without abusing or dominating other people. Joseph Telushkin (1996), in his powerful book, Words Th at Hurt, Words Th at Heal, expresses these thoughts:

In a dispute with someone, you have the right to state your case, express your opinion, explain why you think the other party is wrong, even make clear how passionately you feel about the subject at hand. But these are the only rights you have. You do not have a moral right to undercut your adversary’s position by invalidating him or her personally. It is unethical to dredge up past information about the person—information with which you’re most likely familiar because of your formerly close association— and use it against that person.

Assertive people simply talk about things in such a way that others will listen and not be off ended, and they give others the opportunity to respond in return (Birch 1999).

BELIEF SYSTEM: Th e message of the assertive person is, “I respect myself, and I have equal respect for others, too. I am not in this world to conform to others’ expectations, and likewise, they are not in this world to conform to my expectations.”

ADVANTAGE: You generally get more of what you want without making other people mad. You do not have to feel wrong or guilty because you ventilated your feelings—you left the door to communication open. Con- sequently, eff ective confrontation is mutually acceptable. From this, you

F our little words that aren’t heard often enough: “You may be right.”

BITS & PIECES

Two roommates had a problem: One of them (A) oft en left dirty dishes in the sink rather than cleaning them up at once. Th is infuriated B, who felt disrespected. For a long time, B suff ered in silence. Eventually, however, B confronted A. B was astounded when A stoutly maintained that is was B’s refusal to let A do the dishes on A’s own schedule that was rude and disrespectful. Now that A and B were talking, however, they discovered they both had unstated beliefs about when dishes should be done—beliefs they had simply assumed the other person knew and had chosen to ignore. Th ey were fi nally able to work out a compromise, though, when they realized that expectations are useless (and even detrimental) until you communicate them.

The Great Dishwashing Controversy

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Table 7.2 Behaviors Exhibited by Assertive, Aggressive and Nonassertive Persons ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE NONASSERTIVE

In confl ict situations Communicates directly Dominates Avoids the confl ict

In decision-making situations Chooses for self Chooses for self and others Allows others to choose

In situations expressing feelings Is open, direct, honest, while allowing others to express their feelings

Expresses feelings in a threatening manner; puts down, inhibits others

Holds true feelings inside

In group meeting situations Uses direct, clear “I” statements: “I believe that . . .”

Uses clear but demeaning “you” statements: “You should have known better . . .”

Uses indirect unclear statements: “Would you mind if?”

Adapted from Reece and Brandt (2008).

S arcasm is dirty fi ghting. GEORGE BACH

develop more fulfi lling relationships. Also, because you exercise the power of choice over your actions, you are in a much better position to feel good about yourself. In Asserting Yourself, Sharon and Gordon Bower (2004) remind readers: “Th e extent to which you assert yourself determines the degree of your confi dence and self-esteem.”

DISADVANTAGE: As you become more open, honest, and direct, you also take some real risks in how others will perceive you. Some people have diffi culty with these kinds of exchanges; therefore, you may experience some hurts and disappointments in some of your relationships.

Now that we have discussed the three styles, it might be helpful to note the behaviors exhibited by the three styles in various situations. Table 7.2 lists these behaviors. Th en, we will look at the three styles in action. Th e passive/ nonassertive, aggressive, and assertive styles are illustrated in the following examples of a woman who wants help with the house.

The Styles in Action

PASSIVE/NONASSERTIVE STYLE:

Margret: Excuse me, but would you be a sweetie and pick up your clothes in the bathroom?

Charles: I’m reading the paper. Margret: Oh, well, all right.

Analysis: Th e statement “Oh, well, all right” only rewards Charles for postponing Margret’s request. Margret certainly does not get what she wants. She probably feels sorry for herself and may pay him back by giving him the “silent treatment” over dinner.

AGGRESSIVE STYLE:

Margret: I’ve got another thing to tell you. I’ve had it with picking up aft er you and trying to keep this house straight. You either pitch in and help me, or I’m quitting this nonsense.

Charles: Now, calm down, I’m reading the paper. Margret: Did your mother just “wait” on you and treat you like a king? You

don’t give a fl ip about anything around this house, as long as you get to read the daily news whenever you want.

Charles: Now, don’t start in on me about my mother.

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312 Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict

Margret: All you do is come home and relax in the easy chair and grab the paper.

Charles: Shut up! What’s wrong with you?

Analysis: Th e opening statement is an attack, and Margret “relives” hostilities of earlier annoyances. Interactions such as this clearly have no winner, because aggressive behavior hurts another person, creates resent- ment, and guarantees resistance to change.

ASSERTIVE STYLE:

Margret: I would like for you to pick up your clothes in the bathroom. Charles: I’m reading the paper. Margret: I would feel much better if we shared in keeping the house straight.

You can read the paper when we’re done straightening the house. Charles: I’m almost fi nished with the sports section. Margret: Well, I can start the wash. Will you help me when you are through

reading the sports section? Charles: Sure!

Analysis: Assertive behavior does not aim to injure but to solve an interpersonal problem. Assertive requests include a specifi c goal and the willingness to negotiate a mutually agreeable plan to solve the problem.

It would be unreasonable to expect people to use assertive behavior exclu- sively. Th ere are times when it is wise to be passive and just give in to others; there are times when it is necessary to aggressively defend your rights; there are times when being assertive does not succeed in obtaining its goal. Bolton (1986) views the eff ects of the three behavior styles in this way:

My observation of others and my personal experience leads me to believe that more of a person’s needs will be satisfi ed by being consis- tently assertive than by submissive (passive) or aggressive behavior. In most circumstances, assertive behavior is the most appropriate, eff ective, and constructive way of defending one’s space and fulfi lling one’s needs.

Some individuals use manipulative communication to get what they want from others by making other people feel sorry for them or feel guilty. Th is is not being assertive, but rather shows disrespect for others and yourself, too.

Learning to Be Assertive

Th e main goal of assertiveness training is to help people express their thoughts, feelings, and rights in a way that respects those of others. As you learn to do this, it is important that you become aware of the diff erent types of assertive expressions (Atwater and Duff y 2007).

Basic assertion is learning to stand up for your rights or express your feel- ings, such as saying, “Pardon me, I’d like to fi nish what I was saying.”

Another type of assertiveness is learning to express positive feelings, such as, “I really liked the way you cleaned the car.” Do you have diffi culty in giving compliments, as well as receiving them? Some people do.

You may have to use an escalating type of assertion when people fail to respond to your earlier request. An example here would be, “Th is is the third time I’m going to tell you. I don’t want to change insurance companies.”

O nly I am responsible for my behavior. Only I can change what I do. However, when I change my behavior, I may give the other person in the relationship the opportunity to evaluate his behavior and perhaps modify it.

JOHN NARCISO AND DAVID BURKETT

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Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict 313

Th en, there are occasions when you need to express negative feelings. Th e “I” message , frequently referred to as the focal point of learning to be asser- tive, is a way of expressing yourself eff ectively before you become angry and act in self-defeating ways.

THE “I” MESSAGE. According to Th omas Gordon (2000), an “I” message has four parts: 1) an objective, nonjudgmental description of the person’s behav- ior in specifi c terms, 2) how I feel about this, 3) the concrete eff ects on me; and 4) a request and an invitation to respond. Let us look at each part.

1. An objective, nonjudgmental description of the person’s behavior in specifi c terms. Th ere are four guidelines to help you deliver an eff ective behavior description.

First, describe the person’s behavior in specifi c terms, rather than fuzzy, unclear words. For example,

Specifi c Fuzzy When you frequently call When you frequently call aft er 11 o’clock at night . . . me late at night . . .

Th e person you are angry with may have a diff erent idea of what late means. Th erefore, if you want your needs to be met, you will need to give the exact time you consider too late to receive a phone call.

Second, do not add your thoughts and perceptions about the other person’s motives, attitudes, character, and so on. It is human nature to describe another person’s behavior by stating what you think the other person intended. Th is causes defensiveness, whereas describing what a person actually did creates an atmosphere for further communication.

