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Interpersonal Communication

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Ernest Roy’s Short Course in Human Relations The six most important words: “I admit I made a mistake.” The fi ve most important words: “You did a good job.” The four most important words: “What is your opinion?” The three most important words: “If you please . . .” The two most important words: “Thank You” The one most important word: “We” The least most important word: “I”

Interpersonal Communication

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204 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

Have you ever said to another person, “We just can’t communicate?” Has another person ever said that to you? Actually, you were both communicating at some level, but you were not connecting. What, then, is communication?

Mary Kassian (2004) indicates that the Greek word for communication is konin<nia , which means to share; make known; to interchange thoughts, feelings, and information; to join together; to have fellowship with; to form a connecting link. How important is this?

Because communication underlies all relationships, and the process of communication is such a complex topic, we want to begin by providing some organizational structure for our discussion. Th e fi rst half of the chapter deals with the communication process, including the verbal and nonverbal aspects of communication. Th e remaining part of the chapter is devoted to learning how to improve our listening and responding skills.

Why Do We Need to Communicate?

Without communication, we, as humans, would not be able to survive. We need to fi nd out about the world we live in; we need to know how to interpret the experiences we have; we need to release tension; we need to fi nd out about other people; we need to know how to get information from others; we need to know how to let others know what is going on inside of us.

Communication has been described as the process of conveying feel- ings, attitudes, facts, beliefs, and ideas between individuals, either verbally or non-verbally in such a way that the message intended is received. On the surface, then, communication appears to be such a simple act. Aft er all, our daily lives are fi lled with one communication experience aft er another. When we are with other people who are aware of our presence, it is impossible not to communicate. No matter what we do, we send out messages that say something about ourselves.

Th is points to the fact that communication is perhaps the most important factor in determining the kinds of relationships we have with others. Furthermore, communication is the way relationships are created, maintained, and destroyed. Th e ability to send clear messages and to be heard is central to any ongoing relationship—husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, friends, siblings. In her book Making Contact, Virginia Satir (1995) confi rms this:

I see communication as a huge umbrella that covers and aff ects all that goes on between human beings. Once a human being has arrived

W e have developed communication systems to permit man on earth to talk with man on the moon. Yet, mother often cannot talk with daughter, father to son, black to white, labor with management, or democracy with communism.

HADLEY READ

Think about this Friends say, “We can’t communicate anymore. We aren’t even on the same wavelength.” Kids say, “I can’t talk to my parents. Th ey just don’t understand me.” Parents say, “I can’t talk to my kids. Th ey won’t even listen to me.” Marriage partners say, “We can’t talk to each other. We just don’t have anything meaningful to talk about.” Students say, “We can’t discuss our lack of understanding with Mr. Jones. He thinks he has explained the

chapter perfectly well. Th ere is no use in us trying to talk to him.” An employer learns that his secretary is leaving and just can’t believe she didn’t tell him she was so unhappy.

She replies, “I’ve tried to many times in the past, but we just can’t communicate.”

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 205

on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him. How he manages his survival, how he develops intimacy; how productive he is, how he makes sense, how he connects with his own divinity—all are largely dependent on his com- munication skills.

However, as much communicating as we do, most of us are not all that effi cient in performing this simple act. Perhaps, the trite, but true statement— keep the communication channels open —indicates the complexity, rather than simplicity, of communication.

Why Is Communication Diffi cult? Do you generally communicate what you mean or intend? Do you gener- ally interpret messages in the same way the sender intended? Th ink about the following statement: When two people talk, six possible messages can get through:

1. What you mean to say. 2. What you actually say. 3. What the other person hears. 4. What the other person thinks he hears. 5. What the other person says about what you said. 6. What you think the other person said about what you said.

We are all concerned with the ability to communicate real meaning and understanding. Some people think that communication is really the sending and receiving of messages, because both elements must be present for communication to take place. Th ey think that communication originates with the sender, and they believe that the message sent is the one that is received. Th ey expect their listeners to act in accordance with the intentions of their message, and they are oft en bewildered, hurt, or angry when their listeners do not do so.

W hether clear or garbled, tumultuous or silent, deliberate or fatally inadvertent, communication is the ground of meeting and the foundation of community. It is, in short, the essential human connection.

ASHLEY MONTAGU

Did You Know . . . Did You Know . . .

People Remember:

10% of what they read 50% of what they see and hear 20% of what they hear 80% of what they say 30% of what they see 90% of what they say and do

If You Tell 100 People Something Without Repetition:

After 24 hours, 25 percent have forgotten it. After 48 hours, 50 percent have forgotten it. After 72 hours, 75 percent have forgotten it. After one week, 96 percent have forgotten it.

Vandeveer and Menefee 2006 .

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206 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

As we can see, the fundamental transaction of the message sent and received does not presuppose that communication has occurred. In essence, if I speak and you listen, I may be transmitting information, but that is all. If I speak, however, and you listen, and we understand, then we are communicat- ing eff ectively. Th erefore, eff ective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets the sender’s message the way the sender intended it (Johnson 2008).

Eff ective communication is not just an event, but a process—a process that requires the cooperation and understanding of both parties. What kind of cooperation are we talking about?

What Is Involved in the Communication Process?

In any given situation, there are three commonly accepted parts to the com- munication process. Th ere is always 1) a sender of the message, 2) a receiver of the message and 3) the content of the message. Th e message can be either verbal or nonverbal. Could it be possible that there are really more than three parts to the communication process (De Vito 2008; Hamilton 2008)?

Let us look at a simple diagram (see Figure 5.1) of what is involved in a communication transaction. Assume that Jill wants to inform John, her hus- band, that she would like to remodel the house.

STEP ONE: THE IDEA. Here the sender creates an idea or chooses a fact to communicate. Jill says to herself, “I think I’ll ask John if we can remodel the house.”

STEP TWO: ENCODING. Th e sender, in attempting to get his or her message across, forms a mental picture of that message and then organizes and trans- lates this picture into symbols that will make the sender’s idea receivable. Symbols involve such things as the selection of words, tone and pitch of voice, nonverbal method, or even types of supportive materials. Jill says, “John, there is something I would like to talk to you about aft er dinner and when the children are in bed.” Later, Jill says, “I would like for us to remodel the house this summer.”

N othing in life is more important than the ability to communicate effectively.

GERALD FORD,

FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT

7 6 5 4

321 IDEA

or MESSAGE

ENCODING TRANSMISSION

RECEIVINGDECODINGUNDERSTANDINGFEEDBACK

SENDER—JILL

RECEIVER—JOHN

Feedback becomes a message, and the sender and receiver switch roles.

NOISE NOISE

Figure 5.1

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 207

STEP THREE: TRANSMISSION. Th is refers to the means by which the encoded communication is to be made, or the channel through which the message must pass from the sender to the receiver. Communication channels can be a face-to-face discussion, something in writing, the telephone, or even radio or television. In this instance, Jill chose to talk to John face-to-face.

STEP FOUR: RECEIVING. John can only receive the message if he is attentive to Jill. He must not be reading the newspaper or watching the news.

STEP FIVE: DECODING. Th is is done by the receiver. Th e message that has been transmitted by the sender must be interpreted and translated into meaning. By decoding, the listener has now formed his or her own mental picture of what the sender said. In our example, decoding is not complete until John hears the whole message. Th e opening comment, “John, there is some- thing I would like to talk to you about,” is a good way to get John’s attention and help him listen for the whole message. John hears the complete message from Jill.

STEP SIX: UNDERSTANDING. If the receiver has decoded accurately, the men- tal picture he or she has formed of what the sender said will match. Conse- quently, the message has been understood correctly. In our example, John does not have any trouble understanding that Jill wants to remodel the house this summer.

Th ere is always the possibility that the listener may have misinterpreted the speaker’s words, however, thus forming a totally diff erent mental picture. Th is would mean that communication did not properly take place. Too oft en, this type of communication breakdown occurs, resulting in all sorts of prob- lems, ranging from not knowing what to study for an exam to painful rela- tionship situations.

Th ere is a means of preventing, or at least reducing, this type of commu- nication problem by checking and decoding for accuracy and thus improving the quality of your communication. Th is method is called feedback.

STEP SEVEN: FEEDBACK. Feedback , the process by which the sender clarifi es how his or her message is being received and interpreted, is really the only means for determining whether there is mutual understanding between the sender and receiver.

In our example, John understands Jill’s request, but he does not agree. He acts, or gives feedback, by telling Jill that she will have to wait six more months until his promotion and salary increase will become eff ective. Jill understands John’s position and tells him, “Okay, but I am counting on us starting November 1.” As you can see from this illustration, as well as in Figure 5.1, feedback becomes a message, and the sender and receiver switch roles (Reece and Brandt 2008).

NOISE. Before we leave the communication diagram, it is important to note that noise can occur at every stage of the communication process. Noise includes anything that interferes with communication and distorts the impact of the message. External noise includes such elements in the physical envi- ronment as temperature, a show on television, music on a stereo, loud traffi c, or any other external event or distracting infl uences. Internal noise includes such things as a headache, lack of sleep, daydreaming, preoccupation with other problems, or even a preconceived idea that the message is going to be unimportant or uninteresting (Hamilton 2010).

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208 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

One- and Two-Way Communication

As we have just discussed, since there are so many sources of error or distortion in a message, it is wise for both the sender and receiver to provide adequate feedback to one another in an eff ort to gain understand- ing and rapport. Th is completes the process of two-way communication , with the key element being feedback. One-way communication frequently results in our making inaccurate inferences or assumptions (Reece and Brandt 2008).

One-way communication is sometimes referred to as passive listening , because there is an absence of verbal feedback. Examples of one-way commu- nication might be a class you may be taking which is strictly lecture oriented, or a certain person you know who tends to dominate and control conver- sations, with little interest shown in your ideas or concerns. Even written messages can become avenues for two-way communication. For example, “I’ll follow-up with a phone call to you within a week to hear your ideas on this proposal,” or “Send me your ideas on this proposal, and then we will get together for lunch and discuss our mutual concerns.”

Without a doubt, many of the diffi culties that arise in communication stem from the fact that we fail to remember that communication is really a two-way process. Open two-way communication facilitates understanding in communication, which in turn helps such things as developing a fulfi lling relationship and being able to work together eff ectively (Johnson 2008).

