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by
Brent Johnson
January 27,
2023
PACO 500-B04 LUO
Introduction to Pastoral Counseling
LIBERTY UNIVERSITY SCHOOL OF DIVINITY
Practical Book Review:
Why Don’t We Listen Better? By James C. Petersen
Submitted to Dr. Mario Garcia
in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the completion of
RESPOND
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SUMMARIZE
Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships by James
C. Petersen is a practical guide to understanding the role of the listener in everyday conversation.
It begins by building a case for the importance of listening and introduces what the author calls
Flat Brain Theory; an illustrative device that is intended to help the reader visualize how feelings
and emotions affect that way people think and respond.
Part two of the book identifies, explains and unpacks the role of talker and listener in the
conversation. This section is founded on the premise that the goal of every conversation should
be to fully communicate. No matter the thought or idea being communicated, it is the
responsibility of talker to share their feelings and thoughts in a non-threatening, accusative
manner while the responsibility of the listener is to help shape the talker’s ideas by understanding
and clarifying what is being said. In this way, the reader is called upon to identify their role in
each conversation and work with the other participant towards having a conversation that builds
the relationship by having both parties actively involved in the communicative process.
At the end of each chapter of parts 1 and 2, the author includes basic techniques the
reader can employ to be a better listener. Part 3 focuses entirely on deeper, more effective
techniques that can be used for various situations. While the author does an excellent job of
explaining the importance of listening in building relationships, it is the practical listening
techniques he presents that make this book a valuable resource.
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As I read through the book, I found myself thinking about the various techniques
described and how I could use those techniques to better communicate my point. In other words,
I was completely missing the point of the book. I was not considering the importance of the role
of listener and how that can contribute to growth for both participants in the conversation but
rather how I could manipulate those techniques into tools for accomplishing my goals. This
attitude speaks to the greatest criticism I receive in my life. When given feedback I am often told
by others that they do not feel as if they have been able to fully communicate their thoughts and
feelings with me. In an effort to be concise and efficient, I form concluding statements in my
mind while the other person is talking. This means that I am not fully listening. Rather, in the
course of the conversation, I am forming opinions and ideas about what is being said before I
have allowed the other person to fully communicate their thoughts.
To begin to form opinions during the conversation is one of the things the author is
attempting to help the reader avoid. He cites that people often want to give advice and that they
also decided, mid conversation, whether they agree or disagree with what is being said and that
this behavior is contrary to the role of a good listener. I recognize that this is often where I fail. I
listen with the goal of forming a conclusion, not with the goal of edifying the talker and helping
us both to fully communicate.
REFLECT
While reading this book I consistently asked myself how I approached conversations. In
my job as an executive pastor, combined with my spiritual gifting as an administrator and my
natural inclination to achieve specific goals, I try to be intentional with every interaction I have.
I go into each conversation trying to steer it in such a way as to accomplish whatever goal I am
working towards in that moment. Reading through this book allowed me to realize that these
interactions, while they may achieve their purpose, are not necessarily relationship building.
This point was brought home in the final chapters of the book as the author took time to
relay his philosophy behind his thesis. In one section he wrote that listening is an act of love. I
identify as a person who gets things done and I am always on the go and working towards an
end goal, but I allow the ambition and motivation to override and obscure my love for the people
I with whom I am working.
By incorporating some of the listening techniques shared in this book I am confident that
I can still achieve my goals but also help edify and exhort others by being active in my role as
listener when appropriate. In many ways this means that I musts approach conversations
differently. While I still believe that every interaction should be intentional, what needs to be
adjusted is the intent itself. Primary in every conversation should be the goal of relationship
building communication. What follows naturally, if this primary goal is achieved, is that the
information being relayed is done so effectively.
ACT
The action points that I need to incorporate can be taken from the final chapter of the
book. In that chapter, the author asked what it takes, as a listener, to encourage growth in
others. He came to a threefold conclusion: have empathy, be genuine and be warm. This is
where I can find personal growth and become more like Christ in the area of listening.
Having empathy during the conversation will mean that I take a more active approach to
understanding the experience behind the talker. It will help me to evaluate why they are
speaking and focus less on the what. Following empathy is the need to be genuine. This is often
misinterpreted as being truthful or frank. In reality it means that I am properly reflecting my
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inward feelings with my actions. I truly do care for the people I work with and those who attend
my church. However, I allow those feelings to be drowned out by my need to get things done. I
need to be willing to invest in others through listening and take the time to real with them on a
deeper level. If I care for the person (empathy), and show it (genuine), then what flows will be
warmth. I will be able to generate a culture of trust and openness that will foster great
communication that seeks to edify.
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References
Petersen, James C. Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships.
Portland: Petersen Publications, 2015.