Th ird, make your behavior description an objective statement, rather than a judgment. Assertion messages avoid character assassinations, blame, sarcasm, or profanity.

Fourth, behavioral descriptions should be as brief as possible. Th e longer your message is, the more likely you will not be heard and under- stood. Also, there is less tendency for others to judge and evaluate when you keep your message simple. One sentence is ample.

2. How I feel about this. Once you have identifi ed what your real feel- ings are, you must take the responsibility for your own feelings. Th is means you say, “I feel angry or disappointed,” rather than “You made me feel angry or disappointed.” Continuing with the late-night calls as an example, we now have the following:

When you call me aft er 11:00 o’clock at night, I feel angry.

3. Th e concrete eff ects on me. People may not be aware of how their behavior is aff ecting you. In most instances, they are not deliberately trying to annoy or frustrate you. Once they become aware of how their behavior aff ects you, they are usually more considerate. Our example now becomes:

When you call me aft er 11:00 o’clock at night, I feel angry, because I am awakened by your calls at least twice a week.

4. A request and an invitation to respond. Simply stated, this means that you use “I” messages and tell others what behavior you would like for them to substitute the next time a similar exchange occurs. Be sure and express your request in one or two simple sentences. It is important

W hen people won’t let you alone, it’s because you haven’t learned how to make them do it.

DAVID SEABURY

Aggressive120

110

100

90

80

70

60

50

40

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20

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Assertive

Passive

Just like Margret, we all “boil”

at different temperatures. Where do you

fit in?

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to be fi rm, specifi c, and kind. Th en, give the person an invitation to respond to your request. Also, where possible, give a positive response for the agreement. Some examples might be: “We’ll have more time together . . .”; “We’ll have a neater house . . .”; “We’ll save money . . .”; “I’ll be able to get my work in on time . . .”; I’ll be less tired and more fun to be with . . .”; and so on. Our example now looks like this:

When you call me aft er 11:00 o’clock at night, I feel angry, because I am awakened by your call at least twice a week. I’d like you to call before 10:00 o’clock, except in an emergency. Will you agree to that? Th en, we can have a much more pleasant conversation .

To be sure that you understand each part of the “I” message, review the examples in Table 7.3 . You will notice that these “I” messages do not attack or blame the other person. Instead “I” messages are a way of expressing your sincere feelings and requests in a way that encourages others to listen and cooperate.

Suggestions for Delivering an Assertive “I” Message

Alberti and Emmons (2008) off ers three suggestions for improving the suc- cess of assertive “I” messages.

WRITE AND PRACTICE YOUR MESSAGE BEFORE DELIVERING IT. Th is will give you an opportunity to review two important questions: 1) Is it likely to arouse defensiveness in the other person? 2) Are you likely to get your needs met with this assertion?

DEVELOP ASSERTIVE BODY LANGUAGE WITH YOUR “I” MESSAGE. In order to assure that your verbal message is congruent with your nonverbal behavior, you will need to (Review chapter fi ve for more details):

maintain direct eye contact maintain an erect body posture

Table 7.3 Examples of “I” Messages NONJUDGMENTAL DESCRIPTION OF PERSON’S BEHAVIOR

MY FEELINGS ABOUT IT

CONCRETE EFFECTS ON ME

A REQUEST AND AN INVITATION TO RESPOND

1. When you call me after 11:00 o’clock at night . . .

I feel angry . . . because I am awakened by your call at least twice a week.

I would like you to call before 10:00 o’clock, except in an emergency. Will you agree to that? If so . . .

2. When you are late picking me up from school . . .

I feel frustrated . . . because I waste a lot of time waiting for you.

I would like to be picked up on time. Will you agree? If so . . .

3. When you do not put your dirty clothes in the hamper . . .

I feel irritated . . . because it makes extra work for me when I do the wash.

I would like you to put your dirty clothes in the hamper each day. Will you agree to that? Then . . .

4. When you borrow my car and bring it home on “empty” . . .

I feel annoyed . . . because I have to get gas before I can even go to work.

I would like you to refi ll the tank with as much gas as you use. Will you? If so . . .

Remember: You can arrange the four parts of the “I” message in a way that is natural and fi ts your personal style. For example, I feel irritated when you do not put your dirty clothes in the hamper because it makes extra work for me when I do the wash. I would like you to put your dirty clothes in the hamper each day. Will you agree to that? Then, we will have more time together.

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Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict 315

speak clearly, fi rmly, and have suffi cient volume to be heard emphasize your message with appropriate gestures and facial expressions do not whine or have an apologetic tone to your voice.

DON’T BE SIDETRACKED BY THE DEFENSIVENESS OR MANIPULATION OF OTHERS. Th is can be accomplished by using the broken-record technique — calmly repeating your point without getting sidetracked by irrelevant issues. Some examples might be:

Yes, but . . .; Yes, I know, but my point is . . .; I agree, but . . .; Yes, but I was saying . . .; Right, but I’m still not interested.

Remember, persistence is one of the keys to eff ective assertion. One of the main reasons why people do not get their needs met when they assert is because they give up or give in aft er the fi rst defensive or manipulative response of the other person (Communication Research Associates 2005).

How to Say No without Feeling Guilty

Th ere is a rampant myth in our culture that to be considered nice, you have to say yes all the time. Perhaps you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or you don’t want another person to be upset with you. When we keep saying yes , resentment and anger build. It is possible to develop the skills to say no with confi dence, kindness, and peace of mind. And, you can have more time, more space, more effi ciency, and control over your life. In How to Say No without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, More Joy, and What Matters Most to You , Patti Breitman et al. (2001) give these pointers:

Start small. Practice saying no in nonthreatening encounters, where little is at stake and success is almost assured.

Examples: Tell your best friend you don’t want to go to her favorite restaurant . . . then suggest another. Tell your son he can’t have more ice cream before bedtime.

Keep it simple. Th e most eff ective “nos” are the least complicated. Th e more details you supply, the more likely the other person will try to change your mind.

Furthermore, if you supply too many details, the other person may feel your “excuse” isn’t good enough.

Examples: Say no to requests for money in simple language, without off ering a reason—I wish I could, but I can’t. Say no to someone who wants to change shift s with you by simply saying, I have plans.

Buy time when responding to requests. It relieves pressure when you’re not sure how to say no diplomatically . . . or simply need more time to make a decision.

Examples: I’ll check my calendar and get back to you . . . Let me ask my wife, husband, friend, etc. about their plans for that day.

Remain generous. Saying no without guilt is much easier when it is done in the context of generosity. Th is means being helpful and available to

P eace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

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family, friends, and coworkers whenever you can—as long as it doesn’t cause you signifi cant stress or inconvenience.

Examples: I’m sorry I can’t go shopping with you this weekend. Give me a call again. I can’t help you with the fundraiser this time, but perhaps I can next time.

Understand your Yes . You will feel most confi dent saying no if you have a strong vision of what to say yes to. Why are you saying no to a particular request? What obligation or priority are you trying to make room for?

Remember, once you stop investing the better part of yourself doing things you don’t want to do or being with people you don’t want to see, you can focus your actions on your core beliefs, priorities, and passions. Saying no is a powerful form of assertive behavior.

So far, we have discussed the passive, aggressive, and assertive behavior styles used in interpersonal confl ict. Added to these diff erent behavior styles are two powerful variables that aff ect the way people manage confl ict: gender and culture. We will now discuss each of these factors.

Gender and Confl ict Management

You will recall that in chapter fi ve, we discussed the diff erent communica- tion styles that men and women use. We indicated that males are likely to speak and understand a language of “status and independence,” while females are likely to speak and understand a language of “connection and intimacy.” Th ese diff erent communication styles obviously lead to diff erent approaches in dealing with confl ict.

GENDER DIFFERENCES. Actually, these diff erences can be seen in childhood. For example, males are more likely to be aggressive, demanding, and competitive, while females are more cooperative.

