PSYC 150 Class Notes
January 15, 2019 (FDOC)
oSyllabus
oAttachment/Relationship Styles:
oSecure
oInsecure
They are NOT personality types, temperaments, mental health
disorders, or active sin!!
oThe Heart of the Matter
oRelationships, we were designed by God to have relationships
oA desire for intimacy, not necessarily physical intimacy…to know
and be known
oThe Fundamental Issue: Connecting with People (Clinton & Sibcy p. 11)
oAre you there for me? Can I count on you?
oDo you really care about me?
oAm I worthy of your love and protection?
oWhat do I have to do to get your attention, affection, and heart?
January 17, 2019
o5 Goals I’d like to achieve:
oTo have a healthy, godly marriage
oTo get all A’s this semester
oTo gain more confidence in myself
oTo own my own business one day
oTo be dependent on only God and myself
oTravel and do mission work
o“Half of life is knowing who you are interacting with…” The other half is
knowing who you are.
oWhat do you know about your half? What is your core relational beliefs?
When/How do those beliefs develop?
oA universal belief…we want to be safe.
oUnderstanding One’s Need for Relationships
oDr. Bowlby’s (1958, 1969) attachment behavioral system:
When a significant person is near, sensitive, and responsive – the
child will feel secure, loved, and self-confident…safe.
If a significant person is not sufficiently near, sensitive, and
responsive, a child will feel fearful and anxious.
A fearful and anxious child will use relationship-seeking
behaviors in an attempt to get his/her needs met.
oRelationships are Essential
oAttachment Theory: Theory of Relationship, Theory of Emotion
oThe Big 5 Attachment Theory Factors:
Seeks closeness in times of trouble – proximity
Safe haven
Exploration
Separation Anxiety/Anger
Loss Grief
oMother-child relationships are vital for:
Child’s safety
Child’s development
Child’s ability to be in healthy relationships
oMeasuring an Infant’s Security
oMain point: early childhood experiences affect how children will relate
to people in the future.
oDr. Mary Ainsworth (1971, 1978)
She became interested in Dr. Bowlby’s ideas about relationship
styles.
Wanted to see how mothers and infants interacted with one
another.
Ainsworth developed a method of measuring an infant’s security.
The strange situation
January 22, 2019
oMeasuring an Infant’s Security
oAinsworth’s conclusion: three distinct types of relationship
styles…
Avoidant
Ambivalent
Secure
Disorganized (was added by Main and Solomon in 1990)
oSoul Wounds
oHow do soul wounds develop?
When a person who is supposed to love and protect you
hurts you.
oWhy does it hurt when one person disappoints you but not when
another (different person) disappoints you?
Investment.
oWhat is the general response when we are hurt?
We try to stabilize the relationship in order to feel safe. If
our attempts do not prove beneficial, anger develops,
and ultimately detachment from the relationship.
oThe starting point to heal soul wounds is healthy relationships.
However, we often find a pattern of unhealthy communication
that feeds unhealthy relationships with an attempt to protect
oneself.
Types of unhealthy communication:
oCriticism
oDefensiveness
oContempt
oStonewalling
oAttachment Styles and Beliefs
oAvoidant – I’m okay, you’re not okay.
oAmbivalent – I’m not okay, you’re okay.
oDisorganized – I’m not okay, you’re not okay.
oSecure – I’m okay, you’re okay.
These are not static. With different people, you can be leaning towards
avoidant or ambivalent. Overall, the foundation will be secure.
January 23, 2019
oThree Shades of Avoidance
oThe Narcissist or Inflated False Self
Seeks excessive praise from others.
Tends to be arrogant or condescending.
Sensitive to criticism and responds with anger.
Manipulates others.
oThe Exiled, or Disconnected Self
Self-sufficient (unconscious over-claiming).
Prefers inwardness and fantasy over relationships.
Emotional desert – life is colorless.
oThe Compulsive Perfectionist
Value logic and order.
Pays excessive attention to details/order.
Controls others, frequently using guilt.
Uncomfortable with emotions/physical touch/lack of control.
oThese people will knowingly and unknowingly use people for their own
advances.
oThree Shades of the Ambivalent – Dependency
Anxiety, uncertainty, and self-doubt are always present.
oThe Anxious Dependent
Wants security and protection but never gets it.
Black cloud follows them knowing they will be rejected.
They feel inadequate and defective.
An aversion to embarrassment.
oThe Melodramatic Dependent
Seek attention with great enthusiasm.
Tend to rely on their looks and theatrical displays. On stage all
the time.
Are strongly impacted by the opinions of others.
Always want to stay young looking.
oThe Angry Dependent
Righteous Indignation – “isn’t fair”
“I don’t deserve what you have done to me.”
