Module 3 - Graded Learning Activity #2

Eliminating Wordiness 509

Avoiding Pointless Repetition of Meaning Pointless repetition of meaning is a special kind of deadwood. Aside from

adding useless words, such repetition reflects writers' lack of confidence in themselves-their fear that their point will not be clear unless they make it twice. Unfortunately, this overemphasis usually suggests sloppy thinking to the

reader rather than a desire for accuracy.

POINTLESS REPETITION IMPROVED

Our streams are filthy and dirty. Our streams are filthy. This approach could end ina cata-

strophic conclusion. The author gives examples of different and varied criticisms of

This approach could end

catastrophically. The author gives examples of different criticisms of the novel.

the novel.

Some early critics of Jonathan Swift called him an insane madman suffering from the symptoms of mental disease.

Some early critics of Jonathan Swift called him insane.

There is no question about the worth and value of an education.

There is no question about the value of an education.

He has no feelings.He has no emotional feelings. Each and every person ought to read a newspaper.

Everyone ought to read a

newspaper.

XERCISE Point out any instances of deadwood and pointless repetition in the following sentences.

1. At this point in time, we have no travel plans. 2. In my opinion, I think depression is a terrible kind of illness. 3. We have ignored and neglected the basic fundamental essentials for too

long a period of time. 4. Men and women of both sexes must join the combat to fight for a better

world.

5. Sleepy and tired, he looked drained and exhausted.

Cutting Wordy Clauses One of the most effective ways of reducing wordiness is to cut a cumbersome

clause into a shorter phrase or, if possible, a single word. This clause cutting can result in a tighter, more economical structure, with the phrase or word

more firmly incorporated into the sentence than the original clause ever was.

CHAPTER 23 EffectiveSentences

510 IMPROVEDD

WORDY CLAUSE Some of the more

enthusiastic

Some of the students who were more students

wrote an extra paper.

enthusiastic wrote an extra paper. The ghost story was very exciting.

The story was very exciting. It was

all about ghosts. Alexander the Great tried to

Alexander the Great was a man who

tried to conquer the world.

Conquer the world.

The applause, which sounded like a

thunderclap, shook the auditorium.

The applause shook the

auditorium like a thunderclap.

Avoiding Delay of Subject The phrases there is, there has, it is, and it has-in all tenses-are frequent

causes of wordiness. Nothing is wrong with these phrases in themselves; they

are necessary parts of the language, and some thoughts might be inexpressible

without them. Too often, however, they are used carelessly and delay a sentence

or clause from getting down to business. In the following examples, the original

sentences begin with words that have no more purpose than the throat-clearing

noises made by a speaker before a talk. The revised sentences begin with

important words, words that communicate the central concern of each sentence.

WORDY DELAY IMPROVED

There are too many people who

care only for themselves.

Too many people care only for

themselves.

It has often been commented

on by great philosophers that

philosophy solves nothing.

Great philosophers have oftern

commented that philosophy

solves nothing.

There have been a number of A number of conflicting studies

have been made of urban conflicting studies made of urban

problems. problems.

It was on December 7, 1941, that

the Japarnese attacked the U.S.

fleet at Pearl Harbor.

On December 7, 1941, the

Japanese attacked the U.S. fleet

at Pearl Harbor.

XERCISE Rewrite these sentences to make them more economical, cutting clauses and

eliminating wordy delay of subject wherever possible.

1. There have been many complicated plans that have been proposed to

reduce the number of nuclear weapons that are stationed in Europe.

gnizing Passive and Active Verbs_ 511

2. Many people who frequently travel by plane may experience some delays,

which are caused by new airport security measures recently put in place.

3. The idea of a guaranteed annual wage is a notion that conflicts with

many traditional middle-class values. 4. Another time, when he was shown the list of the names of the otticers

who had been appointed to serve under him at the Battle of Waterloo, the Duke commented, "I don't know if they will frighten the French,

but, by Gad, they terrify me!" 5. It was an agonizingly difficult decision to make.

Recognizing Passive and Active Verbs In most Bnglish sentences, the subject performs an action.

John likes this poem. The critic saw the movie. The senator is going to vote for the bill.

The verb in such sentences is said to be in the active voice. The active voice is

direct, clear, and concise; in most sentences, it is what we expect. Too often, however, instead of using the active voice, writers substitute the

more stilted passive voice. A verb in the passive voice combines a form of to be with the past participle of the verb: is given, has been delivered, was mailed, and so

on. Thus, instead of acting, the subject of the sentence is acted upon.