Studies of children from preschool to early adoles- cence reveal some interesting patterns (Barleson 1994). For example, boys try to get their way by ordering one another around: “Lie down.” “Get off my steps.” “Gimme your arm.” Girls, on the other hand, are more likely to make proposals for action, using the words “let’s” and “we”: “Let’s go fi nd some,” “Let’s ask her,” “Do you have any bottles?” or “Let’s go around the restaurant.” Further- more, guys tend to tell each other what role to take in pretend play (“Come on, be a doctor”); girls more oft en

ask each other what role they want (“Will you be the patient for a few minutes?”), or make a joint proposal (“We can both

be doctors”). Also, boys oft en make demands without off ering an explanation (“Look, man. I want the pliers right now”). Girls, however, oft en give reasons for their suggestions (“We gotta clean them fi rst . . . cause they got germs”). Girls simply attempt to infl uence what the others do without telling them what to do. Deborah Tannen (2001) views this diff erence in childhood language as being the diff erent social structures of girls and boys, and women and men:

In the hierarchical order that guys and men fi nd or feel themselves in, status is indeed gained by telling others what to do and resisting

Gender differences start at a young age—females tend to be more cooperative.

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Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict 317

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being told what to do. But girls and women fi nd or feel themselves in a community that is threatened by confl ict, so they formulate requests as proposals rather than orders to make it easy for others to express other preferences without provoking a confrontation. If a man struggles to be strong, a woman struggles to keep the community strong.

Th ese diff erences oft en persist into adulthood. M. J. Collier’s (1991) sur- vey of college students revealed that, regardless of cultural background, men and women view confl icts in contrasting ways. From this study, female stu- dents described men as being concerned with power and more interested in content than relational issues. By contrast, women were described as being more concerned with maintaining the relationship during a confl ict. Do you agree or disagree with what the college students said?

A look at the entire body of research on gender and confl ict suggests that the diff erences in how the two sexes handle confl ict are actually rather small. Although men and women may have characteristically diff erent confl ict styles, the individual style of each communicator—regardless of gender—and the nature of the relationship are more important than gender in shaping the way he or she handles confl ict (Adler and Proctor 2007).

LEARNING FLEXIBILITY. Tannen (2001) suggests that when one’s habitual style is not working, trying harder by doing more of the same will not solve problems. She advises men and women to adopt some fl exibility in their styles. For example, women who avoid confl ict at all costs would be better off if they learned that a little confl ict will not kill them. And, men who habitu- ally take oppositional stances would be better off if they broke their addiction to confl ict. Aft er all, because people are diff erent, not only in gender but in cultural background, diff erences in attitudes toward verbal opposition will persist among friends, lovers, and fellow workers. Frustration can be reduced by simply realizing that what seems like unfair or irrational behavior may just be the result of a diff erent style in approaching confl ict.

Culture and Confl ict Management

Diff erent cultures oft en defi ne and deal with confl ict in diff erent ways. When individuals from diff erent cultures face a confl ict, their normal, habitual

W e fi nd comfort among those who agree with us—growth among those who don’t.

FRANK CLARK

W e meet naturally on the basis of our sameness and grow on the basis of our differentness.

VIRGINIA SATIR

Who Makes the Decisions at Home? Of the 1,260 individuals surveyed in 2008—either married or living together—women wield more

decision-making power at home.

In 43% of the couples, women made more decisions—almost twice as many as men—in the four areas Pew surveyed: planning weekend activities, household fi nances, major home purchases, and TV watching.

The survey also found that 43% of men don’t have the fi nal say in any of those decisions; they either share the decision making or defer to their partners.

As for household fi nances, the Pew study found that couples disagree on who has the greater infl uence. About 45% of women surveyed said they manage the family’s money; 37% of the men say they manage it.

Older couples are more likely than younger couples to make a decision together, the study found. More than a third of those 65 or older said they share in the decision-making in at least three or four areas.

Pew Research Center (2008).

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318 Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict

communication patterns may not blend smoothly. An example of the chal- lenge faced by an American husband and his Chinese wife is illustrated above (Fontaine 1999). What do you think this couple can do to more eff ectively deal with confl ict? With their cultural diff erences, will they be able to fi nd a confl ict style that is comfortable for them both?

Ting-Toomey and Oetzel (2002) suggest that the way in which people manage confl ict varies depending on their cultural background. Th at is, high- context and low-context cultures manage confl ict quite diff erently.

HIGHCONTEXT CULTURES. Th ese cultures value self-restraint, avoid con- frontation, rely heavily on nonverbal systems, and give a great deal of mean- ing to the relationships between communicators. Preserving and honoring the face of the other person is a prime goal, and communicators go to great lengths to avoid any communication that might risk embarrassing a conver- sational partner. Th e Japanese, Chinese, Asian, and Latin American cultures are examples of high-context cultures. Japanese, for example, are reluctant to say “no” to a request. Th ey will probably respond with, “Let me think about it for a while,” which anyone familiar with Japanese culture would recognize as a refusal (Adler and Proctor 2007).

LOWCONTEXT CULTURES. Th ese cultures use more explicit language, are more direct in their meanings, rely less on nonverbal systems, and stress goals and outcomes more than relationships. Examples include the German, Swedish, American, and English cultures. Individuals in low-context cultures manage confl ict more directly. Th ey are more confrontational and more goal oriented rather than being relationally focused, and they are less concerned about “saving face.” Th erefore, confl ict in low-context cultures is more open, volatile, and threatening than high-context confl ict (Gudykunst 2003).

Let’s get back to our example of the American husband and the Chinese wife. Th e husband from a low-context culture and the wife from a high-context culture were simply responding to their cultural learning of how to deal with confl ict. For example, when indirect communication (that used by the wife) is a cultural norm, it is unreasonable to expect more straightforward approaches to succeed (that used by the husband). Can the husband learn to be cautious in his straightforward approach and more attuned to his wife’s nonverbal sig- nals? Can the wife be more verbally direct without relying so much on her nonverbal signals to express her real feelings?

How Would You Handle This Cultural Confl ict?

The husband would typically try to confront his wife verbally and directly (as is typical in the United States), leading her to either become violently defensive or withdraw completely from the discussion. She, on the other hand, would attempt to indicate her displeasure by changes in mood and eye contact (typical of Chinese

culture) that were either not noticed or uninterpretable by her husband. Thus, neither “his way” nor “her way” was working and they could not see any realistic way

to “compromise.”

Fontaine (1999).

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H atred is never ended but by love, and a misunderstand- ing is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, concilia- tion, and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.

BUDDHA

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Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict 319

One thing is for sure, a mutual understanding about their cultural attitudes towards verbal confl ict may result in less frustration in the future. Yes, con- fl icts will still arise, but at least they can be arguing about real confl icts of interest rather than fi ghting styles.

Strategies for Handling Confl ict

When you approach a confl ict situation, you can choose to avoid the situation, fi ght with use of power and force, or move toward, using negotiation skills (Adler and Rodman 2008). Most research indicates that in deciding how to handle confl ict, two distinct factors come into play: assertiveness; the degree to which you want to have your own way or satisfy your own interest and cooperativeness; the degree to which you are concerned about maintaining the relationship or satisfying the concerns of others (Rahim & Magner 1995).

Th erefore, depending on the levels of assertiveness and cooperativeness, there are fi ve general strategies for handling confl ict: avoiding, accommo- dating, competing/forcing, compromising, and collaborating (Hocker and Wilmot 2005). See Table 7.4 .

AVOIDING STRATEGY LOSELOSE. In this approach, individuals attempt to passively ignore the confl ict rather than resolve it. Th ey may avoid the confl ict by refusing to take a stance, physically leaving it, or escaping the confl ict by men- tally leaving the confl ict. Oft en, people who use this strategy hope that ignoring the problem will make it go away. If the relationship is not very important or the confl ict is very minor, it may just be wise to avoid the confrontation. However, if the relationship is important or the confl ict is much greater, avoiding the confl ict generally results in greater misunderstandings, resentments, hurt feelings, and more confl icts. Unfortunately, avoiders have a low concern for self and others, and a lose-lose situation is created because the confl ict is not resolved.

