FOR ARISTOTLE ONLY

155

Dealing with Emotions

44

It’s unfortunate that we’re never really taught how to show emotion in ways that help our relationships. Instead, we are usually told what we should not do. However, too little emotion can make our lives seem empty and boring, while too much emotion, poorly expressed, fi lls our interpersonal lives with confl ict and grief. Within reason, some kind of balance in the expression of emotion seems to be called for.

Gerald Egan You and Me

© A

m y

M ye

rs 2

01 0,

S hu

tte rs

to ck

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 155Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 155 11/18/09 12:33:11 PM11/18/09 12:33:11 PM

156 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

Would your feelings and emotions be similar to the feelings and emotions that other people have when they are having the same experiences? How do you feel when you are in love? Can you easily verbalize the words: “I love you?” Do you verbally express your anger, or do you save your “bad” feelings and explode at a later date? Could you talk about your feelings if your best friend or someone very close to you died? How would you deal with your feelings if your spouse walked out?

We know that our emotions play an important part in making our relations with other people pleasant and joyful, or sad and painful. We also know that what we respond to emotionally is learned. For example, we learn what situa- tions or people stimulate our feelings of anger; we learn what situations produce stress or anxiety for us; we learn what kinds of situations leave us with a sense of guilt; and we learn which experiences help us to feel joyful and pleasant.

Because emotional responses and expressions are learned, we can learn how to change emotional patterns that are self-defeating or harmful to our growth towards self-actualization. We can also learn how to develop ways to become more emotionally expressive.

In our society, people oft en experience alienation or lack of ability to express emotions. And it sometimes appears that many of us have almost for- gotten how to cry or laugh or express genuine feelings for ourselves and oth- ers. Th erefore, we hope this chapter will help you become a more emotionally mature person and help you better understand the reasons behind some of your emotional reactions to certain people or situations. And we hope that you will be able to get ideas about ways you can manage emotional patterns that are giving you trouble in living with yourself and others.

What Are Emotions?

If someone asked you to explain emotions, what would you say? In all prob- ability, you would say, “Th ey are the diff erent feelings I have.” You might even give these feelings a label such as anger, love, hate, and so on. Now, suppose someone asked you to explain the term feelings. Would you be likely to say, “Th ey are the diff erent emotions I have?” And, you might even give these emotions a label, such as anger, love, or hate. Th e point is, it is quite diffi cult to separate the two; therefore, we will use the two interchangeably.

Think about this How Would You Feel in Th ese Situations?

You have just turned on the TV and the screen is fi lled with smoke from the World Trade Center attack. You are sad and afraid. No! Perhaps you are just in shock and extremely depressed.

It has fi nally happened! You have found that special person, and the two of you are discussing marriage. You are soo—in love.

Once again, your boss said some critical, unfair things to you today. You are really angry. Th e telephone rings, and you learn that one of your best friends has been killed in an accident. You are fi lled

with sadness and grief. Your spouse has just come in and told you, quite unexpectedly, that he or she wants a divorce. You are very,

very hurt. No! Maybe you’re angry.

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 156Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 156 11/18/09 12:33:13 PM11/18/09 12:33:13 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 157

Actually, Dr. Daniel Goleman (2006), author of Emotional Intelligence, defi nes emotion in this way:

“I take emotion to refer to a feeling and its distinctive thoughts, psy- chological and biological states, and range of propensities to act.” Richard Carlson (2007), in the New York Times bestseller, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff . . . and it’s all small stuff , says: Your “feelings act as a barometer, letting you know what your internal weather is like.” Th erefore, we are going to think of emotions as feelings that are experienced.

Without emotions, we would be little more than drab, colorless machines that run the same way day aft er day. We would not know the happiness of success or the pangs of disappointment. We would not experience joy from the companionship of others and would feel no grief at their loss. We would neither love nor hate. Pride, envy, and anger would be unknown to us. We would not even be able to understand the joys and sorrows of oth- ers. Roger-John and McWilliams (1994), in their book, Life 101, summarize the impact of emotions with these thoughts: “We experience life’s pains and pleasures through our emotions.”

Fortunately, we are not machines; we are humans. Th erefore, each of us, young or old, male or female, is capable of having and expressing many diff er- ent emotions. Although it is true that individuals experience and express their emotions in many diff erent ways, psychologists generally agree that emotions are very complex experiences, with at least four common characteristics: physiological or internal changes, behavioral expressions, cognitive interpre- tations, and motivational tendencies (Wood and Wood 2007). We will now look more closely at these characteristics, as well as briefl y discuss the eff ect our moods have on our emotional reactions.

Characteristics of Emotions

PHYSIOLOGICAL OR INTERNAL CHANGES. Let us assume that you are walking alone at night when suddenly a large object jumps in front of you. Would your neck muscles tighten? Would your stomach possibly feel “funny”? Would you be able to hear the sound of your heartbeat, even when you later discovered that the “large object” was just a box blowing in the wind? Would you still be breathing faster? What would be happening inside of you? How do you feel inside when you are nervous, frightened, or angry?

As the question suggests, a main characteristic of emotional states is that they involve physiological changes.

When our emotions are aroused, there are physi- ological changes over which we have no control. In strong fear and anger, you do not tell your adrenal glands to pump adrenaline into the bloodstream so that you will have extra energy. Th ese physiological changes in the nervous system are nature’s way of preparing you to react faster, harder, and for longer periods of time. In essence, your whole body is mobilized for action—you are physiologically ready to run or fi ght.

When you experience strong feelings, the internal changes in your body contribute to your feelings. For example, in grief or depression, there is a

T he feelings or emotional aspects of life lie pretty

close to the value and signifi cance of life itself.

J. B. WATSON

Why do you feel so tired when you’re depressed?

© R

on al

d S

um ne

rs 2

01 0,

S hu

tte rs

to ck

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 157Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 157 11/18/09 12:33:13 PM11/18/09 12:33:13 PM

158 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

reduction of pulse rate, breathing, and muscular strength. Consequently, you feel tired.

BEHAVIORAL EXPRESSIONS. Even though emotions are felt internally, they oft en lead to observable expressions. Th ese expressions may come in the form of a blush, trembling hands, sweating palms, or a tremor in the voice. Behav- ioral expressions can also include crying, laughing, cursing, kicking a chair, or even hitting another person. Sometimes people will deny they are feel- ing anything, even though their external and behavioral expressions indicate something else. We will discuss some suggestions for verbally expressing feel- ings later in the chapter.

COGNITIVE INTERPRETATION. While it is true that there is some connec- tion between physical behavior and emotional states, in most situations, our emotions cannot be separated from our mental lives. Cognitive appraisals are an essential part of the experience. Realistically, individuals are constantly appraising the events they experience for their personal implications: Do I care about what is happening? Is it good or bad for me? Can I do anything about it? Is this matter going to get better or worse? Can I cope? Psychologist Arnold Lazarus (2000a) believes that the cognitions involved in emotion range from your immediate perceptions of a specifi c event to your general philoso- phy of life. For example, do you see the glass as half empty or half full?

Cognitive appraisals also help explain why people diff er in the intensity of their emotions. Cognitive therapists Albert Ellis and Robert Harper (1998) believe our thoughts, beliefs, and prior experiences will color the way we view an event and, thus, profoundly infl uence our emotional reaction to that event. Two people confronted with the same situation may interpret it in a diff erent way and, therefore, respond with diff erent feelings.

Actually, we go through life describing the world to ourselves, giving each event or experience some label. We make interpretations of what we see and hear; we predict whether they will bring danger or relative safety. Sometimes, these thoughts are very powerful, and as you will discover in chapter eight, they can create most of the major stresses we experience in life.

MOTIVATIONAL TENDENCIES. Emotions themselves may function as motives, directing you toward pleasant situations and away from those that are emotionally unsatisfying, anxiety provoking, or painful. In fact, the root of the word emotion means to move , indicating the close relationship between motivation and emotion (Kagan 2009). In essence, when you are feeling a particular way, you are going to do certain things because of that feeling, in spite of that feeling, or to avoid or change that feeling. Another way of saying this would be: You do what makes you feel good, and you avoid what makes you feel bad. UCLA psychologist Gary Emery (2000) explains this further:

Pleasure motivates you to move toward something. Your pleasure feelings, for example, motivate you to move toward a certain crowd of people (“Th ey think my jokes are funny!”); you continue to interact with these people until it no longer feels good (“Th ey made fun of me because I don’t drink”).

Anxiety motivates you to run or escape from a possible loss (“I had to run for my life”).

Anger motivates you to fi ght against a perceived loss (“I had to fi ght for my life”). You yell or you attack someone to get rid of your angry feelings, even though you know your outburst will make matters worse.

T here is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so.

SHAKESPEARE, HAMLET

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 158Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 158 11/18/09 12:33:13 PM11/18/09 12:33:13 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 159

Sadness motivates you to shut down and withdraw aft er a loss. If you lose money in the stock market, your sad feelings motivates you to be much more cautious playing the market and protect the money you have left .

MOODS. Before we leave our discussion of the characteristics of emotions, we need to briefl y discuss the eff ect our moods have on how we respond emotionally. Your moods are a general feeling tone, and they have a defi - nite infl uence on your emotions. Stated another way, Gardner (2002) says, “Our mood generally informs about the general state of our being.” Even though we do not like to admit it, our moods are oft en evident to others: For example, “Don’t ask Mr. Jones for a day off —he’s really grouchy” or “Mrs. Smith is in such a good mood today, I bet we can talk her out of the test today.”

Th ink for a moment and try to recall how your moods aff ect your emotions. Are you ever grouchy for no reason at all? Do you know what puts you in a bad mood? Oft en, we do not know what event or events put us in a particular mood; hence the old saying, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Now that we have a better idea of what emotions are and how they aff ect us, we will discuss some of the emotions which cause us the most diffi culty.

Types of Emotions

At this point, you may be asking, “Just how many emotions are there?” We really do not know the answer to this question, because our emotions include many subjective factors and individual diff erences. Our language is rich with words to describe our emotions. Table 4.1 gives a partial list of some common emotions we experience.

In a way, this list only represents labels we give to our feelings. Perhaps we need to explain these labels further. One way we can do this is to identify emotions or feelings as either primary, mixed, mild, or intense.

PRIMARY AND MIXED EMOTIONS. Psychologists who study emotions have made up lists of certain basic emotions. Robert Plutchik (2002) identifi ed eight primary emotions : joy, acceptance, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger, and anticipation. Th e emotion wheel (see Figure 4.1) illustrates that these primary emotions are inside the perimeter of the circle. He suggests that these primary

Th e fully human being is aware of the vitality of his senses, emotions, mind, and will; and he is neither a stranger to, nor afraid of, the activities of his body and emotions. He is capable of the whole gamet of emotions: from grief to tenderness. What I mean, is that the fully human being experiences the fullness of his emotional life; he is in touch with, attuned to his emotions, aware of what they are saying to him about his needs and his relationships with others.

Carl Rogers On Becoming a Person

The Fully Human Being

Do you get upset by things that you can’t control?

