Rapport and Relational Alignment
Bruce returned for counseling, and he appeared a bit more relaxed and seemed to
feel safe in sharing more information with me about his relationship with Brody. We
invited the Lord to join us as we opened in prayer. I quoted Amos 3: 3 Do two walk
together unless they have agreed to do so? and verbally committed to walking together
with Bruce and God as we journey through these counseling sessions together.
This week Bruce continues to be willing to do what is right for his family, especially
Brody, his middle son. Bruce holds no blame for what has happened to him.
Bruce shared some concerning information that his older son, Josh, told him. Josh
said Brody “felt invisible and was merely pretending to be alive. He felt unnoticed and,
subsequently, unwanted. There was no one home with whom he could share the
interests of his heart, especially his music. When his mother and sister died, Brody died
with them. He would have preferred to die rather than to be alive without them” (Rice,
2018, p. 11).
I focused on building rapport by paying attention to both his verbal and nonverbal
cues. I was mindful of my voice and responded to the characteristics of his voice. I
chose words that revealed understanding. My physical posture was like Bruce’s and
tried to mirror his positions – if he was sitting back, relaxed, with his legs crossed, I did
the same. When Bruce showed anxiousness and concern and leaned forward, I
adjusted accordingly and leaned in as well (Kollar, 2005, p. 95).
I applied 2 levels of paraphrasing. With factual information, I paraphrased and
repeated when appropriate. With personal information I paraphrased thoughts and
feelings and showed care (OhCathyRealMature. “Paraphrasing- A Type of Active
Listening” YouTube)
I also applied “How to Listen Better Technique #3 put the talker's feelings into
words” (Petersen, 2015, p.88). When Bruce shared what Josh said I used para-feeling
with my response and said, “this must have really concerned you?” and Bruce said
“yes, so much so that I dropped everything I was doing at the time and went to get
Brody from school” (Rice, 2018, p. 11).
Bruce went on to share that “Brody feels the trial was a waste of time. That nothing
was going to replace his mother and sister” (Rice, 2018, p. 11). Bruce said Brody
questioned “why would you travel around with mom and Chelsea’s killer (Justin)?”
At this point I tried to use “How to Listen Better Technique #4 Put the talker’s
thoughts, which include ideas, views, observations, facts, and perceptions, into your
own words” (Petersen, 2015, p. 89) Using para-thinking I asked “do you think Brody
feels that the time you spend with Justin is time that you are not spending with him?”
Bruce paused and responded “I guess, I hadn’t really thought of it that way. Perhaps
Brody is feeling neglected. I’ve never really had a strong relationship with Brody, my
wife always provided the emotional support to Brody.”
Bruce’s DISC profile, D/S, is described as a person of “Steel and velvet”. He is a
healthy and balanced leader but can lack enthusiasm and planning. He may need to be
more inspiring and outwardly emotional. I will try to note that when he is interacting with
Brody, he needs to show more caring emotion to what Brody is going through
(Carbonell, 2008, p. 144).
As I learned more about the trial and how Bruce got the attorney to take the case, I
realized that Bruce was relentless in tracking down the attorney (Rice, 2018, p.8). This
made me think that he was more D than S, since he showed so much determination to
seek the specific lawyer and was quite demanding. Again, a D is strong in action and
not so much in feeling, I will look for opportune times to tell Bruce to watch for when he
might be too goal oriented on what he wants Brody to do instead of listening more and
just accepting Brody where he is.
My relational style is an I/S/C on the DISC profile. This allows me to relate well with
most people. My leadership style is “supporting individuals while mapping the future”
(Carbonell, p. 192). I continue to look forward to collaborating with Bruce as he identifies
his goals, and I can help support him to obtain those goals.
Distinctive Features
The goal is to create a goal, and the chief aim is to collaborate well. I will do this by
applying questions suggested by Kollar in the “Looking for Clues” text by simply asking
Bruce “What is your goal in coming to see me today” (Kollar, 2005, p.99)?
Focusing on “Guiding Assumption 5. The Counselee is the Expert and Defines the
Goals” (Kollar, 2005, p. 72). I asked Bruce to tell me what his goal would be. He said,
“he wished he and his son got along better, like Brody and his mother did.” I asked, “tell
me more about that?” Bruce said “Brody loved it when his mom gave him focused
attention. He writes music and Brody’s face would light up as he played for his mom,
and she of course encouraged him with his music.” I asked, “do you spend time
listening to Brody’s music and providing encouraging feedback?” Bruce responded “not
as much as I could be. I should be more present with him when he is asking me for my
time.” I pointed out “faith is a muscle that must be exercised to grow strong. Faith
grows as we spend time contemplating the wonders of God-not in passing or
occasionally, but to reshape our thinking and begin to be amazed” (Nichols,2017, p. 87).