Aft er having reviewed the complete communication process, it becomes apparent that “breakdowns” can occur at any step. Sometimes these “break- downs” are caused by communication barriers —something that stops, blocks, prevents, or hinders. In communication, we may be hindered by a number of barriers that seem to arise from natural human diff erences and others that are the result of personal habits or attitudes. All or most can be eliminated, changed, or minimized. Review Table 5.1 for a partial listing of barriers to interpersonal communication. Which barriers sometimes prevent you from achieving clear, open communication?

Th e remaining sections of this chapter will discuss ways to minimize these barriers and reduce communication “breakdowns.” We will begin with a discussion of nonverbal communication.

W hat you are speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you say. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

I t takes two to make communication.

IRVING LEE

Table 5.1 Barriers to Interpersonal Communication Background and experience Hidden agendas

Health and physical condition Stereotyping

Feelings and emotions Physical environment

Word meaning and usage Preoccupation

Listening only for words Closed mind

Jumping to conclusions Being self-centered

Making snap judgments Failure to listen

Failure to seek clarifi cation Unclear messages

Disregarding feedback Highly charged, emotion-laden words

Status of relationships Talking too fast

Incongruent verbal and nonverbal behavior Generalizations

Lack of eye contact Language level

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 209

Nonverbal Communication

Th e science or study of nonverbal communication, called kinesics , composes a great deal of the meanings between people. Most experts on the subject of nonverbal communication agree that between 65 and 70 percent of our communication is by nonverbal means. Th us, nonverbal communication is an extremely important medium of communication. Actually, nonverbal communication relates to verbal communication in three ways:

1. Nonverbal communication can reinforce the verbal message. 2. Nonverbal communication can replace the verbal message. 3. Nonverbal communication can contradict the verbal message.

When the nonverbal message contradicts the verbal message, a double bind exists. Usually, however, the non-verbal message is more accurate and is believed over the verbal message.

Do you know how you communicate nonverbally? Do you know how other cultures communicate nonverbally? Let’s look at some possible ways.

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND EYE CONTACT. More than any other nonver- bal factor, facial expressions can communicate more emotional mean- ing more accurately. For example, the face:

Communicates evaluative judgment. Reveals the level of interest or lack of it. Can exhibit the level of intensity of the emotions. Reveals the amount of control we have over our expressions. Shows whether we understand or not.

Th rough our facial expressions, we reveal a great deal about our feelings and responses to other people as we nonverbally convey shock, sadness, anger, happiness, worry, and so on. Th is is confi rmed by researcher, Paul Eckman (2007):

Th e rapid facial signals are the primary system for expression of emotion. It is the face you search to know whether someone is angry, disgusted, afraid, sad, etc. Words cannot always describe the feelings people have; oft en words are not adequate to express what you see in the look on someone’s face at an emotional moment.

Th e eyes are the most expressive part of the face and have consider- able eff ect on communication. We may use eye contact in a positive way to:

Invite interaction with another by looking directly at them. Show friendship and positive regard by extended mutual eye contact. Demonstrate believability or honesty. Demonstrate interest by extended eye contact. Signal turn-taking in normal conversation.

Many times we avoid eye contact when we want to hide feelings, when we are tense, when we are interacting with someone we dislike, or when attempt- ing to end social contact. However, it is important to note here that nonverbal expressions have diff erent meanings in various cultures. Th erefore, it is wise to be careful about assigning your culture’s meanings for eye behavior to all people. See Focus on Diversity—Facial Expressions and Eye Contact.

Can you tell what his body language is saying?

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What can you say about this expression?

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210 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

Table 5.2 Can the Way You Say Something Alter What You Mean to Say? Accentuate the one word in each sentence that appears in boldface italics. What are the different possible meanings?

I didn’t say she stole the money.

VOCAL QUALITIES. Paralinguistics is the study of vocal cues such as pitch, rate, tone, fl uency, etc. Almost everyone distinguishes meanings by noting diff erences in vocal qualities. For example, the statement “What a vacation I had” can have at least two diff erent meanings, depending on the tone of voice of the speaker. Th e ambiguous phrase might mean that it was a most enjoyable weekend. With diff erent qualities, however, the listener would assume that it was quite unpleasant (Hamilton 2008).

Facial Expressions and Eye Contact

Researchers indicate we can move people from culture to culture and they know how to make and read the same basic expressions: anger, fear, sadness, disgust, surprise and happiness. The six appear to be hardwired in our brains. Embarrassment, some suspect, may be the seventh (Blum 1998).

The mouth is a very expressive part of the face, and not just for the words that come out of it. However, reactions in the eyes are harder to control. So while Americans, big on

personal expression, look to the mouth to read each other, the relatively subdued Japanese rely more on those revealing orbs (Perina 2006).

White Americans consider a reluctance to make eye contact as rude, disrespectful, and hostile, as well as conveying disinterest. However, looking someone in the eye is often perceived as a sign of disrespect or rudeness by people from many Asian, Latin American, and Caribbean cultures. Many African Americans, especially from the South, observe this custom, too (Baruth and Manning 2006).

IVERSIT Y

FO CUS

I suppose it was something you said

That caused me to tighten and pull away. And when you asked, “What is it?” I, of course, said, “Nothing.” Whenever I say, “Nothing,” You may be very certain there is something. The something is a cold, hard lump of Nothing.

LOUIS WYSE

Vocal Qualities

White Americans often use a loud voice and a warm, hearty greeting when they meet each other. However, Asian Americans are more likely to greet each other calmly and quietly. Native Americans speak more softly and at a slower rate than white Americans do (Santrock 2006).DIVERSIT

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Look at Table 5.2 and try to accentuate the one word in the sentences which appears in boldface italics . Just put extra emphasis on that one word as you read out loud. Each sentence is exactly the same, but watch what happens when you place emphasis on the diff erent words.

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 211

With practice, we can all learn to notice the pitch and timbre of a person’s voice, the rhythm of speech, and the rapidity of expression. Th ese vocal quali- ties help us to tune into the mood of the speaker, as well as to understand how diff erent cultures use vocal qualities in their communication.

GESTURES AND OTHER BODY MOVEMENTS. Because movements and gestu- res of other parts of the body are also closely tied to culture, it is extremely misleading to isolate a single body movement (such as crossing the arms) and give it a precise meaning. Regardless of your intentions, however, your gestures and body movements may be given specifi c meanings by others.

For example, the way a person stands may indicate self-confi dence, sta- tus, friendliness, or enthusiasm. Various types of gestures may be used to indicate feelings of restlessness, nervousness, or perhaps the need to empha- size a meaning. Frequent hand movements, for example, oft en communicate a positive, enthusiastic attitude. However, movements such as the constant pencil tapper or the doodler may indicate nervousness and boredom. Even weak or overly strong handshakes will be given some signifi cance by many

Gestures and Other Body Movements

Gestures are not universal (Cohen and Borsoi 1996). For example, white Americans view a fi rm handshake as a sign of strength and power. However, Native Americans view a fi rm handshake as aggressive and disrespectful (Atkinson 2003). Furthermore, the sign shown in Figure 5.2, which in our culture usually means “OK,” has other meanings in other cultures. In Japan, it can mean “coins.” In France and Belgium, it means “worthless” (as in “zero worth”). In Greece and

Turkey, it is a vulgar sexual invitation.

Another example of how a simple gesture can be subject to misunderstanding and offense is noted in Figure 5.3. The sign of the University of Texas football team, the Longhorns, is to extend the index fi nger and the pinkie. In Italy and other parts of Europe, this gesture means a man’s wife has been unfaithful to him—a serious insult (Tavris and Wade 2007)! Without a doubt, tourists should be very careful about their gestures.

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Figure 5.2 In many cultures, but not all cultures, the circle made with the thumb and forefi nger means everything is “OK.”

Figure 5.3 Be careful where you make this gesture.

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212 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

people. Th ey can communicate enthusiasm, or they can communicate uneasiness.

You will be given an opportunity in one of the exercises in this chapter to evaluate your gestures and body movements. Pay very close attention to what you learn about yourself.

TOUCHING. Some people use the language of touch more easily and read ily than others. Actually, one of the most meaningful methods of nonverbal communica- tion can be that of touching. Th ere are times in our lives when it is diffi cult to express our feelings through words. We may use a hug, a pat on the shoulder, or a clasp of the hand to communicate meaning without words. Touch-

ing is risky, however, because this form of nonverbal communication may vio- late the personal space of others. Because there is indeed a complex language of touch, researchers Heslin and Alper (1983) have suggested a number of factors to consider:

What part of the body does the touching What part of the body is touched How long the touch lasts How much pressure is used Whether there is movement aft er contact is made

Whether anyone else is present Th e situation in which the touch occurs Th e relationship between the persons involved

Kenneth Blanchard (2006) confi rms the ideas of Heslin and Alper: “Th ere is a very simple rule about touching—when you touch, don’t take.”

Th ink for just a moment and respond to these questions. How do you feel when a friend touches you on the shoulder? How do you feel when your boss touches you on the shoulder? How do you feel when a family member touches you on the shoulder? How do you feel when a stranger touches you on the shoulder?

We would guess that you will have many diff erent answers to these questions, which just illustrates that we feel diff erently and interpret diff eren- tly the language of touch.

What is this touch communicating?

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T oo often we under-estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

LEO BUSCAGLIA

Touching

There are cultural and gender differences in the language of touch. For example, there is a strong taboo against strangers touching in Japan, which is refl ected in the suffi cient distance maintained by most Japanese in public. Latinos tend to touch one another while communicating, whereas white Americans tend not to touch

one another while communicating (Santrock 2006).

IVERSIT

FO CUS

PERSONAL SPACE AND DISTANCE. Our own personal space is an invisible bubble around us that allows us to feel safe. As we said earlier, if this bubble is violated, we are uncomfortable and may become defensive. Usually, only

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 213

intimates can violate the space without making us uncomfortable. Sometimes, violation of this space by another can demonstrate that person’s dominance of the situation.

Many times you can tell how people feel toward one another by observing the distance between them. Anthropologist Edward T. Hall (1992) defi ned four distances that we use in our everyday lives. Th ese are:

Intimate distance , which begins with skin contact and ranges out to about 18 inches. Th is is reserved for close friends and loved ones, or other people to whom you feel aff ectionate.

Personal distance , from 18 inches to 4 feet. Th is is where you may carry on a friendly conversation or sometimes even a heated argument.

Social distance , from 4 to 12 feet. Th is is reserved for social interactions that are businesslike or impersonal.

Public distance , ranging out from 12 feet. Th is is reserved for speaking to a large audience.