© e

gd 2

01 0,

S hu

tte rs

to ck

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 159Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 159 11/18/09 12:33:13 PM11/18/09 12:33:13 PM

160 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

Table 4.1 Some Emotions: How Do You Feel Today? accepted envious insecure sad

afraid exhilarated intimidated sentimental

aggravated fearful isolated self-reliant

angry friendly jealous shy

annoyed frightened joyful sincere

anxious glad lazy sorry

ashamed grieving lonely supported

bitter guilt-free loved surprised

calm guilty loving tense

cautious happy optimistic terrifi ed

cheerful helpful out-of-control tired

comfortable hopeless overcontrolled trusting

confi dent hostile pessimistic uneasy

confused humiliated powerful unsure

contented hurried powerless uptight

defeated hurt puzzled vulnerable

defensive impatient regretful wanted

depressed inadequate relieved weak

embarrassed incompetent resentful worried

energetic inferior restless

feelings can combine to form other mixed emotions , some of which are listed outside the circle: love, submission, awe, disap- pointment, remorse, contempt, aggressiveness, optimism, etc.

Psychologist Gary Emery (2000), however, indicates that there are only four basic emotions: mad, sad, glad, and scared. He suggests that all the other emotions we experience are just derivatives of these basic four. For example, too much sadness becomes depression, too much gladness becomes mania, too much fear becomes panic, and too much anger becomes rage.

Although you may not agree with the specifi c primary and secondary emotions just identifi ed, you would probably agree that it is possible to experience several diff erent emotions at the same time. For example, consider the following example.

You are going to have some friends over for hamburgers. Your date is going to help you get ready for your guests and also act as a host for the evening. An hour before your date is due at your house, you get a call that he has an unexpected guest from out-of-town arriving and will be unable to join you and your friends. Your date tells you that this is just an “old friend” he used to date, and she is only going to be in town for the evening.

Now, would you just be angry? No, you would probably be hurt, jealous, and even embarrassed that you are the only one without a date. Th e point is, an emotional event can create a wide range of feelings. We generally communicate only one feeling, however, usually the most negative one. In this case, it would probably be your anger. Could your anger become a problem for you? Let’s see!

Love

Subm ission

A w

e

Di sa

pp oin

tm en

t

Remorse

Contem pt

A gg

re ss

iv en

es s

Op tim

ism

Surprise

Fea rA

cc ep

ta nc

e

Anticipation

An ger

D is

gu st

Sadness

Joy

Figure 4.1 The emotion wheel: primary and mixed emotions.

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 160Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 160 11/18/09 12:33:14 PM11/18/09 12:33:14 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 161

INTENSE AND MILD EMOTIONS. We have discussed that it is human to have and express emotions and that our emotions have a lot to do with how much pleasure and enjoyment we get out of life. Our emotions can have negative eff ects, however, and cause problems for us. For example, strong emotions such as fear, depression, anger, and hate can disrupt our functioning and abil- ity to relate to other people.

Generally, our emotions begin to have negative eff ects when they are viewed as being excessive in intensity and duration (Ellis 2001) . For exam- ple, if intense emotions linger, your ability to get enjoyment from life may be increasingly decreased. It is perfectly normal to be sad when someone close to you dies. However, if you are still depressed about this three years later, this sustained, intense emotion may be a problem for you. For example, other people may want to avoid being with you, because you are so sad and probably feeling sorry for yourself!

How about another example? Have you ever had to get up in front of a group and give a speech? How did you feel? A “little bit” of anxiety before a speech can help you prepare and do a more eff ective job in delivery. Total fear, however, will probably cause you to be unable to concentrate on preparing adequately for the speech. In some cases, intense anxiety can cause you to stammer and forget important aspects of your speech.

Now, let us answer the question concerning your date who did not show for dinner: When could your anger become a problem for you? It would be normal for you to be angry if you were left in this situation. If this anger becomes so bad that you awoke for “nights on end” and “stewed” about your anger, or even tried to harm your date and his “guest,” then your intense anger or rage would be a problem for you.

Consequently, we say that when mild, emotions can be facilitative —they assist us in preparing for the future, solving problems, and in doing what is best for us. However, intense, sustained emotions can be debilitative —they disrupt our overall functioning (Ellis 2001). For example, we may experience diffi culty in performing certain tasks, such as passing a test or giving a speech, and in solving problems—“stewing” over that date who did not show up for dinner.

What are we trying to say? Essentially, emotions can serve a purpose in one situation and in other situations may serve as a hindrance. Specifi cally, what emotions cause us the most diffi culty?

Living with Problem Emotions

Some emotions cause more diffi culties than others: fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, grief, and love are such emotions which are experienced oft en and with mixed reactions.

Fear

We all experience the emotion of fear. It can take many forms, serve many purposes, and create many diff erent responses. It is important to distinguish fear from anxiety (Ellis 2000).

A specifi c situation or object elicits fear , whereas anxiety is objectless. Th erefore, we speak of fear when we think we know what we’re afraid of and anxiety when we’re unsure.

B e careful of anger; it’s just one letter away from danger. UNKNOWN

O f all the passions, fear weakens judgment most. CARDINAL DE RETZ

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 161Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 161 11/18/09 12:33:14 PM11/18/09 12:33:14 PM

162 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

TYPES OF FEAR. You may feel the emotion of fear as a type of warning that danger is near. Th is warning may take the form of an external “cue,” or it may refl ect your learning. For example, if you walked into your house and a burglar carrying a gun met you in the hallway, you would feel frightened. Th is feeling of fear was caused by an external force. Sometimes fear reactions are learned through past associations. You might be afraid of thunderstorms

because your father had a tendency to believe that lightning could result in a tornado. Aft er all, his mother had been killed in a tornado when he was quite young.

Although most of the above examples refl ect physical dangers, we also have fears of being left out of the crowd, of being ridiculed, of being a failure, or of being rejected. For example, if you have ever been rejected in a relationship, you may be afraid of getting involved in another relationship again. Actually, this is a good example of where you are really experiencing mixed emotions. Is it fear you are feeling, or is it hurt? Could it be that you want to protect yourself from get- ting hurt again? Th is type of fear/hurt is one that takes time to work through. Aft er all, do you really want your “bad feelings” from one rela- tionship to “rob” you of the opportunity to have a healthy and satisfying relationship with someone else?

Some people have a personal fear of failure. Have you been wanting or at least considering a fi nancial, personal, or scholastic risk? What is the worst that could happen if you did experience a disappointment? Could you cope with that? Remember that even if you do fail, some good can come from it. How did you learn to walk? You did not just jump up from your crib one day and waltz gracefully across the room. You stumbled and fell on your face and got up and tried again. David Burns (1999) makes some valid points in the following thoughts:

At what age are you suddenly expected to know everything and never make any more mistakes? If you can love and respect yourself in failure, worlds of adventure and new experiences will open up before you, and your fears will vanish.

We will have more to say on the fear of failure and learning to take risks in chapter ten.

How do you handle your fears? Because fear and anxiety are closely related, below are some suggestions for dealing with these emotions. First of all, let us get a clearer picture of the sometimes troublesome emotion of anxiety.

T he fear of disapproval is a strong one, and it takes the

courage of principles to act in the face of it.

MARTIN GRODER

How To Face Your Fears and Anxieties 1. Admit your fears. It is one thing to mask your anxieties with physical and creative activities;

but if these activities become avoidance techniques, anxiety eventually increases.

2. Take risks. Fear does not go away unless you take chances to make your dreams come true. You will gain new strength and improved self-esteem with each accomplishment.

How do you feel when you have to speak in front of a group?

© D

m itr

iy S

hi ro

no so

v 20

10 , S

hu tte

rs to

ck

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 162Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 162 11/18/09 12:33:14 PM11/18/09 12:33:14 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 163

I believe that courage is all too often mistakenly seen as

the absence of fear. If you descend by rope from a cliff and are not fearful to some degree, you are either crazy or unaware. Courage is seeing your fear in a realistic perspective, defi ning it, considering the alternatives and choosing to function in spite of risk.

LEONARD ZUNIN

Anxiety

As we mentioned earlier, when the basis for our fear is not understood, we are experiencing anxiety. Actually, anxiety is an unpleasant, threatening feeling that something bad is about to happen. Rollo May (1973) in his book, Man’s Search for Himself, states:

Anxiety is the feeling of “gnawing” within, of being “trapped and overwhelmed.” Anxiety may take all forms and intensities, for it is the human being’s reaction to a danger to his existence, or to some value he identifi es with existence. . . . It is the quality of an experience which makes it anxiety rather than the quantity.

TYPES OF ANXIETY. Many times the basis of our anxiety is so vague it is very diffi cult to explain what we are really feeling. As Rollo May suggests above, anx- iety may occur in slight or great intensity. It may be mild tension before going for an important job interview; or it may be mild apprehension before taking an examination in your educational endeavors. Th ese are common examples of preparation anxiety , which help us get energized to deliver our best.

Th e emotional tension that we commonly refer to as anxiety also func- tions as a signal of potential danger. For example, “I better study for that test, or I will fl unk!” However, when the quality of the threatening experience is blown way out of proportion to the actual danger posed, and to the point that our anxiety hinders daily functioning, it becomes “neurotic” anxiety . A common example of this is when a student loses his “cool” over a test: “I can’t do it—I just know I am going to fl unk” and goes totally blank. Is this normal anxiety or neurotic anxiety?

Worry is also a form of anxiety (Leahy 2005). For example, it is normal for people to worry about future events they are going to be involved in and whose outcome they are uncertain about. However, some people worry and lose sleep, lose sleep and worry even more, over “things” that never happen. Does this ever happen to you? In recent years, researchers have learned that there is a genetic component to anxiety; some people seem to be born worriers (Gorman 2002).

Th e diff erence in normal and “neurotic anxiety” may be in one’s ability to handle or cope with the anxiety-producing situation. Just ask yourself, “Am I in control of this situation, or is the anxiety controlling how I react to this situation?”

Th e fears that resulted from the attacks on the World Trade Center have been minimal for some individuals, and for others the anxiety has led to extreme overreactions. In the wake of the most horrendous attacks in

3. Acknowledge the positive. Anxious people tend to overlook their own strengths. When you are scared, make a conscious effort to remember some past positive experiences instead of focusing on your failures.

4. Avoid catastrophic thinking. Ask yourself what the worst possible outcome of the situation could be. Having faced the worst possibility makes it easier to deal with what does come.

5. Stay in the present. Much anxiety is the result of projecting yourself into future situations. Stay focused in the present—here and now—because that is all you can control anyway.

6. Have patience. If you are overwhelmed at the thought of confronting an anxiety triggering situation, take it one step at a time. Do not get in a hurry.

W orry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.

CORRIE TEN BOOM

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 163Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 163 11/18/09 12:33:15 PM11/18/09 12:33:15 PM

164 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

American history, it is healthy to feel some fear. Dr. Brad Schmidt (2002), of Ohio State University and an expert on fear, reminds us, “Just don’t allow that fear to defeat you.”

Anger

Anger is a signal that tells us that we do not like what is going on. Anger refers to a feeling of extreme displeasure, usually brought about by interference with our needs or desires. Ultimately, your anger is caused by your belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust. Th e intensity of the anger will increase in proportion to the severity of the maliciousness perceived and if the act is seen as intentional (Larsen 1992).

Th erefore, anger can range from mild to very strong. Carol Tavris (1989) has identifi ed several forms of anger:

Hate may be thought of as intense anger felt toward a specifi c person or persons.