This poem is liked by John. The movie was seen by the critic.

The bill is going to be voted for by the senator.

Compared to the active voice, the passive is generally awkward, exceedingly

formal, and wordy. It is better to write "This paper will analyze the story" than

"The story will be analyzed in this paper." It is better to write "My sociology teacher offered some challenging insights into contemporary problems" than "Some challenging insights into contemporary problems were offered by my

sociology teacher."

On occasion, the passive voice doesn't sound bad, of course. Such occasions

may arise when the actor is unknown, insignificant, or nonexistent, or when a

deliberately impersonal tone is required. Don't be afraid of the passive when it seems normal and unforced-as in the last part of the preceding sentence-

but always be alert to its dangers. When you use the passive voice, you should

always have a reason for choosing it over the active voice.

Here are a few examples of perfectly acceptable passives:

The game was delayed because of rain. The eighteenth century has been called the Age of Enlightenment. Your prompt attention to this request for payment will be appreciated.

512 CHAPTER 23 Effective Sentences

EXERCISE Change the passive voice to the active voice wherever appropriate in the

following sentences. . Fewer novels are being read by teenagers these days. At the corner restaurant, all of the tacos are freshly made each day.

3. The director was convicted of embezzling funds and using the money

for herself. 4Ihe doctor was advised to get malpractice insurance by his lawyer

5. The victim was pronounced dead on arrival by the coroner

Correcting Faulty Parallelism What Is Parallelism?

Essentialy, parallelism means expressing ideas and facts of equal (or coordi- nate or "parallel") importance in the same grammatical form. We do it all the

time, almost unconsciously.

(a group of four nouns) The store was filled with chairs, tables, sofas, and lamps.

He came home, ate dinner, and went to bed. (three verb phrases)

(three nouns)You can get there by car, bus, or plane.

I thought the climactic episode in the story

was shocking, offveat, and amusing. (three adjectives)

Parallel grammatical structure reinforces a writer's thoughts by stressing the parallel importance of the various sentence elements, and so makes life easier for the reader. Many of the most famous phrases in our language draw strength

in part from effective use of parallelism:

... life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness

of the people, by the people, and for the

people.

(group of three nouns)

(three prepositional phrases)

Love me or leave me. (two imperatives) Early to bed and early to rise/Makes a man

healthy, and wealthy, and wise.

I come to bury Caesar, not fo praise him.

(two intinitives/ three

adjectives) (two infinitives with

objects)

(three independent clauses)

I came, I saw, I conguered.

Better be safe than sorry. (two adjectives)

516 CHAPTER 23 Effective Sentences

UNSUBORDINATED SUBORDINATED

Professor Jones is terribly sarcastic. He is also a tough grader. It is true that he knows his subject. Most

students dislike him, however.

Despite Professor Jones' knowl-

edge of his subject, most students dislike him because of his terrible

sarcasm and tough grading.

EXERCISERew the following sentences, making effective use of subordination.

.Some scientists are skeptical about life on other planets. Astronomers

calculate that there are many Earth-like planets. Some evidence exists

that microbes once survived on Mars. 2. Good writing does not happen by accident. Inexperienced writers

believe in inspiration. Professionals know that good writing requires hard work.

3. Everything I like to eat is fattening. Everything I like to eat is also

unhealthy. I know I should eat more salads and fresh vegetables. I hate

them, however. I don't think I will ever be able to change. 4. "Ping-Pong" is a childish name for a real sport. It shows that most

Americans look down on it. The grown-up name is "table tennis." It is a sport that is taken seriously almost everywhere else in the world, andit is played with great skill and ferocity.

5. Most Texans know what to do in case of a tornado. They have endured more tornadoes in the last forty years than any other state.

Improving Sentence Variety Readers frequently find themselves struggling to concentrate on a string

of sentences even though nothing obvious seems to be wrong. Sentence by sentence, in fact, the author may be writing perfectly well. Put the sentences together, though, and monotony sets in. The monotony can usually be attrib uted either to a series of sentences that are all, or nearly all, of the same length or

the same structure.

