D3-MC

Hi and welcome to part two of this short little series where we're looking at communication, decision making, and conflict resolution for couples. In part one, we laid out a little bit of some core, basic foundational principles. And we covered the first three ground rules as you're working with couples to help in these areas so they can have vibrant and healthy relationships. Before we move on and we're going to cover rules four through seven in this segment, I was thinking about expectations. And the reality is most husbands and wives, they fell in love with each other because they spent time, they got to know what they like, they didn't like two. Let me go back to my pens from that I used in the first one. If two couples, since they were far apart on almost everything in life, most people would not marry at that point. They, we're just not that compatible. The reality is that husbands and wives who get married because they've spent some time dating, courting, whatever, understood, Hey, there's some compatibility. There's some overlap. What happens is stress, the stress of life, financial stress, kids, whatever. It drives us to our comfort zones, it drives us to where we feel. No, this is really good. But the reality is overlap probably still exists. We just have to help couples find it when you're thinking about finding that overlap, when there's no understanding, like we've talked about that in rule number three. What happens is the game, if I can use that or the issue becomes not, let's figure out what to do, right, as a couple. That's not the process. It's not what's right, but it becomes who's right. When the game becomes who's right. By definition, there's a winner and a loser. Listen, basketball court win, lose is okay. Even an armed conflict or a war win, lose is okay. But in a marriage, win, lose is not a good deal. You have to figure out how to help couples figure out how to make it a win win, that's the goal. All right, Let's pick up with Rule number four. And remember, these rules are now geared a little bit toward helping couples stay on the path that hopefully you have guided them to. Rule number four says this. I will focus on resolving the issues and not attempt to make my spouse or the relationship the problem. What happens when people get angry or frustrated? Or if there is some history of that? After a while, spouses stop talking to the issue and they start attacking the person. And when we feel like we are being blamed, when we're being made out to be the problem again, what kind of posture do we get into? We get into a defensive posture. We want to run to the nearest foxhole, grab or grenade and launch it back at the other person. What happens is when couples focus on making the other person the problem for any length of time, it actually goes beyond that and the relationship itself becomes a problem. For example, it might be, oh, let's say the checkbook is never balanced or money's not always spent wisely. And so couples are fussing with each other about that issue, right? Checkbook is not balanced issue. And that becomes, you know what, you are a bad financial manager, see the shift from issue to you're the problem. And then after a while it becomes, you know what, We just don't have a good marriage here and the relationship becomes the problem. I tell couples, listen, don't ever let the relationship become the problem. Because when husbands and wives make the relationship the problem, what is the way they solve the problem? The relationship, and they think that ends the problem, which isn't always the case. Avoid making the relationship the problem. And you have to work at not making each other the problem. Defensiveness is a great clue that a couple is getting off track. If one or the other person feels overly defensive, that means they're feeling attacked. And that should be a clue to help the couple say, hey, you've gotten off track here, you've got to get back on the issue and make the issue the problem, not get into the blame game. Okay? Rule number five. I will give myself and my spouse permission to take a time out from the discussion when it's requested as I have a part two here. As long as I also give a time frame when we will resume our talking or our problem solving, it's not enough just to say I'm done and walk away. It happens though, right? Oh, husband and wife are fussing in the kitchen. Someone gets frustrated and they say, I don't want to talk about it anymore. They get up, they walk down the hallway, often with their husband or wife in tow, fussing at them right behind them. Don't walk away from me, we're not done talking. It takes it into the bedroom. Nothing ever gets solved. It's probably better to help them learn how to call the time out. Research says there's actually some benefit to the counting to ten because it gives a person a chance to get out of their gut for a minute. Get out of their emotions into the head, calm down, think, breathe, and all those kinds of things. But my time out rule has a part B. There must be a time in. In other words, it's no fair just to walk away. Think of basketball again for a moment. Let me use that as an example. In basketball, each team is given six time outs, a half, right? They get, I believe, two minute timeouts and three 22nd timeouts. If the coach or the player calls a timeout and the referee blows the whistle, the referee doesn't look over at the coach or player and go, I'm going to give you the short one this time. Coach no, you called the timeout. You instruct me, short or long. Same thing in a marriage, it's like, okay, you're asking for some time or some space. Great. You're calling the time out. You tell me what you need. I tell couples, listen, anything between about 15:20 minutes and one overnight, depending on when the fun starts, is probably a reasonable time out. I remember talking to a couple once, one of the spouses said, yeah, but the Bible says don't let the sun set on your anger. In other words, pushing back a little bit on the time out. And I said, listen, if the fireworks started at 11:00 at night, the sun's been down for 3 hours. Don't sweat it. It's probably smarter to get a good night's sleep. Think about it, pray about it. Settle down a little bit and try to pick it up in the morning over a cup of coffee