Annoyance is used to describe a mild form of anger. Rage describes intense anger and implies that the anger is expressed

through violent physical activity. Hostility is a mild form of anger/hate directed to a specifi c person or

group; oft en it is unintentionally conveyed to others either verbally or nonverbally.

Resentment is chronic anger that may be entirely subjective. It is a com- bination of the emotions and actions and thought patterns resulting from our unresolved anger at an injustice. Resentment comes from anger just as smoke comes from fi re.

Anger does not go away if we ignore it, deny it exists, or fail to resolve it. Instead, it goes “underground” where it makes “sneak attacks” on our health and interpersonal relationships. Buried anger can also surface the next time an emotional crisis comes along, intensifying the impact of that crisis on us.

N ever answer an angry word with an angry word. It is the second one that makes the quarrel.

W. A. NANCE

How To Control Your Anger

ANGER DO’S AND DON’TS

Do speak up when an issue is important to you. Don’t strike while the iron is hot.

Do take time out to think about the problem and clarify your position.

Don’t use “below-the-belt” tactics.

Do speak in “I” language. Don’t make vague requests.

Do try to appreciate the fact that people are different.

Don’t tell another person what she or he thinks or feels or “should” think or feel.

Do recognize that each person is responsible for his or her own behavior.

Don’t participate in intellectual arguments that go nowhere.

Do try to avoid speaking through a third party. Don’t expect change to come about from hit-and-run confrontations.

Lerner 2005.

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 164Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 164 11/18/09 12:33:15 PM11/18/09 12:33:15 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 165

Anger most oft en begins with a loss or the threat of a loss, such as (Lerner 1997):

Loss of self-esteem. We get angry when we think we have failed or “let ourselves” down.

Loss of face. Public exposure of one’s failures or inadequacies can be both humiliating and infuriating.

Th reat of physical harm or violence. Anger helps activate our instinct for self-preservation.

Loss of valued possessions, skills, or abilities. Regardless of who is to blame, losing something we are proud of can cause both hurt and anger.

Loss of a valued role. If we lose a part of our life, such as a job, that is important to our identity, we may feel angry at having the role removed.

Loss of valued relationships. Anger is oft en a response to the loss of an important relationship.

Now stop and think for a moment about the times you have experienced genuine anger. Do you agree that your anger began with some loss or even the threat of a loss you incurred? Which type of loss just described were you dealing with?

From these losses then, there are four psychological reactions to anger. Th ey are:

1. seeing yourself as a victim, 2. feeling discounted or ignored, 3. feeling powerless, 4. looking for justice and revenge.

In dealing with these psychological reactions to anger, it is important to remember three characteristics of anger.

Anger is neither right nor wrong. Everybody gets angry. Haim Ginott (2003) confi rms this but provides some limits, too:

You have the right to get angry, but you do not have the right to attack other people or their character traits.

Anger can be released in a right or wrong way. It is important to remem- ber that anger released in inappropriate ways destroys relationships. Th is most oft en occurs when we displace our anger toward important people onto other relationships. In this way, anger at a boss gets defl ected onto our spouse; anger at a spouse onto our child, and so on. Because we trust them to accept us as we are, we oft en unconsciously choose our strongest relationships as a “dumping ground” for our anger (Simon 2005).

You are vulnerable when angry. You may say or act in ways that are totally uncharacteristic of you. Sometimes anger causes more anger. Uncontrolled anger leads to bitterness, hatred, and even violence. If your local newspa- per carries a brief synopsis of the daily police reports, we encourage you to take notice of the assaults and even murders that occur because people are angry and lose control of their emotions. Sometimes people even strike out at others with aggressive behavior.

AGGRESSION. Aggression is any behavior that is intended to hurt someone, either verbally or physically (Weiten 2009). Curses and insults are much more common than shootings or fi stfi ghts, but aggresson of any kind can be a real problem. Why do people behave in such fashion? Some psychologists

D o not permit the body to act out your desire to attack. HUGH PRATHER

I f you are patient in one moment of anger, you will

escape a hundred days of sorrow.

CHINESE PROVERB

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 165Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 165 11/18/09 12:33:15 PM11/18/09 12:33:15 PM

166 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

believe that aggression is largely learned in humans. Albert Bandura (2008), a proponent of social learning theory, indicates that aggressive models in the subculture, the family, and the media all play a part in increasing the level of aggression in our society. In fact, the glorifi cation or revenge in real life and in the entertainment industry are infl uences that cannot be denied (Begley 1999).

EXPRESSING ANGER. Th e question now might be: How do I express my anger? Carol Tavris (1989) suggests that we have been told if we ventilate our anger, we will experience the following:

improved communication and closeness with the target of our anger, have physiological relief and catharsis,

solve problems instead of brooding about them, and we will just feel better because we got “rid” of the anger.

Tavris goes on further to say that sometimes we get the benefi ts of this list, but most frequently, we get exactly the opposite:

decreased communication and feelings of closeness with the target of our anger,

physiological arousal and even higher blood pressure, the problem becomes worse, and

we frequently just rehearse the anger and get angrier.

Th e question then is, how can I ensure the benefi ts and avoid the “exact opposites?” Psychologist Harriet Lerner (1997) feels that the expression of anger provides maximum results when the Do’s and Don’ts on page 164 are followed. Also, you will fi nd the discussion dealing with resolving interper- sonal confl ict through the use of “I” messages in chapter seven helpful in deal- ing with your anger.

Anger is a very powerful emotion and one that requires a balance between spontaneous expression and rational control. It is helpful to remember that when you are angry at someone, you are the one with the problem; therefore, you must be the one to correct the problem.

How about learning to shift your anger from an emotional level to an intellectual level? Redford Williams, director of the Behavioral Medicine Research Center at Duke University Medical Center in Durham, North Carolina, suggests asking yourself four questions whenever you feel angry: 1) Is this important? 2) Is my anger appropriate? 3) Is the situation modifi - able? and 4) Is it worth taking action? Such evaluation helps convert your anger into rational thought. Th e anger is then under your control. Williams further suggests that if the answers to those questions are all “yes,” decide what result you want, make a plan, and follow it. Even one “no” means you need to change your angry reaction and move on (Foltz-Gray 2002).

Guilt

Another powerful emotion that can rule our lives is that of guilt. David Burns (1999) indicates that guilt is anger directed at ourselves—at what we did or did not do. We feel a sense of guilt when we have violated our conscience, our internalized standards of good and bad (Duff y and Atwater 2008). Guilt , in its simplest form, is the realization of sorrow over having done something morally, socially, or ethically wrong. Experts in human behavior report that

A clear understanding of the signifi cance of our misdeeds is emotionally healthier than hopeless misery afterward.

DR. THEODORE REIK

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 166Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 166 11/18/09 12:33:15 PM11/18/09 12:33:15 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 167

unjustifi ed, excessive guilt can sour our enjoyment of living, disrupt our social and business lives, worry, dishearten, and even humiliate us. It can cause fears and anxieties and even torment a person to the point of suicide. As you can see, tragedy and much human suff ering have been triggered by needless feelings of guilt.

Without question, guilt can literally paralyze us, making us totally unable to function as human beings. Is guilt all bad, however? Sidney Jourard has an answer for us (Richards and Schumrum 1999):

Guilt itself is a desirable human emotion in the sense that it enables us to recognize what we have done wrong, when we have violated our own consciences and the mores of our society. Most of us have been brought up to believe that all guilt is harmful, unnecessary, and should be eradi- cated. Th at’s as wrong as saying all germs are bad. If we never felt guilt, we would not learn in school, do our jobs properly, obey traffi c rules, feed and clothe our children, work for our families, have good relationships with loved ones, or live in harmony within our communities or with one another. In short, guilt is our society’s regulator.

G uilt is feeling bad for what you have done or not done, while shame is feeling bad for who you are, measured against some standard of perfection or acceptability.

HAROLD KUSHNER

How To Deal with Guilt Examine why you feel guilty. Take a long inward look, seeking the reason for your feelings. It is important to remember that powerful guilt feelings are sometimes pushed far beneath the layers of our conscious thinking. In such cases, professional help may be needed to help bring them to the surface. The point is to fi nd out exactly why you feel guilty.

Determine whether you really need to feel guilty. Reappraise all the rules that have been set down for you during your lifetime. Take a whole new look at the principles, not created by yourself, but prescribed by parents, friends, society, and others. Are these principles realistic and valid for you at your stage of life and relevant in the society in which you now live and work?

Do what is right for you. Make decisions that sound “good” to you. No one can tell you how you should live your life. You must make your own decisions about what is right and what is wrong. Do not live your life by listening to what other people say you should or should not do. Obviously, you will have to accept the consequences of your choices, but be your own person.

Forgive yourself . Learn to accept the fact that perfection is an unattainable ideal. Mistakes happen. If you have done something morally or ethically wrong, accept it and forget it. Apologize if you can or correct the misdeed in whatever way is proper. Say nothing if you will hurt someone else grievously, recognizing that “telling all” is actually asking for punishment to ease your sense of guilt. It is possible to feel sorry about something without feeling guilty. The point is that you will need to tell yourself and also internalize that you have done something wrong, that it was wrong, and that it is now behind you.

Nobody is born with a conscience. It does not come as standard equip- ment, like the survival instinct or sex drive. Sigmund Freud (1936) states: “Babies are ‘notoriously amoral’ . . . they have no inhibitions against their pleasure-seeking impulses.”

I t hurts to lose something important. It hurts worse to

pretend otherwise. To expect more than reality can offer only sets you up to hurt badly and needlessly.

DAVID VISCOTT

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 167Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 167 11/18/09 12:33:15 PM11/18/09 12:33:15 PM

168 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

Grief and Bereavement

Coping with losing a loved one is one of life’s more diffi cult, yet inevitable tasks. Grief and bereavement , sometimes even referred to as mourning, can be defi ned as “to be deprived.” Th e grief process consists of 1) freeing ourselves emotionally from the loss, 2) readjusting to life without this loss, 3) resuming ordinary activities and forming new relationships (Dickenson and Leming 2007).

Grief has long been broken down into stages. One cycle made famous by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. (1997) uses stages of denial, anger, bargain- ing, depression, and acceptance. However, researchers have shown that stages don’t always apply. Camille Wortman, Ph.D. and Roxane Cohen Silver, Ph.D. have found that there are individual patterns of grieving. For example, some people suff er profound grief, some interminable grief, and others show no distress at all. Furthermore, while some people recover in a year, some indi- viduals fi nd the second year to be much worse, and others have diffi culty for several years. It all depends on the individual, the relationship of the loss, and the circumstances surrounding the loss (Greenberg 2003). Th ere is no correct way to grieve (Freeman 2005). It is interesting to note that some individuals even use a deceased person’s MySpace page to express their grief, and con- nect with the person they lost.

DEALING WITH THE LOSS. While there are individual diff erences in how peo- ple grieve, some common reactions might be sense of shock and disbelief, especially when death occurs unexpectedly. When we’ve been anticipating a person’s death, the initial response may be subdued, accompanied by a sense of relief. In general, there are oft en memories of the deceased, and feelings of expected sadness to various degrees of depression are very, very common. Negative emotions, such as anger and guilt, may even surface, particularly if the loss was due to suicide. For example, we may even ask: Why did that person abandon me? What could I have done diff erently? Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the loss, we may have feelings of guilt over things we said, did, or feel we should have done while the person was still alive. It is not even uncommon to have “survivor’s guilt,” that is, feeling guilty simply because we are still alive and the other person is not.