Passive-Aggressive (contempt)
oThe Shattered Self – Disorganized Attachment
The grass is dead on both sides of the fence.
oThe disorganized person can vacillate from Avoidant behavior to
Ambivalent behavior to Secure behavior depending on the relationship.
oLoss of a Safe Haven
oIdentity problems due to a shattered self.
oEmotional storms – difficulty with regulating emotions.
oDebilitating hyperarousal (fight/flight)
oIdentifies with the aggressor (cycle).
oFaulty assumptions about self (blame) that leads to learned
helplessness.
oDifficulty with trust, fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, altered
concept of sexuality – all effect any desire of a healthy relationship.
January 29, 2018
oCharacteristics of the Secure Self
oEmotional Strength
oA willingness to seek and accept comfort, especially in times of trouble.
oWilling to take risk for love and intimacy (courage).
oResponsible for their choices/behaviors.
oCourage to make positive change.
oMental Representations of Secure Attachment
oSecure-base script: if-then script
Experiences influence the development of this script. The new
script then influences the person’s ability to confront stressful
situations with the expectation of a positive outcome.
oBroaden and Build:
Increases a person’s resilience and expands his or her
perspectives, coping flexibility, and skills and capabilities
February 5, 2019
oGod and You, Embracing the Relationship that Transcends all Others
oWhat is your perception of God? How/When do you interact with God
(based on your perception)?
oAttaching to God:
Seeking and maintaining a proximity to God.
God as a safe haven.
God as a secure base.
Feelings of loss or by God.perceived abandonment
oWhat influences your current relationship (perception and interaction)
with God?
Your past, present, and future story.
Compensation Hypothesis – the relationship to God can
compensate for defiant caregiver and/or adult romantic bonds.
Correspondence Hypothesis – the attachment style an
individual has will be consistent across types of bonds:
caregivers, lovers, and God.
oYour Relationship Style and God: Responding to Stress
During times of stress:
Ambivalent Relationship Style (High Anxiety)
oFeel rage at God but are consumed by self-
incrimination and excessive self-blame.
oTurn away from God and turn to success and any or
all relationships.
oIntensely seek intimacy. In doing so, they believe
they can avoid separation from others and even
death.
Avoidant Relationship Style (High Avoidant)
oMove away from God and cling to possessions,
success, or their additions.
oSelf-medicate their pain by pursuing sinful habits.
oA common response, “Just as I expected, God
cannot be trusted.”
oAvoids intimacy and dampens emotions in personal
relationships. Closeness brings fear of rejection…
cannot measure to the standard.
Disorganized Relationship Style (High
Anxiety/Avoidant)
oLife crisis are just a continuation of their life story of
loss.
oBelieve God is malicious like their early caregivers
were.
oIndividuals can use both avoidant and ambivalent
responses. They often go numb, feeling as if the
world around them is not real.
oI cannot trust others and I cannot trust myself,
therefore; I cannot trust God.
February 7, 2019
The Secure Relationship Style
oCan feel devasted, angry, and sad.
oCan struggle with survivor’s guilt.
oCan spend hours praying to God asking the
question “why?”
oCan feel vulnerable, lonely, and afraid.
oCry out to God and run to His open arms.
oDue to experiencing God’s secure base, they are
able to look at their tragedy differently.
oCan face their pain and grow with it.
oCan see God’s hand working things for good,
although they are forever affected by the tragedy.
oUnderstand that although their pain may never be
gone, they can always press closer to God.
oCan consciously and courageously invest in close
relationships but holds on to them loosely. They
understand that the relationship will end. However,
their relationship with God will be for eternity.
oMaking My Relationship with God a Top Priority
oI understand the principles but when I experience stress, I tend to go
into autopilot and revert back to what is familiar…my attachment style.
The key to changing a relationship style is to change your
head knowledge.
PROVERBS 25:28
Always try to improve. Find things to work on to better
yourself!
oNo Pain, No Gain
Disciplines may produce uncomfortable feelings like anxiety or
intrusive memories about past trauma.
But sometimes turmoil is necessary.
Because pain is often involved, practicing disciplines requires
courage and the willingness to endure the necessary cost to
achieve something greater.
oHow to Strengthen your Attachment
Searching the Scripture
Solitude
Silence
Simplicity
Secrecy (you don’t share all your accomplishments with others.
You thank Him for the blessings, but you don’t share them with
everyone.)
Simple Prayer
Meditation
oTaming Emotional Storms
oEmotions color our black and white world.
oPrimary and Secondary Emotions
Primary Emotions – reacting emotionally to a situation in real
time is a primary emotional experience.
Secondary Emotions – usually involve trying to deny or repress
emotions. Type of defense mechanism.