Varying Sentence Length Sentences come short, medium, and long-and the simple principle for « fectivewriting is to try for variety. Don't take this principle more rigidly than it's intended. Don't assume, for instance, that every single short sen- tence must be followed by a long one, and vice versa. A string of short or

long sentences can sometimes be effective, providing that it is eventually

Eliminating Wordiness 509

Avoiding Pointless Repetition of Meaning Pointless repetition of meaning is a special kind of deadwood. Aside from

adding useless words, such repetition reflects writers' lack of confidence in themselves-their fear that their point will not be clear unless they make it twice. Unfortunately, this overemphasis usually suggests sloppy thinking to the

reader rather than a desire for accuracy.

POINTLESS REPETITION IMPROVED

Our streams are filthy and dirty. Our streams are filthy. This approach could end ina cata-

strophic conclusion. The author gives examples of different and varied criticisms of

This approach could end

catastrophically. The author gives examples of different criticisms of the novel.

the novel.

Some early critics of Jonathan Swift called him an insane madman suffering from the symptoms of mental disease.

Some early critics of Jonathan Swift called him insane.

There is no question about the worth and value of an education.

There is no question about the value of an education.

He has no feelings.He has no emotional feelings. Each and every person ought to read a newspaper.

Everyone ought to read a

newspaper.

XERCISE Point out any instances of deadwood and pointless repetition in the following sentences.

1. At this point in time, we have no travel plans. 2. In my opinion, I think depression is a terrible kind of illness. 3. We have ignored and neglected the basic fundamental essentials for too

long a period of time. 4. Men and women of both sexes must join the combat to fight for a better

world.

5. Sleepy and tired, he looked drained and exhausted.

Cutting Wordy Clauses One of the most effective ways of reducing wordiness is to cut a cumbersome

clause into a shorter phrase or, if possible, a single word. This clause cutting can result in a tighter, more economical structure, with the phrase or word

more firmly incorporated into the sentence than the original clause ever was.

CHAPTER 23 EffectiveSentences

510 IMPROVEDD

WORDY CLAUSE Some of the more

enthusiastic

Some of the students who were more students

wrote an extra paper.

enthusiastic wrote an extra paper. The ghost story was very exciting.

The story was very exciting. It was

all about ghosts. Alexander the Great tried to

Alexander the Great was a man who

tried to conquer the world.

Conquer the world.

The applause, which sounded like a

thunderclap, shook the auditorium.

The applause shook the

auditorium like a thunderclap.

Avoiding Delay of Subject The phrases there is, there has, it is, and it has-in all tenses-are frequent

causes of wordiness. Nothing is wrong with these phrases in themselves; they

are necessary parts of the language, and some thoughts might be inexpressible

without them. Too often, however, they are used carelessly and delay a sentence

or clause from getting down to business. In the following examples, the original

sentences begin with words that have no more purpose than the throat-clearing

noises made by a speaker before a talk. The revised sentences begin with

important words, words that communicate the central concern of each sentence.

WORDY DELAY IMPROVED

There are too many people who

care only for themselves.

Too many people care only for

themselves.

It has often been commented

on by great philosophers that

philosophy solves nothing.

Great philosophers have oftern

commented that philosophy

solves nothing.

There have been a number of A number of conflicting studies

have been made of urban conflicting studies made of urban

problems. problems.

It was on December 7, 1941, that

the Japarnese attacked the U.S.

fleet at Pearl Harbor.

On December 7, 1941, the

Japanese attacked the U.S. fleet

at Pearl Harbor.

XERCISE Rewrite these sentences to make them more economical, cutting clauses and

eliminating wordy delay of subject wherever possible.

1. There have been many complicated plans that have been proposed to

reduce the number of nuclear weapons that are stationed in Europe.

gnizing Passive and Active Verbs_ 511

2. Many people who frequently travel by plane may experience some delays,

which are caused by new airport security measures recently put in place.

3. The idea of a guaranteed annual wage is a notion that conflicts with

many traditional middle-class values. 4. Another time, when he was shown the list of the names of the otticers

who had been appointed to serve under him at the Battle of Waterloo, the Duke commented, "I don't know if they will frighten the French,

but, by Gad, they terrify me!" 5. It was an agonizingly difficult decision to make.

Recognizing Passive and Active Verbs In most Bnglish sentences, the subject performs an action.

John likes this poem. The critic saw the movie. The senator is going to vote for the bill.

The verb in such sentences is said to be in the active voice. The active voice is

direct, clear, and concise; in most sentences, it is what we expect. Too often, however, instead of using the active voice, writers substitute the

more stilted passive voice. A verb in the passive voice combines a form of to be with the past participle of the verb: is given, has been delivered, was mailed, and so

on. Thus, instead of acting, the subject of the sentence is acted upon.

