What does the Bible say about an unhappy marriage that a pastoral counsellor can learn
from?
One thing we know for sure: being in an unhappy marriage is not biblical grounds for divorce. In
Mark 10:11–12 Jesus said, “A man who divorces his wife so he can marry someone else
commits adultery against her. And a woman who divorces her husband so she can marry
someone else commits adultery.” Based on the Bible, we see that people don’t have the right to
dissolve an unhappy marriage. God intended that marriage be for a lifetime.
Ephesians 5 presents marriage as a picture of the relationship God has with us. This is one reason
why God has such an interest in keeping marriages intact. Failed marriages and broken homes
are devastating to the husband and wife, not to mention the children involved. Financial ruin is
only one of the unhappy results of divorce. The family unit is the basic building block of any
society, and rampant divorce has a tragic impact on all of the culture.
This is not to say that God wants to force us to remain forever in an unhappy marriage. He
doesn’t ask us to just grit our teeth and suffer through it. When God approaches marital
problems, He does so from the perspective of how to fix them, not how to dissolve the marriage.
For example, Paul writes of demonic impact in marriages (1 Corinthians 7:5). He states that the
couple should be active in the sexual relationship so that Satan cannot tempt them. Peter
encourages husbands to treat their wives with understanding so that their prayers will not be
hindered (1 Peter 3:7). From these passages we can see that marriage is a spiritual battlefield. It
takes work to fight for the relationship, not to fight in the relationship.
God encourages us toward reconciliation. Matthew 18:15–16 demands open, honest
communication that deals with hurts and frustrations caused by sin. It even encourages us to get
help to resolve problems. God also calls us to find our joy or happiness in Him (Philippians 4:4).
The joy of the Lord is something you can have regardless of conditions. In all of God’s
guidelines for experiencing joy, none of them require a spouse to cooperate. A spouse does not
control our capacity to have joy or peace. James 1:3–4 tells us that deep, abiding joy comes as
we persevere through trials, with God’s help, and as our faith matures and strengthens.
The book of Philippians is a great study in the difference between joy and happiness. Written by
the apostle Paul while imprisoned in Rome, this book uses the words joy, rejoice, and joyful 16
times and teaches us how to have true contentment in Jesus Christ, despite our circumstances. In
chains, Paul talks about his faith and trust in Christ and how it had changed his whole
perspective on suffering.
God has given husbands clear-cut instructions in Ephesians 5:25–28: “Husbands, love your
wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. . . . So ought men to love
their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.” To wives, God’s
instruction is to submit to their husbands’ leadership (verse 22) and to respect their husbands
(verse 33). In a Christ-like spirit, both are to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21). If both
spouses are living up to their biblical responsibilities, there will be joy and happiness in the
marriage. What woman wouldn’t respect and submit to a man who loves her the way Christ
loves His church? And what man wouldn’t love a woman who respects and submits to him? The
unhappiness that is present in too many marriages is often a result of one or both parties refusing
to submit to God and obey His revealed will for marriage. Sometimes the unhappiness is
exacerbated by unresolved issues of one party that have leaked into the marriage. In those cases,
individual counseling may be helpful in addition to marriage counseling.
Even if an unhappy marriage results from a believer being married to an unbeliever, there is
always the possibility the believing spouse can lead the unbelieving spouse to the Lord by his or
her chaste conduct and kind demeanor. “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands
so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the
behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (1 Peter 3:1). The
Bible specifically addresses those who are married to unbelievers in 1 Corinthians 7:12–14: “…
If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not
divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with
her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife,
and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.”
In the end, we must remember that “the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are
open to their prayers; but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil” (1 Peter 3:12). God
knows the pain of an unhappy marriage, and He understands fleshly desires, but He has given
His Word to us on this matter and He does ask for obedience. Obedience to God always brings
joy (Romans 16:19).
Bible verses to encourage you in an unhappy marriage.
The principles in these Bible verses can help you choose to follow God no matter how unhappy
you may feel in your marriage. When you choose to obey God despite your circumstances, you
can find peace and hope to carry you through.
Remember that God provides for your true needs as a husband or wife.
For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is
your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. –Isaiah 54:5
No spouse can meet all our needs. We are imperfect human beings, and even at our best, we
cannot perfectly fulfill every need of our spouses. You likely have unmet needs in your marriage,
and so does your spouse.