ACCOMMODATING STRATEGY LOSEWIN. When using this strategy, individu- als attempt to resolve the confl ict by passively giving in to the other party. Th e accommodating approach is unassertive and cooperative. Individuals who use this strategy prefer harmony to confl ict, desire to be liked, and believe that confl ict is damaging to relationships. If you don’t have strong preferences

B ehavior is a mirror in which everyone shows his image. GOETHE

Table 7.4 The Thomas-Kilman Confl ict Model Competing Forcing (Win-Lose) Collaborating (Win-Win)

Confrontational, assertive, and aggressive. Must win at any cost.

Needs of both parties are legitimate and important. High respect for mutual support. Assertive and cooperative.

Compromising (Partial Lose-Lose)

Important all parties achieve basic goals and maintain good relationships. Aggressive but cooperative.

Avoiding (Lose-Lose) Accomodating (Lose-Win)

Nonconfrontational. Ignores or passes over issues. Denies issues are a problem.

Agreeable, non-assertive behavior Cooperative even at the expense of personal goals.

These are the fi ve confl ict strategies or styles of confl ict management. Each has a different level of assertiveness and cooperation. Which strategy do you most commonly use?

Adapted from Lamberton and Minor 2010.

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or feelings about a particular situation or issue, occasional accommodating is appropriate. However, if you oft en fi nd yourself “giving in” just to please the other person, you will probably have feelings of resentment and are increas- ingly taken advantage of by the other person. Th is approach represents a low concern for self and a high concern for others, thus resulting in a lose-win situation.

COMPETING/FORCING STRATEGY WINLOSE OR MAYBE EVEN LOSELOSE. Th is strategy is characterized by the use of aggressive behavior, an uncoop- erative attitude, and an autocratic attempt to satisfy one’s own needs at the expense of others, if necessary. When maintaining close supportive relation- ships is not critical, this strategy is sometimes used. And, there are times when a legitimate authority fi gure has to make a diffi cult decision knowing others will not like it. Since this win-lose approach to confl ict involves a high concern for self and low concern for others, deep feelings of resentment and hostility oft en result. In some instances, feelings of wanting to get even and compete on a deeper level may even result in a lose-lose situation.

COMPROMISING STRATEGY PARTIAL LOSELOSE. Th is approach is used with attempts to resolve the confl ict through assertive give-and-take concessions or cooperation. Compromisers value harmony as well as individual satisfac- tion and oft en will try to work out the situation so nobody gets all he or she wants, but everyone gets something. Compromising is a constructive way to resolve confl icts because neither side experiences a total loss and both sides experience some sense of winning, thereby resulting in a partial lose-lose out- come. Th e advantage of this strategy is that the confl ict is resolved, and rela- tionships are maintained.

COLLABORATING STRATEGY WINWIN. Using this strategy, parties attempt to jointly resolve the confl ict with the best solution agreeable to all parties. Since collaborating involves a high degree of assertiveness and a high degree of cooperation, it is also called the problem-solving strategy. Collaborating encourages openness and honesty and stresses the importance of criticizing or critiquing ideas rather than the persons involved. Because there is a high concern for self and others, collaborating tends to produce a climate of trust and respect in a win-win situation.

Mastering Interpersonal Confl ict

As we have noticed, it is highly possible to resolve confl ict constructively. Here are a few general suggestions and guidelines to remember (Lerner 2002; Verderber et al. 2007):

Choose your battles carefully. Is this a minor, moderate or major confl ict? Th ink about the confl ict before you react.

Be calm, no yelling or speaking in harsh, loud tones. Avoid loaded words that may hurt or harm others—no “put downs.”

Don’t blame the other person or make accusations. Tell the other party how you feel. Rather than, “You make me mad . . .”, or “It’s all your fault . . ., say, “I am angry . . .”, or “I like it when we cook dinner together.”

Do not demand. Remember to request. Rather than, “You should . . . or You ought to . . .” say, “I would appreciate your watering the yard.”

Do not bring up the past. Doing so will only kindle old resentments and get in your way of dealing with the current problem.

C ooperation is the thorough conviction that nobody can get there unless everybody gets there.

VIRGINIA BURDEN

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Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict 321

Avoid categorical statements like “You always . . . ” or “You never . . . ” Th ese statements will only put the other person on the defensive.

Take responsibility for your actions. Stop wanting to be right. Do not be afraid to say, “I made a mistake. I am sorry. Please forgive me.” It is oft en amazing how many hours are spent avoiding just saying, “I was wrong.”

Listen without judging by showing respect for the other person and his/ her position. Try to emphasize and understand his/her frame of reference.

Resolution Today we had a meeting like so many other times. At once we started listing what we saw as each other’s crimes. But there was one thing different on this bright and wondrous day. We’d sworn till all had been resolved we would not walk away. The fi rst ground rule that we laid down was different from before. We agreed we would not scream and shout nor storm out of the door. We then agreed right then and there that we would “fairly” fi ght. We would not call each other names nor take a “psychic” bite. The little things we could concede that we could live without. We tore them into little bits and then we threw them out. Upon our individual slips of paper we did write, the concessions each of us would make to help to end the fi ght. And then upon another sheet we wrote what it would take, to fi nally happy once again each of us to make. We then exchanged the papers and to both of our surprise, we each had written just one thing for the other’s eyes. And now we are together but not as before. For we learned a lesson to carry us evermore. The lesson was so simple that things are easy to solve, when we sit down together our problems to resolve.

Bob Crawley 1989

Used with permission of Bob Crawley, Fort Worth, Texas, 1989.

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THE PILLOW METHOD. When it seems impossible to gain empathy and understand another position and frame of reference, it might be helpful to remember the pillow method. Author and poet Paul Reps (1967) describes how a group of Japanese school children created it to remind people that a problem can be viewed from four diff erent angles (like the four corners of a pillow). And, it just might be possible to form a new conclusion based on your new view of the issue, which is the middle of the pillow. Th is technique is now taught in business schools throughout the world (Punches 2008). Here are the angles or positions to consider:

Position 1: “I am right and you are wrong.” Th is position is easy and comfortable since we generally see the strengths in our position and fi nd fault with anyone who disagrees with us.

Position 2: “You are right, and I am wrong.” Th is is the hard part. Now, think about the other person’s frame of reference. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine how the person feels about the situation. What justifi cation does this person have to feel the way he or she feels?

Position 3: “We’re both right, and we’re both wrong.” In this position, you try to identify common ground. What are the strengths and weaknesses of each side? Th ere is merit in both views. Be fair and even-handed as you evaluate both sides.

Position 4: “Th e issue is not as big as I was making it.” In this position you consider that when compared to everything else you could be concerned about, you may be blowing the issue out of proportion. You may want to ask yourself, “Is this really where I want to focus my time and attention? Is the issue really as important as I had originally thought?”

Conclusion: Th ere is truth in all perspectives. How do you think and feel about the issue now? What will you do about it? Aft er you have looked at an issue from these diff erent perspectives, you may not change your mind or even solve the problem. However, you will defi nitely gain new insights, increase your tolerance for the other person’s position, and improve the overall communication climate with this individual.

Steps for Win-Win Confl ict Resolution

Let us now look more closely at the exact steps used in the win-win approach to interpersonal confl ict resolution.

Many authorities have written on the no-lose or win-win approach to confl ict resolution. However, win-win problem solving works best when it follows a seven-step approach, based on the writings of Douglas Stone et al. (2000) and Th omas Gordon (2000). Th e steps are:

1. Defi ne the Problem in Terms of Needs, Not Solutions. Th is is the critical point where you need to decide what it is you want or need. We generally defi ne a problem in terms of solutions—what will satisfy our need. Th is really leads to win/lose results—one person gets what he or she wants, and the other loses what he or she wants. For example, let’s consider this exchange between David and John.

David: I need the car to go to the library and study. John: I need the car to go to the out-of-town basketball game.

W e do not understand an opposing idea until we have so exposed ourselves to it that we feel the pull of its persuasion.

DR. RICHARD CABOT

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Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict 323

David and John have both defi ned their goal in terms of solutions. Th ey each want to get what they want—the car. Actually, David and John both had a need for transportation, and the family car was the solution.