Hall is careful to note that these distances pertain to Americans only and may be quite diff erent for peo ple raised in other cultures. For example, Americans are quite comfortable conducting business at a diff er ence of approximately four feet, but people from the Middle East stand much closer. Th erefore, it is easy to see how feelings of uneasiness can occur without either individual possibly knowing why (Hall 1992).

PHYSICAL ENVIRONMENT AND TERRITORY. What characteristics in a physical environment make you feel comfortable or uncomfortable? What do you think your room, house, or car communicates to others? Do you prefer a neat and “tidy” room, house, or car, or do you prefer the more “lived-in” look? What meaning do you give to a spotless house or to a friend’s con- stantly clean car? How about your desk at home or work? Is it free of papers, or does it look like someone works there every minute of the day and night ? Interest- ingly enough, physical environments not only reveal characteristics of the owner of the territory but also actually aff ect how a person communicates.

CLOTHING AND PERSONAL APPEARANCE. What we wear and how we groom ourselves are also important means of nonverbal communication. We send messages about our economic level, level of success, social position, educational background, moral character, and sometimes just our personal

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Whom do you allow within your intimate distance?

Personal Space and Distance

French people maintain very small personal spaces in trains, buses, cafes, and even in their homes, and they increase their involvement with other people by using more direct body postures and eye contact. In consequence, when Americans visit Paris, they are sometimes shocked when strangers approach so closely and stare right into

their eyes. Furthermore, when Americans attempt to protect their invaded personal space, Parisians interpret their retreat as a lack of good manners (Dresser 2005).

IVERSIT Y

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214 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

D o not the most moving moments of our lives fi nd us all without words?

MARCEL MARCEAU

preferences. We also may send messages that suggest, “notice me.” For example, there is a tremendous amount of pressure in schools to wear the “in” brand of jeans, shoes, dress, and so on.

Although it is natural to make assumptions about clothing and personal appearances, it is equally important to note that this area of nonverbal communication is fi lled with ambiguity. A stranger, wearing worn, ill-fi tting clothes, might normally be a stylish person or even a millionaire. Maybe today he or she is on vacation, going to do some “dirty” work, or just wants to be comfortable. Th is points to the fact that as we get to know others better, the importance of clothing and personal appearance decreases.

What kind of messages do you think you send about the clothing you wear and the manner in which you groom yourself?

SILENCE. Silence is communication. Silence may convey relaxation, con- tentment, fatigue, anxiety, frustration, uncertainty, shyness, avoidance, or thoughtful analyses. Sometimes, what we do not say has more impact than what we do say. For example, silence can be used to convey negative messages such as “I’m angry with you,” “I’m not OK,” or positive messages of, “It is nice just to be alone,” “I understand.”

Nonverbal communication , everything in the communication context except the actual words being uttered, is sometimes very clear and unam- biguous. At times it can be diffi cult to decipher. Mark Knapp and Judith Hall (2009), authors of Nonverbal Communication in Human Interaction , remind us that as we become aware of nonverbal messages in our everyday lives, we need to think of them not as facts, but as clues that need to be checked out. Furthermore, we can be more eff ective in communicating messages if we support words with appropriate forms of nonverbal communication.

Verbal Communication

Verbal communication —words and language—is generally considered the primary means of communication. We gather, share, give, and receive infor- mation through words, and establish, continue, or terminate relationships through words. Words can make us feel good or miserable; they can make us lose our tempers or keep our cool; they can persuade us to take action or

How To Improve Nonverbal Communication The following don’ts can dilute the most compelling words.

Pointing a fi nger Playing with rubber bands or paper clips

Pounding your fi st Twirling your mustache

Placing hands on hips Clicking pens

Licking your lips Repeatedly adjusting your glasses

Looking at the fl oor Assuming a stern facial expression

Playing with pocket change Repeatedly touching your hair

Pachter 2006.

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 215

Semantics?????

Two fi rst-time visitors to Montreal, Quebec (the French-Canadian province), entered a restaurant for dinner. After looking over the menu, the husband suggested they order the shrimp cocktail entrees. He said to his wife, “A whole shrimp dinner for $11.95 Canadian is quite a deal. I guess it’s because Montreal is a seaport.” When

the entrees arrived, the visitors were sadly disappointed because they were the size of an appetizer.

The husband asked the server why the entrees were so small in Montreal. With a smile, the server replied, “You folks must be Americans. In French-speaking countries the word entrée is just the beginning of the meal, like the word enter. In the United States, it’s just the reverse— the entrée is the main meal. Are you now ready to order your main meal?”

convince us not to move; they can be clear and concise or ambiguous and confusing; more importantly, they cannot be unsaid once they are said.

Actually, the way we use words may communicate much more than the actual words used. As we have already discussed, our tone of voice and the emphasis placed on our words may reveal far more than our choice of words. As we can see, it is the meaning and understanding behind words that is the essence of communication. And, meanings are in people—not words. Let us look at some barriers or ways that meanings can go astray.

SEMANTICS. Semantics is the study of meaning and changes of meanings in words. It is virtually impossible to communicate eff ectively if the people conversing do not understand the same terminology, or if they hold diff erent meanings for the same word. For example, consider the common expressions:

I’ll be back in a little while. I’ll be back in a few minutes. I’ll be back about 5:00 P.M.

What or when is a little while or a few minutes ? Do we mean a little late, or do we mean 5, 10, or 30 minutes? Does “about 5:00 P.M.” mean exactly 5:00 P.M., or does the expression mean between 5:00 and 6:00 P.M.? What do you mean when you use these expressions?

Also, certain occupations have their “jargon” too: realtors talk about going aft er “listings”; computer programmers talk about using the “C programming language”; individuals working in fi nance and credit talk about a “class 2-A credit rating.” Do you know what all of these statements mean? Any profes- sion, avocation, or fi eld of specialization will develop such word usages. Th is oft en splits persons inside the group from those outside the group in that they will use the same language terminology to mean diff erent things.

Even countries have diff erent meanings for the same word. For example, in the United States, “Let us table that motion,” means “Let us put it aside.” In England, the same phrase means, “Let us bring it up for discussion.” Maybe the meaning only rests in the “eyes of the beholder.” Th e beholder leaves the listener to guess what he or she means, while the beholder operates on assumptions that he or she is, in fact, communicating. Th e listener, in turn, proceeds on the basis of what he or she guesses. Mutual misunderstanding is an obvious result.

O ur language is funny—a fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing .

J. GUSTAV WHITE

IVERSIT

FO CUS

I know you believe you understand what you think

I said. But I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

ANONYMOUS

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216 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

ASSUMPTIONS. To assume is to accept as fact without any evidence of proof (Milliken 2004). Oft en, we make the mistake of assuming that others will understand more than we actually say to them. “If it is clear to me, it must be clear to you also.” Th is assumption is one of the most diffi cult barriers to successful human communication. In personal relationships, for example, we may expect our intimates to be able to read our minds because they know us so well. “She ought to know how I feel,” you may say to yourself, even though you have said nothing about your feelings.

A story is told of a family ruckus that occurred when the father sent his son to the lumber yard for a longer board. Th e young man thought he knew what his father wanted—but the longer board he brought back was

How To Improve Verbal Communication

Speak with enthusiasm

Enunciate

Use infl ection

Avoid antagonistic words

Use short, simple sentences

Adjust the volume of your voice to the situation

Adjust your speaking rate to the situation

Keep the door open for feedback

Word Power Words can comfort or they can hurt. Words can compliment and they can also insult. Words can motivate just as they can hinder. They can inspire and they can reject. Words can express feelings or they can verbalize reactions. Words, carelessly or angrily spoken can be as destructive a force as the fi ercest storm. And once the damage has been done it takes much more than words to mend or rebuild that which in the moment of thoughtlessness received the crashing blow. . . . of piercing, crushing Words.

Delyn Dendy Harrison

Delyn Dendy Harrison, Some Things Are Better Said in Black and White (Fort Worth, Texas: Branch Smith, Inc., 1978) p. 13. Used with permission.

T hat words are powerful may seem obvious, but the fact is that most of us, most of the time, use them lightly. We choose our clothes more carefully than we choose our words, though what we say about and to others can defi ne them indelibly.

JOSEPH TELUSHKIN

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 217

still three feet too short. His father became angry and accused the boy of being stupid and not listening. Th e father had simply assumed that since he knew what he meant by longer, his son would also know. Could it be possible that Dad had not bothered to make himself clear or to check his meaning with his son? SELFCONCEPT. Th e most important single factor aff ecting our communi- cation with others is our self-concept. Chapter two showed that a strong self-concept is necessary for healthy and satisfying interactions. On the other hand, if we have a weak self-concept, we may feel inadequate and lack the confi dence to converse with others. As a result, we feel our ideas are not worth communicating and we become guarded in our communica- tion attempts.

In circumstances where we feel insecure or unsafe, it is extremely easy for us to feel that our self-image is being threatened. As a result, our defenses are immediately aroused. It is so easy to take an innocent remark and reply with, “What did you mean by that?” We may distort questions into accusations. Our replies become immediate justifi cations.

For example, a husband may ask his wife, “Did you happen to get my blue shirt from the cleaners?” His intention may be informational. If the wife feels insecure, she may respond as if the issue was her inability to meet his needs. She may say, “No, I didn’t. I can’t think of everything, you know, when I’ve got the kids with me and time is getting short, and I can’t even fi nd a decent roast that we can aff ord. I suppose you think my getting your shirt is more important than preparing a good meal.” Th e wife assumes an accusation is made. Th is accusation may be seen as an “intended putdown.” Does the hus- band really mean to cut the wife down, or does the wife have her feelings on her shoulders?

EMOTIONPACKED PHRASES. As we can see, words stated may not be as important as the way in which we catch these words. Because it is highly possible for us to operate on diff erent mood levels, an experience we have had during the day may cause us to react with words that we really do not mean. Sometimes, our mood level, combined with certain emotion-packed phrases, really sets us off . Some of these emotion-packed phrases are as follows (Hoff man and Graiver 1987):

Aft er all I’ve done for you . . . I wish you would say what you mean . . . Aft er you have been here as long as I have . . . When I was your age . . . Do you know what you are doing? . . . You aren’t upset, are you? . . . Talk to me later . . . Do you understand me? . . . I wouldn’t do that . . . You wouldn’t understand . . . Are you sure that’s right? . . . Any very opinionated statement . . .

