family dynamic

FAMILY OF ORIGIN

My family of origin consisted of my mother, Myra, and my father, Edward Sr. In that union, two children were born: my brother, Edward Jr., better known as Killa, and me. When I was about 8 years old, my mother and father got a divorce. When my mother and father got divorced, my brother and I moved in with my mother’s parents, Papa and Momma Mae. Even before the divorce, we would spend a lot of time at my grandparents’ house. My mother relocated to another city to get a job. My father remarried his new wife, Brenda, who already had a daughter, Elbone, whom my father adopted as his own. My father and stepmother had two children together: my sister, Desire, and my brother, Elliot. My brother Killa and I are extremely close; we went through a lot together as kids, watching our parents in toxic relationships and living in that toxic environment. I remember growing up, my mom seemed lazy, more laid back, like she did the bare minimum when it came to us. For example, combing my hair was always one ponytail, and cooking was always the same meal. She didn’t even attend any school functions. My dad was never home; either he was at work or out in the streets. He took care of us financially but was never around when it mattered the most. My grandparents were loving and nurturing; they took time out with us and were always so patient and protective when it came to my brother and me. My stepmother was nice until she married my dad, then she changed into the evil stepmother. She didn’t want my dad to give us anything extra; she wanted it all for herself and her kids. My sister Elbone and I always got along well. Desire and Elliot were so much younger than I; we didn’t have much in common with one another. If it wasn’t for my maternal grandparents, I don’t know where I would be today mentally, because they loved what they gave was impactful on my life today.

FAMILY ROLES

Here are the six roles:

1. Chief Enabler: Momma Mae

 My grandmother would be the Chief Enabler, and the only reason I would say that is because she is the person who can’t tell him no when my brother Killa asks for money. She would tell him right from wrong, but her reason for giving in to him was that she didn’t want him to go steal it. I felt that maybe that’s what he needed to go to jail, because that would be the only time I wouldn’t worry about him being killed or dying of an overdose. She is just that type of person, honestly, she can’t say no to anyone, but especially my brother and me, because she raised us like one of her own kids. She is a loving and caring person, and very kind-hearted. She would take the shirt off her back for a stranger if she had to. She is the type of person you feel safe with; she loves taking care of others. I think that’s why she is so blessed today. My grandmother is 101 years old and still in her right state of mind. She is still able to feed, bathe, walk & talk, basically can take care of herself. For her age, she is healthy and never complains about a thing. In my opinion, she was put on this earth to take care of others, and that’s why now everyone is taking care of her.

2. Family Hero: Elbone

My sister Elbone would be the family hero; she is the one who is educated. Graduated with her bachelor's and master's and is working a six-figure job. She is the one who thinks she knows it all and has it all together, always giving out advice and telling others what they need to do to better their lives. But deep down inside, she is the one who feels unseen and is lonely.

3. Family Mascot: Me

I myself would be the family mascot. I tend to be the one who tries to keep everyone’s minds from wandering and thinking of the bad things that might happen. Always downplaying the situation and giving other reasons why certain situations might have occurred. I’m always acting silly or telling a joke, where the family just thinks I’m a comedian and fun to be around. The reason I do this is so my family won’t worry about the things my brother might be doing. I take all that worrying upon myself and give them peace.

4. Dependent: Dad

My dad would be the dependent. My dad is the type of man who is well respected in our little town. He once worked on the police force and is a retired Air Force veteran. A very proud man, so with that being said, he would get embarrassed when my brother would go to jail or someone would tell him he saw him somewhere because they had the same name; he couldn't lie and say it wasn’t his son. But he was also the person who could get favors from other policemen and judges to get my brother out of trouble.

5. Scapegoat: Killa

My brother Killa was the addict. After graduation, he went to college in New Orleans, Louisiana, and got hooked on heroin. He was the one who always fantasized about what if our parents had never gotten divorced, maybe life would have been different for us, meaning in material things. It bothers him, but not me. In high school, he was the basketball star and honor roll student. A lot of the boys were very jealous of him and used to bully him a lot. I think the drugs made him feel unafraid of people and gave him the courage he was always looking for when he was younger. After the drugs, he became a bully, and people would be scared of him.