A useful key to identify a need is to fi ll in the following blank “I need . . .” with a statement of the goal, not the solution. For example, “I need some kind of transportation (the goal), but I do not have to use the family car (John and David’s original solution).

Sometimes your needs may not be as clear as the example above. In these cases, either think about your needs alone before approaching the other person, or talk to a third party who may be able to help you separate your thoughts. Do not forget to explore all the reasons you are dissatisfi ed as well as the relational issues that may be involved.

2. Share Your Problem and Unmet Needs. Once you have defi ned your problem and unmet needs, it is time to share them with the other person. Remember, no one can be expected to meet your needs unless they know why you are upset and what you want. Th ere are two guidelines to remember in this step:

First, be sure to choose a time and place that is suitable. Frequently, destructive fi ghts oft en start because the initiator confronts the other person who is not ready. Unloading on a tired, busy person is likely to result in your concerns not being heard or given much attention. Furthermore, it is important that you are calm and have time to discuss what is bothering you. Bringing up issues of concern when you are angry, overly upset, or in a hurry frequently causes you to say things you really do not mean. Making a date to discuss what is bothering you increases the likelihood of a positive outcome. You might say, “Something’s been bothering me. When would be a convenient time for us to talk about it?”

Second, be sure and use “I” messages and the assertive techniques you have already learned in this chapter. You will remember that the most important part of the “I” message is to describe how your partner’s behavior aff ects you—not attach blame or labels.

Th e fi nal part of this step is to confi rm your partner’s understanding of what he or she heard.

3. Listen to the Other Person’s Needs. Once you are sure the other person understands your message, it is now time to fi nd out what he or she needs to feel satisfi ed about the issue. Remember, if you expect some help in meeting your needs, it is only fair that you be willing to help the other person meet his or her needs. Th inking back about the exchange between David and John, John might say, “Now that I’ve told you that I need a way to go to the library to study, tell me what you need to feel okay about this situation with the family car.” David might say, “I also need a way to the out-of-town basketball game.” Be sure to review the listening skills discussed in chapter fi ve and be prepared to listen actively to your partner. It is also important to check your understanding of your partner’s needs before going any further. You might say, “Now, do I understand correctly that you need . . .?”

You are now ready to arrive at a shared defi nition of the problem that expresses both needs. Try to state both sets of needs in a one- sentence summary of the problem. For example, David and John might conclude, “We both need a way to go where we want or need to go, and we only have one car.”

T o discover needs, we try to fi nd out why the person wants the solution he/she initially proposed. Once we understand the advantages that a solution has for them, we have discovered their need.

ROBERT BOLTON

W hat we need are fewer talks and more listens. ROGER FISHER

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324 Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict

4. Brainstorm Possible Solutions. Once the problem is adequately defi ned, the search for possible solutions begins. You might suggest, “What are some things we might do?”

Roger Fisher and William Ury (2003), two Harvard law professors, give some important guidelines to assist in the brainstorming session:

Seek quantity rather than quality. Th ink of as many solutions as possible. Do not evaluate, judge, or belittle any of the solutions off ered. Th is will come in the next step.

Avoid ownership of a solution. It is important to not get involved with your solution and my solution. Build upon each other’s solutions by adopting an attitude: Th ese are our solutions.

List every possible solution. Th e fi nal result should be a long list of pos- sible ideas and solutions. Since each idea needs to be considered, it is advisable for all solutions to be written down. Otherwise, a good idea may get lost.

5. Evaluate the Possible Solutions and Choose the Best One. Check Possible Consequences. Now it is time to evaluate the solutions in terms of how they best meet the mutually-shared goals. You want to evalu- ate how each solution meets each partner’s needs and then arrive at a fi nal understanding of which solution satisfi es the most goals. However, sometimes it is easier and less time-consuming to initiate these four guidelines:

Ask the other person which solution he or she feels best solves the mutual shared goal. Be sure his or her needs are met.

State which solution looks best to you. Be sure your needs are met. See which choices are congruent with yours and the other person.

Together, decide on one or more of the solutions. If you took the time to carefully examine each other’s needs when you began your confl ict resolution, several of the same solutions will generally be selected by both people.

It is extremely important that each person be satisfi ed with the fi nal solution. Remember, people are generally more motivated to work on resolving a problem if they are not manipulated or pressured into deciding on the best solution.

Th e fi nal aspect of this step is to consider the possible consequences of your fi nal solution or combination of solutions. Sometimes it is helpful to ask, “What is the worst thing that could happen by choosing this solution?”

6. Implement the Solution. It is extremely important that you agree on exactly how the solution will be implemented. Your solution will be eff ective only if you mutually agree on who does what and by when.

Because people are forgetful, it is usually desirable to write out the agreement that was reached, being sure to include the details of who will do what by when. Th e written agreement should be viewed as a reminder to both parties about exactly how the solution will be implemented.

7. Evaluate the Solution at a Later Date. Just as you made a date to begin talking about your problem and unmet needs, it is also important to make a date to review the progress of your fi nal solution. Th is is an opportunity to “check back” with each person to see how the solution

T he normal life span of a quarrel is two or three days. If a person hurts or offends you, you are entitled to be upset with him for that long. (We are talking about routine arguments and misunderstandings here, not major offenses.) If the bitter feelings extend into a fourth day, it is because you are choosing to hold on to them. You are nursing a grievance, keeping it on artifi cial life support, instead of letting it die a natural death.

THE SAGES OF THE TALMUD

C onsider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have of trying to change others.

JACOB M. BRAUDE

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Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict 325

is working for each person. Is the mutually shared goal being met? If changes need to be made, now is the time to discuss what is on your mind.

PERSONAL PROBLEM SOLVING. It is important to note here that a modifi cation of the win-win approach to interpersonal confl ict resolution can also be used in personal problem solving. Hammond (2002) and his colleagues provide these steps:

Identify and defi ne the confl ict. Generate a number of possible solutions.

Evaluate the alternative solutions. Decide on the best solution. Evaluate the solution at a later date.

When people join together and take the time to fi nd a solution acceptable to both, most problems that occur between them can be resolved with a high degree of success. However, the win-win approach to confl ict resolution is not a panacea for all life’s problems. Th ere are some occasions when this method will not work, or when another approach is more fi tting.

When Confl icts Cannot Be Resolved

Sometimes, the most well-thought-out plans do not always work. Despite your best intentions and most dedicated eff orts, not all confl icts can be worked through. In Beyond Blame, Jeff rey Kottler (2003), a professor of counseling and educational psychology, describes three occasions when confl icts may not be resolved: diff erences in basic beliefs, values, and past issues; struggles where there is no solution; and situations out of our control. Th e author would like to add one more—when things have to be a certain way. Let’s look more closely at these.

DIFFERENCES IN BASIC BELIEFS, VALUES, AND PAST ISSUES. Th ere are times when two people are so diff erent in their basic beliefs and values, and in the ways they perceive the world, that confl ict between them is unavoidable, no matter what they do. Is there a person in your life with whom you have to work or associate with frequently who has completely diff erent political or religious orientations from you? Or, what about some unresolved family issues with a relative from the past that can never really be laid to rest completely? Perhaps you have tried and tried to see each other’s point of view, but you still disagree, and each party leaves feeling angry or hurt.

You may just have to face a reality of life: agree to disagree when you dis- cuss certain topics. When two people feel as diff erently about things as you do, confl ict is the logical result. And in order to resolve your diffi culties, one of you would have to abandon a position that is a fundamental part of your very being or thinking. You can both resolve to respect each other, however, for your right to have your own beliefs, values, and ways in which you each perceive the world, or what may have happened in the past. You can also learn to tread lightly around each other. With this attitude and commitment, you can progress to no longer blaming the other person for the way he or she is, nor blaming yourself for the problems. When two people reach an understand- ing of the diff erences in orientation, you and the other person can reduce the intensity of your struggles so that you both stop allowing yourselves to feel angry or hurt when you deal with one another.

M aturity begins when we’re content to feel we’re right about something, without feeling the necessity to prove someone else is wrong.