February 12, 2019
oAn issue of control (Proverbs 25:28)
oYou control desire, however, when desire is suppressed it turns into
jealousy. And . jealousy controls you
oYou control grief, however, when grief is suppressed it turns into
depression. And, depression controls you.
oYou control anger, however, when anger is suppressed it turns into
rage. And, rage controls you.
oTriggers – set off an emotional response.
oJames – Lange Theory
Environmental/situational experiences…
Causes a behavioral, autonomic, and endocrine response…
Which provides feedback to the brain…
Which then produces feelings of emotion.
oTranscrisis State
“Although the original crisis event may be submerged below
awareness and the individual may believe the problem has been
resolved, appearance of new stressors may bring the individual
to the crisis state again. This emotional roller-coaster is
called a transcrisis state and may occur frequently and for
extended periods of time, ranging from months to years.” James
and Gilliland, 2013, p.11
oRelationship Styles: How do you “do” emotions?
Avoidant Style
Tend to keep people at a distance (emotionally).
Avoid true intimacy.
Prone to feeling empty.
Denies any negative emotions.
Can use addictive behaviors as a substitute for true
intimacy.
Overregulates emotions.
Ambivalent Style
Become entangled in relationships.
On an emotional rollercoaster.
Excessive concerns about rejection.
Under-regulates emotions.
Allows normal, healthy emotions to turn into intense self-
defeating outburst (catastrophizing).
o“In intense situations do not respond to emotions
a half-prepared conscience.” Corey and Corey,
1996.
Disorganized Style
Bounces between avoidant and ambivalent.
May be overwhelmed with emotions/feelings from
the past.
Traumatic experiences can become part of their current
world (flashbacks).
Secure Style
Not afraid to feel powerful emotions like fear and anger.
Emotions help guide decision making.
Emotions motivate behavior.
Not controlled by their emotions.
Express their emotions appropriately.
oSix Steps to Calming your Emotional Storms
oIdentify the Primary Emotion
oConnect the Primary Emotion to the Triggering Situation
oTarget Negative Thinking (Cognitive Restructuring)
oBehave Differently (Behavioral Modification)
oUse Solving Problem Techniques. “Walking in the solution.”
oDevelop Healthy Relationships
February 14, 2019
oMade for Connection
oIn the Garden of Eden, God saw that it wasn’t good for Adam to be
alone and wandering around by himself.
oGod designed us for intimacy.
He created us for the most intimate of intimacy, to be united
with our spouse as one flesh.
God lodged this longing for intimacy in each of our hearts.
Therefore, we desire to be loved and to love.
oBut I Don’t Feel Connected
oCouples don’t always feel close and connected.
Every marriage will go through low periods – times when spouses
feel disrespected or uncared for.
oWhat causes friction in marriage?
It could be: crowded schedules or money. However, most
difficulties in marriage arise out of unresolved relational
hurts.
Arguments flare up and die, but the were root of the flames
never discussed and dealt with.
Eventually, when unresolved pain becomes absolutely
unbearable, the spouses emotionally disconnect from
each other.
oThe Key to a Loving, Lasting Marriage: Staying Emotionally Connected
oWhen a spouse becomes emotionally bruised from their partner,
they often become disconnected.
The result is a unification only around chores or family members.
However, most DON’T want to be disconnected with each other.
oCouples will eventually “fight” as disagreements/hurt feelings unmet
expectations will happen. It is not when will a couple fight, it is
how they will fight. They key is to stay emotionally connected
while “fighting.”
oPursue-Withdraw: A Pattern that Keeps You Disconnected
oThe typical pattern of hurting couples is .pursue-withdraw
oOne partner disconnects from the relationship, so the other partner, in
reaction to the disconnect, pursues their partner. In response, the
partner disconnects further.
oThis pattern does not allow either spouse to understand and empathize
with the other.
oAnger is a natural response to finding someone we love unavailable
when we need him or want him.
oSpouses with secure relationship styles will recognize and regulate
their thoughts and emotions, controlling what they say and how they
say it. (Cognition/Emotions)
oCouples with insecure relationship styles are often caught in
the pursue withdraw cycle.
They express anger and frustration explosively.
They defend and criticize often.
Their secondary emotions “run the show.”
oParenting Secure Kids
oTemperament
Easy
Slow to warm up
Difficult
Mixed temperament
oTime
oTouch
oTeaching
oTenacity
Commitment to a healthy belief system.
Setting boundaries.
Open communication.
oBreaking Free: A Path to Forgiveness
oPlace blame appropriately.
oGrieve.
oEmpathize.
oForgive (Divine Absurdity).
oConsider reconciliation.
oMake peace with yourself.
oLearn to trust again.
oReconnect.
oLife is all about relationships and ultimately who we love and who
loves us.
February 21, 2019
oBoundaries (2/3 of the semester)
o“Boundaries define us. Boundaries define what is me and what is
not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins,
leading me to a sense of ownership.”
Knowing what I am responsible for gives me freedom.
