English college writing

K.C. Hanson

English 1101

May 10, 2015

Stay with Your Husband:

Prince Charming Doesn’t Exist

My message is not for domestically abused women. It is not meant for any woman whose husband refuses to be a contributing factor to the marriage, whether it is financially, or emotionally. When you are in these situations, please run far away and protect yourself and your children. For the majority remainder of us who have a less-than-perfect husband, perhaps a husband who doesn’t know how to say the right things at the right time, who forgets our anniversary once in a while (or quite often), who doesn’t tell us that he loves us on a daily basis - normal things that doesn’t necessarily lead to the ending of the world, please keep a light and open heart and listen to what I have to say. These things may grind our gears, but they are not the end all to a marriage, and shouldn’t be used as a valid reason for alienating our marriage vows.

A harmonious marriage can be achieved if we keep in mind that men are different from women, and all the equality in the world cannot turn a woman into a man, naturally, and vice versa. Let’s look at this from a different lens and equip ourselves with the knowledge that we have more to gain than to lose should we choose to stay in our marriage. We can financially, emotionally, and socially benefit from keeping the husband around. Not only do we have more to gain than to lose when we stay with the imperfect husband, society will be better off if we keep and maintain a healthy household.

The feminist movement has paved a way for women to abandon what was originally required of us. Some people will give credit to this movement, for allowing women to leave the household, and for paving an easier path to divorce. While it is a triumph that women have gained equality and strength, most women still seek alimony and child support after a mutual agreement to divorce has been made. How can we say then, that we do not need a man in our life? Society today tells us that we are independent, but reality admits that we are still chained to the support of a man if the court orders him to pay for child support and alimony. Wouldn’t it be better then, to work out our differences with the less-than-perfect husband and allow him to be a father to our children without breaking up our household and marriage as long as he’s not physically or mentally abusing us?

Speaking of gains for women who stay with their husbands, some studies have shown that divorced women have poorer health and higher mental health problems (Lavelle, Lorenz, and Wickrama). It was stated that “roughly one in four women ages 18 to 64 is insured as a dependent on a family member’s (typically a husband’s) employer-based health insurance policy (Lavelle, Lorenz, and Wickrama 604). Therefore, divorce women would not have the easily accessible health insurance that they once had compared to when they were still married. The study (attributing their findings to Amato 2010, Carr and Springer 2010; Koball et al. 2010; Liu 2012), further stated that “Family demographers have documented that divorced men and women have, on average, poorer physical health and higher mortality rates than their married, never married, and widowed counterparts” (Lavelle, Lorenz, and Wickrama 602).

The majority of us, as we should, base the marriage on love. However, there comes a time in a marriage when that love can cease and dwindle. At a time when the love we had in our husband is no longer strong enough to bind us to him, we have to remember the commitment that we had made at the altar. If not, we will use the lack of “love” as a reason to abandon ship. I would like to use the example of arranged marriages to paint a clearer understanding of commitment.

I do not endorse arranged marriages; however, I would like you to understand that if we, in Western culture, are allowed to love and marry whomever we choose, we should stay married to the person whom we loved and have chosen even after that love has simmered down (in contrast to an arranged marriages where a woman did not get to choose whom she loved). What is interesting is that many people around the world are still practicing arranged marriages and matchmaking by choice. In an article from the Journal of Comparative Family Studies, research was done in an effort to see if it “could be helpful in improving the sad state of so many marriages in Western countries” (Epstein, Pandit, and Thakar 355). 30 participants who were in an arranged marriage were asked to share what made their marriages worked even without the love factor at the beginning, and the common answer was “commitment” (Epstein, Pandit, and Thakar). These couples who blindly entered a marriage started with commitment. The commitment brought upon the love. This can only conclude to the fact that when the strong love which had bound us together at the beginning of our marriage begins to break down, we must remember the commitment towards each other, to society, and to our family. After all, it is “’til death do us part,” unless you are in eminent danger if you do not part. With that said, I implore you to look deep down inside your heart and remember the commitment and the marital vow that you made to the husband at the altar.