Have you ever reacted to one of these emotion-packed phrases? It takes a great deal of practice to learn to listen, to not be distracted by emotion- packed phrases. Th e key here is to respond to the statement and not react to

T he real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

DOROTHY NEVELL

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218 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

the statement. Aft er all, when you respond, the rational, thinking, logical part of you is communicated, but when you react, the emotional, feeling, irrational part of you is communicated. Sociolinguist professor Deborah Tannen (1992) in her powerful communication book, Th at’s Not What I Meant, off ers some helpful advice:

Th e most important thing is to be aware that misunderstandings can arise and with them tempers, when no one is crazy and no one is mean and no one is intentionally dishonest. We can learn to stop and remind ourselves that others may not mean what we hear them say.

As we can see, there are numerous ways that words can go astray. What about communicating with e-mail, text messaging, and other forms of technology?

Technology and Communication

Th ere has been a tremendous increase in electronic and wireless commu- nication technology. Communicating by e-mail, text messaging, instant messaging, chat rooms, videoconferencing, etc. has reduced the traditional memos, letters, phone calls, and face-to-face conversations. In fact, a new type of slang, (“netlingo”) has developed to facilitate faster communication for use in cell phone, text messaging, e-mail messages and chat rooms (Ellis 2006). For example, TY means Th ank You; GTG means got to go; IDK means I Don’t Know.

More than thirty million e-mails are exchanged throughout North America on any given day (Joyner 2006). Consequently, just respond- ing to e-mails, either for business or personal reasons has become quite time consuming. Because face-to-face paralanguage and body language are non-existent in computer-mediated communication, both clarity and effectiveness are at risk (Hannah et al. 2008). Be sure and review the helpful hints for improving the writing of e-mails and Table 5.3 “Open to Misinter pretation.”

M any people perceive a style difference as the other person’s personal failing. If we could see style differences for what they are, then a lot of blaming and negative feelings could be eliminated. Nothing hurts more than being told your intentions are bad when you know they are good, or being told that you are doing something wrong when you know you’re just doing it your way.

DEBORAH TANNEN

How To Improve the Writing of E-mails

Choose your words carefully. Try reading your message aloud if possible. Does it sound like what you want to say?

Be Specifi c—especially about names, places, dates and times.

If this is a business message, be brief. Realize that every receiver probably has many messages to read.

Do not send a message unless you are relatively sure that the receiver will appreciate it or unless it is absolutely necessary. There are far too many forwarded messages circulating.

Learn e-mail etiquette. For example, using capital letters often comes across as if you are yelling.

Booher (2001) Hannah et al. (2008).

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 219

Table 5.3 Open to Misinterpretation A MAJORITY OF ADULTS SAY ONLINE COMMUNICATION IS MORE LIKELY TO BE MISINTERPRETED THAN A CONVERSATION FACE-TO-FACE

E-mail 80%

Text message 78%

Letter/written 71%

Telephone 53%

Face-to-face 37%

USA Today, December 2, 2007.

Gender and Communication

For a moment, review Table 5.4, Diff erent Languages, adapted from the research and writings of Deborah Tannen (1992), John Gray (1992; 2001), and Barbara Pease (2001). Do you agree or disagree with these diff erences? Tannen (1992) off ers some helpful hints on learning how to deal with these diff erences. For example, men may need to understand why many women like to talk about the details of their personal lives, and women need to understand that most men do not have this need. In addition, both women and men need to extend their communication strategies by adding aspects of the other style to their own. Some men may need to learn to feel more comfortable talking about their personal lives, while some women could benefi t by talking more about impersonal topics and talking in a more assertive manner.

Sometimes, our communication attempts go astray because we fail to listen. We will now discuss the skills of listening and the qualities essential for improving person-to-person communication.

Communication We also need to remember that men and women often use different styles in communication. Consider the following exchange:

A couple are in their car on a long-distance journey. The woman asks her husband, “Would you like to stop for a cup of coffee?” “No,” he says, and they do not stop. He was later upset to learn that his wife was annoyed because she had wanted to stop for coffee. He asked, “Why didn’t you just say what you wanted? Why did you play this game with me?” She explained that she was upset not because she did not get her way, but because her preference had not even been considered. From her

point of view, she had shown concern for her husband’s wishes, but he had shown no concern for hers.

Different Languages

In the national best-seller, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, Deborah Tannen (2001) contends that males and females are typically socialized in different “cultures.” That is, males are likely to speak and hear a language of “status and independence” while females are likely to speak and hear a language of “connection and intimacy.” Stated in another way, men use language to challenge others, to achieve status in a group, to convey information, and to keep from getting pushed around. On the other hand, women use language to achieve and share intimacy with others, to promote closeness and equality in a group, and to prevent others from pushing them away. It is not so much that men want to dominate women as that they simply have different ways of communicating.

Yet, there are some researchers who feel that some of the differences in male and female communication styles are really not due to biological sex at all. After all, it is just about individual personality differences. At any rate, it is important to be cautious about putting all men and all women into some type of category.

What do you think?

& YOU

GE NDER

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220 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

Listening (What Did You Say?) How many times have you had a conversation with people and not heard a word they said? Do you some- times ignore others when they are talking? How many times have you had a conversation with someone, and you felt they were not paying attention to you? Actu- ally, listening is a form of paying attention, which is an active process involving much more than hearing and seeing.

According to Stephen Covey (2004), when another person speaks, we are usually “listening” at one of four levels. We may be ignoring another person, not really listening at all. We may practice pretending . “Yeah.

Uh-huh. Right.” We may practice selective listening , hearing only certain parts of the conversation. Or we may even practice attentive listening ,

paying attention and focusing energy on the words that are being said. Very few of us ever practice the fi ft h level, however, the highest form of listening, empathetic listening —listening with the intent to understand. We will discuss listening with the intent to understand in greater detail later in the chapter.

Communication experts describe listening as our primary communi- cation activity. According to one study, college students spent an average of 50 percent of their time listening compared to speaking (20 percent), read- ing (6 percent), and writing (8 percent) (Janusik and Wolvin 2006). It is interesting to note that while colleges oft en require classes which evaluate competence in writing and speaking, few highlight listening as an important communication skill.

Unfortunately, few people are good listeners. Researchers claim that 75 percent of oral communication is ignored, misunderstood, or quickly for- gotten (Bolton 1986). It just seems that the speaker’s words go in one ear and out the other. Yet, the quality of your friendships, the closeness of your family relationships, and your eff ectiveness at work depend to a great extent on your ability to listen (O’Neill and Chapman 2008).

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who wasn’t paying attention?

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o c k S

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S h u tt e rs

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Table 5.4 Different Languages MEN . . . WOMEN . . .

Talk about sports, money, facts, business, and events, while doing something else and often without looking at each other

Talk about feelings, relationships, people, and psychological states face to face, sitting down

Use commands to get what they want Use requests

Use and respond to actions more than words in communicating Rely on and respond to words in communicating

Communicate to persuade, argue, control, impress, or negotiate Communicate to share, inform, support, or seek agreement

Language is factual and action oriented Language is emotional and evaluative

Emphasize talking rather than listening in conversations Emphasize listening and sharing in conversations

Use pauses in conversation for emphasis Use “intensifi ers” like really, terrifi cally, tremendously, (for emphasis)

Speak mostly in a monotone Use a variety of tones of voice to convey emotion and meaning

Express feelings indirectly Verbalize feelings directly

Interrupt more in conversation Are interrupted more

Speak authoritatively regardless of subject Speak in tentative terms

Tannen 1992 and Gray 2004; 2001; Pease 2001 .

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 221

Is there really a diff erence in hearing and listening? Hearing is a word used to describe the physiological sensory process by which auditory sensa- tions are received by the ears and translated to the brain. Listening , on the other hand, is an intellectual and emotional process that integrates physical, emotional, and intellectual inputs in a search for meaning and understanding (Barker and Watson 2000).

In short, you can hear what another person is saying without really listen- ing to him. How can this be possible?

Barriers to Listening

Do you have any habits, attitudes, or desires that may screen out what is really said? Are you ever too busy to really listen? What kinds of things prevent you from really listening? Let us examine some possible barriers to listening.

INTERNAL PSYCHOLOGICAL FILTER. Each of us has an internal psychologi- cal fi lter through which we process all the information we receive. Th is fi lter consists of prejudices, past experiences, hopes, and anxieties. Everything that we hear, see, or read is interpreted through this fi lter. For example, the style of a speaker’s clothing, facial expressions, posture, accent, color of skin, man- nerisms, or age can cause you to make prejudgments and tune him or her out—all because of what is in your fi lter.

Th e further we go through life, the more clogged that fi lter can get. Regardless of what we intend to say, what is ultimately heard depends on what is in the fi lter of the listener. If your fi lter contains memories of many painful past experiences, then you may perceive hurt where none is intended. If your fi lter contains a reservoir of unexpressed anger from the past, then you may hear anger in what others say, regardless of their intent. In Principle Centered Leadership, Stephen Covey (2005) summarizes the root of most communica- tion problems as being perception problems:

W e have been given two ears but a single mouth, in order that we may hear more and talk less.

ZENO OF CITIUM

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem. Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do—just hear me. And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling. And when that’s clear the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them. So, please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I’ll listen to you.

Listen L istening is as important as talking. If you’re a good

listener, people often compliment you for being a good conversationalist.

GOV. JESSE VENTURA

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222 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

None of us see the world as it is but as we are, as our frames of refer- ence or “maps” defi ne the territory. And our experience-induced percep- tions greatly infl uence our feelings, beliefs, and behavior.

HIDDEN AGENDA. Sometimes we enter a conversation or situation with a spe- cial interest in mind, a grudge which we are wanting to bring into the open, or even a “chip on our shoulder.” Consequently, we may hear the message in accordance with our own needs. Either consciously or unconsciously, we may sabotage a meeting or direct a conversation in such a way as to further our own needs and motives.

PREOCCUPATION AND LACK OF INTEREST. Th e communication failures aris- ing from the gap between what the sender meant does not usually arise from word usage or lack of verbal ability. Many times we are so preoccu- pied that we just do not listen to what others are saying. We may allow our mind to wander while we are waiting for the speaker to make his or her next thought. Perhaps, we need to remember, that the rate of speech is about

T he word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

ALFRED BRENDEL

100–150 words per minute and the rate of thought is about 400–600 words per minute. Also, we may be so preoccupied with what we have to say that we listen to others only to fi nd an opening to get the fl oor to say what we want to say. Sometimes, our fast-paced lifestyle contributes to our not tak- ing the time to really listen to others. We may not even be interested or care enough to listen.

