D2-MC Resp

Altavia Fonville

Jul 6 1:48pm

Reply from Altavia Fonville

Expectations, Assumptions, and Understanding in Marital Conflict

Healthy marital communication requires more than expressing feelings; it requires more than expressing feelings, but it requires an intentional order in how couples will approach conflict. According to Scalise’s teaching on “Communication, Decision Making, and Conflict Resolution,” many relational breakdowns take place not because of disagreement itself, but because of expectations not being met, assumptions being made, and a failure to really understand a spouse’s internal world. These three elements significantly shape whether confrontation becomes detrimental or beneficial.

Expectations

            Expectations are unavoidable in close relationships, but problems arise when they are not vocalized, when they are unrealistic, and assumed rather than communicated. Scalise highlights that couples often enter conflict believing that their expectations are clear and “obvious”, when in reality, they have not been communicated or defined. When couples don’t take the time to communicate expectations or expectations appear to be unclear, disappointment increases and emotional responses are heightened. Research supports this idea. Lavner, Karney, and Bradbury (2016) found that couples with higher clarity in communicated expectations demonstrate greater long-term relational satisfaction and lower conflict escalation. In simple terms, having clarity protects the connection.

            A practical example of this rule could be seen in a couple who is disagreeing about household tasks. One spouse may expect shared responsibility without actually vocalizing specific tasks, while the other spouse believes their contribution is enough. After a while resentment begins to build on both sides. Once expectations are discussed properly, the tension will decrease significantly. The issue was never a lack of care, but clarity.  The Bible gives us wisdom about intentional planning and clarity through scripture such as Proverbs 15:22 (NIV) which states “Plans fail for the lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Clear expectations are a form of wise counsel within marriage.

Assumptions

            Scalise also brought awareness against assumptions, specifically the tendency to “mind-read” a spouse’s intentions or emotional state. Assumptions are often replacing the truth with interpretation which leads to emotional reactions that are very disconnected from reality. Once assumptions take root, couples stop seeking clarification and begin to defend positions that may not even be accurate. Gottman and Gottman (2017) notes that negative interpretation bias (assuming negative intent without evidence) is one of the strongest indicators of marital distress.

This connects closely with Scalise’s warning that assumptions distort communication and escalate conflict unnecessarily. An example of this could be that everyone a stressful day one of the spouses come home and is quiet, and the other spouse could perceive it as being anger or rejection and becomes defensive. Later, it is revealed that the silence was due to being exhausted and had nothing to do with relational conflict. This is a perfect example of an argument being created entirely based on assumptions or misinterpretations. The Bible provides direct instructions through scripture in James 1:19 (NIV) which states “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” When we listen, it replaces assumptions.

Thoughts and Feelings

            The third rule focuses on moving beyond surface level statements into emotional understanding. Scalise teaches that effective confrontation requires curiosity meaning asking questions, active listening, and reflecting understanding before responding. Without having understanding, coming up with a resolution can be difficult and oftentimes temporary. Emotionally focused research supports this approach. Johnson (2019) explains that relational repair occurs when partners both feel like they are emotionally understood and validated, not corrected or advised. When there is understanding, there is safety and when there is safety, there is space for resolution.

            An example could be when a spouse says “You don’t support me” the natural response is to become defensive which escalates conflict. However, when the spouse asks, “Can you help me understand what aspect of support is missing in this moment?” the conversation then shifts. The conversation now reveals the underlying emotional need and resolution becomes possible. The Bible teaches us in Proverbs 20:5 (NIV) which says “The purposes in a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insights draws them out. Scripture tells us that understanding requires drawing out, not shutting down.

Conclusion

            Expectations provide clarity, assumptions cause confusion and understanding bridges connection. All three of these together, form a foundation for healthy confrontation in marriage. When couples practice clarity, stay away from assumptions, and focus on understanding, conflict becomes a pathway to growth instead of division.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017).  The natural principles of love. Journal of Family

 Theory & Review, 9(1), 7–26.

Johnson, S. M. (2019).  Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with

 individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.

Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2016). Does couples’ communication predict

 marital satisfaction?  Journal of Marriage and Family, 78(3), 586–600.

Holy Bible, New International Version. (2011).

