EXERCISE 10.12: HELP LEARNING PARTNERS SET WORKABLE GOALS In this
exercise, you are asked to act as a helper to a learning partner. This exercise is done verbally.
1. The total training group is to be divided up into smaller groups of three. 2. There are three
roles: client, helper, and observer. Decide the order in which you will play each role. It would be
helpful to video the session.
3. The client summarizes some problem situation (real or imagined) and then declares his or her
intent to do something about the problem or some part of it.
4. The group member in helper role, using empathic highlights, probing, and invitations to self-
challenge, helps the client move from this statement of intent to a broad aim and then to a
specific problem-managing or opportunity-developing goal that has the characteristics listed
above.
5. When the helper feels that he or she has fulfilled this task, the session is ended. Both the
observer and client then give specific feedback to the helper on at least three things that they
liked and one or more things that could be improved.
6. Repeat the process until each person has played each role.
Example: Emilia, a junior beginning her third year of college, is dissatisfied with the way she
goes about learning. She decides to use her imagination to invent a more creative approach to
study. She brainstorms possibilities for a better study future, that is, goals that would constitute
her new learning style. She says to herself: “In my role as student or learner, what do I want? Let
me brainstorm the possibilities.”
• I will stop studying for grades and start studying to learn. Paradoxically this might help my
grades, but I will not be putting in extra effort just to raise a B to an A.
• I will be a better contributor in class, not in the sense that I will be trying to make a good
impression on my teachers. I will do whatever I need to do to learn. This may mean placing more
demands on teachers to clarify points, making more contributions, and involving myself in
discussions with peers.
• I will be reading more broadly in the area of my major, psychology, not just the articles and
books assigned but also in the areas of my interest. I will let my desire to know drive my
learning.
She is particularly disappointed in the way she goes about writing the papers assigned in class.
She believes that she wastes lots of time and ends up frustrated. And, so she picks this topic for
this exercise.
Declaration of intent: “I’m going to finally do something about the way I write papers for class.”
Overall aim: “I’m going to put in place a systematic but flexible process for writing papers for
class.”
The task of the training group helper is to help Emilia develop and shape a problem-managing
goal. Emilia begins by sharing her declaration of intent and overall aim. Here is some of the
dialogue that follows:
JEREMY: What bothers you most about the way you have been doing your papers? EMILIA:
Everything piles up at the end and as a result the papers are rushed and practically never
represent the kind of work I’m capable of. JEREMY: So the unsystematic approach drives out
quality. Let’s see what a more systematic approach might look like. What are some of the
elements of the process you want to put in place?
1. With a learning partner, return to the four goals that each of you set in Exercises 10.2 and
10.3. Use the above characteristics to review them once more.
2. What changes might you make in each of these goals to make them conform to the above
characteristics?
EXERCISE 10.12: HELP LEARNING PARTNERS SET WORKABLE GOALS In this
exercise, you are asked to act as a helper to a learning partner. This exercise is done verbally.
1. The total training group is to be divided up into smaller groups of three. 2. There are three
roles: client, helper, and observer. Decide the order in which you will play each role. It would be
helpful to video the session.
3. The client summarizes some problem situation (real or imagined) and then declares his or her
intent to do something about the problem or some part of it.
4. The group member in helper role, using empathic highlights, probing, and invitations to self-
challenge, helps the client move from this statement of intent to a broad aim and then to a
specific problem-managing or opportunity-developing goal that has the characteristics listed
above.
5. When the helper feels that he or she has fulfilled this task, the session is ended. Both the
observer and client then give specific feedback to the helper on at least three things that they
liked and one or more things that could be improved.
6. Repeat the process until each person has played each role.
Example: Emilia, a junior beginning her third year of college, is dissatisfied with the way she
goes about learning. She decides to use her imagination to invent a more creative approach to
study. She brainstorms possibilities for a better study future, that is, goals that would constitute
her new learning style. She says to herself: “In my role as student or learner, what do I want? Let
me brainstorm the possibilities.”
• I will stop studying for grades and start studying to learn. Paradoxically this might help my
grades, but I will not be putting in extra effort just to raise a B to an A.
• I will be a better contributor in class, not in the sense that I will be trying to make a good
impression on my teachers. I will do whatever I need to do to learn. This may mean placing more
demands on teachers to clarify points, making more contributions, and involving myself in
discussions with peers.
• I will be reading more broadly in the area of my major, psychology, not just the articles and
books assigned but also in the areas of my interest. I will let my desire to know drive my
learning.
She is particularly disappointed in the way she goes about writing the papers assigned in class.
She believes that she wastes lots of time and ends up frustrated. And, so she picks this topic for
this exercise.
Declaration of intent: “I’m going to finally do something about the way I write papers for class.”
Overall aim: “I’m going to put in place a systematic but flexible process for writing papers for
class.”