W e cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, refl ective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

JUDITH VIORST

T he only path away from suffering is to embrace the

suffering.

M. SCOTT PECK

It is important to emphasize that we never get over the loss of someone to whom we feel especially close. We just learn to adjust to the loss. We get used to the loss, and we “reinvest” in a new reality. Grief-work , the process

How To Assist a Grieving Friend Don’t force your method of grieving: Respect what the person wants.

Avoid minimizing the loss: Never tell the person to “get over it.” Be patient.

Be a better listener: Be aware of your feelings; and know you can’t solve the problem.

Be with the mourner: Communicate—“I’m here for you.”

Greenberg 2003 .

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 168Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 168 11/18/09 12:33:15 PM11/18/09 12:33:15 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 169

W hatever things make your life most meaningful, plan to do them before it’s too late. The greatest lesson we may learn from the dying is simply LIVE, so you do not have to look back and say, “God, how I wasted my life.”

ELISABETH KÜBLER-ROSS

of freeing ourselves emotionally from the deceased and readjusting to life without that person, takes time. You will need a strong support system of family and friends to aide you in your progress. (Some of the suggestions above may be helpful in assisting a grieving friend.) People who are fortunate to work through their grief may eventually fi nd it becomes a positive growth experience—sometimes called good grief (Welshons and Dyer 2003).

Granger Westburg (2004), author of Good Grief, explains the results of good grief as the following:

1. We come out of a grief experience at a slightly higher level of maturity than before.

2. We come out of grief as deeper persons, because we have been down in the depths of despair and we know what it’s like.

3. We come out of it stronger, for we have had to learn how to use our spiritual muscles to climb the rugged mountain trails.

4. We come out of it better able to help others. We have walked through the valley of the shadow of grief. We can understand.

Love

Countless volumes have been written about the subject love. Yet, do we really understand the true meaning of love? You will have the opportunity to explore love as it relates to more intimate relationships in chapter six. Th erefore, our discussion in this chapter will be limited to the learned attitudes that interfere with our ability to give and receive love, as well as the use and misuse of love.

LEARNED ATTITUDES. Certainly, our ideas about love are shaped by childhood experiences. If your parents hug you and tell you how great you are, hugs and praises become a part of your vocabulary of love. If they slap you and tell you you are stupid, however, you may conclude that in some odd way, abuse is part of a loving relationship. Why would you do this? From a child’s perspective: “Th ese people are my parents; parents love their children; therefore, the way my parents love me is loving behavior.”

We also grow up assuming that others will fi nd the same things lov- able that our parents did. For example, if we are lucky, our parents love us unconditionally and continue to love us even when they do not love our behavior or when we disagree with them. Consequently, we grew up believing that we deserved to be loved just because we are who we are.

If, however, our parents loved us only when we were compliant and undemanding, we may have mistakenly learned that compliance was loving behavior. Th erefore, we assume that we should not make demands on those we love. In essence, our parents’ loving us only when we pleased them taught us that we must always be pleasing or risk losing love.

USE AND MISUSE OF LOVE. Th ere are also problems we encounter through the misuse of the emotion, love. Because love is such a powerful and yet com- plicated emotion, we may even have a tendency to “smother” other people because we “love” them. Do we love them in the appropriate manner?

Psychiatrist Dr. Foster Cline (2002) makes an interesting comment about the misuse of love: “Love becomes a problem when it gets in the way of our allowing individuals the right to experience the consequences of their choices.” For example, what about the countless hours spent in enabling a

© C

hr is

to ph

er F

ut ch

er 2

01 0,

S hu

tte rs

to ck

Our ideas about love are shaped by childhood experiences.

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 169Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 169 11/18/09 12:33:15 PM11/18/09 12:33:15 PM

170 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

child or spouse who has a drug or alcohol problem? Why do we fi nd it diffi cult for those we love to suff er the consequences of their choices? Th e answer is simple: We love them, and we do not like to see those we love suff er—we want to spare them their pain.

Remember, to let go is not to care for, but to care about.

Th e reality is that love can mean letting go of the responsibility we sometimes impose on ourselves to “take care” of those we love. It is in the best interest of those we love to let them assume the responsibility for mak- ing their choices and the consequences of those choices. When we jump in and smother them, we take away their choices and their freedom to be

T o be loved because of one’s merit, because one deserves it, always leaves doubt; maybe I did not please the person whom I want to love me, maybe this or that—there is always a fear that love could disappear. Furthermore, “deserved” love easily leaves a bitter feeling that one is not loved for oneself, that one is loved only because one pleases, that one is, in the last analysis, not loved but used.

ERICH FROMM

Letting Go To let go does not mean to stop caring, It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off, It’s the realization I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable, But to allow learning from natural consequence.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, Which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another, It’s to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for, But to care about.

To let go is not to fi x, But to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, But to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, But to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to be protective, It’s to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, But to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, But instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, But to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, But to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, But grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

Author unknown

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 170Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 170 11/18/09 12:33:16 PM11/18/09 12:33:16 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 171

self-suffi cient human beings. In essence, we have done them a major injustice, quite the opposite of what we really believe we are doing. Th is is extremely diffi cult for people to accept, and it takes a great deal of time to work through this emotional understanding of the true meaning of love.

Another misuse of love is when we fi nd ourselves or others using love as a control agent—“If you loved me, you would do this . . ., or you wouldn’t do this.” Do we really understand what we are saying? Th is is obviously a strong form of manipulation and can totally destroy whatever love and caring there may be in a relationship.

Although there are many defi nitions of love, in the fi nal analysis, love may truly be the desire to see another individual become all he or she can be as a person—with room to breathe and grow; and it may be caring as much about another person’s well being as we do our own. Th is is true whether our love be for a spouse, friend, child, or co-worker.

EXPRESSING LOVE. Certainly, there are many types of love relationships. Depending upon the relationship involved, the true meaning of love will be expressed in various ways. Some people have trouble saying the words, “I love you!” Instead, they show their love by buying presents or doing nice things for those they love. Obviously, for one who says, “I love you” frequently, it is diffi cult to understand why another person cannot “spit” the words out.

© E

le na

E lis

se ev

a 20

10 , S

hu tte

rs to

ck

Some people show their feelings by buying presents or doing nice things for those they love.

How To Expand Your Ability to Love Express yourself . You have positive feelings, so put them into words: “Our relationship means a lot to me,” “I like being with you,” “I love you.”

Love yourself . Self-love is the opposite of selfi shness, not the same thing. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love someone else.

Be tolerant . You can love and be loved without sharing exactly the same opinions, values, and personality traits. Do not make constant agreement your main criterion for love. This is unrealistic.

Hang in there . You are vulnerable and there is always the risk of hurt, but do not give up at the fi rst sign of trouble. Relationships can be diffi cult but rewarding.

Learn to be alone . You cannot be happy until you can be happy being alone. Do not ask another person to be your “security blanket.” If you love someone, give the person room to breathe and grow while you keep your distance.

Grow up . Immature love says, “I love you because I need you”; or “I love because I am loved.” Mature love says, “I need you because I love you”; or “I am loved because I love.”

Practice . The more you practice developing a loving attitude, the more love you will attract. The more frequently you say, “I really care about you,” “I love you,” the more comfortable you will become in expressing these loving words.

From The Art of Loving (Fromm 2000) and Love: What Life Is all About (Buscaglia 1996).

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 171Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 171 11/18/09 12:33:16 PM11/18/09 12:33:16 PM

172 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

People, however, express their emotions in diff erent ways. Although it is true that adults who did not know love as a child have a greater diffi culty learn- ing how to express love, it is never too late to develop or expand our ability to love.

Now that we have a better idea of how some of our more common emo- tions aff ect us, we will discuss how we got to be feeling persons. Th e chapter concludes with a discussion on learning how to express emotions, as well as the benefi ts to be derived in achieving a balance between emotional expres- sion and emotional control.

Development of Emotions

From early infancy, human beings display tendencies toward responding emo- tionally. Most authorities agree that heredity does predispose us towards fairly specifi c emotional tendencies (Jung 1923). For example, one child develops a natural tendency to react calmly to most emotional stimuli, whereas another shows a tendency to react quickly and intensely to all emotional stimuli.

An infant’s fi rst emotional expression is crying. For several months, babies will continue to show their excitement by crying when they feel like doing so. Aft er a few weeks, they have learned to distinguish and respond to two basic emotions— distress and delight. Bodily discomfort (a wet diaper or hunger) brings forth the earliest unpleasant reaction, known as distress . Delight , the earliest pleasant reaction, appears several weeks aft er distress, in the form of smiling, gurgling, and other babyish sounds of joy.

Soon, we become more aware of the world within us and the world out- side us. Consequently, we learn from others and our own experiences other emotional responses such as love, anger, frustration, fear, jealousy, and so on. We learn which emotions will bring us rewards and those that will bring us punishment.

Th rough our family, school, and social experiences, we learn various ways of dealing with our emotions. We also receive messages on how to express and deal with some of our emotions. For example, we may hear: “Don’t make a scene by crying”; “Th ere is nothing to be afraid of ”; “Don’t let everybody see how angry you are”; “Cheer up, there is no reason to feel bad”; “Be strong and endure your pain”; or even, “Control yourself; don’t let others know how excited you are.” It is even possible that you heard the statement, “Big boys don’t cry.” Consequently, we may grow up thinking that girls and women can cry, but boys and men must not do so. Could these messages have anything to do with the cultural stereotype of the unexpressive male and the more expres- sive female? See Gender and You on the following page. Do you agree or dis- agree with the fi ndings? Th is is an example of how sexist behavior is learned and can be unlearned in the same manner.

With modeling and messages from our parents, society, and our peers, is it any wonder that we grow up confused about what to do with our feelings?

Emotional Intelligence

Have you ever wondered why some people with high academic IQs are “poor pilots of their private lives,” while those with modest academic IQs may do surprisingly well? Why do some “really bright people” make disastrous choices in business and in their personal lives? Are we either emotional beings or rational beings? Could it be possible to have an intelligent balance of the two,

A nyone can become angry—that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not easy.

ARISTOTLE, THE NICOMACHEAN ETHICS

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 172Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 172 11/18/09 12:33:17 PM11/18/09 12:33:17 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 173

whereby the head and heart are in harmony with each other? Most people understand what academic or intellectual intelligence means, but what does it mean to use emotion intelligently?

Th e concept of emotional intelligence was originally developed by John Mayer and Peter Salovey (2004). Emotional intelligence consists of the ability to monitor, access, express, and regulate one’s own emotions; the capacity to identify, interpret, and understand others’ emotions; and the ability to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions. According to Salovey and Mayer (2005), emotional intelligence includes four essential abilities: First , people need to be able to accurately perceive emotions in themselves and oth- ers and have the ability to express their own emotions. Second , people need to be aware of how their emotions shape their thinking, decisions and coping behavior. Th ird , people need to be able to understand and analyze their emo- tions, which may have important social implications. Fourth , people need to be able to regulate their emotions so they can minimize negative emotions and make eff ective use of positive emotions.