God has given Brody this creative talent and to practice finding beauty in just that –
sitting and listening to his son play music. Bruce showed remorse and sadness feeling
bad about himself not spending enough time with Brody over the past few months and
even before the accident. I said to him “being a parent is not easy. Reassure parents
that seek counseling is proof that they are, in fact, good parents. Having a family
problem does not mean that the child is a “problem child”” (Hawkins, 2009, p.184)
Supportive Feedback Break
With Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7 in mind A time to be silent and a time to speak I applied
“The Break” theory during this counseling session as well. “The break allows the
counselor to maintain the pace of the session by keeping it free from interruptions that
would derail the flow of conversation (Kollar, p. 190).” “The break is important, for it
gives the counselor a chance to think about the session and the counselee without
being divided—that is, having to listen and attend to the counselee—and to carefully
structure feedback that will help launch the counselee into new possibilities" (Kollar, p,
192).
I told Bruce from the beginning that I would listen more than talk and except for a few
questions and paraphrasing, I would then take a break where we could reflect on what
was said today.
According to Dr. Ron Hawkins video “Analysis Grid for Building Biblical Counseling
and Spiritual Formation”, “we develop the preferred future. We collaborate to construct a
future that better serves in a fulfillment and objectives that honor the Lord which
produce great health in themselves and improve relationships. The Care-seeker (Bruce)
must own these goals because he will have to do the necessary work to make them a
reality."
Phase Two Marker
I introduced “The Miracle Question” to Bruce. The Miracle Question “shifts
conversations as quickly as possible to a possible future where the counselee’s
problems do not dominate” (Kollar, p. 184). Bruce responded to the Miracle question
saying that aside from his wife and daughter being present, he imagines an
environment where Brody and he are relaxed around each other, they trust each other
and respect each other. This was the marker that told me we have defined our goal, and
we are ready to move into Phase three. In planning for our next meeting, I will come
prepared to use the MECSTAT approach which incorporates miracle, exception, coping,
and scaling questions (Greenberg, 2001, p. 1).
Food for Thought
As we concluded our session in prayer. I quoted from Dr. Ron Hawkins video
“Analysis Grid for Building Biblical Counseling and Spiritual Formation” “as persons
under the authority of the Word of God we seek to go forward under that authority in an
atmosphere permeated with love, grace, and mercy. And may Bruce embrace this
authority as well and model those same characteristics while working on his relationship
with his son.” May “we realize that God is using all the heartaches to deepen our
dependence on him and shape our character” (Nichols, 2017, p. 61).
References
Carbonell, M. (2008). How to solve the people puzzle: Understanding personality
patterns. Blue Ridge, GA: Uniquely You Resources.
Carbonell, Mels. “Uniquely You DISC Assessment.” Uniquelyyou.org.
Clinton, Dr. Tim; Hawkins, Dr. Ron. (2009) The Quick-Reference Guide to Biblical
Counseling (p. 62). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Greenberg, G.R. et al (2001). Solution-focused therapy. A Counseling model for busy
family physicians. Canadian Family Physician, 47:2289-2295
Hawkins, Dr. Ron. "Analysis Grid for Guiding Biblical Counseling and Spiritual
Formation." n.d.
Kollar, C. A. (2011). Solution-focused pastoral counseling: An effective short-term
approach for getting people back on track (updated and exp. ed.). Grand Rapids, Mich.:
Zondervan.
Nichols, K. (2017). Masterpiece: Seeing yourself as God's work of art changes
everything. Lynchburg, VA.: Liberty University Press.
OhCathyRealMature. “Paraphrasing- A Type of Active Listening” YouTube. YouTube,
March 7, 2013. Accessed October 16, 2024.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJ4u4jgZ7Jo
Petersen, J. (2015). Why don't we listen better? Communicating and connecting in
relationships (second ed.). Portland, OR: Petersen Publications.
Rice, D. (2018). A case study on crossroads: A story of forgiveness. Lynchburg, VA.:
Liberty University.
