Management project

I need help to correct some mistakes in n my work This is the professor comments(Project Purpose
Starting in the second paragraph using the words "Mr. Brown" makes it sound as if he is doing the project work.  Mr. Brown is the Sponsor and the Customer, he's paying for the project   the wording should be "the project"
Project Description (caps)
Take out references to Mr. Brown it's the project.
The project will include efficiency testing through analysis testing.    The project will include a web ordering system . . .      The hardware and software will be secure  ....    
How are you going to provide training to customers?    The website should have help screens perhaps.   
Also need to include in the Project Description the renovations to the building and training of the employees.
The Project Description should give the big picture of what the project includes.   See other comments below.You've included Stakeholders here for work that is not identified in the Project Description )