6. Lost Child: Desire

My sister Desire would be the lost child. She’s the one who stays to herself, never says too much, and observes everything. She pulls away from the family. When we have family events, everyone is there but her, and if she does come around, it’s only to get her a plate of food, then she leaves. If my other sister and I invite her to go somewhere with us, she always declines but goes behind our backs and tells my dad that she feels left out, but that is what she chooses to do.

BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS, FAMILY DYNAMICS, RELATIONAL PATTERNS

The relationship I have today with my family is not the same relationship I had growing up. Today, we are closer and more protective of each other than before. When it comes to my siblings and even my parents. My older brother Killa and older sister Elbone I’m very close to them, we talk every day. My little brother and sister, because they are so much younger, we are not as close, but they know they can count on me whenever in need, and vice versa. My dad and I are close; we talk very often, and I even get along better with my stepmom since I’m older. I decided to let go of all the past hurt and make the best of it. My mom and I talk daily, even though I love her dearly, she can be a trigger for me. She is the type of person who is very judgmental and always has something negative to say, but I have learned how to deal with her as well. My grandfather is now deceased, but my grandmother is still living and doing well at 101. She is the one I feel I owe my life to. Without my grandparents, I would never have lived a stable life or gotten unconditional love as I did when I was a child. They were the glue that kept me going.

Me and my brother Killa and I grew up differently from my siblings with my dad. They lived in the big fancy house, and my dad bought all of them cars while my brother Killa and I didn’t have any of that. I always felt like my dad’s wife wanted him to just focus on the kids they had together and us. My grandparents made sure to fill that void and did what they could for us. We might not have had all the material things, but we never lack love and attention. We always had food and clothes on our backs. My grandmother even babysat my siblings on my dad's side. That is how we got to spend a lot of time together growing up. My mom would come around when I asked her to come, like for example, if I had a homecoming dance or prom, she would take me shopping and stay the weekend, so I would be able to attend. I always felt like my mom kind of resented me and my brother because we looked just like my dad, and she hated him. We felt like she divorced us, along with my dad.

SIGNIFICANT LIFE EVENTS AND LESSONS

Describe significant events that impacted you and your family. Discuss family traditions, behaviors, values, beliefs, “life-lessons” that your family of origin passed on to you. Are there any behaviors, values, beliefs, or traditions that you currently endorse but your family of origin rejects or disagrees with? If so, how does this impact family members and/or family relationships?

The most significant event that impacted me and my family was my brother's drug use. This situation took a toll on each and every one of us. We all had a lot of worry and sleepless nights, wondering if he was safe or not. I always said I know too much about a person being addicted to drugs. I could tell when he was high or withdrawing from it. I have visited more jails than I should have. The one tradition my family had growing up was that my grandparents would host New Year's Day every year. The whole family would gather, including my mom’s siblings, cousins, and friends. This tradition has been going on since I was a baby. Once my grandfather died, it stopped at my grandparents’ house, and my mom’s baby brother picked up the tradition. That’s one thing my family believes in: getting together for holidays, and we still do that as of today. My family is big on religion, the power of prayer, and this is something that I have passed on to my kids. That is when times get rough, we turn to God and pray about it before reacting, trusting and believing in his word.

SELF-DESCRIPTION AND FAMILY INFLUENCE

The impact my mom and dad had on me left me with abandonment issues. I grew up having resistance towards them for a long time. I felt that my mom had moved away and left us with my grandparents to start a new life for herself. My dad remarried and had kids, and focused on just the ones in his household, not me and my brother. It took years and therapy for me to heal and have a healthy relationship with both of my parents. All that hurt made me a better parent because I treat my kids the way I wanted to be treated. I tell them I love them daily, I speak life into them, and inspire them to be better than I ever was. It actually made me stronger and a wonderful wife.

My grandparents showed us so much love, and we didn’t have to hear it; we felt it in their actions. The food they would cook for us, washing our clothes, and taking us everywhere we needed to go. Making sure we had the essentials we needed daily. Love is all they had, and love is what they gave. That’s how I know what love feels like.