Actually, emotional intelligence (EI) has became a popular phrase in homes, schools, and businesses due to a book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Th an IQ (Goleman 2006). Th e author, a Harvard-educated psychologist, believes that emotional intelligence is involved in some of the most important things in our lives, such as managing bad moods, maintain- ing hope aft er setbacks, getting along with people, and making important decisions. People who are high in emotional intelligence have the ability to use their emotions wisely, and they appear to have a deeper understanding of their emotional lives (Salovey et al. 2005).

In fact, emotional intelligence may be a more important contributor to success in life than IQ. However, more research is needed in this area as well as continued research into the meaning of emotional intelligence. At present, ways to cultivate emotional intelligence are being explored in classrooms and workplaces.

In any case, we are both emotional and rational beings, and we need an intelligent balance of the two (Gibbs 1995) (Duff y 2007/2008). Be sure and review the Criteria of Emotional Maturity on the following page for addi- tional insights into Emotional Intelligence.

Do Women Express More Emotions Than Men? Women are more likely than men to express positive emotions like love, liking, joy, and contentment. Women have a hard time expressing anger.

Women are more likely than men to express feelings of vulnerability like fear, sadness, loneliness, and embarrassment. Men have diffi culty expressing sadness.

Men rarely express positive emotions and feelings of vulnerability, especially to their male friends, although they may be more expressive to the woman they love. Men are less bashful about revealing their strengths.

While men experience emotions much like women, men tend to be not as emotionally expressive as women. Men’s emotional behavior often masks their emotional inclinations. And, men often express their feelings through actions and activities rather than words.

Women tend to be more emotionally empathetic than men—that is, better able to pick up the emotions of others. Men tend to be better than women at returning to normal after experiencing distressing emotions.

Goldsmith and Fulfs 1999; Goleman 2007.

& YOU

GE NDER

E very great, successful person I know shares the capacity to remain centered, clear and powerful in the midst of emotional “storms.”

ANTHONY ROBBINS

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 173Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 173 11/18/09 12:33:17 PM11/18/09 12:33:17 PM

174 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

The Costs of Denying Emotions

What kinds of messages did you get about expressing or controlling your emotions? Were you taught to express your emotions openly, or did you grow up believing that you should “stop showing” your emotions, even though you continued to experience them? Th at is right! As long as you live, you continue to experience emotions. Why? You already know the answer: you are a human, not a robot or a machine. You will be given several opportunities in the activities at the end of this chapter to review how you express your emotions.

How, then, do people deal with the emotional aspects of their life? Th ere are only two choices: deny them or express them. Because overcontrol poses our biggest problem in expressing emotions, we will begin by looking at two common ways we deny our emotions.

REPRESSION. Th e most common form of overcontrol is repression. In repres- sion , the self automatically excludes threatening or painful thoughts and feel- ings from awareness. By pushing them into the subconscious, we are able to manage the anxiety that grows out of uncomfortable situations.

Perhaps the most destructive aspect of repression is that although we realize we are hurting when we have repressed our true feelings, we do not know why. We have hidden the source of pain in the “dungeon” of the sub- conscious. Repressed emotions unfortunately do not die. Th ey refuse to be silenced and continue to infl uence our whole personality and behavior. For example, when we repress guilt feelings, we are forever, though subcon- sciously, trying to punish ourselves. We will not allow ourselves success or enjoyment because we are so unworthy. For example, rather than accepting compliments, we “qualify” them or quickly give all the credit to someone more deserving than us!

Repressed fears and angers may be acted out physically as insomnia, headaches, ulcers, and so on. If such fears and angers had been consciously accepted and expressed, however, there would be no necessity for the sleep- lessness, the tension headaches, or ulcers. In his book Th e Language of Feel- ings, David Viscott (1990) indicates that feelings always follow a predictable pattern when you suff er one of three major kinds of loss: 1) the loss of someone

W hen feelings are avoided, their painful effects are often prolonged, and it becomes increasingly diffi cult to deal with them.

ANDREW SALTER

HAVING the ability to deal constructively with reality HAVING the capacity to adapt to change HAVING a relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions

and anxieties HAVING the capacity to fi nd more satisfaction in giving than receiving HAVING the capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with

mutual satisfaction and helpfulness HAVING the capacity to sublimate, to direct one’s instinctive hostile energy

into creative and constructive outlets HAVING the capacity to love

William C. Menninger, M.D. 1899–1966

The Criteria of Emotional Maturity

Courtesy of William C. Menninger, M.D. Copyright 1966, © Th e Menninger Foundation, Topeka, Kansas.

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 174Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 174 11/18/09 12:33:17 PM11/18/09 12:33:17 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 175

who loves you or the loss of their love or your sense of lovability; 2) the loss of control; 3) the loss of self-esteem. Th e predictable pattern then becomes:

When a loss threatens, you feel anxious. When a loss occurs, you feel hurt. When hurt is held back, it becomes anger. When anger is held back, it creates guilt. When guilt is unrelieved, depression occurs.

Viscott goes on to say that if you take care of your fear, hurt, and anger, the guilt and depression will take care of themselves. In other words, they will be nonexistent, just like the sleeplessness, the tension headaches, or ulcers. When a person is especially sensitive to one type of loss, however, he or she tends to bury the unpleasant feelings associated with the loss.

What is the result of these buried feelings? John Powell (1995) makes a profound statement about the costs of repressed feelings:

Buried emotions are like rejected people; they make us pay a high price for having rejected them. Hell hath no fury like that of a scorned emotion.

SUPPRESSION. Sometimes people suppress rather than repress their emotions. In suppression , people are usually conscious of their emotions, but deliber- ately control rather than express them. For example, you might say, “I’ll never let her know that I’m jealous.” Why would you say this? You might be afraid that your emotional admissions could be used against you; maybe she would bring it up later. Th en you would probably always wonder if she might dis- tance herself from you because of the feelings you confi ded. Obviously, these are all threats to your self-esteem, so why take the risk? Aft er all, what you do not say cannot be used against you.

Although suppression of emotions is a healthier way of handling feelings than is repression, habitual suppression may lead to many of the undesirable eff ects of repression. Furthermore, chronic suppression of feelings interferes with rational, problem-solving behavior. When people have unexpressed feel- ings that are “smoldering” within, they cannot think clearly. Consequently, they may have diffi culty studying, working, or even socializing with others. More importantly, when you consistently suppress your emotions, you may eventu- ally explode and do things or say things totally uncharacteristic of you. Obvi- ously, this makes the problem(s) much, much worse. As you can see, chronic suppression can be just as unhealthy as repression (Duff y and Atwater 2008).

Now we are left with the other choice of dealing with our feelings— expressing them. But, is not this diffi cult when we have been holding them back for so long? Let us see.

Getting Out of Emotional Debt

Everybody gets into emotional debt from time to time. Gary Emery (2000) defi nes emotional debt as a condition of imbalance in which feelings are trapped instead of expressed. As we have already stated that keeping feel- ings from being expressed naturally employs defenses and drains energy. Th e more feelings are held in, the less energy you have to be yourself. Obviously, this interferes with your ability to interact with others.

Accepting and learning to handle and express emotions are the marks of maturity. You are a feeling being. If you are to have the joy of positive

W hen you deny what is real, When you hide from life’s pains,

When you shut out the world, Only fantasy remains.

DAVID VISCOTT

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 175Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 175 11/18/09 12:33:17 PM11/18/09 12:33:17 PM

176 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

emotions, you also must accept the reality of your negative emotions without guilt, self-condemnation, or repression of the emotion. Do you want to begin to learn how to express your emotions? Before we discuss the steps involved, we ask you to internalize the words of John Powell (1995):

When you are ready to stop telling your emotions what they should be, they will tell you what they really are.

Now, are you ready to uncover your lost emotions?

Guidelines for Dealing with Your Emotions

Emotions are a fact of life, and communicating them certainly is not a sim- ple matter. It is obvious that showing every feeling of anger, frustration, and even love and aff ection could get you in trouble. However, withholding emo- tions can be personally frustrating and certainly aff ect your relationships. Th erefore, the following suggestions can help you to decide when and how to express your emotions (Adler and Proctor 2007).

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. What is happening inside of you? What are those but- terfl ies in your stomach telling you? Why is your heart pounding? Remember, physiological changes are a part of your emotions and what you are feeling. Th ose internal changes speak to you very clearly; do not ignore them.

IDENTIFY YOUR FEELINGS. Just ask yourself, “What am I really feeling?” Is it fear, anger, frustration, etc? Give your feelings a label if you can. If you have diffi culty with an exact label, use the techniques in the next suggestion to help you express your feelings. Remember to name all the feelings you are having. Try to identify your primary feeling and then your secondary feeling. Above all, do not deny or suppress your feelings.

PERSONALIZE YOUR FEELINGS. Th ere are times when you can name the feel- ing: “I’m feeling hurt,” “I love you,” “I’m angry.” Th ere are times, however, when it is easier to describe the impact the feelings are having on you: “I feel like I’m being dumped on,” “I feel used,” “I feel he cares for me.” Metaphors with a colorful description such as “I’m sitting on top of the world,” “I feel like my world has caved in,” “I’m down in the dumps,” can be used. Feelings can also be expressed by describing what action you feel like taking: “I feel like giving up,” “I feel like telling him off ,” “I just want to jump for you.”

OWN YOUR FEELINGS. Your feelings are yours; no other person can cause or be responsible for your emotions. Of course, we feel better assigning our emotions to other people: “You made me angry,” “You frightened me,” “You made me jealous.” Th e fact is that another person cannot make you anything. Another person can only stimulate the emotions that are already in you, wait- ing to be activated. Th e distinction between causing and stimulating emotions is not just a play on words. Th e acceptance of the truth involved is critical. If you think other people can make you angry, when you become angry you simply lay the blame and pin the problem on them. You can then walk away from your emotional encounter learning nothing, concluding only that the other people were at fault because he or she made you angry. Th en, you do not have to examine your own feelings because you gave all the responsibility for your feelings to the other people.

L ife is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.

CARL SANDBURG

T he greatest lesson I ever learned was to accept complete responsibility for what I was feeling.

GEORGE B. SHAW

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 176Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 176 11/18/09 12:33:17 PM11/18/09 12:33:17 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 177

DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO WITH YOUR FEELINGS. Th is is oft entimes very diffi cult, because there are many factors to consider. Careful consideration of the following suggestions may be of assistance to you:

Timing and Appropriateness of Place. We are all familiar with the thought: there is a time and a place for all things. Th is is particularly true when expressing emotions because you want to get your message across. You also want your message to be heard, and you hope your message is understood. As we will discuss in chapter fi ve, your receiver will probably be more receptive to your message if he or she is not distracted by outside stimuli and if the receiver has the energy and time to listen.

How Much Emotion to Express. Young children may squeal with delight or cry with anguish in the grocery store, at church, or wherever they so please. Adults, however, are expected to exert control over their emo- tional expressions. Th is does not mean that adults should not express emotion spontaneously. Instead, it means that adults feel an emotion, understand it, and decide how intensely to express it. For example, regardless of how intensely an adult feels he or she wants to laugh and get excited in church, this is just considered taboo, if you are the only one laughing. Also, regardless of how sad you feel that your daughter is marrying this “certain” boy, it might not be a good idea to cry loudly and profusely through the entire wedding. A quiet sob would be much more appropriate.