A story is told of a very busy business executive who every morning rushed through the offi ce and asked his secretary, “How are you?” She always said, “Fine, thank you.” Aft er all, is not that what we expect others to say to such a question? Rushing through the offi ce, the executive replied, “Th at is great.” One day, the secretary decided to really “test” the executive’s ear. When the usual question came the next morning, the secretary said, “Terrible, terrible, thank you.” Th e executive, still rushing into his offi ce replied, “Th at is great.” Th e executive’s ear had really been tested.

L istening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative

force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward, and we want to sit in their radius. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.

KARL MENNINGER

How To Improve Listening Skills

Be receptive and attentive

Allow the speaker to speak freely; limit your lip

Listen to the speaker and ignore distractions

Avoid preoccupation with your own thoughts and what you want to say next

Use verbal following or minimal encourages

Avoid all judgments, initially

Try to listen for more than just the spoken words

Use feedback and refl ect on what the speaker said

Adapted from Hamilton (2008) and Fisher-Sykes (2005).

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 223

D on’t judge any person until you have walked two moons in their moccasins.

AMERICAN INDIAN PROVERB

It seems as though the capacity to listen eff ectively is a “natural gift ” for some people. Th is “natural gift ” has been referred to as sensitivity. However, the ability to listen can be cultivated by anyone who wants to develop this capacity. It requires a conscious alertness that can become a habit with practice.

Styles of Responding

How do you respond when others want to discuss their problems or inner- most feelings with you? Do you ask a lot of questions? Are you judgmental, or supportive? Do you ever criticize?

Noted psychologist Carl Rogers (1995) indicates that a major barrier to building close relationships is the very natural tendency we have to “judge and evaluate the statements made by others.”

Sometimes we overuse one style, rely on the style too early in the conver- sation, or fail to know when and how to use a style that will be of most benefi t to the sender and thereby create a better relationship. Let us discuss six of the more common styles of responding: 1) Evaluative or Judging, 2) Advising, 3) Interpretative, 4) Supportive, 5) Questioning, and 6) Understanding (Adler, et al. 2008).

EVALUATIVE OR JUDGING. Th is type of response shows that the receiver is making a judgment about the motive, personality, or reasoning of the sender. Th e evaluation indicates the sender’s statement is either “right” or “wrong.” Th e response may be positive, “You’re right on target,” or unfavorable, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” In both cases, the receiver appears to be qualifi ed to suggest to the sender what he or she might or ought to do.

Since evaluative or judgmental responses oft en lead to defensiveness, it is best to begin your responses with “I feel . . .,” rather than “You are. . . .” Evaluative or judgmental responses are best accepted when you have been specifi cally asked to make a value judgment and when you want to disclose your own values and attitudes. In the early stages of relationships, it is generally best to avoid evaluative or judgmental responses.

CRITICIZING. Even though criticizing is oft en a part of the evaluative or judg- ing response, it is also a commonly used and even misunderstood response pattern. Th erefore, we have decided to discuss it separately. Sometimes, you may want to give someone some constructive feedback, but you are afraid they will perceive it as criticism. Aft er all, have not you perceived feedback as really just criticism? Criticism oft en has a negative connotation and may not be pleasant, but it can be helpful when it leads to productive changes. If you want to give constructive criticism or feedback, rather than destructive criti- cism or feedback, it is wise to remember these points (Groder 1997):

Emphasize Behavior Rather Th an Personalities. Concentrate on what a person does or says rather than who you think the person is. Th e use of choice adjectives oft entimes leads to labeling the person rather than the behavior. Th is causes defensiveness. Th ere is a big diff erence between saying, “John is lazy” and in “John works slowly.”

Refrain from Using “You” Messages. Th e use of “You” messages creates a feeling of blame and accusation. It is more appropriate to say, “I felt hurt today when . . .” rather than use, “You were cruel today when . . .”

Y ou have the right to get angry, but you do not have

the right or the license to attack another person or their character traits.

HAIM GINOTT

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224 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

Criticism is like fertilizer—the right amount does wonders,

but too much is fatal.

Focus on Actual Observations Rather Th an Judgments. Reporting what actually occurred is giving objective feedback. However, reporting on what you think about what actually occurred is giving subjective, value-laden feedback. It is one thing to say, “I really liked the house better the way it was decorated,” and quite another to say, “Th e house looks terrible now.”

Do Not Criticize When You Are Angry or Upset. Other people will hear only your anger and not your message. “Cool down” until you can express yourself with facts. It is acceptable to say, “I need to think this through and get back with you later.”

Concentrate on Sharing Ideas Rather Th an on Giving Advice. It is less threatening to say, “Here are some ideas for you to think about . . .” rather than, “Well, you would be wise to do. . . .” Sharing ideas gives options to others; advising implies, “My solution is the best way.”

When others respond to you with criticism, it is easier to handle if you can learn to deal with it intellectually and not emotionally. Remember to respond and not to react. Rather than hearing criticism as a personal attack, it might be helpful to remember some suggestions from Harriet Lerner (2002):

Listen. Do not panic and get defensive when someone criticizes you. Calm listening helps you think clearly.

Analyze. Is the criticism factually correct or is the critic mostly venting anger? If the critic is really just ventilating, you can sympathize with his or her feelings without accepting the content of what they say.

Decide What to Do. If the criticism is accurate, what can you do to remedy the situation and prevent recurrences? If you decide to change your behavior as a result of the criticism, let your critic know.

Practice. Make an honest eff ort to consistently practice the new routine or behavior until it feels natural or becomes a habit.

ADVISING. Th is is responding to others by off ering a solution. Sometimes this type of response is helpful and sometimes it is not. For example, we may have the tendency to tell others how we would behave in their place. Th ey may not want to hear what we would do; they may just want us to listen to their thoughts. Giving advice also means that you may get blamed if the advice is

C riticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish one’s growth without destroying one’s roots.

THE BEST OF BITS & PIECES

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 225

followed and does not work. In giving advice, it is helpful to remember to be sure: 1) your advice is correct, 2) the other person really wants your advice, 3) the other person is willing to accept the responsibility for choosing to fol- low your advice.

Foster Cline (2006), a nationally known psychiatrist, frequently suggests two magic sentences that will help you from appearing dogmatic when off er- ing advice:

I wonder if it would be helpful to . . . rather than, If I were you, I would . . .

Do you think it would be benefi cial to . . . rather than, You really should . . .

When giving advice, it is important to remember some advice from Paula Englander-Golden and Virginia Satir (1991):

We maximize our chances of being heard when we express our caring friendship and support while expressing our hopes, wishes, and a specifi c suggestion that our friend can consider.

INTERPRETATIVE. In this response, the receiver tries to tell the sender what his or her problem really is and how the sender really feels about the situation. Th e receiver implies what the sender might or ought to think. Consider these statements:

I don’t think you really mean to say that. Maybe you are really feeling . . . It sounds to me that what is actually bothering you is . . .

Giving an interpretative response can oft en off er a person another way of looking at his or her situation. It can produce great insight. Interpretative responses are best received when they are made as suggestions rather than as absolutes and when they are off ered with integrity and empathy.

SUPPORTIVE. Th is response shows the receiver’s intent is to reassure, comfort or minimize the intense feelings of the sender. Th ere is an implication that the sender not feel as he or she does. Statements such as, “Now, it is okay. It is all going to be better,” or “Mary, you don’t have anything to worry about. I know you can pass your test,” are examples of supportive responses. Consider this exchange:

Sender: I could die here, and no one would even notice. Receiver: Now, now, it’s okay. It’s all going to be better. I will

help you.

Th is reply may not have acknowledged the content or emotion of the original statement and may get you involved in a situation you wished you had avoided. It might be more helpful to simply say, “Let’s talk about why you feel this way.”

Supportive statements are best received when they are sincere and help others to feel accepted and motivated to try and solve their problems. Some- times, supportive statements can be made in a joking manner and result in the sender feeling “put down” and “worse off ” than before.

QUESTIONING. Th is response indicates that the receiver wants to probe the sender for additional information and to discuss the issue further. Th e receiver

F riendship will not stand the strain of very much good

advice for very long.

ROBERT S. LYND

T he greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.

HENRY DAVID THOREAU

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226 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

oft en implies that the sender might benefi t from discussing the issue in more detail. Typical statements might be:

What is your understanding of why your husband lost his job? How do you feel about that?

Questioning is a way to get additional information so that you can under- stand the situation in more detail. Actually, if you do not understand the situ- ation, it is extremely important that you try to ask questions for clarifi cation before you respond to the situation. We have a tendency to ask questions that oft en fail to give us adequate information. Let us distinguish between two types of questions: closed questions and open questions . Closed questions oft en result in yes, no, or a very short response. Open questions , on the other hand, provide space for the speaker to explore his or her thoughts.

Let us look at a typical example between a boss and an employee who have been having confl ict with a valued customer. Th e employee enters the boss’s offi ce, and the boss replies:

Closed question: Do you want to see me about the Smith account? Open question: What’s on your mind, Linda?

In short, closed questions are like multiple choice or true/false test questions, whereas open questions are like essay questions.

It is also important that you ask questions about the issue raised, rather than asking questions about irrelevant issues. You do not want to lead the sender to possibly more problems and forget the original issue.

Another important aspect of questioning is to remember to avoid inter- rogating and manipulating the other person. Too many questions do pre- cisely that.

If you have reviewed the Communication Spoilers and given some thought to the styles of responding discussed above, you may be thinking to yourself, “I am confused. It seems that all these responses can spoil my attempts at listening and communicating. Is there another type of response that will be more eff ective for me?”

UNDERSTANDING. Th is response indicates that the receiver is seeking to fully understand what the sender is actually saying. Stephen Covey (2004), author of Th e 7 Habits of Highly Eff ective People, believes that understanding is the key to achieving eff ective interpersonal communication. Covey makes a pro- found point about understanding:

If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the fi eld of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek fi rst to understand, then to be understood.

Because this is the most eff ective way of responding to others and requires the specifi c skills of active listening, sometimes referred to as empathetic lis- tening, we will now discuss the meaning and development of these skills.

Active Listening—Empathetic Listening

In active listening you see the expressed idea, attitude, or problem from the other person’s point of view, to sense how it feels to the sender, and to achieve the sender’s frame of reference in regard to the thing he or she is talking about. Th is really means that you are listening with the whole body and that

T he reality of the other person is not in what he reveals to you, but in what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says but rather to what he does not say.

KAHLIL GIBRAN

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 227

you are paying careful attention to the person who is talking. How is this achieved?

