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Review of why don’t we listen better to others
Kathy Short
Liberty University
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Summarize
The book Why don’t we listen better by James Peterson illustrates a practical yet very
simple way to become a better listener. Peterson displays how simple it is to use the book by the
development of his method of the talking and listening card. In Peterson’s methodical use of the
talk-listener card, the card describes the talker as the one who owns the problem, the listener
does not own the problem, but will listen to the talker (Peterson, 2007, p. 55). Peterson describes
the ways that people communicate with one another and has divided the role into distinct parts:
the stomach where we contain the consisting our emotions and feeling, allows us to place feeling
into words. Next is the heart is where one places ownership and openness on all possibilities. the
heart is where we describe our own concerns and views (p.16) The head is where all processors
of thinking and logical functions are considered, our thoughts are contained in the head (p.11).
Peterson formulated these different functions as a way to show that when emotions swell and rise
from the stomach it will then push toward the heart, then onward to the brain. It is at this point
Peterson describes flat brain tango, as a process of representation of a person who is depressed,
excited, angry, happy, or fearful. This is the type of person when the brain if flat can infect
everyone around them (p.33). therefore, for the person to become a good listener, the condition
of the flat brain, emotions must be cast out to return the person to the correct way of thinking
once again.
The journey that Peterson takes us on is learning that not only is listening important, but
more important is that we hear what is being said by others. The role of all people in
communication is the that of the listener and that of the talker during the communication process
that will assure a conversation is effective, and therefore avoiding the flat brain tango (p.33-37).
Peterson describes how the role of the talker and listener will play out in life. For the role of the
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talker is the one that owns the problem first and foremost (p.70). when the talker is describing
the problem to a listener, they are attempting to work out their own problems. For the person
who is talking is attempting to achieve two goals, one of sharing of their thoughts and feelings
(p.77-80). The talker is hoping to accomplish, is to talk with other’s without seeming to attack,
accuse, label, or judging others, or being attacked by the listener. The problem for talker is that
the problem that they are communicating is their problem and is not the fault of any others, since
ones feeling or emotions are not ruled by others (p.88-91).
The most crucial role in the communication exchange is that of the listener and what part
they play in the exchange. The critical role is that of both the listener and talker play is that if
they do not own the problem they are not responsible for solving it (p. 75). Therefore, the points
that Peterson points that it is tricky because there are times that the listener may show a tendency
to take the ownership of the problem.
Chapter 18 outlines the most helpful listening techniques such as fact the listening is an
art that must be refined for the goals to be accomplished. The goals that are instrumental in
refining the art of listening is to provide a safe place for the talker to share intimate or painful
feelings. Second, develop a way to understand the talker. And third is that art of learning to
clarifying and summery of the problem for the talker (p. 92-101).
Respond
My thoughts on the book remind me of how I like to hang back and listen to what others
have to say. Most individuals will come to me thinking that I have all the answers to their
problems, when in fact I do not. Therefore, I will most often fall into the listener, with no one
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actually wanting to hear what I have to say. It is during this time I find myself feeling
overwhelmed, and avoided, to the conversation. In my last court hearing, I have to sit and listen
to a woman tell everyone how much she could not stand her son, and how she wanted him out of
her house. Then the mother of the young man blames me for all her problems because I had him
released from a detention center after four years. Whereas, instead of screaming at her that she
was a worthless individual and did not deserve to be called a mother, I just had to sit there and
smile. This reminds me of the Petersons description of the stomach, heart, and head, and the
thud. Since, during the entire conversation with all people involved in the meeting I was the only
one who was called out for not providing enough support to a mother I felt was worthless.
Therefore, my smiling reflex was just a way for my own mind to escape the entire proceeding, to
prevent a complete blow up on my own emotions aimed at those in the room.
It was during this time I did try very hard to reflect back on the Petersons outline of
active listening. Yet, the desire to sit there and actually hear what was being said, you can say my
mind checked out. Therefore, I feel that even reading the text, and using it at work with some
clients, it was during that particular meeting that everything I had read did not register with my
brain, heart, and stomach, I was too emotional, and the problem was not even mine to own but I
felt that I would be the only one who would ever own the problem and try and solve the
situation.
Act
One of the insights I found interesting was the “flat brain” and the “flat brain tango”
which is something I have experience. Peterson offers many ways to learn to talk and listen to
stop confrontations in our communications with others at work, and while I am in the field
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working. Whereas, I like to sit back and listen there are times I need to learn the art of
interruption. I need to learn that being polite all the time leaves with sometimes not clear on what
was being said. Whereas, with a clarification of the communication I can conduct my own
conclusion to what was said.
Along with learning to interrupt at a critical time in conversations, I must be willing to
learn how to listen to painful emotional talkers. The most painful conversations I find is when a
person is talking about how hard their life has become, this can range from the loss of a loved
one, to financial hardship. Although, in this conversation I do not own the problem, but I often
wish to help the person solve their problems. As Peterson states when we do not own the
problem we do not solve the problem. Therefore, this section would be in the outline of Peterson
outline on how to think and react (emotional and with feelings) determines how we related to the
world around us all (p. 34).
One main point that my attention was drawn to was the philosophy shared by Peterson,
when we allow for philosophy for domination, any type of relationship you have will be
superficial and will not allow us to let the Holy Spirit to guide us throughout life. If we look at
Rice’s view of the self then I will only rely on my own thoughts and opinions that will reflect on
my relationships with others (Rice, PPT). the Talker/Listener/Card if use will help those in a
conversation take turns in who is the talker and who is the listener, therefore, keeping the focus
on the problem or questions being discussed, and to summarize what was said thought out the
conversation so that all information was heard correctly.
Therefore, I am now going to listen more talk less, but also learn that I also have a say in
the conversation. If I am confronting with a question from a person, and I do not know the
answer I know that I have the ability to say I do not know, but also I can suggest we discuss
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different scenarios to resolve the issue. Also, I now have to understand that I have a voice, if I go
to someone and want to talk I am not always looking for them to solve my problem for me, only
to allow me to discuss out loud options that I have allowing me to answer my own problem.
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