Additionally, to further give and demonstrate the need for my message to be heard and absorbed into the mind of every capable women who are currently married (but not to the perfect husband), and leaning towards divorce, please allow me to introduce an article in the Journal Of Community Psychology which concluded that “male scarcity was associated with the proportion of families with low income, on public assistance, and having a single parent with a child or children. These factors may be associated with a lack of social control, crime, and other features of neighborhood disorganization” (Kruger, Daniel J., et al 123). As a matter of fact, it went on to say that “increasing the involvement of fathers in their children’s lives may be a fruitful approach for promoting healthy communities” (Kruger, Daniel J., et al 123).

Digging deeper into the issue of strong family ties and commitment, studies have shown “the positive empirical correlation among relational variables as enabling good family relationships to influence individual wellbeing and social cohesion” (Prandini 221). Furthermore, it is stated in another article that “most family theorist, politicians, and the majority of men and women in the community still believe that the family is the fundamental unit in society, although they may take a less rigid approach to how families should be constituted and function” (Wolcott 21). In conclusion, if we look at poorer communities where the crime rate is high, we can see that a lot of families in those communities consist of broken-up households. For the record, I am not stereotyping these communities and I am not shaming single mothers, but I would like to take a break from being politically correct and address the truth. I’m positive in my thinking, and I’m sure that more than one person would agree with me that: “family…seems like the building block of middle class America” (Hanson 2015).

With all that being said, I implore you to take a look at marriage from a different lens. We must shed ourselves of the unrealistic expectation that Prince Charming is out there. We are smart enough to know that men are less than perfect, and it is us who will be the complementary factor in making better men. In a gist, Prince Charming doesn’t exist because we are not the damsel in distress who’s waiting for him to come save us. We are very capable women who have an active role in making our marriages, our men, and society better.

To further state my plea, let’s not take away the fact that marriage is a sacred institution, a vow “’til death do us part,” since the beginning of time, regardless of your cultural or religious background. If marriage is simply a game of love that can be thrown away when it no longer suits us, why do gays and lesbians fight so hard for the equality of marriage that should be granted to them? I understand there are men out there who are jerks and do not make it easy for us to love them, or be in a domestic relationship with them. I cannot reach out to those men, but I can reach out to my fellow women. If we can remain true to our commitment and love our imperfect husband regardless, our children will be better off. The next generation of men will be better men who will better love the next generation of women through the marital commitment that we have instilled into their mind through maintaining a steady and healthy household for our young boys to grow up in. This is my plea.

Works Cited

Epstein, Robert, Mayuri Pandit, and Mansi Thakar. "How Love Emerges In Arranged Marriages:

Two Cross-Cultural Studies." Journal Of Comparative Family Studies 44.3 (2013): 341-360. EBSCO MegaFILE. Web. 4 May 2015.

Hanson, K.C. “Re: Persuasive Essay.” Message to the author. 29 April 2015. E-mail.

Kruger, Daniel J., et al. "Local Scarcity Of Adult Men Predicts Youth Assault Rates." Journal Of

Community Psychology 42.1 (2014): 119-125. EBSCO MegaFILE. Web. 10 May 2015.

Lavelle, Bridget, Frederick O. Lorenz, and K. A. S. Wickrama. "What Explains Divorced

Women's Poorer Health? The Mediating Role Of Health Insurance And Access To Health Care In A Rural Iowan Sample." Rural Sociology 77.4 (2012): 601-625. EBSCO MegaFILE. Web. 4 May 2015.

Prandini, Riccardo. "Family Relations As Social Capital." Journal Of Comparative Family

Studies 45.2 (2014): 221-234. EBSCO MegaFILE. Web. 4 May 2015.

Rauer, Amy, and Brenda Volling. "More Than One Way To Be Happy: A Typology Of Marital

Happiness." Family Process 52.3 (2013): 519-534. CINAHL Plus with Full Text. Web. 4 May 2015.

Samuels-Dennis, J. "Employment Status, Depressive Symptoms, And The

Mediating/Moderating Effects Of Single Mothers' Coping Repertoire." Public Health Nursing 24.6 (2007): 491-502. CINAHL Plus with Full Text. Web. 4 May 2015.

Wolcott, Ilene. "Strong Families And Satisfying Marriages." Family Matters 53 (1999): 21-30.

EBSCO MegaFILE. Web. 4 May 2015.