FAMILY OF ORIGIN

My family of origin consisted of my mother, Myra, and my father, Edward Sr. In that union, two children were born: my brother, Edward Jr., better known as Killa, and me. When I was about 8 years old, my mother and father got a divorce. When my mother and father got divorced, my brother and I moved in with my mother’s parents, Papa and Momma Mae. Even before the divorce, we would spend a lot of time at my grandparents’ house. My mother relocated to another city to get a job. My father remarried his new wife, Brenda, who already had a daughter, Elbone, whom my father adopted as his own. My father and stepmother had two children together: my sister, Desire, and my brother, Elliot. My brother Killa and I are extremely close; we went through a lot together as kids, watching our parents in toxic relationships and living in that toxic environment. I remember growing up, my mom seemed lazy, more laid back, like she did the bare minimum when it came to us. For example, combing my hair was always one ponytail, and cooking was always the same meal. She didn’t even attend any school functions. My dad was never home; either he was at work or out in the streets. He took care of us financially but was never around when it mattered the most. My grandparents were loving and nurturing; they took time out with us and were always so patient and protective when it came to my brother and me. My stepmother was nice until she married my dad, then she changed into the evil stepmother. She didn’t want my dad to give us anything extra; she wanted it all for herself and her kids. My sister Elbone and I always got along well. Desire and Elliot were so much younger than I; we didn’t have much in common with one another. If it wasn’t for my maternal grandparents, I don’t know where I would be today mentally, because they loved what they gave was impactful on my life today.

FAMILY ROLES

Here are the six roles:

1. Chief Enabler: Momma Mae

 My grandmother would be the Chief Enabler, and the only reason I would say that is because she is the person who can’t tell him no when my brother Killa asks for money. She would tell him right from wrong, but her reason for giving in to him was that she didn’t want him to go steal it. I felt that maybe that’s what he needed to go to jail, because that would be the only time I wouldn’t worry about him being killed or dying of an overdose. She is just that type of person, honestly, she can’t say no to anyone, but especially my brother and me, because she raised us like one of her own kids. She is a loving and caring person, and very kind-hearted. She would take the shirt off her back for a stranger if she had to. She is the type of person you feel safe with; she loves taking care of others. I think that’s why she is so blessed today. My grandmother is 101 years old and still in her right state of mind. She is still able to feed, bathe, walk & talk, basically can take care of herself. For her age, she is healthy and never complains about a thing. In my opinion, she was put on this earth to take care of others, and that’s why now everyone is taking care of her.

2. Family Hero: Elbone

My sister Elbone would be the family hero; she is the one who is educated. Graduated with her bachelor's and master's and is working a six-figure job. She is the one who thinks she knows it all and has it all together, always giving out advice and telling others what they need to do to better their lives. But deep down inside, she is the one who feels unseen and is lonely.

3. Family Mascot: Me

I myself would be the family mascot. I tend to be the one who tries to keep everyone’s minds from wandering and thinking of the bad things that might happen. Always downplaying the situation and giving other reasons why certain situations might have occurred. I’m always acting silly or telling a joke, where the family just thinks I’m a comedian and fun to be around. The reason I do this is so my family won’t worry about the things my brother might be doing. I take all that worrying upon myself and give them peace.

4. Dependent: Dad

My dad would be the dependent. My dad is the type of man who is well respected in our little town. He once worked on the police force and is a retired Air Force veteran. A very proud man, so with that being said, he would get embarrassed when my brother would go to jail or someone would tell him he saw him somewhere because they had the same name; he couldn't lie and say it wasn’t his son. But he was also the person who could get favors from other policemen and judges to get my brother out of trouble.

5. Scapegoat: Killa

My brother Killa was the addict. After graduation, he went to college in New Orleans, Louisiana, and got hooked on heroin. He was the one who always fantasized about what if our parents had never gotten divorced, maybe life would have been different for us, meaning in material things. It bothers him, but not me. In high school, he was the basketball star and honor roll student. A lot of the boys were very jealous of him and used to bully him a lot. I think the drugs made him feel unafraid of people and gave him the courage he was always looking for when he was younger. After the drugs, he became a bully, and people would be scared of him.