SIDNEY J. HARRIS

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STRUGGLES WHERE THERE IS NO SOLUTION. Th e reality of life is that there is no guarantee that any particular human struggle has a solution, and certainly not a “best” one that can be determined easily. Look at this example:

Maria has just received the call from the doctor. Her mother has a progressive case of Alzheimer’s disease and now must move in with Maria and her husband, Hector. Th e sick mother is verbally abusive and demanding to Hector, and oft entimes even to Maria. Th ere are no other family members to help with the sick mother, and fi nances are tight, mak- ing it impossible to send the mother elsewhere. Added to these diffi culties are cultural values related to taking care of aging parents. Th ey have no choice but to all live together, knowing that harmony among them is out of the question.

What can Hector and Maria do? Th ey can partition off the house as much as possible, giving them and the sick mother as much privacy as possible. Hector and Maria can support one another as they try to enforce some limits. However, they still have to live with a certain degree of confl ict in their home. Th ere is no solution to this situation other than to learn to endure the situa- tion in such a way that they minimize its eff ect on their relationship.

SITUATIONS OUT OF OUR CONTROL. Have you ever had to deal with a situa- tion in which you believed that if only you worked harder, if you knew more, or were more highly skilled, then you could make things better? What would you do in the following situation?

Aft er 25 years of a stable, happy marriage, Jenny started drinking heavily. Th eir only child has fi nished college and was fi nancially indepen- dent. George had talked to Jenny about her problem, and they had been to numerous counseling sessions. Jenny said she wanted to quit drink- ing, but she did little to help herself. So, the drinking continued. George had been an extremely responsible father and husband and felt that he could, or should, be able to do something to help Jenny with her problem. Divorce was the last thing George wanted to consider.

Is there anything that George can do to “fi x” the problem? In life, it is critical to recognize realistically what is within your power to change and what is not. George needs to come to accept that not everyone really wants to change, no matter what they might say. Sometimes the payoff s of a person’s dysfunction and behavior are too attractive, or they just do not want to do the hard work that is involved. Rather than not blaming Jenny or himself for the situation, George can take inventory of all the things that he has tried that has not worked, and rather than repeating them, try something else. Perhaps George may need to separate himself from Jenny for a period of time and let Jenny decide what she wishes to do for herself. George can choose to take up a new hobby, or interest, with friends who can be supportive of him during this time. He can build a new life for himself; George cannot “fi x” Jenny’s problem—only Jenny can.

WHEN THINGS HAVE TO BE A CERTAIN WAY. Have you ever wanted some- one to change to meet wants or expectations you believe are important? “If only they would . . . things around here would be so much better.” Consider the following situation, assuming you are the roommate who wants “things around here to be better.”

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Th ere is growing tension between you and your roommate. She has an 8:00 class and gets up before you do and eats a breakfast muffi n and orange juice at your kitchen table. Your roommate continues to leave her dirty plate, glass, and crumbs on the table. You clean your side of the table and put your dishes in the dishwasher when you leave for school. Th is is just essential—the way it is supposed to be! You are irritated and decide to discuss this with your roommate, knowing that she is quite good about cleaning her side of the table when she gets in from class and sharing in the other chores around the apartment. Your roommate listens to your concerns and indicates a willingness to change. However, the problem continues, and you become more and more irritated.

What are your options? You can clean up her side and run the risk of having to do more of the cleaning chores around the apartment, you can get another roommate, you can decide to live by yourself, or you can decide to not let the dirty dishes bother you so much.

When you live and work with other people, it is only natural that diff er- ences in the way some things should be done can create problems. Th e reality of life is, however, that if you want some things to be a certain way, then it is unrealistic to think that other people will necessarily do what you believe is essential. Th inking otherwise is a guarantee for confl ict and stress to exist. In our example, the problem is yours—your roommate is happy and just trying to get to class on time. In other words, the person who is bothered by the problem is the person who needs to correct the problem.

Review the options discussed above and decide what to do, but remember— when you believe something must be done a certain way and at a cer- tain time, you need to do this task perfectly, and to your satisfaction. Sometimes, we all need to learn to live with less than what we want! Chapter eight will discuss in more detail the stress involved in placing unrealistic demands and expectations on other people.

T he reality of the world is that some relationships don’t work out; there are supposed to be disagreements and disappoint- ments. If you feel responsible for fi xing every problem, you will pay a high price because that’s an impossible task.

ELISABETH KÜBLER-ROSS AND DAVID KESSLER

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328 Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict

Chapter Review

When any two people live or work closely together, confl ict is bound to occur just because people are diff erent, think diff erently, and have diff erent needs and wants that sometimes do not match.

■ Confl ict is an expressed struggle between at least two people who perceive the situation diff erently and are experiencing interference from the other person in achieving their goals.

■ Confl icts usually involve any of six basic types of issues: 1) control over resources, 2) preferences and nuisances, 3) values, 4) beliefs, 5) goals, and 6) the nature of the relationship between the partners.

■ Constructive resolution of confl icts can promote growth in a relationship, allow for a healthy release of feelings, and increase motivation and self-esteem.

■ Two negative eff ects of confl ict can be: the manner in which we approach interpersonal confl ict (believing there must be a winner and a loser), and larger problems with deeper personal resentments may occur.

■ Th e three behavior styles used in handling opposition and responding to confl ict are 1) passive—also known as nonassertive, 2) aggressive, and 3) assertive. Th e assertive approach is generally the most appropriate, eff ective, and constructive way of responding to confl ict.

■ Th ere are several types of assertive expressions: basic assertion, learning to express positive feelings, and an escalating type of assertion when people fail to respond to your earlier request.

■ Th e “I” message is frequently referred to as the focal point of learning to be assertive—expressing yourself eff ectively before you become angry and act in self-defeating ways. Th e four parts of the “I” message are 1) an objective, nonjudgmental description of the person’s behavior in specifi c terms, 2) how I feel about this, 3) the concrete eff ects on me, and 4) a request and an invitation to respond, with positive consequence.

■ When delivering an assertive “I” message, it is helpful to remember these suggestions: Write and practice your message before delivering it, develop assertive body language with your “I” message, and do not be sidetracked by the defensiveness or manipulation of others.

■ When we keep saying yes, resentment and anger build. Some pointers in learning to say no are: start small, keep it simple, buy time, remain generous, and understand your yes.

■ Added to the diff erent behavior styles used in interpersonal confl ict are two powerful variables that aff ect the way people manage confl ict: gender and culture. Regardless of cultural background, men and women view confl icts in contrasting ways. Likewise, high- and low-context cultures manage confl ict quite diff erently.

■ When you approach a confl ict situation, you can choose to avoid the situation, fi ght with the use of power, or move toward your opposition, using negotiation skills.

■ Most research indicates that in deciding how to handle confl ict, two distinct factors come into play: assertiveness and cooperativeness.

■ Depending on the levels of assertiveness and cooperativeness, the fi ve strategies for handling confl ict are: avoiding, accommodating, competing/forcing, compromising and collaborating.

■ Th e Pillow Method helps a person view a confl ict from four diff erent angles and possibly reach a new conclusion.

■ Win-Win problem solving works best when it follows a seven step approach: 1) defi ne the problem in terms of needs, not solutions, 2) share your problem and unmet needs, 3) listen to the other person’s needs, 4) brainstorm possible solutions, 5) evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one— check possible consequences, 6) implement the solution, and 7) evaluate the solution at a later date.

■ Personal problem solving can be facilitated with the following steps: 1) identify and defi ne the confl ict, 2) generate a number of possible solutions, 3) evaluate the alternative solutions, 4) decide on the best solution, and 5) evaluate the solution at a later date.

■ Th ere are some occasions when the Win-Win approach to confl ict resolution may not work. Possible occasions can include: diff erences in basic beliefs, values, and past issues; struggles where there is no solution; situations out of our control; and when things have to be a certain way.

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Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict 329

How you resolve your interpersonal confl icts is the single most important factor in determining whether your relationships will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, or intimate or cold.