Signifi cance of Relationship. Th ere is some risk involved in expressing feelings. In an encounter with a store clerk, an acquaintance, or a dis- tant relative, expressing your feelings may do nothing more than relieve tension. In other words, you might be able to get away with “telling this person off .” If you value another person’s friendship, however, you may want to carefully consider just “telling this person off .” You may fi nd that this relationship means so much to you, you need to be very careful in expressing your feelings. Maybe, you can soft en your approach. Aft er all, you want the net eff ect to be a closer, more meaningful relationship. It is important to realize you are going to be interacting with this person in the future; you can avoid the store clerk if you so choose.

Words and Mannerisms. You already know some ways to personalize your feelings. You will also want to consider the appropriate verbal and nonverbal techniques to use in getting your message across. Th is will be discussed in more detail in chapter fi ve. Careful selection of words means that you use tact and deal with facts instead of interpretations, judgments, or accusations.

Recognize the Diff erence between Feeling and Acting. At times you may be so angry that you feel like “punching someone in the nose.” In this instance, it would be more constructive to talk about your feelings, rather than act upon your feelings. One point should be made clear: Allowing ourselves the freedom to feel and observe our emotions does not neces- sarily mean that we should act on those emotions. As a small child, you might punch someone in the nose when you get angry. Although this is not necessarily appropriate, you might just get a spanking or a “time out” period. As an adult, however, if you “punch” someone in the nose, you might get a ticket to jail or even get killed in extreme cases. To live eff ectively in our world requires that we be sensitive to situations and

A n emotion without social rules of containment and expression is like an egg without a shell: a gooey mess.

CAROL TAVRIS

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 177Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 177 11/18/09 12:33:17 PM11/18/09 12:33:17 PM

178 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

adjust our emotional expression accordingly. Remember, we used the term adjust, not deny.

Although it is true that people express their emotions diff erently and respond to situations diff erently, the truth is that sometimes, as stated, it is just not possible to openly express what you really feel. In these instances, you need to choose some indirect ways to express your feelings. As you already know, feelings do not just go away. Here are some suggestions for these times:

1. Ventilate or share your feelings with someone you trust. 2. Choose some type of physical or creative activity to help release your

“pent-up” emotions. 3. Work to maintain a positive or realistic perspective of the situation. 4. As much as possible, keep a sense of humor.

You are probably thinking or saying to yourself, “I’ll never remember all these guidelines.” If this is true for you, perhaps the “shorthand tech- nique” developed by Gary Emery (2000) and illustrated below in Consider this will be a quick way for you to remember the key concepts in expressing your feelings.

D o you collect emotional trading stamps—that is, collecting feelings, rather than dealing with them?

ANN ELLENSON

Consider this . . .Consider this . . .

Feel—The Shorthand Technique

F Focus on your feelings.

E Express them constructively.

E Experience them.

L Let them go.

Emery 2000.

Understanding Culture and Emotion

Research shows that certain basic emotions are experienced by people around the world. Th e ability to feel and recognize happiness, sadness, surprise, anger, disgust, and fear seems to be universal, regardless of a person’s background or where he or she is born (Gudykunst and Young 2002; and Ekman 1998). Culture plays a key role in moderating our expression of emotion and in help- ing us cognitively appraise situations in appropriate ways. Paul Ekman (1992) found that diff erent cultures have diff erent display rules: norms about when, where, and how much we should show emotions. Focus on Diversity on the following page gives examples of some of these culture display rules (Ekman 1992), (Adler and Proctor 2007; King 2008).

We are emotional human beings. Understanding our emotions, how they aff ect us, and developing ways of handling them can be benefi cial for all of us. Understanding how diff erent cultures express emotions can certainly elimi- nate some potential communication problems. Learning to constructively express and utilize our emotions is a life-long process; we learn by doing.

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 178Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 178 11/18/09 12:33:17 PM11/18/09 12:33:17 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 179

Benefi ts of Expressing Your Feelings

Many emotional responses feel good to us. Feelings of love, tenderness, and warmth toward other people give us a sense of well-being. Emotional responses involved in happy or joyful experiences in life are also enhancing to us, as are emotional responses found in humor or laughter that tend to help us feel good about being alive.

However, the real benefi t of having good feelings can only be found if one chooses to truly experience emotions and share them with others.

As we have stated several times in this chapter, strong feelings that are not expressed or dealt with rarely go away. Instead, you may begin to collect your feelings and cash them in at a later date for a free mad, temper tantrum, or an angry outburst at someone else. Also, bottled-up anger may “leak out” in the form of a lack of cooperation, silence, coldness, cynicism, or even sarcasm. Obviously, none of us would really want these types of behaviors to occur.

Th e author believes aft er you have carefully considered your options and the consequences involved in expressing your feelings, and choose to take the risk, you are likely to derive several long-term, positive benefi ts. Below are three, although there are many others.

1. You Will Develop Positive Feelings about Yourself. You cannot possibly understand that part of yourself which you deny or repress. Furthermore, you cannot possibly appreciate yourself when you know you are not being honest with yourself and others. Once you begin to openly and honestly deal with your feelings in a constructive way, you will automatically experience increased feelings of self-esteem. People who feel good about themselves are not afraid of their emotional responses. Th at is, they trust themselves and their emotions. Obviously, this type of dual trust leads to a sense of inner harmony and freedom— you do not have to pretend any longer.

T he things that most clearly differentiate and individuate

me from others are my feelings and emotions.

JOHN POWELL

Cultural Display Rules Happy or not, Russians rarely smile in public. Japanese culture emphasizes the suppression of negative emotions in public. African Americans display emotion with more liveliness than whites, showing

more changes in facial expression, voice pitch, and body movements. If you see someone eating a hamburger, you are not likely to respond emotionally,

unless you are in India where cows are sacred. In Native American culture, emotions ranging from expressing affection, being curious, or even expressing unhappiness are much less public than in Anglo cultures. For example, expressing love is displayed by helping and caring for people they love. You do not see much hugging and kissing, and people rarely say “I Love You” to one another.

How might these differences in display rules lead to communication problems?

D

IVERSIT Y

FO CUS

ON

© M

on ke

y B

us in

es s

Im ag

es 2

01 0,

S

hu tte

rs to

ck

The real benefi t of having good feelings can only be found if one chooses to truly experience emotions and share them with others.

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 179Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 179 11/18/09 12:33:17 PM11/18/09 12:33:17 PM

180 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

2. Your Relationships Will Grow Stronger. Th e expression of feelings is vital to eff ectively building meaningful relationships. How can others know what you are feeling if you never tell them? How can another person really get to know you if you only talk about the “weather” or “surface” type issues?

Other people may have dark hair as you do or drive a Ford as you do, but others will not experience fears, frustrations, love, and joy in the same way as you do. So, you must tell others how you feel, what your “gut” is saying, if you really want to establish and maintain meaningful relationships.

Oft en, when you begin expressing your feelings, others will be more likely to express some of their own. Consequently, you each know more about each other. When two people can share their feelings in an open, honest, and car- ing way, their relationship will deepen, even if these feelings are sometimes negative.

3. Pressure Is Relieved. Experts in psychosomatic medicine believe that the most common cause of fatigue and actual sickness is the repres- sion of emotions. We all experience frustrations and anxieties in our daily lives. For example, our goals may be thwarted, our self-esteem and integrity may be threatened, and our abilities to handle situations may seem overwhelmed. As we have seen, our health and our relation- ships are negatively aff ected when we deny “what we are really feeling.” When we are able to express what we have kept “bottled up” inside us, we normally feel better. Consequently, we naturally reduce some of the stress we are feeling. We will discuss stress and its eff ects more fully in chapter eight.

Sometimes in the process of expressing and dealing with our feelings, we even go through a healing process, known as Forgiveness . Let us see what this process involves.

Forgiveness—The Healing Process

Have you ever been hurt or experienced a painful injustice from:

Parents Lovers Children Spouses (former and present) Brothers and sisters Grandparents Friends Co-workers Employers People of the opposite sex, other races, or religions Ourselves Whole systems (schools, government, criminal justice system, the media)

Do you harbor bitter, angry, resentful feelings toward these people? Have you tried to “even the score” with any of these people or wished that harm would come to those who have hurt you?

Actually, we have all experienced some hurts and had some painful past experiences. Many of these no longer infl uence our life. On the other hand,

T he top eight hits on the “hurt parade”: disappointment, rejection, abandonment, ridicule, humiliation, betrayal, deception and abuse.

SIDNEY AND SUZANNE SIMON

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 180Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 180 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 181

there may be some hurts that we still hang on to. We have not forgiven the people who hurt us, but more important, we have not let go of the pain. Sidney and Suzanne Simon (1991), authors of the book, Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get On with Your Life, explain that the pain has not let go of us:

Many of us wake up each morning and fi ll an enormous suitcase with pain from our pasts. We stuff it with grudges, bitterness, resentment, and self-righteous anger. We toss in some self-pity, envy, jealousy, and regret. We load that suitcase with every injury and injustice that was ever done to us; with every memory of how others failed us and how we ourselves have failed; and with all the reminders of what we have missed out on and what we can never hope to have. Th en, we shut that suitcase and drag it with us wherever we go.

Th roughout our lives, we have all heard the following statements:

forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones, turn the other cheek, and kiss and make up.

However, it is oft entimes very diffi cult to forgive the people who caused us real pain. Instead, we believe that the people who hurt us should pay for the pain they caused—they deserve to be punished, not forgiven. Sometimes we may even say, “I’ll work at forgiving when they say they are sorry. I will work at forgiveness when somehow they communicate to me that they realize and regret what they have done.”

In all probability, the people who hurt you have not made up for what they did to you, and even if they wanted to, they probably could not really do that. Furthermore, no amount of punishment they may have endured could relieve your pain or evaporate your resentment. What if they never apologize? What if they are never sorry? What if they are never even capable of knowing what they did to you? Th en what? Th en what do you do? Do you continue to let them dictate the quality of your life (Larsen 1992)?

FORGIVENESS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. It’s natural and certainly tempting to blame others or unfortunate circumstances for feelings of anger, guilt, depression, anxiety, shame, or insecurity. But look at the word blame. It is just a coincidence that the last two letters spell the word me . Other people or unfortunate circumstances may have caused you to experi- ence some pain but only you control whether you allow that pain to go on. You may not have had any power or control over what happened to you when you were fi ve, ten, or fi ft een years old, but you do have a choice now whether you are going to keep on carrying that hurt and resentment with you (Enright 2001).

What can you do to make those feelings go away? What can you do to get those people who hurt you off your blame list ? Forgiveness is not done as a favor to the people who hurt you or because someone once told you that forgiving was the good or right thing to do. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself , for your own health, happiness, and emotional well-being. You forgive so that you can let go of the pain and fi nally get rid of the excess emo- tional baggage that has been weighing you down and holding you back.

A nger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.

CHERIE CARTER-SCOTT

T o forgive is to set the prisoner free and then discover the prisoner was you.