Taking ownership of my life opens up many different options.
oCategories:
Emotional – feelings
Physical – nutrition, exercise, personal space
Mental – thoughts, perceptions
Spiritual – beliefs, practices
Social – interest, level of motivation
Volitional – choices, internal/external
February 26, 2019
oResponsibilities
oWe are responsible others and ourselves (burdens/daily loads). to for
Galatians 6:2 & 5
oThe Greek word for burden means “excess burdens” like a huge
boulder.
oIn contrast, the Greek world for load means “cargo” like a knapsack
(daily loads).
oProblems arise when people act like their knapsack is a boulder and
vice versa.
oBoundaries help us keep the and the good in bad out. Matthew 7:6
oBoundaries are not walls.
oYou aren’t responsible for anyone, I’m responsible to someone.
oExamples of Boundaries
oPhysical
Exercise and Healthy Living
Sexuality
Abstinence
Sexually active
Appearance
Geographical Distance
Physical separation CAN BE HELPFUL.
oEmotional
Be clear about your “no.”
A confrontational word.
The word sets a limit.
Be clear about your “yes.”
Example: Asked to a social event.
Emotional distance
Gives your heart a chance to be safe.
This is not a permanent solution…it is temporary.
Emotional Health and Mental Health (Cognitive)
Emotional regulation – identifying and expressing
emotions.
Emotional intelligence – “the ability to perceive and
express emotions, understand affect-laden information,
use emotional knowledge and regulate conditions to foster
intellectual growth and well-being.”
oSpiritual
Truth
There is safety in truth.
“Honesty about who you are gives you the biblical value of
integrity…” (pg. 37)
Embrace the reality of who you are…don’t distort it. This is
a challenge in today’s society.
Spiritual Gift(s)
Encouraging, Giving, Helper, Mercy, Administration,
Teaching, Prophecy, Evangelism, Shepherding
Worship
oMental
What do you think about? How does it influence your
relationships?
Time. Give yourself time to develop your understanding of your
discipline and your beliefs.
Are you excited about your program of study?
Are you intrinsically or extrinsically motivated?
February 28, 2019
oExamples of Boundaries
oSocial
How social are you? Social media?
Are you able to converse with a diverse group of people?
How do you tolerate bias? How do you address your own bias?
oVolitional
Decisions…decisions…decisions!
What who or do you allow to influence your decisions?
In our relationship with Christ, He provides the “peace that
passes all understanding.” (Phil. 4:7)
oAdditional Boundaries
oOther people (Caution…what is their attachment style and how
is influencing the support they provide?)
Support from others can help an individual set appropriate
boundaries.
Others can assist by:
Helping individuals meet a basic need for relationships.
Providing input and teaching.
The support of others can also remind a person of the
importance of forgiveness.
oConsequences – you have the power of your choices, but you
do not have power over the consequences over your choices.
Boundaries should produce consequences. If another person
violates your boundaries, he/she experience should
consequences for their actions.
Can you think of a time when someone you know did not
experience a consequence for violating another person’s
boundaries?
oNew Chapter: Hatching
o“Mommy and Me Aren’t the Same,” also known as differentiation.
oBabies begin moving out of passive union with their mother into an
active interest in the outside world.
oPeriod of exploration, of touching, of tasting, and feeling new
things.
oChildren are still dependent on their mother, but not in a symbiotic
way.
oDifficult period for new mothers.
oA painful boundary for mothers; a necessary one for child.
oPracticing
o“I can do anything!”
oA desire to try everything.
oCharacterized by exhilaration and energy.
oA desire to leave mother behind.
oChild feels omnipotent (powerful).
oLearns that aggressiveness and taking initiative are good.
oGood parents encourage discovery and curiosity but also set
some limits (boundaries).
oRapprochement
o“I can’t do everything.”
oChildren become aware of the perils of the world.
oChildren realize that they still need their mother.
oReturn to connection with their mother, but different.
A child brings a more separate self into relationship.
Now two people with different thoughts and feelings.
oTools toddlers use to build boundaries:
Anger
Ownership…starts with “mine”
No: The One-Word boundary emerges during hatching but
is perfected during Rapprochement.
March 4, 2019
oTEST THURSDAY! Read Chapters 1-6 in Boundaries.
o10 Laws of Boundaries
oSowing and Reaping
AKA Law of Cause and Effect
Not punishment from God
Natural relationship between actions and consequences.
Ex: a smoker developing cancer
Can be interrupted by a codependent/enabling
Ex: Mom pays credit card bills
Codependents “cosign the note” of life for the irresponsible
person.
oResponsibility
Involves taking responsibility for one’s own life.
Unbiblical views of responsibility:
Responsibility is self-centered.
Actually becoming self-centered or selfish…
misunderstanding of this law
Feeling guilty when doing someone a favor.
The Law of Responsibility includes loving others
We are to love one another, not be one another. I can’t
do/be/feel/think for you.
One must set limits on another’s destructive and irresponsible
behavior…it is their behavior. Don’t rescue someone from their
consequences…it will start a cycle.
oPower
We are all in a state of powerlessness
Although we are in that state, we do have the power to do things
that will help us overcome problems.
We have the power to agree with the truth about
our problems.
We have the power to submit our inability to God.