Test Review Questions: Learning Outcomes

1. Defi ne confl ict and what causes confl ict. 2. Why is confl ict generally viewed negatively? 3. What are the positive and negative eff ects of confl ict? 4. What are the three behavior styles used in handling opposition and responding to confl ict? Explain

the behavior description, belief system, advantages, and disadvantages of each style. 5. What are at least fi ve suggestions given for mastering interpersonal confl ict? 6. List at least ten Basic Human Rights. 7. Explain the behaviors exhibited by the assertive, aggressive, and nonassertive person in confl ict situ-

ations and in situations expressing feelings. 8. What is the focal point of learning to be assertive? List and write an example of each of the four

parts of an “I” message. 9. When delivering an “I” message, what three suggestions should you remember? 10. Explain the pointers given for learning to say no. 11. What are at least three diff erent ways in which men and women view and deal with confl ict? 12. Explain the diff erent approaches high- and low-context cultures use in confl ict resolution. 13. What two factors come into play when deciding how to handle a confl ict? 14. List and give examples of the three methods you can use in confl ict resolution. 15. Explain the pillow method. What diff erent positions are involved? 16. What are the seven steps to use in Win-Win confl ict resolution? 17. What are the steps to be used in personal problem solving? 18. Explain four possible occasions when confl ict may not be resolved. 19. Explain the diff erences between genders regarding confl ict resolution.

Key Terms

Accommodating Strategy Aggressive Assertiveness Avoidance Avoiding Strategy Broken-Record Technique Collaborating Strategy Collaborative Problem Solving Confl ict

Competing/Forcing Strategy Compromising Strategy Cooperativeness Domination High-Context Culture “I” Message Lose-Lose Lose-Win Low-Context Culture

Move Against Moving Toward Partial Lose-Lose Passive Pillow Method Win-Lose Win-Win

Refl ections

1. What kinds of diff erentness in others cause you the greatest interpersonal confl ict? 2. What situations do you fi nd most diffi cult to respond to with assertive behavior? 3. Which of the dirty fi ghting techniques is the most diffi cult for you to deal with? 4. Generally speaking, have your confl icts made your relationships stronger or weaker? Why? 5. Which one of the parts of the “I” message is most diffi cult for you to remember to use?

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330 Chapter 7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict

6. Discuss any personal experiences you have had with the diff erent approaches high- and low-context cultures use in confl ict resolution.

7. Do you agree that men and women view and deal with confl ict diff erently? Why or why not? 8. Do you disagree with any of the Basic Human Rights? If so, explain. 9. Is the Win-Win approach to confl ict resolution too good to be true? 10. With whom is it most diffi cult for you to say no? With whom is it most diffi cult for you to be

assertive? 11. What is your preferred strategy for resolving confl ict? 12. Do you think it is possible to resolve confl ict with the pillow method? Why?

Web Resources

http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/a/confl ict_res.htm Confl ict skills for healthy relationships.

www.crinfo.org/ Links to internet resources, and information about publications and organizations on confl ict resolution.

http://www.mapnp.org/library/intrpsnl/confl ict.htm Numerous suggestions, steps, and tips for addressing interpersonal confl ict.

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Name Date

The Assertiveness Inventory Purpose: To assess your strengths and weaknesses in being assertive and to establish goals for improvement.

Instructions:

I. Respond to the following questions by drawing a circle around the number that describes you best.

For some questions, the assertive end of the scale is at 0, for others at 4.

Key:

0 means no or never 1 means somewhat or sometimes 2 means average 3 means usually or a good deal 4 means practically always or entirely

1. When a person is highly unfair, do you call it to their attention? ...................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

2. Do you fi nd it diffi cult to make decisions? ............................................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

3. Are you openly critical of others’ ideas, opinions, behavior? ............................................................. 0 1 2 3 4

4. Do you speak out in protest when someone takes your place in line? ......................................... 0 1 2 3 4

5. Do you often avoid people or situations for fear of embarrassment? ............................................ 0 1 2 3 4

6. Do you usually have confi dence in your own judgment? ................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

7. Do you insist that your spouse or roommate take on a fair share of household chores? .......................................................................................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

8. Are you prone to “fl y off the handle?” ...................................................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

9. When a salesperson makes an effort, do you fi nd it hard to say “No” even though the merchandise is not really what you want? ....................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

10. When a latecomer is waited on before you are, do you call attention to the situation? ............................................................................................................................................................ 0 1 2 3 4

11. Are you reluctant to speak up in a discussion or debate? .................................................................. 0 1 2 3 4

12. If a person has borrowed money (or a book, garment, thing of value) and is overdue in returning it, do you mention it? ........................................................................................ 0 1 2 3 4

13. Do you continue to pursue an argument after the other person has had enough? .............................................................................................................................................................. 0 1 2 3 4

14. Do you generally express what you feel? ................................................................................................. 0 1 2 3 4

15. Are you disturbed if someone watches you at work? .......................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

16. If someone keeps kicking or bumping your chair in a movie or a lecture, do you ask the person to stop? ................................................................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

17. Do you fi nd it diffi cult to keep eye contact when you are talking to another person? ............................................................................................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

(continued)

From Your Perfect Right: A Guide To Assertive Living © 2008 by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons. Reproduced for Velma Walker by permission of Impact Publishers, Inc., P.O. Box 1094, San Luis Obispo, CA 93406. Further reproduction prohibited.

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18. In a good restaurant, when your meal is improperly prepared or served, do you ask the waiter/waitress to correct the situation? .................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

19. When you discover merchandise is faulty, do you return it for an adjustment? .......................... 0 1 2 3 4

20. Do you show your anger by name-calling or obscenities? ................................................................. 0 1 2 3 4

21. Do you try to be a wallfl ower or a piece of the furniture in social situations? ............................. 0 1 2 3 4

22. Do you insist that your property manager (mechanic, repairman, janitor) make repairs, adjustments, or replacements which are his or her responsibility? ..................... 0 1 2 3 4

23. Do you often step in and make decisions for others? .......................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

24. Are you able openly to express love and affection? ............................................................................. 0 1 2 3 4

25. Are you able to ask your friends for small favors or help? .................................................................. 0 1 2 3 4

26. Do you think you always have the right answer? .................................................................................. 0 1 2 3 4

27. When you differ with a person you respect, are you able to speak up for your own viewpoint? ...................................................................................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

28. Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests made by friends? .................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

29. Do you have diffi culty complimenting or praising others? ................................................................. 0 1 2 3 4

30. If you are disturbed by someone smoking near you, can you say so? ........................................... 0 1 2 3 4

31. Do you shout or use bullying tactics to get others to do as you wish? .......................................... 0 1 2 3 4

32. Do you fi nish other people’s sentences for them? ................................................................................ 0 1 2 3 4

33. Do you get into physical fi ghts with others, especially with strangers? .......................................... 0 1 2 3 4

34. At family meals, do you control the conversation? ............................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

35. When you meet a stranger, are you the fi rst to introduce yourself and begin a conversation? ..................................................................................................................................... 0 1 2 3 4

II. Analyzing Your Results: When you complete the Inventory, you’ll probably be tempted to add up your total score. Don’t! It really has no meaning, since there is no such thing as a general quality of assertiveness. The authors of the inventory suggest the following steps for analysis of your responses to the Assertiveness Inventory:

1. Look at individual events in your life, involving particular people or groups, and consider strengths and shortcomings accordingly.

2. Look at your responses to questions 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 21, 22, 24, 25, 27, 28, 30, and 35. These questions are oriented toward nonassertive behavior. Respond to these questions:

A. Do your answers to these items tell you that you are rarely speaking up for yourself? How do you feel about what you have learned about yourself?

3. Look at your responses to questions 3, 8, 13, 20, 23, 26, 29, 31, 32, 33, and 34. These questions are oriented toward aggressive behavior. Respond to these questions:

A. Do your answers to these questions suggest you are pushing others around more than you realized? How do you feel about what you have learned about yourself?