The task of the training group helper is to help Emilia develop and shape a problem-managing
goal. Emilia begins by sharing her declaration of intent and overall aim. Here is some of the
dialogue that follows:
JEREMY: What bothers you most about the way you have been doing your papers? EMILIA:
Everything piles up at the end and as a result the papers are rushed and practically never
represent the kind of work I’m capable of. JEREMY: So the unsystematic approach drives out
quality. Let’s see what a more systematic approach might look like. What are some of the
elements of the process you want to put in place?
1. State three personal goals that have emerged from your work in the training group. 2. For each
goal, list some “little actions” in which you might be able to engage in order to begin moving
quickly in the direction of the goal.
3. Get feedback from a learning partner on both the goals and the actions.
Example. Review the case of Vanessa discussed above in Exercise 10.1. While she believes that
it is essential for her to develop a better attitude about herself and life in general, she believes
that it is not best to try to do this directly. Therefore, she chooses goals that will have a better
attitude as a by-product. One goal centers on the development of a social life. For the time being,
she wants a range of
friends rather than an intimate partner or potential spouse. She would especially like a couple of
good women friends.
A second goal revolves around religion in some sense of that term. She would like to have
religion-related activities, but not necessarily church-related, as part of her life. Something that
deals with the “bigger” questions of life. A third goal relates to physical well-being. The stress of
the divorce has left her exhausted. She wants to build herself up physically and get into good
physical shape.
Vanessa looks at the third goal and has this to say “There are some things I can do immediately
without coming up with a formal physical fitness program. First of all exercise. I can begin by
walking—to work, to the store, and so on. Second, I can easily cut down a lot on fast food and
add some fresh fruit and vegetables to my diet. Let me try these two things and see where it
leads.” Now, move on to your own personal goals.
First personal goal.
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Actions you can take immediately.
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Second personal goal.
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Actions you can take immediately.
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Third personal goal.
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Actions you can take immediately.
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TASK II-C:
HELP CLIENTS COMMIT THEMSELVES TO THEIR GOALS “What Am I Willing to Pay
for What I Want?”
Many of us choose goals that will help us manage problems and develop opportunities, but we
do not explore the level of commitment that will be needed to pursue those goals successfully.
Just because goals are tied nicely to the original problem situation and are initially espoused by
us does not mean that we will follow through. Even goals that seem attractive from a cost/benefit
point of view can fall by the wayside. The costs of accomplishing goals might not seem very
high until it is time to pay up. Therefore, helping clients take a good look at commitment can
raise the probability that they will actually pursue and accomplish these goals. Read the section
on task II-C in Chapter 10 before doing these exercises.
EXERCISE 10.14: MANAGE YOUR COMMITMENT TO YOUR GOALS
In this exercise, you are asked to review the goals you have chosen to manage some problem
situation or pursue some opportunity. The review should focus on commitment. It is not a
question of challenging your good will. We all, at one time or another, make commitments that
are not right for us.
1. Review the problem situations and unexploited opportunities you have been examining in this
training program together with the goals you have established for yourself.
2. Choose two important goals you have decided to pursue.
3. Read the following questions and answer the ones you see as relevant to each goal in order to
gauge your level of commitment:
• What is your state of readiness for change in this area at this time?
• To what degree are you choosing this goal freely?
• To what degree are you choosing this goal from among a number of possibilities?
• How appealing is this goal to you?
• Name any way in which your goal does not appeal to you.
• What’s driving you to choose this goal?
• If your goal is in any way being imposed by others, what are you doing to make it your own?
What incentives are there besides mere compliance?
• What difficulties are you experiencing in committing yourself to this goal?
• To what degree is it possible that your commitment is not a true commitment?
• What can you do to get rid of the disincentives and overcome the obstacles?
• What can you do to increase your commitment?
• In what ways can the goal be reformulated to make it more appealing?
• To what degree is the timing for pursuing this goal right or wrong?
Evaluation of your commitment to your first goal.
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Evaluation of your commitment to your second goal.
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4. With a learning partner, review your principal learnings from answering the above questions
about these two goals. Use empathic highlights, probes, and invitations to self-challenge to help
each other explore levels of commitment.
5. Finally, to the degree necessary, reformulate both goals in terms of what you have learned
from the dialogue.
Restated goal #1.
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Restated goal #2.
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EXERCISE 10.15: REVIEW THE BENEFITS VERSUS COSTS IN CHOOSING GOALS
In most choices we make, there are both benefits and costs. Commitment to a goal often depends
on a favorable cost/benefit ratio. To what extent do the benefits outweigh the costs? The balance-
sheet methodology outlined in Chapter 11 of The Skilled Helper can be useful in determining
whether goals being chosen offer “value for money,” as it were. Consider the following case.