K.C. Hanson

English 1101

May 10, 2015

Stay with Your Husband:

Prince Charming Doesn’t Exist

My message is not for domestically abused women. It is not meant for any woman whose husband refuses to be a contributing factor to the marriage, whether it is financially, or emotionally. When you are in these situations, please run far away and protect yourself and your children. For the majority remainder of us who have a less-than-perfect husband, perhaps a husband who doesn’t know how to say the right things at the right time, who forgets our anniversary once in a while (or quite often), who doesn’t tell us that he loves us on a daily basis - normal things that doesn’t necessarily lead to the ending of the world, please keep a light and open heart and listen to what I have to say. These things may grind our gears, but they are not the end all to a marriage, and shouldn’t be used as a valid reason for alienating our marriage vows.

A harmonious marriage can be achieved if we keep in mind that men are different from women, and all the equality in the world cannot turn a woman into a man, naturally, and vice versa. Let’s look at this from a different lens and equip ourselves with the knowledge that we have more to gain than to lose should we choose to stay in our marriage. We can financially, emotionally, and socially benefit from keeping the husband around. Not only do we have more to gain than to lose when we stay with the imperfect husband, society will be better off if we keep and maintain a healthy household.

The feminist movement has paved a way for women to abandon what was originally required of us. Some people will give credit to this movement, for allowing women to leave the household, and for paving an easier path to divorce. While it is a triumph that women have gained equality and strength, most women still seek alimony and child support after a mutual agreement to divorce has been made. How can we say then, that we do not need a man in our life? Society today tells us that we are independent, but reality admits that we are still chained to the support of a man if the court orders him to pay for child support and alimony. Wouldn’t it be better then, to work out our differences with the less-than-perfect husband and allow him to be a father to our children without breaking up our household and marriage as long as he’s not physically or mentally abusing us?

Speaking of gains for women who stay with their husbands, some studies have shown that divorced women have poorer health and higher mental health problems (Lavelle, Lorenz, and Wickrama). It was stated that “roughly one in four women ages 18 to 64 is insured as a dependent on a family member’s (typically a husband’s) employer-based health insurance policy (Lavelle, Lorenz, and Wickrama 604). Therefore, divorce women would not have the easily accessible health insurance that they once had compared to when they were still married. The study (attributing their findings to Amato 2010, Carr and Springer 2010; Koball et al. 2010; Liu 2012), further stated that “Family demographers have documented that divorced men and women have, on average, poorer physical health and higher mortality rates than their married, never married, and widowed counterparts” (Lavelle, Lorenz, and Wickrama 602).

The majority of us, as we should, base the marriage on love. However, there comes a time in a marriage when that love can cease and dwindle. At a time when the love we had in our husband is no longer strong enough to bind us to him, we have to remember the commitment that we had made at the altar. If not, we will use the lack of “love” as a reason to abandon ship. I would like to use the example of arranged marriages to paint a clearer understanding of commitment.

I do not endorse arranged marriages; however, I would like you to understand that if we, in Western culture, are allowed to love and marry whomever we choose, we should stay married to the person whom we loved and have chosen even after that love has simmered down (in contrast to an arranged marriages where a woman did not get to choose whom she loved). What is interesting is that many people around the world are still practicing arranged marriages and matchmaking by choice. In an article from the Journal of Comparative Family Studies, research was done in an effort to see if it “could be helpful in improving the sad state of so many marriages in Western countries” (Epstein, Pandit, and Thakar 355). 30 participants who were in an arranged marriage were asked to share what made their marriages worked even without the love factor at the beginning, and the common answer was “commitment” (Epstein, Pandit, and Thakar). These couples who blindly entered a marriage started with commitment. The commitment brought upon the love. This can only conclude to the fact that when the strong love which had bound us together at the beginning of our marriage begins to break down, we must remember the commitment towards each other, to society, and to our family. After all, it is “’til death do us part,” unless you are in eminent danger if you do not part. With that said, I implore you to look deep down inside your heart and remember the commitment and the marital vow that you made to the husband at the altar.