or something. We have to help people call effective timeouts when they're overly tired. When you know you're about to say something that you're going to regret or do something or it gets emotional. Those are all good times to call the time out. We just have to help couples understand, they must call the time in as well. Okay? Rule number six. I will accept a neutral place and a neutral time that's mutually satisfactory in order to discuss the issues of the problems and not give one partner an unfair advantage over the other. Again, when we feel like the sides aren't even when it's not balanced, when it's not fair, what posture do people get into defensive mode? That's not what we want. And so you have to be careful about unbalancing. Listen, human nature often tries to seek the high ground. The, the advantage, right? That sometimes, oh, we'll bring a friend or a family member into the argument, hey, whose side are you on, or whatever the case might be. I tell couples don't fuss at each other in the car. It's not a neutral place. What are you going to do if someone wants to call a timeout? Jump. You know, it doesn't work that way. And I remember I had a client years ago who worked at one of the tunnels in the Virginia Beach, Hampton Roads area. He monitored all that and there's no sound, but the cameras pick up a lot. And of course, they're always looking for traffic that stopped for a flat tire, an accident or a car breakdown or something. He sees traffic building up in the tunnel. Finds the right camera, zoos in, can't hear anything. But he zooms in on the car that apparently is stuck, and he sees two people in the front seat that look like they're having a pretty heated argument. The woman was driving and they're waving hands and you could tell that somebody both shouting. She gets out of the car, slams the door in the middle of the tunnel, stands there for a minute, opens the door again, yells something and then slams the door and starts walking out of the tunnel. Not a neutral place, right? Not a neutral time. Don't do it when you're both angry, don't do it. When you're both upset, you find the best way and the best time to do it if you have small children. I'll illustrate this point because if you've been a parent and you've had that 4567 year old that you have to have a little bit of a corrective conversation with. And you can sense that they're sort of resisting the jaw sticks out a little bit and they're just kind of like, no, we all have sense that as parents it's because of this rule. See, the child understands, The sides aren't even the parent is the giant. They have all the power, they have all the money. They have the car keys. And they know where the cookie jar is hidden. It's not fair. They're looking for a way to bring some balance back into the equation. That's why I tell parents of small children, if you have to have that conversation with your kid, I'll say go to their room and have it. Why? I know you're paying the rent or the mortgage, but they think it's their territory. And you'll actually see kids calm down a little bit. Or I'll say instead of towering above them, sit down on the bed. Or get down at eye level, because it takes away the height advantage. Human nature, I feel disadvantaged, so I get into a defensive posture. Um, adults, We're just more sophisticated about how we do it. But the principle remains and it's there. Okay, and then rule number seven, let's talk through that one before we wrap up. It says, I'll take ownership of and be completely accountable for my own feelings, thoughts, attitudes, behaviors without plain detective or blaming my spouse. This is difficult because when we're upset with our spouse or another person, we often want to say, what about you? Right? But as long as we're focused on what about you, right, the other person, what are we not tuned into or not willing to address what about me? It's pretty common that we have to help them turn that back into a place of accountability and responsibility. I said to a couple who were fussing and the husband, he was just a negative person in general, pretty critical. And I stopped the session. I looked at him, I said, listen, be careful about criticizing all of your wife's judgments. Look who she married. Are you telling her she made a poor choice in married? But I get it. Human nature wants to keep the focus out there because that's more comfortable, but that's not helpful. Let me give you a biblical example if I can. Do you remember post Resurrection, Jesus and Peter are having a little bit of fish breakfast. Although I can't say I've had fish for breakfast a lot, but it must be okay, culturally, they're having breakfast. Jesus is saying to Peter, do you love me? Remember that portion of scripture he asked him three times, do you love me, do you love me? And Peter, of course, says yes, yes, yes. It's his makeup test, right? He denied him three times. Now he's saying that he reaffirms his love in that conversation. If you read that portion of scripture, Jesus looks at Peter and he says, Peter, when you were young, you could go anywhere you wanted to, but when you grow old, you're going to be bound up and you're not going to be able to go where you want to go. The scripture even says that Jesus was speaking to Peter about what manner of death he was going to experience. Now, think about the conversation for a moment. They're having this very intimate, probably somewhat private conversation about his denials, reaffirming his love, and how he's going to be martyred. Do you remember Peter's response to Jesus in the moment? If you don't, let me quote it. Peter looked over at the disciple whom Jesus loved. John said, master. What about him? Do you see the human nature principle? What about him? Jesus, in essence said, and I'm paraphrasing, He said, Pete, tell you what? Right now we're talking about you, Why don't we stick with that Because he said to Peter, he said, What's that to you, Peter? You follow me. But human nature wants to go, but Lord, what about my wife? What about my hand? What about them? And God is often saying, yeah, let's talk about, what about you first? This next set of four rules, again, are to help a couple stay on track. When we have part three, we'll cover the last three rules and give a little wrap to this.