We have the power to search and ask God and others to
reveal more and more about what is within our
boundaries.
We have the power to turn from evil we find within
ourselves.
We have the power to humble ourselves and ask God and
others to help us with our developmental injuries and
leftover childhood needs.
We have the power to seek out those we have injured and
make amends.
oRespect
We fear they will not respond to our boundaries.
We focus on others and lose clarity about ourselves.
We can judge others’ boundaries as we think we know what is in
their best interest. We will be judged by how we judge. Matthew
7:12.
Ex: “What do you mean, no? I just need the money for a
little while.”
We need to respect the boundaries of others in order to
command respect of our boundaries.
When we accept others freedom, we feel good about our own
freedom.
oMotivation
False motives keep us from setting boundaries.
Examples of false motives:
Fear – loss of love, abandonment, anger, loneliness, of
losing the “good me” inside.
Giving in to feel less guilty about past issues.
Approval…still seeking parental approval (well pleased)
Over-identification with the other’s loss. When they say
“no” they feel the pain/disappointment in the other
person, so they comply.
oEvaluation
“You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries, but that
does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries…”
To have boundaries is to live a purposeful life.
Boundaries can hurt. We need to evaluate the pain caused by
setting boundaries and empathize with it…hurt, not harm.
As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth from
others to grow.
oProactivity
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Reaction phases are necessary but not sufficient for the
establishment of boundaries. Victim or Survivor?
The reactive stance brings diminishing returns. LIMITS.
Proactive people show what they love, want, and stand
for; reactive people show what they hate, don’t like, and
what they stand against.
Proactive people do not demand rights, they live them.
Be assertive and proactive.
oEnvy
Envy is a basic emotion. We want what we don’t have.
Envy defines “good” as “what I do not possess” and
hates the good it has.
Envy focuses outside our boundaries onto others.
Envy is a self-perpetuating cycle
Ex: Single woman withdraws from social life, envying the
marriages and families of others.
A person who has chosen the “righteous life” but envies
those who are “having all the fun.”
Envy is a sign that you are lacking something.
oActivity
Human beings are responders and initiators.
In the Parable of the Talents, the successful servants initiated
and pushed.
Passivity can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it.
God wants us to be assertive and active.
The sin God rebukes is failing to try…NOT trying and failing (how
we learn).
Boundaries can only be created through being active. A
doer vs. a delegator.
oExposure
Boundaries should be evident.
Your boundaries need to be made visible to others and
communicated to them in relationship.
Oftentimes, we secretly resent someone instead of telling
him/her that we are angry with him/her.
Ex: a spouse will comply, then file for divorce 20 years
later.
Unexpressed boundaries can influence the development of bad
relationships.
Communicate your boundaries openly.
March 19, 2019
oThe Creation of Sub-systems
oMarital sub-system
oParental sub-system
oSibling sub-system
oGrandparental sub-system
oEach sub-system has the potential to create challenges and crises if
proper boundaries are not set.
oDifferent Boundary Crossings
oCatching the Virus
Occurs when a spouse doesn’t have good emotional boundaries
with his/her family of origin.
When spouse comes into contact with family of origin, he/she
may become:
Depressed
Argumentative
Self-critical
Perfectionistic
Angry
Combative
Withdrawn
The family of origin has the power to affect the new family in a
trickle-down effect.
If your relationship with one person has the power to
affect your relationships with others, you have a
boundary problem.
oSecond Fiddle
Occurs when the spouse hasn’t completed the “leaving before
cleaving” process (Gen. 2:24)
Spouse acts as if true allegiance is to parents.
Leaves the other spouse and/or immediate family members
despondent.
Spouses must set clear boundaries with their families of origin.
Not doing so has resulted in failure of many marriages.
oMay I Have My Allowance, Please?
Not being an adult financially is a common boundary problem for
many young adults today.
Many are unable to say “no” to gifts and handouts from their
parents to gain much-needed independence.
An adult who does not stand on his own financially is still a child.
To be an adult, you must live within your means and pay
for your own successes and failures.
oMom, Where Are My Socks?
Perpetual Child Syndrome:
A person is financially on his/her own, but allows his/her
family of origin the perform certain life management
functions
Mom and Dad are symbolically keeping their adult child
from emotionally leaving home.
Often happens in friendly, loving families where things are so
nice it’s hard to leave.
Often, the adult child’s other relationships are
dysfunctional.
For the adult child, finances are generally a problem.
oThree’s a Crowd
Triangulation
The failure to resolve a conflict between two
persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides.
A common problem in dysfunctional families.
Is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are
afraid to confront each other.
Scripture is very serious about dealing with conflict directly
(Proverbs 28:23, Leviticus 19:17).
Never say to a third party something about someone that
you do not plan to say to the person himself.
oWho’s the Child Here, Anyhow?
“Some people were born to take care of their parents. They did
not sign up for this duty; they inherited it” (p. 135).
These people are known as codependents.
