Psychology 4-MAT Review Behun & Owens Assignment

Self-Esteem and Self Respect 1

J a m E S C . D o b S o n , P h . D .

SElf-EStEEm anDSElfRESPECt

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Self-Esteem and Self Respect By James C. Dobson, Ph.D.

For three decades Dr. James Dobson has been America’s leading authority and advocate for the family. Taken from the bestseller Dr. Dobson’s Handbook of Family Advice, this Special Report is full of helpful information for families at all stages. Let’s read along now as Dr. Dobson discusses self-esteem and self-respect:

Happily Ever After

Have you ever stopped to consider just how effectively children’s traditional literature teaches kids, and especially little girls, that they must be beautiful—or else? Many of the age-old stories center around physical attractiveness in one form or another.

Take, for example, The Ugly Duckling. This is a story about an unhappy little bird who was rejected by the better-looking ducks. Fortunately for him, he had a beautiful swan inside that surfaced in young adulthood. The story does not mention the ugly duckling who grew up to be an ugly duck!

Then there’s Sleeping Beauty. Why wasn’t she called Sleeping Ugly? Because the prince wouldn’t have awakened her with a gentle kiss! He would have let a homely little princess go on resting.

How about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Rudolph had a weird nose that caused his little reindeer friends to laugh and call him names. They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph join in the reindeer games. This story has nothing to do with reindeer. It has everything to do with children. This is how they treat the physically peculiar.

Don’t forget Snow White, who was resented by the evil queen. That’s why she asked the question, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” The queen was green with envy over Snow White’s stunning beauty. And how about Dumbo the elephant? Dumbo was ridiculed for having big floppy ears until he used them to fly.

Then there is the all-time favorite: Cinderella. It wasn’t the carriage and the horses that shook up the prince when she arrived at the ball. You can bet Cinderella was a pretty little thing.

These age-old stories are fun to read, and many generations of children have loved them. But we should understand their hidden messages, even if we continue to share them. There’s a very serious side to the emphasis on beauty in the literature of the

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young. Little girls, especially, can begin to believe that those who are unattractive are unworthy as human beings.

That is a very destructive idea.

Mutual Admiration

Our sense of self-respect is often based on the reactions, positive or negative,of those around us. That is especially true in the intimate context of marriage.

Dr. Paul Brand was a flight surgeon during World War II. He tells in one of his books of a fine young man named Peter Foster, who was a Royal Air Force pilot. Foster flew a Hurricane, which was a fighter with a design flaw: The single-propeller engine was mounted in the front, and the fuel lines ran past the cockpit. In a direct hit, the pilot would instantly be engulfed in flames before he could eject. The consequences were often tragic.

Some RAF pilots caught in that inferno would undergo ten or twenty surgeries to reconstruct their faces. Peter Foster was one of those downed pilots whose face was burned beyond recognition. But Foster had the support of his family and the love of his fiancée. She assured him that nothing had changed except a few millimeters of skin. Two years later they were married.

Foster said of his wife, “She became my mirror. She gave me a new image of myself. When I look at her, she gives me a warm, loving smile that tells me I’m OK.”

That’s the way marriage ought to work, even when disfigurement has not occurred. It should he a mutual-admiration society that builds the self-esteem of both partners and overlooks a million flaws that could otherwise be destructive. There’s a word for that kind of commitment: We call it love.

Shifting Standards of Human Worth

Millions of adults today suffer from low self-esteem. Most of them learned to hate their bodies or their circumstances when they were in adolescence and continued at war with themselves into the adult years. It is self-imposed ridicule, and there are few experiences in life that are more destructive. If you’re among the vast number of people who have never come to terms with their own identity, let me offer a word of advice that may be helpful. The standards by which you have assessed yourself are themselves changing and fickle.

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Dr. Maxwell Maltz, the plastic surgeon who authored Psycho-Cybernetics, said women came to him in the 1920s requesting that their breasts be reduced in size. More recently women wanted them augmented with silicone (until the health risks became understood).

False values!

In King Solomon’s biblical love song, the bride asked her groom to overlook her dark skin, which occurred from exposure to the sun. But today she’d be the pride of the beach.

False values!

Modern women are ashamed to admit that they carry an extra ten pounds of weight, yet Rembrandt would have loved to paint their plump bodies. False values! The standards by which we measure ourselves are arbitrary, temporary, and unfair. It’s a system designed to undermine confidence. Your personal worth is not really dependent on the opinions of others or the fluctuating values that they represent. Every person alive is entitled to dignity, self-respect, and confidence.