Additionally, to further give and demonstrate the need for my message to be heard and absorbed into the mind of every capable women who are currently married (but not to the perfect husband), and leaning towards divorce, please allow me to introduce an article in the Journal Of Community Psychology which concluded that “male scarcity was associated with the proportion of families with low income, on public assistance, and having a single parent with a child or children. These factors may be associated with a lack of social control, crime, and other features of neighborhood disorganization” (Kruger, Daniel J., et al 123). As a matter of fact, it went on to say that “increasing the involvement of fathers in their children’s lives may be a fruitful approach for promoting healthy communities” (Kruger, Daniel J., et al 123).

Digging deeper into the issue of strong family ties and commitment, studies have shown “the positive empirical correlation among relational variables as enabling good family relationships to influence individual wellbeing and social cohesion” (Prandini 221). Furthermore, it is stated in another article that “most family theorist, politicians, and the majority of men and women in the community still believe that the family is the fundamental unit in society, although they may take a less rigid approach to how families should be constituted and function” (Wolcott 21). In conclusion, if we look at poorer communities where the crime rate is high, we can see that a lot of families in those communities consist of broken-up households. For the record, I am not stereotyping these communities and I am not shaming single mothers, but I would like to take a break from being politically correct and address the truth. I’m positive in my thinking, and I’m sure that more than one person would agree with me that: “family…seems like the building block of middle class America” (Hanson 2015).

With all that being said, I implore you to take a look at marriage from a different lens. We must shed ourselves of the unrealistic expectation that Prince Charming is out there. We are smart enough to know that men are less than perfect, and it is us who will be the complementary factor in making better men. In a gist, Prince Charming doesn’t exist because we are not the damsel in distress who’s waiting for him to come save us. We are very capable women who have an active role in making our marriages, our men, and society better.

To further state my plea, let’s not take away the fact that marriage is a sacred institution, a vow “’til death do us part,” since the beginning of time, regardless of your cultural or religious background. If marriage is simply a game of love that can be thrown away when it no longer suits us, why do gays and lesbians fight so hard for the equality of marriage that should be granted to them? I understand there are men out there who are jerks and do not make it easy for us to love them, or be in a domestic relationship with them. I cannot reach out to those men, but I can reach out to my fellow women. If we can remain true to our commitment and love our imperfect husband regardless, our children will be better off. The next generation of men will be better men who will better love the next generation of women through the marital commitment that we have instilled into their mind through maintaining a steady and healthy household for our young boys to grow up in. This is my plea.

Works Cited

Epstein, Robert, Mayuri Pandit, and Mansi Thakar. "How Love Emerges In Arranged Marriages:

Two Cross-Cultural Studies." Journal Of Comparative Family Studies 44.3 (2013): 341-360. EBSCO MegaFILE. Web. 4 May 2015.

Hanson, K.C. “Re: Persuasive Essay.” Message to the author. 29 April 2015. E-mail.

Kruger, Daniel J., et al. "Local Scarcity Of Adult Men Predicts Youth Assault Rates." Journal Of

Community Psychology 42.1 (2014): 119-125. EBSCO MegaFILE. Web. 10 May 2015.

Lavelle, Bridget, Frederick O. Lorenz, and K. A. S. Wickrama. "What Explains Divorced

Women's Poorer Health? The Mediating Role Of Health Insurance And Access To Health Care In A Rural Iowan Sample." Rural Sociology 77.4 (2012): 601-625. EBSCO MegaFILE. Web. 4 May 2015.

Prandini, Riccardo. "Family Relations As Social Capital." Journal Of Comparative Family

Studies 45.2 (2014): 221-234. EBSCO MegaFILE. Web. 4 May 2015.

Rauer, Amy, and Brenda Volling. "More Than One Way To Be Happy: A Typology Of Marital

Happiness." Family Process 52.3 (2013): 519-534. CINAHL Plus with Full Text. Web. 4 May 2015.

Samuels-Dennis, J. "Employment Status, Depressive Symptoms, And The

Mediating/Moderating Effects Of Single Mothers' Coping Repertoire." Public Health Nursing 24.6 (2007): 491-502. CINAHL Plus with Full Text. Web. 4 May 2015.

Wolcott, Ilene. "Strong Families And Satisfying Marriages." Family Matters 53 (1999): 21-30.

EBSCO MegaFILE. Web. 4 May 2015.