6. Lost Child: Desire

My sister Desire would be the lost child. She’s the one who stays to herself, never says too much, and observes everything. She pulls away from the family. When we have family events, everyone is there but her, and if she does come around, it’s only to get her a plate of food, then she leaves. If my other sister and I invite her to go somewhere with us, she always declines but goes behind our backs and tells my dad that she feels left out, but that is what she chooses to do.

BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS, FAMILY DYNAMICS, RELATIONAL PATTERNS

The relationship I have today with my family is not the same relationship I had growing up. Today, we are closer and more protective of each other than before. When it comes to my siblings and even my parents. My older brother Killa and older sister Elbone I’m very close to them, we talk every day. My little brother and sister, because they are so much younger, we are not as close, but they know they can count on me whenever in need, and vice versa. My dad and I are close; we talk very often, and I even get along better with my stepmom since I’m older. I decided to let go of all the past hurt and make the best of it. My mom and I talk daily, even though I love her dearly, she can be a trigger for me. She is the type of person who is very judgmental and always has something negative to say, but I have learned how to deal with her as well. My grandfather is now deceased, but my grandmother is still living and doing well at 101. She is the one I feel I owe my life to. Without my grandparents, I would never have lived a stable life or gotten unconditional love as I did when I was a child. They were the glue that kept me going.

Me and my brother Killa and I grew up differently from my siblings with my dad. They lived in the big fancy house, and my dad bought all of them cars while my brother Killa and I didn’t have any of that. I always felt like my dad’s wife wanted him to just focus on the kids they had together and us. My grandparents made sure to fill that void and did what they could for us. We might not have had all the material things, but we never lack love and attention. We always had food and clothes on our backs. My grandmother even babysat my siblings on my dad's side. That is how we got to spend a lot of time together growing up. My mom would come around when I asked her to come, like for example, if I had a homecoming dance or prom, she would take me shopping and stay the weekend, so I would be able to attend. I always felt like my mom kind of resented me and my brother because we looked just like my dad, and she hated him. We felt like she divorced us, along with my dad.

SIGNIFICANT LIFE EVENTS AND LESSONS

Describe significant events that impacted you and your family. Discuss family traditions, behaviors, values, beliefs, “life-lessons” that your family of origin passed on to you. Are there any behaviors, values, beliefs, or traditions that you currently endorse but your family of origin rejects or disagrees with? If so, how does this impact family members and/or family relationships?

The most significant event that impacted me and my family was my brother's drug use. This situation took a toll on each and every one of us. We all had a lot of worry and sleepless nights, wondering if he was safe or not. I always said I know too much about a person being addicted to drugs. I could tell when he was high or withdrawing from it. I have visited more jails than I should have. The one tradition my family had growing up was that my grandparents would host New Year's Day every year. The whole family would gather, including my mom’s siblings, cousins, and friends. This tradition has been going on since I was a baby. Once my grandfather died, it stopped at my grandparents’ house, and my mom’s baby brother picked up the tradition. That’s one thing my family believes in: getting together for holidays, and we still do that as of today. My family is big on religion, the power of prayer, and this is something that I have passed on to my kids. That is when times get rough, we turn to God and pray about it before reacting, trusting and believing in his word.

SELF-DESCRIPTION AND FAMILY INFLUENCE

The impact my mom and dad had on me left me with abandonment issues. I grew up having resistance towards them for a long time. I felt that my mom had moved away and left us with my grandparents to start a new life for herself. My dad remarried and had kids, and focused on just the ones in his household, not me and my brother. It took years and therapy for me to heal and have a healthy relationship with both of my parents. All that hurt made me a better parent because I treat my kids the way I wanted to be treated. I tell them I love them daily, I speak life into them, and inspire them to be better than I ever was. It actually made me stronger and a wonderful wife.

My grandparents showed us so much love, and we didn’t have to hear it; we felt it in their actions. The food they would cook for us, washing our clothes, and taking us everywhere we needed to go. Making sure we had the essentials we needed daily. Love is all they had, and love is what they gave. That’s how I know what love feels like.