Altavia Fonville

Jul 6 1:48pm

Reply from Altavia Fonville

Expectations, Assumptions, and Understanding in Marital Conflict

Healthy marital communication requires more than expressing feelings; it requires more than expressing feelings, but it requires an intentional order in how couples will approach conflict. According to Scalise’s teaching on “Communication, Decision Making, and Conflict Resolution,” many relational breakdowns take place not because of disagreement itself, but because of expectations not being met, assumptions being made, and a failure to really understand a spouse’s internal world. These three elements significantly shape whether confrontation becomes detrimental or beneficial.

Expectations

            Expectations are unavoidable in close relationships, but problems arise when they are not vocalized, when they are unrealistic, and assumed rather than communicated. Scalise highlights that couples often enter conflict believing that their expectations are clear and “obvious”, when in reality, they have not been communicated or defined. When couples don’t take the time to communicate expectations or expectations appear to be unclear, disappointment increases and emotional responses are heightened. Research supports this idea. Lavner, Karney, and Bradbury (2016) found that couples with higher clarity in communicated expectations demonstrate greater long-term relational satisfaction and lower conflict escalation. In simple terms, having clarity protects the connection.

            A practical example of this rule could be seen in a couple who is disagreeing about household tasks. One spouse may expect shared responsibility without actually vocalizing specific tasks, while the other spouse believes their contribution is enough. After a while resentment begins to build on both sides. Once expectations are discussed properly, the tension will decrease significantly. The issue was never a lack of care, but clarity.  The Bible gives us wisdom about intentional planning and clarity through scripture such as Proverbs 15:22 (NIV) which states “Plans fail for the lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Clear expectations are a form of wise counsel within marriage.

Assumptions

            Scalise also brought awareness against assumptions, specifically the tendency to “mind-read” a spouse’s intentions or emotional state. Assumptions are often replacing the truth with interpretation which leads to emotional reactions that are very disconnected from reality. Once assumptions take root, couples stop seeking clarification and begin to defend positions that may not even be accurate. Gottman and Gottman (2017) notes that negative interpretation bias (assuming negative intent without evidence) is one of the strongest indicators of marital distress.

This connects closely with Scalise’s warning that assumptions distort communication and escalate conflict unnecessarily. An example of this could be that everyone a stressful day one of the spouses come home and is quiet, and the other spouse could perceive it as being anger or rejection and becomes defensive. Later, it is revealed that the silence was due to being exhausted and had nothing to do with relational conflict. This is a perfect example of an argument being created entirely based on assumptions or misinterpretations. The Bible provides direct instructions through scripture in James 1:19 (NIV) which states “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” When we listen, it replaces assumptions.

Thoughts and Feelings

            The third rule focuses on moving beyond surface level statements into emotional understanding. Scalise teaches that effective confrontation requires curiosity meaning asking questions, active listening, and reflecting understanding before responding. Without having understanding, coming up with a resolution can be difficult and oftentimes temporary. Emotionally focused research supports this approach. Johnson (2019) explains that relational repair occurs when partners both feel like they are emotionally understood and validated, not corrected or advised. When there is understanding, there is safety and when there is safety, there is space for resolution.

            An example could be when a spouse says “You don’t support me” the natural response is to become defensive which escalates conflict. However, when the spouse asks, “Can you help me understand what aspect of support is missing in this moment?” the conversation then shifts. The conversation now reveals the underlying emotional need and resolution becomes possible. The Bible teaches us in Proverbs 20:5 (NIV) which says “The purposes in a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insights draws them out. Scripture tells us that understanding requires drawing out, not shutting down.

Conclusion

            Expectations provide clarity, assumptions cause confusion and understanding bridges connection. All three of these together, form a foundation for healthy confrontation in marriage. When couples practice clarity, stay away from assumptions, and focus on understanding, conflict becomes a pathway to growth instead of division.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017).  The natural principles of love. Journal of Family

 Theory & Review, 9(1), 7–26.

Johnson, S. M. (2019).  Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with

 individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.

Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2016). Does couples’ communication predict

 marital satisfaction?  Journal of Marriage and Family, 78(3), 586–600.

Holy Bible, New International Version. (2011).