English Editing Needs Suggested by the Read Aloud

Based on your classmate's recording of your writing, how might you improve the clarity of your paragraph?  Do you need to combine short, choppy sentences?  Make your sentences more concise?  Clarify your wording or restructure awkwardly structured sentences?  Vary your sentences, perhaps by using a combination of simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences?  Do tell!