However, this is not terrible news. God is waiting to fill your needs perfectly as your heavenly
spouse. He created you, and he knows exactly what you need. When you go to him in prayer,
asking him to fulfill your needs, he will provide for you through his loving presence and spiritual
comfort. You can seek Him for the peace that passes all understanding (Phil. 4:7).
Renew your commitment to your spouse.
Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called
Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his
mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. –&Genesis 2:23-24
God designed marriage to last for life, a strong commitment that reflects God’s master design.
His will for you is to stay married unless there is ongoing and unrepentant abuse or infidelity.
You must renew your commitment to your spouse, even if you feel that you have an unhappy
marriage.
Gary Thomas, the author ofESacred Marriage, has shown research that most couples who say
they are unhappy in their marriages are much happier five years later if they commit to staying
married. So, there is hope for you if you make that commitment to your spouse to be one flesh
for life.
Remember that spiritual battles are ongoing.
Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.
–&Ephesians 6:11
You have a spiritual enemy, Satan, who is doing everything he can to destroy your marriage. He
will plant seeds of discontent, grumbling, criticism, and more to disrupt the unity between you
and your spouse. These seeds will sprout into ongoing spiritual battles that on the surface just
look like arguments or withdrawal between you and your spouse.
But you can fight back with the principles in Ephesians 6:11-18. When you feel unhappiness
creeping into your marriage, turn to this passage and ask God for help. He will give you these
spiritual tools to fight back and reclaim the commitment to your marriage.
You must your heart against temptation.
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. –&Proverbs 4:23
In an unhappy marriage, Satan will tempt you to go astray with many things. You may be drawn
to other people who attract you. Romance novels, movies, music, or pornography may even
entice you to think other situations would be better for you. These are common dynamics when
couples are unhappy.
However, you have the responsibility to guard your heart. When you constantly focus on the
unhappiness in your marriage, your heart will be discouraged and more open to temptation. But
you can identify your weak spots and cover them with prayer and practical tips. A Christian
counselor can also advise you on how to guard your heart in an unhappy marriage.
Make prayer a high priority.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. –&Romans 12:12
You can turn to God in prayer every time you feel unhappy with your marriage. Pour out all your
feelings because he can handle all of them. He will affirm you and strengthen you even when
you are struggling.
You can ask him to guide your thoughts, words, and actions toward your spouse. You can also
choose to rejoice in the confident hope that God is available to help you at all times of the day.
Ask God to give you patience in the troubles of your marriage, and don’t stop praying no matter
how you feel.
Choose to be loving.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. –&1 Corinthians
13:7
It only takes one person to change an unhappy marriage. You can be loving toward your spouse
no matter how they treat you. Your commitment, faith, hope, and endurance will serve as a good
example, and your spouse may return the loving feelings when they see you showing them.
Put on an attitude of gratitude.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. –&1
Thessalonians 5:18
God doesn’t require you to be thankful for your unhappy feelings. But he does want you to have
an attitude of gratitude within all circumstances, even in an unhappy marriage. Your gratitude
can be based on God’s unchanging character, which is an anchor for your thoughts and feelings.
You can keep a gratitude journal of a few things every day for which you are thankful. This
practice has been proven to uplift your attitude, so why not try it?
Take responsibility for your part.
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any
grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! –&Psalm 139:23-24
All of us have made mistakes in our marriage that added to the unhappiness. You can ask God to
search you and test you, and to point out anything offensive to him in your marriage. He will
gently correct you, showing you where you need to take responsibility for your part. You may
need to confess your sins to your spouse, which can bring healing and wholeness to your
marriage. God will reward you for having a humble, teachable spirit.
Make forgiveness a regular rhythm.
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I
forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but
seventy-seven times. –&Matthew 18:21-22
Your unhappiness may be linked to unforgiveness. When you choose to forgive your spouse not
just once, but over and over, your feelings will change. Forgiveness is trusting God to handle the
problem better than you can. It’s an act of surrender and trust to God. It also softens your heart
toward your spouse and will help you show greater compassion and love.
Christian marriage counseling.
When you feel stuck in an unhappy marriage, you may need outside help to get unstuck. A
compassionate Christian counselor can help you choose a different outlook while you take
practical steps to renew your marriage. Contact us today to learn how Christian counseling can
relieve the unhappiness in your marriage.