When parents are stuck in childish ways of irresponsibility, their
children are unfairly forced to look out for them.
Codependents have a difficult time establishing
boundaries between themselves and their irresponsible
parents.
Good boundaries prevent resentment.
March 21, 2019
oContinued…
oBut I’m Your Brother!
Irresponsible adult child depends on a responsible adult sibling
to avoid growing up.
Irresponsible child continues to play old family games well into
adulthood.
The tough issue to deal with here is guilt.
Some people do totally crazy and unhelpful things for a
brother or sister that they would never do for their
closest friends.
Our family can tear down our best-built fences because they are
family.
oWhy Do We Do That?
Continuation of Old Boundary Problems
The patterns you learn at home growing up are
continued into adulthood with the same players:
oLack of consequences for irresponsible behavior
oLack of confrontation
oLack of limits
oTaking responsibility for others instead of yourself
oGiving out of compulsion and resentment
Adoption
oWe must come from under parental authority
put ourselves under God’s authority.
oHow to Resolve Family Boundary Problems:
oIdentify the symptom
oIdentify the conflict
oIdentify the need that drives the conflict
oTake in and receive the good
oPractice boundary skills
oSay no to the bad
oForgive the aggressor
oRespond, don’t react
oLearn to love in freedom and responsibility, not in guilt
oBoundaries and Your Friends
oCompliant/Compliant
This involves two individuals that do not know how to say
“no” and hide the truth out of fear.
Both are dissatisfied because they sense they’ve allowed
something(s) they shouldn’t have allowed.
Compliant people deny their own boundaries to keep the
peace.
Each compliant needs to take responsibility for his/her
attempts to appease or please the other.
Compliants must first practice setting limits on trivial things.
oCompliant/Aggressive Controller
This occurs when one person dominates the other.
The compliant feels controlled and resentful; the
aggressive controller feels good.
Boundary conflicts
The compliant is unable (unwilling) to set clear limits.
The aggressive controller is unable (unwilling) to respect
the compliant’s limits.
The compliant needs to see that he is not a victim of the
aggressive controller; he is volunteering his power.
The aggressive controller to own that he has difficulty needs
listening to “no” and accepting others’ limits.
oCompliant/Manipulative Controller
Occurs when one person dominates by means of
manipulation, either consciously or not.
The compliant feels used and taken advantage of by the
controller; the controller feels fine.
Boundary conflicts
The compliant is unable (unwilling) to say “no.”
The controller disregards the complaint’s boundaries.
The controller does not take responsibility for his/her
actions.
The compliant must start saying “no” in a supportive
environment to build up “courage.”
The controller to be responsible for himself/herself and needs
stop manipulating people.
oCompliant/Nonresponsive
This occurs when one person feels abandoned by other’s
obliviousness and lack of care.
The compliant feels depressed, resentful, and unimportant; the
nonresponsive may feel guilty.
Boundary conflicts
The compliant takes on too much responsibility for
the friendship.
The nonresponsive doesn’t take enough
responsibility for the friendship.
The compliant needs to take responsibility for making it too easy
for the nonresponsive to do nothing.
The nonresponsive needs to work for the friendship.
March 26, 2019
oMillennials/Gen Y, Gen Z, Gen Alpha
oBoundaries and Employment
oGeneration Y (1980-1995)
Approximate ages: 25 to 40.
Sense of .entitlement
Not tech savvy…tech dependent.
Naturally collaborative.
Big expectations but not knowing or in valuing the steps
meeting those expectations.
More eager to and take on responsibility earlier in contribute
their careers than prior generations.
Eager to advance.
Highly value meaningful development opportunities.
A diverse and inclusive generation.
Value flexible work schedules.
Are not self-absorbed but rather are . self-important
Need instant gratification.
Value volunteer opportunities.
Value employers who give back to their communities.
Views work as a part of life.
oWork and Character Development
Many Christians believe that unless someone is working “in the
ministry,” their work is secular.
This view of work distorts the biblical picture.
All of us, not just pastors, have gifts and talents to contribute to
humanity.
Work is a spiritual activity.
Work is the place to develop our character in preparation for the
work we will do forever.
Are you passionate about your career choice?
March 28, 2019
oDisliking Your Job
Many people are unable to ever find a true work identity.
Generally, this is a boundary problem.
Oftentimes, this happens with people who have not separated
from their family of origin.
You must make sure that your boundaries are strong
enough that you do not let others define you.
Stand up against others’ expectations of you when you know
that their desires are not your desires…this clarity comes
from your relationship with God. PEACE.
oFinding Your Life’s Work
Firmly establish your identity and follow your desires. Takes
time, be patient.
Take ownership of how you feel, think, and what you want…then
earn it.
Assess your talents and limitations. You cannot be anything
you want to be.
Begin to step out as God leads you.
God wants you to discover and use your gifts for His glory.
Look at your work as a partnership between you and God.
oGetting Saddled with Another’s Responsibilities
You must take responsibility for yourself.