As a vehicle of communication, listening must focus on the other person, not just on what the other person is saying. Th is has been referred to as listening with the third ear . Th e third ear hears what is said between the lines and without words, what is expressed soundlessly, and what the speaker feels and thinks. It is listening in such a way that creates an atmosphere of communication; others will be able to hear us because they feel we have heard them, that we are in touch with them and not just what they are saying. How can you learn to listen with the third ear?

Robert Bolton (1986) and Th omas Gordon (2000) have written extensively about the requirements of active listening. We will now discuss four of these: 1) develop a posture of involvement, 2) make use of door openers, 3) keep the other person talking with minimal encourages, and 4) respond refl ectively.

DEVELOP A POSTURE OF INVOLVEMENT. Th is means you practice the habit of inclining your body toward the speaker rather than leaning back in the chair or slouching around on the fl oor or on the sofa. It also means you position yourself at a comfortable distance from the speaker so that you can have close eye contact. Usually, about three feet is a comfortable distance in our society. Eff ective eye contact expresses interest and a desire to listen. You will also need to turn the TV or stereo off and remove any environmental distractions. Remember to actively listen means to move with the speaker.

MAKE USE OF DOOR OPENERS. Th is is really just an invitation for the other person to say more. Th ese responses do not communicate any of the listener’s own ideas or judgments or feelings; they merely invite the other person to share his own ideas, judgments, or feelings. Some examples might be:

Tell me more about that . . . Let’s talk about it . . . Go ahead, I’m listening . . . Sounds like you have a lot of feelings about that . . . Th is seems like something that is important to you . . . I’d like to hear some more about that . . . Can you tell me what’s going on . . . Sounds like this is diffi cult for you to talk about . . .

Most people feel encouraged to talk with the use of door openers. More importantly, people feel worthy, respected, signifi cant, and accepted when we invite them to share their feelings and ideas.

KEEP THE OTHER PERSON TALKING WITH MINIMAL ENCOURAGES. Minimal encourages are brief indicators to the other person that you are still listening. Some examples you can use are:

“Mm-hmmm.” “I see.” “Really.” “Oh.” “You did, huh.” “And.” “How about that.” “Interesting.” “Go on.” “I hear you.”

I can never tell you what you said, but only what I heard.

I will have to rephrase what you have said, and check it out with you to make sure that what left your mind and heart arrived in my mind and heart intact and without distortion.

JOHN POWELL

Are you an effective listener?

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228 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

Another way to use minimal encourages is to repeat the last word or two of the speaker’s comment. When the speaker says, “I just don’t know what to do; I guess I’m confused,” the listener may respond, “Confused?” Generally, the speaker will then express more about his or her confusion.

RESPOND REFLECTIVELY. Th omas Gordon (2000) explains responding refl ec- tively in this way:

In active listening, the receiver tries to understand what the sender is feeling or what his message means. Th en, he puts his understanding into his own words and feeds it back for the sender’s verifi cation. Th e receiver does not send a message of his own—such as an evaluation, opinion, advice, logic, analysis, or question. He feeds back only what he feels the sender’s message meant—nothing more, nothing less.

As you can probably see, when you use active listening, you really respond refl ectively in two ways. First, you paraphrase or state the essence of the other’s content in your own words, focusing on facts and ideas rather than the emotions the sender is expressing.

Paraphrasing responses usually begin with phrases such as:

What I hear you saying is … Correct me if I’m wrong … Do I understand you correctly that …

Let us look at this exchange:

Sender: “My psychology professor is really piling the assignments on, and I’ll never get caught up. Does she think psychology is the only course I am taking?”

Receiver: “Do I understand you correctly that she is giving you too much work and doesn’t realize you have three other college courses?”

Sender: “Oh she knows I have other courses, but it is just the end of the semester, and she is shoving it all in at the last minute.”

Receiver: “It doesn’t seem fair, is that it?” Sender: “It really isn’t, but I’ll just have to buckle down and get the

work done. I need this course on my degree plan.”

Sometimes people confuse paraphrasing with parroting. However, parroting means to repeat exactly the speaker’s words.

Secondly, when possible, mirror back to the speaker the emotions which he or she is communicating. Th e most diffi cult part of learning to respond refl ec- tively is to listen for the feeling of the other person. Th e format is simple when you learn to listen for feeling words. For example:

“You sound ______ about _______.” angry this

frustrated that worried the other

upset thing excited . . . . . .

Let us look at some examples:

Sender: “I could die here, and no one would even notice.” Receiver: “You sound really frustrated.” Sender: “Oh, I just get to thinking that no one really cares about me.”

I wish that you would take the time to try and

understand why I think the way I think, and why I feel the way I feel.

DAVID AUGSBURGER

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 229

Receiver: “So, maybe you aren’t frustrated, but just a little angry.” Sender: “Yea, I suppose I am a little angry. I just wish I knew how my

family really cares about me.”

You will note that in both of these examples, the receiver actively demon- strates that he or she genuinely wants to understand the sender and to hear more of the problem. Th e receiver does not make evaluative or judgmental responses regarding either the sender or the content. Instead, the receiver just paraphrases or mirrors back what the sender has said. By maintaining an objective stance, the active listener encourages a sharing of ideas and paves the way for a freer exchange of other points of view.

Active listening is an excellent tool to use in “heated discussions.” Th e next time you get into an argument with your wife, husband, friend, or a small group of friends, just stop the discussion for a moment and, for an experiment, generate Carl Rogers’ (1995) communication rule: Each person can speak up only aft er he or she has restated the ideas and feelings of the previous speaker accurately and to that speaker’s satisfaction. Th is is the heart of active listening.

Do you see what this would mean? It would simply mean that before pre- senting your point of view, it would be necessary for you to achieve the other speaker’s frame of reference—to understand his or her feelings so well that you could summarize them for him or her. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? If you try it, however, you will discover that it is one of the most diffi cult things you have ever tried to do. Nevertheless, once you have been able to see the other person’s point of view, your own comments will have to be drastically revised. You will also fi nd that with this type of listening and response, there is an attitude of open, two-way communication.

Which Style of Responding Do You Use?

Of the styles of responding we have discussed in this chapter, how oft en do people use each response? Carl Rogers (1995), a noted psychologist, con- ducted a series of studies on how individuals communicate with each other in face-to-face situations. (You will note that Rogers studied fi ve styles, whereas we included six in our discussion. Th at is because Rogers considered the advis- ing response style to be closely related to the evaluative or judging style.) He found that the categories of evaluative or judging, interpretative, supportive, questioning, and understanding statements encompass 80 percent of all the messages sent between individuals. Th e other 20 percent of the statements are incidental and of no real importance. From his observations of individu- als in all sorts of diff erent settings—business, home, people at parties and conventions, and so on—he found that the responses were used by indi- viduals in the following frequency: 1) evaluative or judging was most used, 2) interpretative was next, 3) supportive was the third most common response, 4) questioning the fourth, and 5) understanding was the least-used style in human communication. Finally, he found that if a person uses one category of response as much as 40 percent of the time, then other people see him as always responding that way.

Although we would classify this last statement as a process of oversim- plifi cation, the question to ask yourself is, What style of responding to others do I use most oft en? Obviously, depending on various situations, you use all of the styles as you constantly interact with others. It would be benefi cial to pay careful attention and become aware of how you respond to others. Th en, you be the judge: are you pleased with the way you respond to others?

N ext to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affi rmed, to be validated, to be appreciated.

STEPHEN COVEY

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230 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

Person-to-Person Communication

How do we integrate all that we have discussed in this chapter to improve our communication with those with whom we live and work? In the late 1950s, psychologist Carl Rogers (1957) hypothesized that there were three qualities essential to constructive communication: genuineness, acceptance and respect of others, and empathy. Since then, numerous research stud- ies have been conducted which support Rogers’s theory. Summarizing empirical data, Bolton (1986) reports the outcomes in several diff erent types of relationships where high levels of these key attitudes are demon- strated (review Consider this below). Let us look at each of these qualities in more detail.

GENUINENESS. Th is means being honest and open about one’s feelings, needs, and ideas. Genuineness means being what one really is without front or facade. Th e authentic person experiences feelings and is able to express those feelings when appropriate. A genuine person can spontaneously be himself with another so they know him as he truly is: “What you see is what you get.” Being a genuine person involves the search and constant improvement directed toward self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-expression. Robert Bolton (1986), a human performance and communication skills consultant in New York, summarizes genuineness in this way:

Genuineness is essential to all vital relationships. To the degree that I lack authenticity, I am unable to relate signifi cantly to any other person. I must dare to be me to be able to relate to you.

ACCEPTANCE AND RESPECT OF OTHERS. Th is refers to the decision to off er an atmosphere largely uncontaminated by evaluations of the other’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. In a way, it can even be described as attitude of

Consider this . . .Consider this . . .

Improved Communication in Relationships

Researchers and theorists in the behavioral sciences have identifi ed the following improvements in relationships when the qualities of genuineness, acceptance and respect of others, and empathy are practiced (Bolton 1986):

Teachers who model these qualities foster greater student achievement than teachers who are defi cient in them.

Physicians and nurses can facilitate a patient’s return to health through the expression of these characteristics as well as by their surgical and pharmaceutical techniques.

Managers with these attitudes elicit greater motivation and less resistance from their employees.

Salespersons with these qualities tend to have customers who are more satisfi ed, and this is refl ected positively in sales volume.

Therapists who demonstrate these qualities have constructive relationships with clients. Fulfi lling marriages and constructive parent-child relationships result from the expression of

these characteristics.

T o be persuasive, we must be believable; to be believable, we must be credible; to be credible, we must be truthful.

EDWARD MURROW

W hen we put ourselves in the other person’s place, we’re less likely to want to put him in his place.

FARMER’S DIGEST

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 231

neutrality toward another person or persons. It also means that we respect the other person’s capacity and right to self-direction, rather than believing that his or her life would be best guided by us. Acceptance is not synonymous with approval. You can accept another person’s feelings and still not approve of his behaviors. It is even possible to be accepting and confrontive at the same time. Karl Menninger (1995) speaks of this quality in the following way:

I believe this quality is demonstrated by a person’s patience, fairness, consistency, rationality, and kindliness for the other person—accepting the other person as he or she is.

EMPATHY. You will recall when we were discussing the tremendous benefi ts of the understanding response style, we referred to specifi c methods that fos- ter empathetic listening. You may also recall that in chapter four we referred to empathy as one of the key qualities of emotional intelligence. In fact, Carl Rogers (1995) indicates that empathy is the most eff ective agent we know for fostering personal growth and improving a person’s relationships and com- munications with others. What then, is this quality, empathy?