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Discussion Most people confi rm from completing these three steps that assertiveness is situational in their lives. No one is nonassertive all the time, aggressive all the time, assertive all the time! Each person behaves in each of the three ways at various times, depending upon the situation. It is possible that you have a characteristic style that leans heavily in one direction. Reread each question on the Inventory and carefully analyze your answers. Look specifi cally at four aspects (situations, attitudes, obstacles, and behavior skills) of the information and respond to the questions below:

1. What situations give you trouble? Which can you handle easily?

2. What are your attitudes about expressing yourself? For example, do you feel you have a “right” to be assertive? Why or why not?

3. What obstacles are in the way of your assertions? For example, are you frightened of the consequences, or do other people in your life make it especially diffi cult? Who?

4. Are your behavior skills (eye contact, facial expression, body posture) intact? Can you be expressive when you need to?

5. What specifi c goals do you need to set for yourself in learning to be more assertive?

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Understanding the Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Styles

Purpose: To practice composing passive, aggressive, and assertive responses to real life situations.

Instructions:

I. After each situation, compose a passive, aggressive, and assertive response.

II. Then, share your responses in an open class discussion or divide into small groups of four students.

1. You have just paid for your dinner at one of your favorite restaurants. However, you suddenly realize that your change is a dollar short.

Passive Response:

Aggressive Response:

Assertive Response:

2. You are relaxing with the paper after a long day. Your spouse rushes in and hands you a list of food items and says, “I never thought you would get here. Quick, pick these up from the store.”

Passive Response:

Aggressive Response:

Assertive Response:

3. Your teacher lost the test you handed in and says you must take the test again.

Passive Response:

Aggressive Response:

Assertive Response:

(continued)

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4. Your roommate has not been doing his or her share of chores around the apartment.

Passive Response:

Aggressive Response:

Assertive Response:

5. While you wait patiently for the clerk to fi nish with the customer ahead of you, another customer comes in and the clerk waits on him before you.

Passive Response:

Aggressive Response:

Assertive Response:

Discussion 1. Which responses were the most diffi cult for you to compose: The passive, aggressive, or assertive?

2. Would others who know you well say you are more passive, aggressive, or assertive in dealing with confl icts and problem solving? Explain.

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Name Date

Say It with “I” Messages Purpose: To learn how to construct an assertive “I” Message in order to express your feelings and get your needs met.

Instructions:

I. Respond to each of the following situations by writing an appropriate “I” Message. Each “I” Message should include the fi ve key phrases:

When you . . . I feel . . .

because . . . I’d prefer or like . . . Will you . . .?

So that . . . or If so . . .

Sample Situation:

Your sister, brother, or friend borrowed your new coat and returned it dirty.

“I” Message: When you borrow my coat and return it dirty,

I feel angry, because now I will have to take it to the cleaners before I can wear it. I’d like you to return my coat clean the next time you borrow it. Will you agree to that? If so, you can borrow it again.

1. Situation: Your co-worker has been asking you to change shifts with him/her. You only have two or three hours notice of the desired shift change.

“I” Message:

2. Situation: Your best friend is to meet you at the movie, and he/she is late again. This time he/she shows up 40 minutes late.

“I” Message:

3. Situation: Your group is working on a class project. Other people in the room are talking so loudly that you can’t hear what your group is saying.

“I” Message:

(continued)

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4. Situation: The teacher had promised to return your test on Monday. It is now Friday and you still don’t know how you did.

“I” Message:

5. Situation: A friend borrows your English book and promises to return it the next day. She doesn’t bring it back.

“I” Message:

6. Make up a situation and make an “I” Message to go with it.

Situation:

“I” Message:

I I. Now, divide into groups of four and share your assertive messages. Members of the group will give each person feedback on his or her assertive messages.

III. Correct any errors in your assertive messages and try to practice giving “I” Messages during the next week.

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Discussion 1. What errors, if any, did you fi nd in your assertive messages?

2. Do you think you will be able to practice any of these assertive messages in the next week? Explain how.

3. What will your biggest problem be in learning to be assertive?

4. How do you plan to overcome this problem?

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The Pillow Method—Developing Empathy Objective: To gain a greater understanding and empathy for another person’s perspective on a situation when it is different from your own and is causing problems in your relationship with that person.

Instructions:

I. Identify a situation in which you and someone important to you have different confl icting view points. This might be a husband-wife issue, a friend-friend issue, parent-child issue, a teacher-student issue, a brother- sister issue, an employer-employee issue, etc. Describe the issue and why the issue has evolved into such a great disagreement.

II. Review the discussion of the Pillow Method. Then, identify the reasons, facts or examples that support each position.

a. I am right and you are wrong.

b. You are right and I am wrong.

c. We’re both right and we’re both wrong.

(continued)

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d. This issue is not as big as I am making it.

e. Conclusion: There is truth in all four positions.

Discussion 1. What new insights about the confl ict or areas of disagreement have you gained?

2. How do you think and feel about the issue now, and what will you do about it?

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Confl ict Role Play Purpose: To give students an opportunity to demonstrate various methods of confl ict resolution.

Instructions:

I. Form groups of four people. Have them come up with a skit that illustrates a confl ict. This can be a confl ict about work, home, or personal relationships.

II. Then, several groups will act out the scenario involving the confl ict for the rest of the class, without identifying the confl ict. The class will discuss what the main issues are in the confl ict. Each scenario should last no more than 10 minutes.

III. Then, have the groups role-play a resolution to the confl ict using a method they choose of handling confl ict. Not all confl icts need to be resolved. It is suggested that the avoiding, accommodating, competing/forcing, compro- mising, and collaborating strategies of confl ict resolution be demonstrated. Each role-play should last no more than 10 minutes.

Discussion 1. What are the main issues involved in each of the confl icts?

2. What styles of communication did the participants demonstrate? Who was passive, aggressive, or assertive?

3. What strategy of confl ict resolution did the participants demonstrate?

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A Critical Decision Purpose: To give students an opportunity to participate in a family critical decision.

Instructions:

I. Participants will read the following case history and arrive at an individual decision.

II. Small groups of fi ve members will be formed and will be asked to arrive at a group (family) decision.

III. A spokesman from each group will be selected to reveal the group’s decision to the entire class.

IV. While reading the following case history, bear in mind that you are a member of Mr. Smith’s family.

Mr. Smith, age 63, has been physically disabled for almost 13 years. This disability has been due to eight major surgeries, two of which were the successful removal of malignant tumors. Furthermore, Mr. Smith has a very severe case of emphysema, which has caused tremendous damage to his lungs. However, for the last three years, Mr. Smith has been experiencing excellent health—considering his known diffi culties. Nevertheless, Mr. Smith enters the hospital today for an electroscopic exam of his esophagus. This was due to the passing of blood during the past week.

The exam revealed a large tumor toward the bottom of the esophagus. The chest specialist stated the tumor was defi nitely malignant and that the cancer had probably spread into the lymph glands. He advised that surgery be done immediately. However, he did state that there was probably only a 5% chance that the tumor could be removed and that at most—Mr. Smith would have only one year to live. If surgery was not done, Mr. Smith would choke to death. However, if surgery was done, Mr. Smith’s chances of tolerating the fi ve-hour surgery and anesthesia, due to his severe emphysema and damaged lungs, would be “nip and tuck.” In other words, his chances of dying on the operating table were very great.

Mr. Smith, not knowing all of the above details, stated that if surgery had to be done—it had to be done—but he would like to wait a week or two. However, he would do whatever the family members thought best.

V. Now, consider that you are a member of Mr. Smith’s family and you and the other family members will make this critical decision. (Your instructor will reveal what actually happened.)

VI. Questions to consider:

1. What is the problem involved?

2. What are the alternatives?

3. What are the consequences and responsibilities involved for each alternative?

(continued)

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4. What is the solution of each family and why?

5. What emotional or logical factors contributed to your solution?

6. Was there any interpersonal confl ict with the family members?

Discussion 1. Have any of you ever been involved in a decision such as this? How did you feel?

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Name Date

Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict Learning Journal

Select the statement below that best defi nes your feelings about the personal value or meaning gained from this chapter and respond below the dotted line.

I learned that I . . . I was surprised that I . . .

I realized that I . . . I was pleased that I . . .

I discovered that I . . . I was displeased that I . . .

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