The sooner you can accept the transcending worth of your humanness as a gift from God, the sooner you can rid yourself of the burden of low self-esteem.

The Victimization of Everyone

Has it ever seemed like the whole world is stacked against you—and that you are never given a fair shake? Have you ever said, “Well, what did you expect? Nothing ever goes right for me anyway”?

This defeatist attitude could be expected among those who have been through severe illness, abuse, or disabilities. But something different has been happening in recent years. Large numbers of Americans have begun perceiving themselves as victims of some sort of unfairness—as though someone was out to get them. As more and more individuals perceive themselves in that way, their anger at one another intensifies.

Consider the classifications of some of the people who feel discriminated against. They include Hispanics, African-Americans, Asians, Jews, Native Americans, women, children, the elderly, the sick, the poor, the uneducated, and now even white males, who are not supposed to feel dis-criminated against. It’s what I call the “victimization of everyone.”

Now obviously, discrimination, racism, sexism, and ageism are still very serious

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problems in this culture, and we need to resolve them. I would not underestimate the impact of them. But it doesn’t help for people to conclude that they’re all being “had” in one way or another.

That mind-set is demoralizing. It paralyzes us emotionally, and it leads us to conclude, “What’s the use? I can’t win!” Eleanor Roosevelt, who had some very serious handicaps in life, once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Well, it’s true. And no one can attack your self-worth but you yourself.

A No-Knock Policy

One of the most common characteristics of a person who feels inadequate and inferior is that he talks about his deficiencies to anyone who will listen.

For example, an overweight person feels compelled to apologize to his companions for ordering a hot-fudge sundae. He echoes what he imagines they’re already thinking. “I’m fat enough without eating this,” he says, scooping up the cherry and the syrup with his spoon. Likewise, a woman who thinks she’s unintelligent will admit freely, “I’m really bad at math. I can hardly add two plus two.”

This kind of self-denigration is not as uncommon as one might think. Listen to yourself in the weeks to come. You might be surprised by how often you emphasize your faults to your friends. While you’re babbling about all of your inadequacies, the listener is formulating his impressions of you. He will later see you and treat you according to the evidence that you’ve provided. After all, you’re the expert on that subject.

This understanding is particularly important for children, who should be taught what I call a “no-knock policy” by their parents. Kids should learn that constant self-ridicule can simply become a bad habit.

There’s a big difference between accepting blame when it’s valid and simply chattering about one’s inferiority. It really boils down to this—self-respect breeds respect among others. Children are fully capable of understanding that fact.

Princess Diana

Diana, princess of Wales, was arguably one of the most glamorous and beautiful women in the world. Paparazzi hounded her for photographs right to the last moments of her life. During the latter years, Diana could generate more support for a particular cause or charity than any other celebrity.

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Given this enormous influence—this glamour and beauty—isn’t it interesting that the princess disliked what she saw in the mirror? She struggled with a poor body image that led to an eating disorder known as bulimia. How could a woman of such remarkable charm fall victim to self-loathing and depression?

Perhaps Diana’s poor self-concept wasn’t as strange as it might have seemed. Our value system, promoted so vigorously by Hollywood and the entertainment industry, is arranged so that very few women feel particularly good about their physical appearance. Even the Miss America or Miss Universe competitors will admit, if they’re honest, that they are aware of their physical flaws. If those who are blessed with great beauty often deal with self-hatred, imagine how immature, gangly teenagers feel about the imperfect bodies with which they’re born.

The beauty cult infects hundreds of millions of people with a sense of inadequacy and inferiority. Indeed, even Diana, princess of Wales, fell into its snare.

The Most Rejected Man of His Time

He began his life with all the classic handicaps and disadvantages. His mother was a dominating woman who found it difficult to love anyone. She gave him no affection, no training, and no discipline during his early years. When he was thirteen, a school psychologist commented that he probably didn’t even know the meaning of the word love. During adolescence, the girls would have nothing to do with him and he fought with the boys.

After failing at every pursuit, including a stint in the U.S. Marine Corps, he fled the country. He married a Russian girl, but she also began to hold him in contempt. She could outfight him, and she learned to bully him. Finally, she forced him to leave.