Empathy refers to the ability to understand how another person feels and how he or she perceives the situation. To see things from the other person’s point of view, Sam Horn (1997), author of the communication book, Tongue Fu! How to Defl ect, Disarm and Defuse Any Verbal Confl ict , recommends using the Empathy Phrase:

How would I feel? How would I feel if I were in their shoes? How would I feel if this were happening to me?

It is important to note that empathy is not sympathy (Ciaramicoli 2001). Sympathy is an involuntary feeling—the passive experience of sharing another person’s fear, grief, anger, or joy. Empathy is an active process in which you try to learn all you can about another person rather than having only a superfi cial awareness. Milton Mayeroff (1990) describes what it means to learn all you can about another person :

To care for another person, I must be able to understand him and his world as if I were inside it. I must be able to see, as it were, with his eyes what his world is like to him and how he sees himself. Instead of merely looking at him in a detached way from outside, as if he were a specimen, I must be able to be with him in his world, “going” into his world in order to sense from “inside” what life is like for him, what he is striving to be, and what he requires to grow.

As we have discussed, genuineness, acceptance and respect of others, and empathy are actually attitudes that foster improved relationships with people. Th e dictionary defi nes an attitude as a “mental or emotional orientation to some object.” When these three attitudes are missing, a person’s relationships are diminished. When these attitudes are present, the relationships can fl ourish. However, they have little or no eff ect on a relationship until they are communicated to the other party. Since these three attitudes are strengthened and nourished every time they are expressed, the question you might want to ask yourself now is: When do I plan to start practicing the art and skills of genuineness, acceptance and respect of others, and empathy?

W e must practice the skill of listening instead of speaking, of acknowledging and celebrating difference instead of recoiling from it, of putting ourselves, as squarely as we can, into the experience of others.

ANDRE CAROTHERS

F ive Phrases to Live By: “Thank you”

“I love you.” “How are you?” “What do you need?” “I’m sorry.”

RABBI RIEMER

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232 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

Chapter Review

We all share the common problem of trying to combat communication breakdowns. When we stop to think of how many ways we can misunderstand each other, it seems a wonder that any eff ective com- munication can take place.

■ Communication is the process of conveying feelings, attitudes, facts, beliefs, and ideas between individuals, either verbally or nonverbally. Communication is eff ective when the message we intend to convey is the message that is actually received.

■ In any given situation, there are three commonly-accepted parts to the communication process. Th ere is always 1) a sender of the message, 2) a receiver of the message, and 3) the content of the message. Th ere are several elements involved in a communication transaction: the idea, encoding, transmission, receiving, decoding, understanding, and feedback.

■ Feedback is really the only means for determining whether there is mutual understanding between the sender and receiver. Feedback completes the process of two-way communication. In one-way communication, there is an absence of active verbal feedback.

■ A large percent of our communication is by nonverbal means. Th is can include facial expressions and eye contact, vocal cues, gestures and other body movements, touching, personal space and distance, physical environment and territory, clothing and personal appearance, and silence.

■ Nonverbal communication can relate to verbal communication in three ways: Nonverbal communica- tion can reinforce, replace, and contradict the verbal message. When the nonverbal message contra- dicts the verbal message, the nonverbal message is generally more accurate.

■ Th e meanings of various kinds of nonverbal communication can vary from culture to culture. Communication can be enhanced when these meanings are understood.

■ We share, give, and receive information through words and establish, continue, or terminate relation- ships through words—verbal communication. Th e meaning and understanding behind words are the essences of communication.

■ Th ere are several barriers or ways that meanings can go astray: semantics, assumptions, self-concept, and emotion-packed phrases.

■ Men and women oft en use diff erent styles in communication. Th at is, males are likely to speak and hear a language of “status and independence” while females are likely to speak and hear a language of “connection and intimacy.”

■ Listening is a form of paying attention, which is an active process involving much more than hearing and seeing. When another person speaks, we are usually listening at one of four levels: ignoring, pretending, selective listening, attentive listening. Very few of us listen with the intent to understand— empathetic listening. Some of the barriers to listening include: internal psychological fi lter, hidden agenda, preoccupation, and lack of interest. Noise can occur while sending and receiving a message.

■ Th ere are at least six common styles of responding to others:

1. evaluating or judging, 2. advising, 3. interpreting, 4. supporting, 5. questioning, and 6. understanding.

■ Th e most common form of responding to others is evaluating or judging, and the least used style in human communication is the understanding style.

■ Criticizing is oft en a part of the evaluating or judging response. It is extremely important to remember to give and receive criticism intellectually, rather than emotionally.

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Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication 233

■ Th e understanding style requires the specifi c skills of active listening, sometimes called empathetic listening—seeing the expressed idea, attitude, or problem from the other person’s point of view. Th e requirements of active listening or empathetic listening are to develop a posture of involvement, make use of door openers, keep the other person talking with “minimal encourages,” and respond refl ectively.

■ Researchers and theorists in the behavioral sciences have identifi ed three qualities or attitudes, when communicated to others, that foster improved relationships with people. Th ese qualities are genuineness, acceptance and respect of others, and empathy.

We need to become aware of the conditions that are interfering with the communication process and make an attempt to modify our behavior in such a way that real meaning and understanding are communicated. Th is can lead to establishing and maintaining more satisfying relationships with others, which is the basic goal of communication.

Test Review Questions: Learning Outcomes

1. Defi ne communication. Why do we need to communicate? 2. What are the three commonly-accepted parts to the communication process? What is involved in a

communication transaction? 3. Defi ne feedback and why is it so important. Describe the diff erence in feedback in one-way and

two-way communication. 4. What are the three ways nonverbal communication relates to verbal communication? When the

nonverbal message contradicts the verbal message, which message is usually more accurate? 5. What are at least fi ve diff erent types of nonverbal communication? Which form of nonverbal

communication communicates more emotional meaning more accurately? Defi ne paralinguistics and give at least two examples in sentence form. Defi ne the four distances Edward T. Hall discovered in his research.

6. Give at least fi ve examples of cultural diff erences in nonverbal communication. 7. Explain at least four barriers or ways that meanings can go astray in verbal communication. 8. What are some examples of emotion-packed phrases? What is the key to remember in dealing with

these phrases? 9. What are at least four helpful hints to remember in writing e-mails? 10. Compare and contrast at least six diff erences in the communication styles of men and women. 11. What is the diff erence in listening and hearing? List and discuss the fi ve diff erent levels of listening

we may employ when another person speaks. 12. What are the barriers to listening? What is the diff erence in external and internal noise? 13. Give at least four techniques for improving nonverbal communication, verbal communication, and

listening skills. 14. Defi ne and give examples of the six common styles of responding to others. What is the most-used

responding style in human communication? What is the least-used responding style in human communication?

15. What are the suggestions to remember when giving and receiving criticism? 16. Give examples of the four requirements for active listening or empathetic listening. 17. What are the three qualities or attitudes, when communicated to others, that improve relationships

with people? Give at least fi ve specifi c examples of how relationships improve when these qualities are practiced.

18. Explain the empathy phrase.

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234 Chapter 5 Interpersonal Communication

Key Terms

Active Listening Advising Response Assume (Assumptions) Attentive Listening Closed Questions Communication Communication Barriers Communication Channels Communication Process Decoding Door Openers Double Bind Emotion-packed Phrases Empathetic Listening Empathy Encoding External Noise Feedback Genuineness Hearing

Hidden Agenda Ignoring while Listening Internal Noise Internal Psychological Filter Interpretative Response Intimate Distance Judging Response Kinesics Listening Listening with the Th ird Ear Minimal Encourages Nonverbal Communication One-way Communication Open Questions Paralinguistics Paraphrase Parroting Parts of a Communication

Transaction Passive Listening

Personal Distance Pretending while Listening Public Distance Questioning Response Reacting to Others Responding Refl ectively Responding to Others Selective Listening Semantics Social Distance Supportive Response Symbols in Communication Sympathy Two-way Communication Understanding Response Verbal Communication “You” Messages

Refl ections

1. Discuss the causes for communication breakdown. In your opinion, what presents the biggest problem?

2. Many times nonverbal messages are more honest and revealing than what is verbally expressed. Why? Give examples of nonverbal communication to support your answer.

3. Discuss some examples of semantics in your fi eld of work—occupational jargon. 4. Is it possible to give constructive criticism without causing the other person to become

defensive? How? 5. Of the techniques discussed for improving listening skills, which technique will be most diffi cult

for you to use? 6. Of the six common styles of responding to others, which style of responding is the most diffi cult

for you to use? Why? 7. Discuss any examples of cultural diff erences you have experienced in verbal or nonverbal

communication. 8. Is it possible that the diff erences in communication styles of men and women, as discussed in this

chapter, have more to do with basic personality styles, rather than gender? 9. What are the key qualities in the communication skills of others that impress you the most?

Web Resources

http://nonverbal.ucsc.edu/ This Web site gives you a chance to learn more about nonverbal communication. You can even test your own ability to “read” samples of real nonverbal communication.

http://www.rwc.uc.edu/jones/process.htm General information on the process of communication.

http://www.coping.org/dialogue/listen.htm Information on improving listening skills.

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Name Date

Personal Communication Concerns Purpose: To review individual communication concerns and problems.

Instructions: Following is a list of 15 problems many individuals have as they try to communicate effectively. Read the list and rank your top fi ve individual concerns from 1 to 5, with 1 being your top choice.

______ A. I often speak before I really think.

______ B. I usually speak rather than really listen to others.

______ C. I feel that I am shy.

______ D. I let others do most of the talking.

______ E. I would rather communicate in writing rather than speaking face-to-face.

______ F. People tell me that I speak too fast.

______ G. I often misunderstand what people say to me.

______ H. People often misinterpret what I say.

______ I. When talking, I gesture more than others.

______ J. I often interrupt others while they are talking.

______ K. I feel uncomfortable looking into someone’s eyes when talking.

______ L. When meeting others, I tend to get very nervous.

______ M. I have trouble when speaking to people in authority positions.

______ N. I feel that others lose interest in what I am saying.

______ O. I often fi nd myself playing games with others instead of expressing how I really feel.

Discussion 1. List your top 5 communication concerns and share them with a small group of 4 or 5 classmates.

2. What steps can you take to begin working on these concerns?

3. What suggestions can the group give you for working on your personal concerns?

Adapted from Communication Research Associates (2005). Communicate! A Workbook for Interpersonal Communication. Dubuque, Iowa: Kendall Hunt Publishing Co.