ELLIS COSE

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 181Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 181 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

182 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

Rabbi Harold Kushner (2004; 2007), author of When Bad Th ings Happen to Good People and Overcoming Life’s Disappointments, explains what is meant by carrying around emotional baggage that has been weighing one down:

When I would counsel a divorcee still seething about her husband’s having left her for another woman years ago and having fallen behind on child support payments, she would ask me, “How can you expect me to forgive him aft er what he’s done to me and the children?” I would answer, “I’m not asking you to forgive him because what he did wasn’t so terrible; it was terrible. I’m suggesting that you forgive him because he doesn’t deserve to have this power to turn you into a bitter, resentful woman. When he left , he gave up the right to inhabit your life and mind to the degree that you’re letting him. Your being angry at him doesn’t harm him, but it hurts you. It’s turning you into someone you don’t really want to be. Release that anger, not for his sake—he probably doesn’t deserve it—but for your sake, so that the real you can re-emerge.”

University of Wisconsin’s Robert Enright (2001), head of the recently established International Forgiveness Institute, reminds people that forgiving does not mean letting the guilty party off the hook. It is not excusing, forget- ting or even reconciling—it is giving up resentment to which you are entitled and off ering compassionate understanding to someone who may not deserve it. Th e paradox, he says, is that “by giving this gift to the other, it is the gift - giver who becomes psychologically healed.”

BENEFITS OF FORGIVENESS. “Holding on to hurts and nursing grudges wears you down physically and emotionally,” says Stanford University psychologist Fred Luskin (2007), author of Forgive for Love . Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, applied his method to help families in Northern Ireland recover emotionally from the murder of loved ones, some of whom had been killed more than 20 years earlier. Rather than agonizing over the past, his sub- jects were able to enjoy the present. Feelings of hurt, measured by using psy- chological tests, had fallen more than half. Th ey were also less likely to feel depressed and angry. Th eir health also improved. On average, they saw stress- related symptoms like backaches and stomach pain dip by almost 35 percent.

To heal, some people take fate’s raw material and transform it. Judy Keane, 54, whose husband of 31 years, Richard, was killed at the World Trade Cen- ter, felt she had to move forward. Despite her anguish, she did not want to become more rigid and hostile. Keane responded by starting a foundation in her husband’s name that will open a sports center in her Connecticut town. Her goal is to off er programs built on Richard’s philosophy for coaching kids: in true sports, kids learn how to deal with life.

Forgiveness is truly a journey of hard work and an exercise in personal power. Lewis Smedes (1996) reminds us that “you will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” If this is diffi cult for you to imagine, Robert Enright (2001), in his insightful book, Forgiveness Is a Choice , says, “forgiveness is feeling free of negative energy.” If you remain angry, the hostility will reverberate through all your relationships. When we’re angry, we cannot help but infl ict pain on children, spouses, close friends, and coworkers.

H uman pain does not let go of its grip at one point in time. Rather it works its way out of our consciousness over time. There is a season of sadness, a season of anger, a season of tranquility, and a season of hope.

ROBERT VENINGO GIFT OF HOPE: HOW TO SURVIVE

OUR TRAGEDIES

W e will probably never understand why we were hurt. But forgiving is not having to understand. Understanding may come later, in fragments, an insight here and a glimpse there, after forgiving. But we are asking too much if we want to understand everything at the beginning.

LEWIS SMEDES

W hen we forgive, we free ourselves from the bitter ties that bind us to the one who hurt us.

CLAIRE FRAZIER-YZAGUIRRE

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 182Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 182 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 183

Consider this . . .Consider this . . .

The Healing Process

While a variety of strategies can be used in the forgiveness process, at least some of these important stages will be involved:

exploring the anger you have

deciding to forgive

working on forgiveness

discovery and release, whereby one learns a great deal about oneself, the other person, and relationships.

Adapted from Enright 2001; Cose 2005.

Actually, the message is the same whether it is couched in the language of Christian charity, clinical psychology or the wisdom of Confucious: “If you devote your life to seeking revenge, fi rst, dig two graves” (Lewis and Adler 2004).

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 183Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 183 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

184 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

Chapter Review

We would all agree that emotions are a crucial part of being human. Indeed, we experience life’s pains and pleasures through our emotions.

■ Emotions are feelings that are experienced, with at least four common characteristics: physiological or internal changes, behavioral expressions, cognitive interpretations, and motivational tendencies.

■ Although authorities do not always agree on the exact number of basic emotions, there appear to be both primary and mixed emotions. Primary and mixed emotions suggest that many feelings need to be described in more than a single term.

■ Generally, our emotions begin to have negative eff ects when they are viewed as being excessive in intensity and duration. When mild, emotions can be facilitative—they increase our functioning. When emotions are intense, or sustained, they are debilitative—they disrupt our overall functioning.

■ Some emotions cause us more diffi culty than others. Some of these are fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, grief, and love.

■ Although there are gender diff erences with respect to several potential causes of anger, both males and females report physical and verbal aggression as the most anger-provoking behaviors they could encounter.

■ Anger most oft en begins with a loss or the threat of one, such as: loss of self-esteem, loss of face, threat of physical harm or violence, loss of valued possessions, skills, or abilities, loss of a valued role, or loss of valued relationships.

■ Four psychological reactions to anger are: 1) seeing yourself as a victim, 2) feeling discounted or ignored, 3) feeling powerless, and 4) looking for justice and revenge.

■ Th ree characteristics of anger are: 1) anger is neither right nor wrong, 2) anger can be released in a right or wrong way, and 3) you are vulnerable when angry.

■ Th e grief process consists of 1) freeing ourselves emotionally from the loss, 2) readjusting to life without this loss, 3) resuming ordinary activities and forming new relationships. Th ere are individual patterns of grieving.

■ With modeling and messages from our parents, society, and our peers, it is not surprising that we grow up confused about what to do with our feelings.

■ We are both emotional and rational beings, and we need an intelligent balance of the two. Emotional intelligence consists of the ability to monitor, access, express, and regulate one’s own emotions; the capacity to identify, interpret, and understand others’ emotions; and the ability to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.

■ Because overcontrol poses our biggest problem in the expression of emotions, there are two common ways we deny our emotions—repression and suppression.

■ It is helpful to remember the following suggestions when deciding when and how to express your emotions: Listen to your body, personalize your feelings, identify your feelings, own your feelings, and decide what you will do with your feelings.

■ Diff erent cultures have diff erent display rules—norms about when, where, and how much we should show emotions. Th ese diff erences, if not understood, can lead to communication problems.

■ Several long-term, positive benefi ts can be derived from learning to express emotions: You will develop positive feelings about yourself, your relationships will grow stronger, and pressure is relieved.

■ Sometimes in the process of expressing and dealing with our feelings, we may even go through a heal- ing process, known as forgiveness. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, for your own happi- ness, health and well-being.

As we go through adulthood, we have the opportunity to experiment with a full range of behaviors and full range of emotions. Hopefully, we learn to express our emotions in constructive ways and to con- trol those emotions and expressions that might be destructive to ourselves and others.

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 184Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 184 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 185

Test Review Questions: Learning Outcomes

1. What are emotions? Explain their four characteristics. 2. Describe how cognitive appraisals can be a part of an emotional experience. 3. What are the eight primary emotions? What is the diff erence in primary and mixed emotions? 4. Diff erentiate between mild (facilitative) and intense (debilitative) emotions. When do our emotions

begin to have negative eff ects? 5. What is the diff erence in fear and anxiety? Defi ne preparation anxiety and neurotic anxiety. 6. Anger most oft en begins with what kinds of losses or threats? 7. What are the four psychological reactions to anger? What are the three characteristics of anger?

What are at least six do’s and don’ts to remember in the expression of anger? 8. What seems to be three causes of aggression in our society? 9. Discuss the common reactions people have in coping with a loss. 10. Compare and contrast the importance of intellectual IQ and emotional intelligence. 11. Name and defi ne the two common ways we deny our emotions. 12. List and discuss the fi ve guidelines for dealing with your emotions. What is the shorthand tech-

nique for dealing with emotions? 13. Defi ne the term “culture display” rules and be able to give examples of some ways these rules are

expressed in diff erent cultures. 14. Discuss the three common benefi ts of learning to express emotions. 15. Why do we need to consider going through a forgiveness process? 16. What important stages are involved in the forgiveness process? 17. List the three components of the grief process identifi ed by Dickenson and Leming. 18. Identify the four questions to ask yourself when attempting to shift your anger from an emotional

level to an intellectual level.

Key Terms

Aggression Anger Annoyance Anxiety Cultural Display Rules Debilitative Emotions Delight Distress Emotional Debt Emotional Intelligence Emotions

Facilitative Emotions Fear Forgiveness Good Grief Grief and Bereavement Grief Work Guilt Hate Hostility Intense Emotions Love

Mild Emotions Mixed Emotions Moods Neurotic Anxiety Preparation Anxiety Primary Emotions Rage Repression Resentment Suppression

Refl ections

1. Why do our emotions oft en color our point of view and aff ect our opinions? 2. How were you taught to express and deal with your emotions? 3. Do you believe that feelings follow a predictable pattern when we suff er a loss? If so, explain the

process for you. 4. Of the problem emotions discussed, which one(s) present the greatest problem for you?

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 185Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 185 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

186 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

5. Which one of the four psychological reactions to anger is the most diffi cult for you to deal with? 6. What can be done to decrease aggression in our society? 7. Do you believe there is really emotional intelligence? 8. Discuss any “cultural display rules” you have experienced. 9 . How do you deal with forgiveness in your life?

Web Resources

www.aarp.org/griefandloss/ Offers articles, discussions, resources, and tools for coping with grief and the loss of a loved one.

http://www.apa.org/topics Explores various topics on emotions and feelings.

http://angermanagementonline.com Discusses various methods of disfussing anger.

http://www.eiconsortium.org/reports/technical_report.html A report issued for research on Emotional Intelligence in Organizations.

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 186Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 186 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

187

Name Date

Taking an Emotional Inventory of Yourself Purpose: To analyze some of the patterns in your emotional life.

Instructions:

I. At the end of every day for a week, write down your emotional reactions through various periods of the day. (You may want to carry a small notepad with you and record these reactions every three or four hours.) You can begin by making a list of the positive emotions (love, happy, helpful, optimistic, energetic, and accepting, or other positive emotions discussed in this chapter) and negative emotions (sad, fear, anger, hurt, guilt, and anxiety, or other negative emotions discussed in this chapter). You may want to review Table 4.1 for a list of some common emotions. Pay attention to any physiological or behavioral indicators you may have had throughout the day. These indicators often reveal corresponding emotional states.

II. Record the strongest emotion/s you felt for each day and complete the chart below. If you cannot put your fi nger on one event or person, or perhaps you are not sure why you were angry or anxious, put down “unknown” for the cause.

DAY EMOTION(S) FEELING(S)

SITUATION/CAUSE PERSON(S)

(continued)

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 187Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 187 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

188

Discussion 1. What percentage of your daily life is used in the expression of negative expressions? What percentage in

positive expressions?

2. Are your emotional reactions appropriate to the situation? Were you justifi ed in feeling angry, for example, in the situation that produced this response?

3. How many of your emotional responses are caused by unknown or possible unconscious factors?

4. Do you tend to use one or two kinds of emotional responses consistently, or is there variety in your emotional responses?

5. As you review your week in general, do you believe you used your emotional responses with intelligence? If not, explain why you were unable to do so.