Case. One January, Anna, a married Native American woman with two children (one a senior in
college and one a sophomore), was told that she had an advanced case of cancer. She was also
told that a rather rigorous series of chemotherapy treatments might prolong her life, but they
would not save her. She desperately wanted to see her daughter graduate from college in June, so
she opted for the treatments. Although she found them quite difficult, she buoyed herself up by
the desire to be at the graduation. Although in a wheelchair, she was there for the graduation in
June. When the doctor suggested that she could now face the inevitable with equanimity, she
said: “But, doctor, in only two years my other son will be graduating.”
This is a striking example of a woman’s deciding that the costs, however high, were outweighed
by the benefits. Obviously, this is not always the case. Benefits include incentives and rewards
for whatever source, while costs include time and effort spent, resources used, psychological
wear and tear, battling negative emotions, and the like. This exercise gives you the opportunity to
explore your goals from a cost-benefit perspective. To what degree is it worth the effort? What’s
the payoff?
1. Divide up into pairs, with one partner acting as client, one as helper. Video the session. 2.
Help your partner review one of the goals of his or her agenda from a cost/benefit perspective.
The helper is to use empathic highlights, probing, and invitations to self-challenge to help his or
her partner do this. Help your partner identify benefits and costs and do some kind of trade-off
analysis such as the balance-sheet technique.
3. Help you partner clearly state the incentives and payoffs that enable her or him commit to the
specified goals.
Example: Mai, a 28-year-old Chinese woman and a third-year doctoral student in clinical
psychology, is discussing her commitment to her career goals with Steven, a fellow student. She
is an only child and both parents and grandparents have been pressing her to get married and
have children. She wants to establish herself in her career first. She has one more year to go in
the program plus a year’s internship.
MAI: If I don’t get my degree and begin my career before getting married, I’ll never finish. I
know others can do this. But I would be feeling all sorts of pressure from family and friends.
STEVEN: So, from your perspective, it’s almost now or never. But you’re already under a lot of
pressure. What about the cost-benefit equation? MAI: I’m the first woman to break the mold in
my extended family. So I have to expect some costs. I don’t like hearing disappointment in the
voices of my parents and grandparents. But I’m setting a direction for the rest of my life.
STEVEN: You’re ready to pay the price. How do you counter the pressures?
MAI: First of all, I don’t avoid them. I talk to them about how exciting I find my work. I talk to
them about how this will benefit both me and whatever family I have in the future. Without
saying it in these words, I ask them to be proud of me, not disappointed. I’m still the same
daughter and granddaughter that they have always loved. I let them know by my actions that I
love them. If I were to give in, that wouldn’t be love. In my own way I let them know how I need
to be loved.
STEVEN: What about social life? Any pressures there?
MAI: I have a couple of close men friends. But they know I’m not going to get into a very
serious relationship right now. Eventually, I want someone who takes me as I am.
STEVEN: So
MAI: None that I can’t handle. I see myself as responsible and focused. If they want to see that
as bullheadedness, well, that’s their problem. Furthermore . . . .
And the dialogue continues in this vein.
4. After 10 minutes of discussion, stop and receive feedback from the client and the person being
helped. Use the video to debrief the session.
5. After the discussion, each member of the training group is to get a new partner, change roles,
and repeat the process.
EXERCISE 10.16: ADDRESS COMPETING AGENDAS
When setting goals, clients often fail to see them in the context of the current range of demands
on their time, energy, and resources. It is no wonder, then, that some goals do not get
accomplished because they are squeezed out by all the other things clients have to do. In other
words, clients have to face up to the reality of “competing agendas.” Otherwise, they end up
trying to carry impossible burdens. Therefore, competing agendas need to be reviewed lest they
block or dilute goals set during the helping process.
Example. Malik, 24 years old, is talking to members of his training group about a certain lack of
progress in learning both the helping model and the skills that make it work. Now believing he
knows what is happening, he says: “I came to this program all fired up to become the best
counselor possible. But it hasn’t quite happened. I know I’m not lazy. But this past week it struck
me. I really enjoy the social life of this group. Lots of us have become friends. So much so, that
my social life with the group has been doing two things. First, I’m letting it take up a lot of my
time. I put off the work I should be doing. Second, I’m reluctant to challenge my friends in both
group interactions and in one-to-one practice. This is being unfair to myself and unfair to you. I
certainly want to enjoy the social life here, but I don’t want it to compete with my original goal.”
1. Look into two different goals you have set for yourself over the course of this training
program. 2. Review the current commitments of your life both within the training group and
outside. Outline the agendas that currently take up a great deal of your time, energy, and interest.
3. Indicate any competing agendas that might prevent you from accomplishing your goal. 4.
Outline what needs to be done to manage competing agendas. This could mean dropping some
current activities or reducing the scope of the goal.
Competing agendas for first goal.
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Ways of managing competing agendas.
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Competing agendas for second goal.
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Ways of managing competing agendas.
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