You must act responsibly to your co-worker.
Do not fall into the trap of justifying yourself.
Many over-responsible people who work next to under-
responsible bear the consequences for their co-workers.
oCritical Attitudes
Often, stress is caused by working with someone who is
supercritical (negative).
Don’t try to win the critical person over – it will never happen.
Don’t get angry or down on yourself. You must keep your own
boundaries.
Allow critical people to be who they are but be yourself.
You may also want to confront the person according to the
biblical model (Matt. 18).
oBoundaries and the Digital Age
oFear of Missing Out (FOMO)
“A feeling of anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may
currently be happening elsewhere.”
The process:
oMany options available
oPerceived ability to exhaust
oPredictive imagination
oFear of missing out
oQuarter-Life Crisis
A feeling of being locked in by your life choice
A rising sense of “I have got to get out” and that change is
possible
Quitting whatever is making you feel trapped and embarking on
a “time out” period to try out new experiences to figure out who
you want to be.
A period of rebuilding your life.
Developing and cementing new commitments that better reflect
your interests and aspirations.
April 9, 2019
oReal Relationships
oTwo lies that influence our choice of who to date and possibly
marry:
Lie #1: .I need this person to be complete
Buying into the myth that another person will make you
whole.
This person will do anything to keep the relationship
(desperate).
This person is trying to obtain approval, affirmation, and
ultimately an identity.
When the relationship ends, this person blames the other
for failing them.
Only CHRIST can make you whole.
Lie #2: If this person needs me, I’ll be complete.
Wants a relationship with anyone who will build them up.
Interested in multiple challenges/projects.
This person is selfish in that they care more about how
another person makes them look/feel.
Lacks respect for another person.
They are attracted to one another’s unhealthiness = doomed
relationship.
Categories/Areas that can be incomplete:
Emotional
Mental
Physical
Spiritual
Social
Volitional
April 11, 2019
oAttraction
oWe are often attracted to others when the interaction is
rewarding.
Direct Reward
Interest, Approval, Physical Attraction
Indirect Reward
Familiarity, Future Plans
oWe are often attracted to others who are near to us –
proximity.
Assigned seats in the classroom.
Student housing
oMere Exposure Effect (Moreland and Beach 1992)
College women attended several classes.
15 times
10 times
5 times
The women never talked to anyone. They just sat in the room.
At the end of the semester, the students were given pictures of
the women. The more the women were seen in the room, the
more attractive they were to the students. And, all of the women
were identified as more attractive than pictures of the women
who were never in the classroom. (Proximity and exposure)
oA beautiful person (male/female) is often perceived to be a
good person – BIAS.
Presumed to be interesting.
Assume that they are agreeable, an extrovert, and
conscientious.
The initial observation triggers a positive response.
The more attractive person is the more promiscuous they are
assumed to be.
Are perceived to be kind, strong, outgoing, nurturing, sensitive,
sexually warm and responsive, interesting, poised, sociable, an
exciting date, good character, and likely to be successful with
happier marriages and more fulfilling lives.
Faces are usually symmetrical (Golden Ratio).
oMatching
A concept of individuals dating another person who is
similar in their physical attractiveness.
There may be differences in casual dating but for
established relationships, the similarities in physical
attractiveness is typically well matched.
Pursuing people who are similar will tend to yield better
results.
A potential His/Her His/Her
probability
partner’s desirability = physical attractiveness X of
accepting you
Matching is a concept of individuals dating another
person who is similar in their attitudes and values.
Balance theory: Individuals desire a balance in the relationship
(thoughts, feelings, social relationships).
What do men and women want in a relationship?
oWarmth and loyalty
oAttractiveness and vitality
oStatus and resources
Are all three of equal importance? Depends.
April 16, 2019
oThe Three R’s Every Family Teaches
oFamily lessons are learned from:
The rules they reinforced.
The roles they asked you to play.
The relationships they modeled.
oAre Men and Women That Different?
oPhysiology
On average, the adult male brain is 8 to 10% larger than the
adult female brain.
Women have larger volume in both the frontal cortex (manager)
and the limbic cortex – emotional responses.
May stand to reason why women are less impulsive.
Women tend to outperform men when groups are
completing a task.
Women tend to have better memories due to higher activity in
the hippocampus.
Women tend to live longer than men but seem to be less happy.
Women take better care of their health.
Visit the doctor more often.
Behave less recklessly.
Women are at a higher risk for depression and anxiety.
Women tend to perform better on verbal speed and men perform
better on tasks such as imagining what an object would look like
if it were rotated (Parietal cortex – spatial perception is larger in
men.)
It is believed that women speak three times more words per day
than men. Not true…both men and women speak, on average,
16,000 words a day.
Although we are recognizing some of the differences, it is
important to note than we are not from different planets.
oAdditional Considerations
On Average…
Women do experience more intense emotions than men
do.