6. Explain what you can do to improve so that you use emotions/feelings intelligently.

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 188Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 188 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

189

Name Date

Emotional Expressivity Scale Purpose: To assess your degree of emotional expression.

Instructions: Using the following scale, place the number on the line that best describes your agreement with the following statements:

5 = Strongly Agree 4 = Agree 3 = Neither Agree or Disagree 2 = Disagree 1 = Strongly Disagree

___ 1. I think of myself as emotionally expressive.

___ 2. People think of me as an unemotional person.*

___ 3. I keep my feelings to myself.*

___ 4. I am often considered indifferent by others.*

___ 5. People can read my emotions.

___ 6. I display my emotions to other people.

___ 7. I don’t like to let other people see how I am feeling.*

___ 8. I am able to cry in front of other people.

___ 9. Even if I am feeling very emotional, I don’t let others see my feelings.*

___ 10. Other people aren’t easily able to observe what I am feeling.*

___ 11. I am not very emotionally expressive.*

___ 12. Even when I am experiencing strong feelings, I don’t express them outwardly.*

___ 13. I cannot hide the way I am feeling.

___ 14. Other people believe me to be very emotional.

___ 15. I don’t express my emotions to other people.*

___ 16. The way I feel is different from how others think I feel.*

___ 17. I hold my feelings in.*

Scoring: *=Recode these items (5 = 1, 4 = 2, 3 = 3, 2 = 4, 1 = 5)

After you recode the negative items, sum all the scores together. My Score: _________

Range of Emotional Expressivity = 17—85 (17 is the lowest expression of emotions and 85 is the highest expression of emotions)

(continued)

Emotional Express Scale from Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1994, 66. Copyright © 1994 by the American Psychological Association. Adapted with permission. No further reproduction or distribution is permitted without written permission from the American Psychological Association.

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 189Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 189 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

190

Discussion 1. Do you agree with your results? Why or why not?

2. What do you think you need to do to be more emotionally expressive?

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 190Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 190 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

191

Name Date

Identifying Feelings Purpose: To determine how you deal with various feelings and emotions.

Instructions: Complete the “feelings” survey below by circling the number which expresses how well you deal with each feeling listed.

1. Can express easily and completely in any situation

2. Can express most of the time

3. Can express some of the time—with diffi culty

4. Can express rarely—with reservation

5. Cannot express this emotion

Caring 1 2 3 4 5 Love 1 2 3 4 5

Concern 1 2 3 4 5 Sadness 1 2 3 4 5

Depression 1 2 3 4 5 Fear 1 2 3 4 5

Anger 1 2 3 4 5 Tension 1 2 3 4 5

Disappointment 1 2 3 4 5 Hurt 1 2 3 4 5

Excitement 1 2 3 4 5 Pride 1 2 3 4 5

Complete the sentences below:

1. I very much care about ______________________________________________________________________________

2. The thing which depresses me most frequently is _______________________________________________________

3. I feel tense when ___________________________________________________________________________________

4. The thing that hurts me most is ______________________________________________________________________

5. I am excited about __________________________________________________________________________________

6. I take pride in ______________________________________________________________________________________

7. I am disappointed with ______________________________________________________________________________

8. The thing that frightens me most is ___________________________________________________________________

9. I get angry when ___________________________________________________________________________________

10. I am concerned about _______________________________________________________________________________

11. I feel sad when _____________________________________________________________________________________

12. Love is a feeling ____________________________________________________________________________________

(continued)

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 191Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 191 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

192

Discussion 1. Is there a feeling that you absolutely cannot deal with? If so, what?

2. Which feeling do you think you deal with most successfully? Why?

3. How important are feelings to you in your interactions with others?

4. How can you learn to express your emotions in a positive way?

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 192Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 192 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

193

Name Date

How I Express My Feelings Purpose: To identify how you personally express a variety of emotions/feelings.

Instructions: Being as spontaneous as possible, complete the following sentences:

1. When I’m angry, I express it by

2. When I’m worried, I express it by

3. When I’m sad, I express it by

4. When I’m depressed, I express it by

5. When I feel like a failure, I express it by

6. When I’m afraid, I express it by

7. When I feel successful, I express it by

8. When I feel affectionate, I express it by

9. When I feel guilty, I express it by

10. When I feel lonely, I express it by

11. When I feel hurt, I express it by

12. When I feel rejected, I express it by

(continued)

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 193Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 193 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

194

Discussion 1. Which of these feelings would you like to be able to express in a different manner?

2. Explain what steps you would take to learn how to express the feelings identifi ed in question 1.

3. Which of these feelings are the most diffi cult for you to express?

4. Which of these feelings are the easiest for you to express? Why?

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 194Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 194 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

195

Name Date

Anger Inventory Purpose: To learn how you confront and/or handle your anger.

Instructions: Complete these questions as quickly as you can. Your fi rst response is usually going to be the best.

1. I concern myself with others’ opinions of me more than I like to admit. T F

2. It is not unusual for me to have a restless feeling on the inside. T F

3. I have had relationships with others that could be described as stormy or unstable. T F

4. It seems that I wind up helping others more than they help me. T F

5. I sometimes wonder how much my friends or family members accept me. T F

6. At times I seem to have an unusual amount of guilt even though it seems unnecessary. T F

7. At times I prefer to get away rather than to be around people. T F

8. I realize that I do not like to admit to myself how angry I feel. T F

9. Sometimes I use humor to avoid facing my feelings or to keep others from knowing how I really feel.

T F

10. I have a problem of thinking too many critical thoughts. T F

11. Sometimes I can use sarcasm in a very biting way. T F

12. I have known moments of great tension and stress. T F

13. When I feel angry, I sometimes fi nd myself doing things I know are wrong. T F

14. I like having times when no one knows what I am doing. T F

15. I usually do not tell people when I feel hurt. T F

16. At times I wish I had more friends. T F

17. I fi nd myself having more bodily aches and pains. T F

18. I have had trouble in the past in relating with members of the opposite sex. T F

19. Criticism bothers me a great deal. T F

20. I desire acceptance by others but fear rejection. T F

21. I worry a lot about my relationships with others. T F

22. I believe I am somewhat socially withdrawn. T F

23. I believe I am overly sensitive to rejection. T F

24. I fi nd myself preoccupied with my personal goals for success. T F

25. I often have felt inferior to others. T F

26. There are times when I like to convince myself that I am superior to others. T F

27. Even though I do not like it, I sometimes am phony in social settings. T F

28. I do not seem to have the emotional support I would like from my family or friends. T F

29. I would like to tell people exactly what I think. T F

(continued)

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 195Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 195 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

196

30. My concentration sometimes seems poor. T F

31. I have had sleep patterns that do not seem normal. T F

32. I worry about fi nancial matters. T F

33. There are times when I feel inadequate in the way I handle personal relationships. T F

34. My conscience bothers me about things I have done in the past. T F

35. Sometimes it seems that my religious life is more of a burden than a help. T F

36. There are times when I would like to run away from home. T F

37. I have had too many quarrels or disagreements with members of my family. T F

38. I have been disillusioned with love. T F

39. Sometimes I have diffi culty controlling my weight, whether gaining or losing too much. T F

40. At times I feel that life owes me more than it has given me. T F

41. I have had trouble controlling my sexual urges. T F

42. To be honest, I prefer to fi nd someone to blame my problems on. T F

43. My greatest struggles are within myself. T F

44. Other people fi nd more fault with me than they really should. T F

45. Many of the nice things I do are done out of a sense of obligation. T F

46. Many mornings I wake up not feeling refreshed. T F

47. I fi nd myself saying things sometimes that I should not have said. T F

48. It is not unusual for me to forget someone’s name after I have just met him/her. T F

49. It is diffi cult for me to motivate myself to do things that do not have to be done. T F

50. My decisions are often governed by my feelings. T F

51. When something irritates me, I fi nd it hard to get calmed down quickly. T F

52. I would rather watch a good sporting event than spend a quiet evening at home. T F

53. I am hesitant for people to give me suggestions. T F

54. I tend to speak out when someone wants to know my opinions. T F

55. I would rather entertain guests in my own home than be entertained by them. T F

56. When people are being unreasonable, I usually take a strong dislike to them. T F

57. I am a fairly strict person, liking things to be done in a predictable way. T F

58. I consider myself to be possessive in my personal relationships. T F

59. Sometimes I could be described as moody. T F

60. People who know me well would say I am stubborn. T F

Total ____________

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 196Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 196 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

197

Scoring & Evaluation Go back and count the number of “Ts” you circled. This will tell you how great your need is to confront your anger. For example:

I. Less than 15: You probably have pretty good control over your anger (or else you were using a lot of denial). Look back over the questions you responded to with a “T” and you will be able to focus on those items as areas for further improvement.

II. Between 15 and 30: You are probably in the normal range. You are willing to admit that you have anger within you and you know you have plenty of room to grow. You will need to be careful as you learn to handle your anger in more effective ways.

III. Between 31 and 40: You have probably experienced more than your share of problems. Chances are you have had more dissatisfying moments than you would like to admit.

IV. Greater than 41: You probably need to work diligently at keeping your anger under control.

Discussion 1. Do you agree with the description of how you confront your anger? Why or why not?

2. As you analyze your results, what do you think you need to do to confront and/or handle your anger?

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 197Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 197 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 198Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 198 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

199

Name Date

Do Women Express More Emotions Than Men? Purpose: Is the cultural stereotype of the unexpressive male and the more expressive female true?

Instructions: Divide the class between the males and the females, with the males on one side, and the females on the other.

Beginning with one of the following statements, have one gender give their views on the following statements, and then have the other gender respond until all statements have been addressed.

A. Is it true that women are more likely than men to express positive emotions like love, liking, joy, and contentment and that women have a hard time expressing anger? Why or why not?

B. Is it true that women are more likely than men to express feelings of vulnerability like fear, sadness, loneliness, and embarrassment and that men have diffi culty expressing sadness? Why or why not?

C. Is it true that men rarely express positive emotions and feelings of vulnerability, especially to their male friends, although they may be more expressive to the woman they love? Why or why not?

D. Is it true that men are less bashful about revealing their strengths? Why or why not?

E. Is it true that while men experience emotions much like women, they may tend to mask their emotional inclinations? Why or why not?

F. Is it true that men often express their feelings through actions and activities rather than words? Why or why not?

G. Is it true that women are better able to “pick up” (read) the emotions of others? Why or why not?

H. Is it true that men tend to be better than women at returning to normal after experiencing distressing emotions? Why or why not?

(continued)

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 199Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 199 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

200

Discussion 1. Is there a difference in the way men and women express emotions? If so, how?

2. Is it possible that the real difference in the expression of emotions between men and women is just an individual personality difference?

3. What do you plan to teach your male children and your female children about the expression of emotions?

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 200Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 200 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

201

Name Date

Dealing with Emotions Learning Journal

Select the statement below that best defi nes your feelings about the personal value or meaning gained from this chapter and respond below the dotted line.

I learned that I . . . I was surprised that I . . .

I realized that I . . . I was pleased that I . . .

I discovered that I . . . I was displeased that I . . .

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 201Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 201 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM

Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 202Walker_Becoming Aware11E_Ch04_Printer_Pdf.indd 202 11/18/09 12:33:18 PM11/18/09 12:33:18 PM