This poem is liked by John. The movie was seen by the critic.

The bill is going to be voted for by the senator.

Compared to the active voice, the passive is generally awkward, exceedingly

formal, and wordy. It is better to write "This paper will analyze the story" than

"The story will be analyzed in this paper." It is better to write "My sociology teacher offered some challenging insights into contemporary problems" than "Some challenging insights into contemporary problems were offered by my

sociology teacher."

On occasion, the passive voice doesn't sound bad, of course. Such occasions

may arise when the actor is unknown, insignificant, or nonexistent, or when a

deliberately impersonal tone is required. Don't be afraid of the passive when it seems normal and unforced-as in the last part of the preceding sentence-

but always be alert to its dangers. When you use the passive voice, you should

always have a reason for choosing it over the active voice.

Here are a few examples of perfectly acceptable passives:

The game was delayed because of rain. The eighteenth century has been called the Age of Enlightenment. Your prompt attention to this request for payment will be appreciated.

512 CHAPTER 23 Effective Sentences

EXERCISE Change the passive voice to the active voice wherever appropriate in the

following sentences. . Fewer novels are being read by teenagers these days. At the corner restaurant, all of the tacos are freshly made each day.

3. The director was convicted of embezzling funds and using the money

for herself. 4Ihe doctor was advised to get malpractice insurance by his lawyer

5. The victim was pronounced dead on arrival by the coroner

Correcting Faulty Parallelism What Is Parallelism?

Essentialy, parallelism means expressing ideas and facts of equal (or coordi- nate or "parallel") importance in the same grammatical form. We do it all the

time, almost unconsciously.

(a group of four nouns) The store was filled with chairs, tables, sofas, and lamps.

He came home, ate dinner, and went to bed. (three verb phrases)

(three nouns)You can get there by car, bus, or plane.

I thought the climactic episode in the story

was shocking, offveat, and amusing. (three adjectives)

Parallel grammatical structure reinforces a writer's thoughts by stressing the parallel importance of the various sentence elements, and so makes life easier for the reader. Many of the most famous phrases in our language draw strength

in part from effective use of parallelism:

... life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness

of the people, by the people, and for the

people.

(group of three nouns)

(three prepositional phrases)

Love me or leave me. (two imperatives) Early to bed and early to rise/Makes a man

healthy, and wealthy, and wise.

I come to bury Caesar, not fo praise him.

(two intinitives/ three

adjectives) (two infinitives with

objects)

(three independent clauses)

I came, I saw, I conguered.

Better be safe than sorry. (two adjectives)

516 CHAPTER 23 Effective Sentences

UNSUBORDINATED SUBORDINATED

Professor Jones is terribly sarcastic. He is also a tough grader. It is true that he knows his subject. Most

students dislike him, however.

Despite Professor Jones' knowl-

edge of his subject, most students dislike him because of his terrible

sarcasm and tough grading.

EXERCISERew the following sentences, making effective use of subordination.

.Some scientists are skeptical about life on other planets. Astronomers

calculate that there are many Earth-like planets. Some evidence exists

that microbes once survived on Mars. 2. Good writing does not happen by accident. Inexperienced writers

believe in inspiration. Professionals know that good writing requires hard work.

3. Everything I like to eat is fattening. Everything I like to eat is also

unhealthy. I know I should eat more salads and fresh vegetables. I hate

them, however. I don't think I will ever be able to change. 4. "Ping-Pong" is a childish name for a real sport. It shows that most

Americans look down on it. The grown-up name is "table tennis." It is a sport that is taken seriously almost everywhere else in the world, andit is played with great skill and ferocity.

5. Most Texans know what to do in case of a tornado. They have endured more tornadoes in the last forty years than any other state.

Improving Sentence Variety Readers frequently find themselves struggling to concentrate on a string

of sentences even though nothing obvious seems to be wrong. Sentence by sentence, in fact, the author may be writing perfectly well. Put the sentences together, though, and monotony sets in. The monotony can usually be attrib uted either to a series of sentences that are all, or nearly all, of the same length or

the same structure.

Varying Sentence Length Sentences come short, medium, and long-and the simple principle for « fectivewriting is to try for variety. Don't take this principle more rigidly than it's intended. Don't assume, for instance, that every single short sen- tence must be followed by a long one, and vice versa. A string of short or

long sentences can sometimes be effective, providing that it is eventually