However, men and women do report similar measures of
romantic feelings on the Love Scale.
Men possess more romantic attitudes than women, more
likely to believe in “love at first sight” and tend to fall in
love faster than women do.
Women are more cautious/selective when deciding who
they will love.
Men are most likely to say, “I love you.” first in a
relationship.
oReligion/Culture: Love and Respect
Ephesians 5:33
Emerson Eggerichs, Ph.D.
o400 males – 74% would rather be respected than
loved.
oComparable stats on women found that they would
rather be loved.
Shauna Springer, Ph.D.
oArgues that Eggerichs disregards the value women
want to be respected as well.
o1200 women – 65% stayed they would rather feel
respected than loved.
Why not show BOTH?
April 18, 2019
oLove, Marriage, and Sexuality
oPerspective defined…
the state of one’s ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a
meaningful interrelationship.
the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful
relationship.
a mental view or prospect.
oTypes of Love:
Romantic, Passionate Love – includes intimacy and passion…
it is characterized by idealized evaluations of one’s partner.
Compassionate Love – includes intimacy and selfless caring
for another person. These acts enhance relationships.
Companionate Love – includes intimacy and commitment…
characterized by a deep friendship with someone.
oWhat does the research say?
“Often, the love that encourages people to marry is not the love
that keeps them together decades later. Passion declines but
intimacy and commitment both increase as we age. Thus,
companionate love may be more stable than romantic love is.”
oWhat is your love IQ?
Smart Love:
Seeks a good match.
Considers online tools.
Pays attention to values.
Doesn’t try to change others.
Doesn’t try to change oneself (for the other person).
Doesn’t run from conflict or run to conflict.
Knows the bottom line.
oMarriage
Marriage is down from 94% in 1960 to 85% (prediction) of people
marrying at least once in their lifetime.
Currently 51% of the adult population is married.
The average age for marriage:
26.5 for women
29 for men
“On average, these days, an American mother has her first child
(at age 25.3) before she gets married (at 26.5).”
2/3 of most young adults will cohabitate with a romantic partner
before marrying.
Actually increases the risk of divorce
“Experience more conflict, jealousy, infidelity, and
physical aggression.”
According to Cherlin, the divorce rate for individuals with
college degrees is on the decline.
In 1960, more than 75% of mothers stayed home with their
preschool children. Today, 40% stay home with their preschool
children.
Only 4% of single adults want to remain single. Most single
adults desire a partner/relationship.
oInfluencing Longevity in Marriage
Staying Committed
Couples are resolute in their thinking and interaction.
Focus on enriching/enhancing the relationship.
Cognitive Interdependence. We/Us instead of I/Me
Positive illusions. Viewing your spouse in the best
“positive light.”
Inattention to alternatives.
Derogation of Tempting Alternatives.
April 23, 2019
Staying Content
Couples foster positivity, encourage openness and
relationship talk, provide assurances within the
relationship, share a social network, share tasks, and
share joint activities.
Repair Relationships
Work through challenges together
Engage in preventive maintenance
Seek professional counseling/therapy
Do pre-marital counseling!!!
Engage with Forgiveness
Contrite
Empathy
Absent of Rumination
Engage in Prayer
Focusing on the well-being of your spouse.
Increases satisfaction with the sacrifices made in the
relationship.
The praying spouse is more forgiving.
oWorldviews on Sexual Behavior
oSecular vs. Biblical Worldview
oSex or Sex – Perspective:
Choices regarding sex
Sex too soon
oThe “It-Just-Happened” Choice
oThe “If We’re in Love It Can’t Be Wrong” choice
oThe “Sex Brings Us Closer Together” choice
Asexual (?)
oThe “I’m Not Sexual Until I’m Married” choice
Biblical Approach
oThe “Let’s Set Boundaries” choice
Hook-Up Sex
A blunt discussion about natural and logical
consequences…Hook up sex is bad sex:
o78% coerced
oSexual satisfaction is low
oSTIs, pregnancy, negative affect, relational
satisfaction
Hook up sex is often overestimated and assumed to be
the norm within society. Women often regret hook up sex
(oral/intercourse) but believe that others approve
therefore influencing a perception of normalcy.
Pluralistic ignorance – hook ups are not as popular or
satisfying as the average perception.
Sex
Average age of first intercourse is 17.
By age 20, 14% have not had sex yet.
41% of teenage girls have felt pressured into sex,
especially when alcohol/drugs were involved.
2/3 of STDs occur among people >25.
1 in 4 females in the US has a STI, usually the human
papillomavirus (HPV).
21% are acquaintances/casual friends of their first sexual
partner.
Couples who have sex on their first date report poorer
sexual satisfaction later in their relationships compared to
those who waited to have sex.
According to a study in 2012, men think about sex 34
times a day and women 19 times a day.
Men desire to have sex more often than women do and
are more open to casual sex.
LDOC!
oEveryone has a story. Do you sit in the problem or walk in the solution?