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Name Date

How Well Do You Know Women and Men? Purpose: To see how well you understand gender differences.

Instructions: Place a check mark in either the T or F blank at the end of each statement.

1. Women’s language is more direct than men’s. T___F___

2. Men seek assistance from others more than women. T___F___

3. Women try to change others more than men. T___F___

4. Men are more jealous than women. T___F___

5. Women boast about their successes more than men. T___F___

6. Respect is a major issue in the female world. T___F___

7. Men need more “space”—private time—than women. T___F___

8. Women respond better to stress than men. T___F___

9. Men seek approval from others more than women. T___F___

10. Winning through intimidation is a male skill. T___F___

11. Women are more decisive than men. T___F___

12. Men like to give orders more than women. T___F___

13. Women are more apologetic than men. T___F___

14. Men tell more jokes and stories than women. T___F___

15. Women usually dominate public discussions. T___F___

16. Men accept words at face value more than women. T___F___

17. Women take more physical risks than men. T___F___

18. Men talk about their feelings more than women. T___F___

19. More women than men are worriers. T___F___

20. Men would rather talk about things than people. T___F___

21. Women avoid verbal confrontation more than men. T___F___

22. Men nag—repeat requests—more than women. T___F___

23. Women interrupt others more than men. T___F___

24. Men gossip about others as much as women. T___F___

25. Women want to be married more than men. T___F___

26. Men talk on the phone more than women. T___F___

27. Women are more facially animated than men. T___F___

28. Men’s postures lean toward others more often than women’s. T___F___

29. Women have about one-tenth as much testosterone as men. T___F___

30. Men talk about health matters more than women. T___F___

II. What’s Your Score? The answers are on the next page.

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Here are the answers to the test you took. Give yourself one point for each correct answer.

1. False 16. True

2. False 17. False

3. True 18. False

4. False 19. True

5. False 20. True

6. False 21. True

7. True 22. False

8. True 23. False

9. False 24. False

10. True 25. True

11. False 26. False

12. True 27. True

13. True 28. False

14. True 29. True

15. False 30. False

Excellent…………28–30 Correct

Good………………25–27 Correct

Fair………………21–24 Correct

Discussion 1. Do you think there are “true” gender differences in the way men and women communicate? If so, what are the

differences?

2. Is it possible the differences could be just more personality differences, rather than biological sex differences? Why or why not?

Excerpted from The Opposite Sides of the Bed by Chris Evatt, © 1992,1993 Chris Evatt, foreword © 1993 by John Gray with permission from Red Wheel/Weiser LLC Newburypart, MA and San Francisco, CA. www.redwheelweiser.com

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Name Date

One Way/Two Way Purpose: To demonstrate how descriptive communication can be interpreted differently by other people and also to show the superior functioning of two-way communication.

Instructions:

I. A sender is selected to give information to the class.

II. The sender is given a drawing, made up of designs of geometric fi gures. The participants are given a blank sheet of paper; they are instructed to label one side Diagram I and the other side Diagram II.

III. The sender turns his or her back to the rest of the group and tries to describe verbally how to reproduce the geometric model. This is Diagram I.

IV. Participants may neither ask questions nor give audible responses; participants may not talk or compare sketches with the other group members.

V. After 10 or 15 minutes, repeat the exercise with the sender facing his group, and giving directions for Diagram II. Participants should use the other side of their paper designated as Diagram II.

VI. Participants may ask any questions they desire. Senders may respond verbally, but no gestures, please.

VII. When Diagram II has been completed, the sender shows the participants the two diagrams, and they are to tell him or her how many fi gures they drew correctly.

NOTE: Instead of selecting one sender for the entire group, triads may be formed, with one student being the sender, one student being the receiver, and one student being the observer. The sender and receiver will place their desks or chairs back to back, with the observer nearby. The observer should record the length of time required for completing Diagram I and Diagram II. The observer will also give feedback to the sender and receiver when the diagrams are complete. For example, what contributed to the diagrams being accurate or inaccurate? Were there any unusual terms used by the sender? How long did it take to complete each diagram?

Discussion 1. What assumptions might you make about one- and two-way communications? Which takes longer? Which is

more accurate?

2. Explain which is more frustrating for the sender. For the receiver.

3. What parallels does this exercise have in your everyday life? Does this exercise tell you anything about the way you listen?

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Name Date

Personal Space (Proxemics) Purpose: To determine what your personal space is, and to explore your feelings about your personal space when it is invaded.

Instructions:

I. Working in groups of three (2 females and 1 male, or 2 males and one female), perform the following exercise. As you perform the exercise, examine your “feelings” or emotional responses.

II. Have a person of the same sex approach you from each side of the given directions. Stop the partner when the distance between you is comfortable. Measure the approximate distance.

a. Directly from the front.

b. Directly from the left.

c. Directly from the right.

d. From a 45-degree angle from the left,

e. From a 45-degree angle from the right.

f. From the rear.

You

Rear

Front

B C

D E

III. Repeat the same exercises with a person from the opposite sex.

IV. From the front position allow the person to come too close. At this distance, engage the person in conversation for at least one minute.

V. Again, take the time to examine your feelings and responses.

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Discussion 1. What differences in your body space and in your emotional responses did direction make?

2. What difference did the sex of your partner make?

3. What other factors could infl uence the size of your “body bubble”?

4. How did you feel when your personal space was invaded?

5. How did you or your partner react when your space was invaded?

6. How can differences in the size of personal space affect communication between people and cultures?

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Name Date

Empathetic Listening Purpose: To develop an understanding of the importance of active listening.

Instructions:

I. Find a partner, then move to a place where you can talk comfortably. Designate one person as A and the other B.

II. Find a subject on the list below on which you and your partner apparently disagree, or you may select a current events topic, a philosophical or moral issue, or perhaps simply a matter of personal taste.

A. Abortion H. Drug/Alcohol Abuse—How to prevent their use

B. Death Penalty I. Internet Regulation

C. Single Parenting J. Cohabitation

D. Teenage Pregnancy K. Divorce/Children

E. Homosexuality L. Prison Reform

F. Euthanasia M. Other . . .

G. Education Standards

III. A begins by making a statement of the subject. B’s job is then to paraphrase the idea back, beginning by saying something like, “What I hear you saying is . . .” It is very important that in this step B feeds back only what he/she heard A say without adding any judgment or interpretation. B’s job is simply to understand here, and doing so in no way should signify agreement or disagreement with A’s remarks.

IV. A then responds by telling B whether or not his or her response was accurate. If there was some misunderstanding, A should make the correction and B should feed back his/her new understanding of the statement. Continue this process until you are both sure that B understands A’s statement.

V. Now it is B’s turn to respond to A’s statement, and for A to help the process of understanding by correcting B.

VI. Continue this process until each partner is satisfi ed that he/she has explained himself/herself fully and has been understood by the other person.

Discussion 1. As a listener, how accurate was your fi rst understanding of the speaker’s statements?

2. How did your understanding of the speaker’s position change after you used active listening?

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3. Did you fi nd that the gap between your position and that of your partner narrowed as a result of your both using active listening?

4. How did you feel at the end of your conversation? How does this feeling compare to your usual emotional state after discussing controversial issues with others?

5. How might your life change if you used active listening at home, at work, or with friends?

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Name Date

Are You an Active Listener? Purpose: To assess your active listening skills and establish goals for improvement.

Instructions:

I. Before responding to the statements below, make a copy and have a person with whom you talk regularly answer these questions about you.

II. Select the response that best describes the frequency of your actual behavior. Place the letters A, U, F, O, or S on the line before each of the 15 statements.

Almost Always Usually Frequently Occasionally Seldom A U F O S

______ 1. I like to listen to people talk. I encourage them to talk by showing interest, by smiling and nodding, and so on.

______ 2. I pay closer attention to speakers who are more interesting or similar to me.

______ 3. I evaluate the speaker’s words and nonverbal communication ability as they talk.

______ 4. I avoid distractions; if it is too noisy, I suggest moving to a quiet spot, turning off the TV, and so on.

______ 5. When people interrupt me to talk, I put what I was doing out of sight and mind and give them my complete attention.

______ 6. When people are talking I allow them time to fi nish. I do not interrupt, anticipate what they are going to say, or jump to conclusions.

______ 7. I tune people out who do not agree with my views.

______ 8. While the other person is talking or the professor is lecturing, my mind wanders to personal topics.

______ 9. While the other person is talking, I pay close attention to the nonverbal communications to help me fully understand what the sender is trying to get across.

______ 10. I tune out and pretend I understand when the topic is diffi cult.

______ 11. When the other person is talking, I think about what I am going to say in reply.

______ 12. When I feel there is something missing or contradictory, I ask direct questions to get the person to explain the idea more fully.

______ 13. When I do not understand something, I let the sender know.

______ 14. When listening to other people, I try to put myself in their position and see things from their perspective.

______ 15. During conversations I repeat back to the sender what has been said in my own words (paraphrase) to be sure I understand correctly what has been said.

Key for Scoring: For items 1, 4, 5, 6, 9, 12, 13, 14, and 15, give yourself: 5 points for each A, 4 for each U, 3 for each F, 2 for each O, and 1 for each S statement. Place the numbers on the line to your response letter. For items, 2, 3, 7, 8, 10, and 11 the score reverses: 5 points for each S, 4 for each O, 3 for each F, 2 for each U and 1 for each A. Place these score numbers on the lines next to the response letters. Now add your total number of points. Your score should be between 15 and 75. Place your score here _________________________ and on the continuum below.

Poor Listener 15 ____ 25 ____ 35 ____ 45 ____ 55 ____ 65 ____ 75 ____ Good Listener Generally, the higher your score, the better your listening skills.

Note: To improve active listening, items 1, 4, 5, 6, 9, 12, 13, 14, and 15 should be implemented, whereas items 2, 3, 7, 8, 10, and 11 should be avoided.

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Discussion 1. Explain how you did on the items to be implemented for improved active listening.

2. Explain how you did on the items to be avoided for improved active listening.

3. How did your perception of your listening skills compare to those of the individual who rated you? Do you agree or disagree?

4. After comparing your perception of your listening skills with those of the individual who rated you, in what areas do you feel you could improve to become a more effective active listener?

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Name Date

247

Interpersonal Communication Learning Journal

Select the statement below that best defi nes your feelings about the personal value or meaning gained from this chapter and respond below the dotted line.

I learned that I . . . I was surprised that I . . .

I realized that I . . . I was pleased that I . . .

I discovered that I . . . I was displeased that I . . .

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