After days of loneliness, he went home, fell on his knees, and literally begged her to take him back. He wept at her feet, but she laughed at him and made fun of his sexual impotency in front of a friend. Finally, he pleaded no more. No one wanted him. No one had ever wanted him. He was perhaps the most rejected man of his time.

The next day he was a strangely different man. He arose, went to the garage, and took down a rifle he had hidden there. He carried it with him to his newly acquired job at a book-storage building. And from a window on the sixth floor of that building, shortly after noon, November 22, 1963, he sent two shells crashing into the head of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

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Lee Harvey Oswald—the rejected, unlovable failure—killed the man who, more than any other person on earth, embodied all the success, beauty, wealth, and family affection that Oswald lacked. In firing that rifle, he utilized the one skill he had learned in his entire, miserable lifetime.

Barbie and Her Pals

Many years ago I wrote in one of my books that I didn’t like what Barbie dolls did to little girls who played with them. Parents still ask why I feel that way.

Let me begin by admitting that my daughter played with Barbie dolls for years, despite my own views on this subject. I just didn’t have the heart to take them away from her. Nevertheless, I wished Barbie would go away. There could be no better method for teaching the worship of beauty and materialism than is modeled by these dolls. If we intentionally sought to drill our little girls on the necessity of growing up rich and gorgeous, we could do no better than has already been done.

Did you ever see an ugly Barbie doll? Has she ever had even the slightest imperfection? No chance! She oozes femininity and sex appeal. Her hair is thick and gleaming— loaded with “body” (whatever that is). Her airbrushed skin is without flaw or blemish (except for a little statement on her bottom that says she was “Made in Hong Kong”). Such an idealized image creates later pressures when a real-life thirteen-year-old takes her first long look in the mirror. No doubt about it—Barbie she ain’t!

In short, I’m philosophically opposed to these dolls primarily because they establish unrealistic expectations in years to come. That’s my first concern. I’ll share the second in my next commentary.

Teenie Barbies

I’ve discussed my concerns about Barbie dolls and their impact on little girls who become absorbed with them. They create an image of physical perfection that most girls will never be able to meet. I’m convinced that many self-image problems in the teen years are linked to a standard of beauty that is emphasized throughout childhood.

There is another concern that worries me. Barbie dolls (and their many competitors) usher girls into adolescent experiences long before they are ready for them. Instead of three- and four-year-old girls playing with stuffed animals, balls, cars, model horses, and the traditional memorabilia of childhood, they are learning to fantasize about life as a teenager. Barbie and her boyfriend, Ken, go on dates, learn to dance, drive expensive sports cars, get sun tans, take camping trips, exchange marriage vows, and

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have babies (hopefully in that order). The entire adolescent culture, with its emphasis on sexual awareness, is illustrated to very young girls, who ought to be thinking about more childish things. This places them on an unnatural timetable likely to reach the peak of sexual interest several years before it is due—with all the obvious implications for their social and emotional health.

Regardless of what you do with Barbie and her gorgeous buddies, I strongly recommend that you postpone the adolescent experience until your children get there. They will have plenty of time afterward to be bona fide teenagers.

No More Showers

When I was a teenager, all the students were required to shower after gym class at school. The coach would look us over to make sure we were clean before sending us on our way. Students who didn’t shower didn’t receive a passable grade. But those days are just about over. The heightening sensitivity of kids today makes them unwilling to disrobe in front of one another. They vary so much in maturity during the middle school years that some are grown and others are still little prepubescent kids. Thus, it is humiliating for the undeveloped youngster to put his or her body on display in front of the wolf pack.

I served as a school psychologist in earlier days and dealt with this problem. I remember a high school sophomore who absolutely refused to shower because of the ridicule he was getting. After seeing what was happening, I agreed that he shouldn’t be forced to humiliate himself in front of his friends five days a week. I successfully pled his case to the coach.

That lad’s reaction was unusual twenty years ago. Today it is common. The body consciousness of our culture has sensitized many children and teenagers to their imperfections. Thus, school showers are being phased out. Another reason is that coaches and teachers have become leery of false charges of sexual abuse.

The outcome? Teachers have to work in classrooms populated by adolescents who smell like gymnasiums—or worse. It’s a sign of the times.

This material is excerpted from Dr. Dobson’s book Dr. Dobson’s Handbook of Family Advice (Copyright 1996/1998, Published by Harvest House Publishers) and is used with permission.

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